February 21 10:00pm -- Unbendable steel... bends--

Just a blah blah blah update... Nothing deep and insightfull today really. Weekends are getting rough on me, I'm sore as fuck right now and I think I might have gotten a con-cush-on (Don't know how to spell it right). I've always had this thing about getting bashed in the head by a chair... -shrug-. Don never would do it, Derik was more than willing to jump into the conversation and take the shot though. So -blam- he hit me so hard the dent from my head ran all the way to the corner of the chair. Then he goes "K dude, now you hit me". I nail him kinda pussy'd cause I'm hitting one of my freinds with a fucking chair here ya know? Dents the chair a bit, he staggers a bit then in a drunken stupor I go "Am I bleeding? I'm not? Then fucking hit me again!" -clang- I don't even remember getting hit so much, or how I ended up on my ass, but I've had a headache since. In my defense though, after I regained myself I laid the fuck into him with the chair. His 2nd dent ran up the chair and bend a bend.

Then we kept doing some fucking hand thing I to drunk to remember the jist of. All I know is the next day my knucles where swollen and just short of bruised. But I think the worse thing from the whole night is this. I been helping don's woman learn how to punch, and I must say I've done a good job. Because, well I don't remember when she punched me but I vaugely remember that she did. And my face is bruised, and that bruise leads to a black eye. So... I basicly got beat up by a 120 (ish) lb 17 y/o girl.... I'm a fucking pussy for thinking so big of myself.

I'm starting to realise why I like to get hit so much though. I just wish I could fucking take it how I think I can... but I guess where all just mortal. Not that it's a bad thing, just means I'll eventually get to die... Just wish I didn't have to get my ass kicked in the process, but oh well as always "Broken dreams shatter easy"

January 21 10:00pm -- I'm not quite dead yet... --

Mostly making this post to make sure everyone knows I'm not dead yet. Sure it's only been a couple days, but I've been updating a lot lately and I felt like I needed one.

College... odd. The people remind me a lot of high school, so it's not half as differnt in that aspect that everyone said it would. Not sure why I had to think about that though, people are just people and they're all the same really. -rolls eyes- Like college is some huge refugee for people that arn't sheep and can think for themselfs. Hell I bet half of them are only going to college because someone told them it was smart, not because they wanted a continued education.

Apoligies to everyone for not being around online at all. I go to school untill 4 and far to much little crap homework to do to sit around on here. This is the first time I've ever actually took school seriously, so I'm a bit proud of that but mostly tired of thinking. So I don't really have a whole lot of free time though. Not to mention I have to take notes and then retake them out of the book in almost every class because why? I have one teacher that speaks english... the rest jsut fake it. Speaking of which, just a quick thought... my teacher for Math141 is loka from taxi, or (dun dun dun) Andy Kofman! I'd almsot put money on it... ysae rettahs smaerd nekorb.

January 18 2:00pm -- Everything has a system, nothing could be chotic--

Had a drinking night last night... was very enjoyable and much like they used to be back in highschool. We drank more than we knew was smart, flowed on positive engery, and kept the drama hidden. It was that good event that happens after a shitty day, where you could go "This is our happy ending...". Then fade out to 10 years from now when no one talks anymore, fueds tore apart the bonds, and all of the worse has happend... but still those moments are remembered.

Was a fairly interesting night to analyse from a 3rd person perspective. Every single person was casting heavy foreshadowing of who they would become, and the roles they would play. It's odd when you can look at life and feel where the story is headed, but I'm not one to interfer. It made me realise however that everything in the world has a system.

Even the freinds you make, if stripped down and sterotyped, runs along a system. I've had many a people wonder why they are who they are, or why they know the people they do. It's because that's the way the system is set up. Every single person is created with an intention (By what? use your own deity or univseral controll method, I wont tell you what to belive)... Maybe not a purpose, but there is certain roles and people are made to fill them. And this is what draws us together, roles depend on the roles of others. To strip it down to an extreme for an example, you can't have an abuser without a victim. Many people would go "no shit" to that, but it's the fact that some people are soley created to be a victim and that's the role they will forever hold. Funnny how we think we have so much control over our lifes (which we do), but when you break it down everything you control the way you do is because of your role. Very intresting...

