History rewritten....
The following excerpts
are actual answers given on history tests and in
Sunday school quizzes by
children between 5th and 6th grade,in
were collected over a period of three years by two teachers.
Pay attention
to the spelling and grammar.
1. Ancient
wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The
climate of the
Sarah
is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses
led the Hebrew slaves to the
bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went
up on Mount
Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever
reached
his commandos made it.
3. Solomon
had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was an
actual hysterical figure as well as being in the
bible. It sounds like he was sort of busy too.
4. The
Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't
have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young
female moth.
5. Socrates
was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. He later died from an
overdose of wedlock which is
apparently poisonous. After his death, his career
suffered a dramatic decline.
6. In
the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and
threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on TV
now.
7. Julius
Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of
March
murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king.
Dying,
he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."
8. Joan
of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for
reasons I don't really understand. The English and
French still have
problems.
9. Queen
Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen she was a success. When
she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted
"hurrah!" and that
was the end of the fighting for a long while.
10. It
was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented
removable type and the Bible. Another important
invention was the circulation of blood.
11. Sir
Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes
and started smoking.
12. Sir
Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was
very dangerous to all his men.
13. The
greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born
in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made
much money and
is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,
comedies, and
hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
14. Writing
at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He Wrote
Donkey Hote. The next great author
was John Milton.
Lost. Since then no one ever found it.
15. Delegates
from the original 13 states formed the Contented
Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin
Franklin were two singers of the
Declaration of
cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure.
16. Abraham
Lincoln became
Proclamation.
17. On
the night of
his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe
the
assinator was John Wilkes Booth,
a supposingly insane actor. This ruined
Booth's career.
18. Johann
Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number
of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which
he kept up in
his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the
most famous
composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was
half German, half
Italian, and half English. He was very large.
19. Bethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so
deaf that he wrote
loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long
walks in
the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired
in
1827
and later died for this.
20. The
nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions.
People
stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The
invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to
spring up.
21. Cyrus
McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the
work of a
hundred men.
22. Louis
Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why
23. Charles
Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was
very long. People got upset about it and had trials to see if
it was really
true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but
without watches
who knew anyhow? I don't get it.
24. Madman
Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did.
Other
women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find
radios because they were ready taken.
25. Karl
Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies.
Karl
made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to
have a job, I guess.