Later

I'm realising that this is my year. I have that "happy ending" crap stuck in my head lately, which leads me to belive that 2004 is my happy ending. No glue will stick forever, eventually two differnt materials relise they where not ment to be togerther. And thus is the way freindships are.

The year 2004 seems right. It has for along time and I wasn't sure why, but the nature of things has hinted me at it so sly-ly (couldn't think of the word I wanted to use). Usually it takes me about 6 months to remember the year consistanly, but this one just clicked... it feels like it's been 2004 forever. -shrug- Oh well, its hard to explain the feeling. But this part is mostly just here so I can remember.

January 17 3:30pm -- I can turn left too... --

Today I went to with my mother to get an autograph from Matt Kensith (2003 Winston cup winner). He lives in Cambrige, which is a small town of less than 1,000 people about 30mins from where I live. Her boyfreind is into all this collectable crap, I hate colletors. Anyways, I walk up to him with an "Adult colletable car" (which is just an expensive toy with a fancy name)and go "Could you sign it on the top?" then tap on the roof of the car to deminstrate where I wanted it signed. So he nods and grabs it... then signs the hood. Ok, first off I could give a shit less if he signed it or not... but he's a fucking moron. I could understand if I had just said to sign the top, but I SHOWED HIM WHERE I WANTED IT. For being such a fucking tool you'd think he could take directions better. Honest to god, if a guy this stupid can make over a million in a "racing season" for fucking turning left I'm in the wrong god damned line of work. Racing takes no fucking skill what so ever... Who doesn't / can't / hassn't drove their car to fast for the fun of it. Ever turn left while your doing it? Holy shit! You could be a race car driver too! -rolls eyes- I'm glad that some one fairly local is actually doing something with their life, but a highschool education should be a requirment of racing.

"Famous" people piss me off because they make money for being stupid, Colletors piss me off for pissing away good money, I piss me off for getting pissed off about something I shouldn't give a fuck about, Everyone pisses me off for being alive. Fucking off and die now, thank you.

Oh yea, and broken dreams shatter easy unless your turning left....

Later...

I'm going to write an article on why you, and everyone else should be belive in euthinasia. And probally branch that into why you should do it to yourself. If you need help with that, I have a list of reasons why to kill yourself in my featured links. As being this is a log, I figured I would log down a change I was making.

So found out today that Brandy called me a fue days ago. I'm not one to awsner my phone or check the machine really, I hate machines. She's probally just looking for a free hotel so her and her friends can tromp around the dells in july like ususal. I don't really mind none though, they always clean their shit up afterwards and pay for the drinks. Not to mention, even if I'm being used it's nice to know I'm thought of. As much as I hate to do it, I'll probally tell her no go this year... Don works full time now and I'm broke so that limits me. 21st bday though ... would be nice to have one last binger with old friends before I start to accept my fate of growing up, growing old, and dieing alone though. I might just do it for that "happy ending" feeling -shrug-. I need to stop rambling.. I'm in a weird mood today. It's not depressed, it's not pissed... it's some where in the middle... I feel so... numb?

Jannuary 16 1:30am -- Why Pro-Lifers suck... --

I was just carrying on a hypothetical conversation with a pro-lifer the other day. In case you are unaware, this means an Anti-Abortianist. I just happend to have a bottle of christ's blood on me, so we pop'd the top off that sucker and downed it like the armagedon was now. You really learn a lot of things from a drunk clerigyman

For example, he confessed one of his deep secrets about abortion to me. The only reason he was an active protester of it was becaues that deep down he too hated every second that is life. He informed me that he'd be "Better off aborted" than suffing to live in this world.

That's right, deep down pro-lifers are just jelious, loney, depressed people that wish they haddn't been born. I mean really if your tied to a religious belief system that wont allow you to kill yourself even though you hate the world, why not force more people to hate it as well. At least it'll make you feel better about yourself when the day is over because your helping the world.

Funny thing is, not only are they "helping the world" they're helping to destory it. Worldwide the number of births vs deaths is skyrocketing, whole countrys are starving. Why? Becaues of ignorate assholes like this guy. Just because he lives in a nice house, his food wraped in plastic and always at his disposal he thinks that's the way life is. WRONG. Eventually we'll ehasust the earth's resources and all die out, and I'll blame pro-lifers.

Honestly other than "Your murduring a child that hasn't had the chance to live yet" I don't think they really have a reason that's not selfish. What's so great about experiancing life? Spending your entire childhood with a face in a school book to make your parents happy? Overworking your body to the point of it "falling apart" to make a meager living? Or is it the part where your 70, retiring and finally get the chance to enjoy life with a plastic hip; 3 hemirated disks in your back, and a pile of shit on the floor you can't clean up because your body won't bend anymore? Not to mention the massive fits of depression that a child has which seems to get worse every generation since we raise kids that can't take care of themselfs.

The only reason we want kids is because that's what "they" tell us. It's jammed into our heads anytime that they can. Really, who wants a kid? They whine all the time, they always want things, they don't fucking listen even though you know what's best. And to top it off, the only way we could keep kids in line (A nice firm beating) was taken away from us. Who took it away? Some media influended sissy boy and a man trying to be reletected to office. Then everyone goes "Oh no, TV and the Newspapers say beating my child is wrong" so they stop, and if they find out you didn't they get pissed. Why the fuck do you care how I raise my child? Am I beating you with cardboard box full of bricks and thumbtacks... Nope but if you don't get off my ass I just might have to.

Who are "They"? The goverment maybe, the Media probally, but my bet is on marketing. Along time ago, women where taught their only job was to have children, but by who? Business men taught them that. Why? More consumers = more money... That's why. If a womans only job is to have children, then damn it that's what they want to do. And as time passes more and more men basicly become women. So now a child is something people want insted of being than that annoying thing that happens after you have sex... great. Let's just cut down some more trees so that brat can have a new room added onto the house, and a crib, and a highchair and everything else he wants because that's what they tell us. Then they tell us that the things we used as kids wern't safe, and to go buy new ones... why? Worked great for me, still working now FUCK YOU I'm not buying shit.

Back to the topic... Abortion is a must for the survial of the world. And if you insist on it being illegal, be prepared to have the number of grandkids your allowed to have monitored by the goverment. Personally I think both situations would help the world. A person that has more than one child has to abort it, or be put to death as their child might live. To steal CoE's slogan which fits best here, Save the planet - Kill yourself....

January 15 1:00am -- What is reality... --

I haven't slept in quite some time, and earlier I was laying in bed and nothing looked right. It was there, but it was palusating... It was all solid but transparent. If felt as though I could pass threw them if only I knew how... which I don't because I tired for a while (hush). Then it dawn'd on me, had I fallen alseep or was I still awake. I delivered several soild punchs to the side of my head to assure myself I was awake... but I couldn't really feel it. So once again I had to question, was I really punching myself in the head or was I laying safely asleep in bed and imaging this. Even at this moment I am not aware that I am truely awake. People have assused me that I was awake, not sure if I was going nuts or trying to be funny. But who dreams about talking to other people in their dreams? Of course everyone else is going to be awake in your dream.... I know eventually this feeling will pass, but it makes me to question what reality is. Is there a set in stone deffinition, or is it only what you presecive to be real. One must question everything around them before they can truly under stand it...

I just wonder if some how my body desided it was time develop insomnia, or if its stress that wont allow me to sleep. About a week back, I asked for nightmares and I got them. I'm starting college in roughly 5 days. My emotions are sea-sawing. But certinally I've faced times harder than this before... I know not why this has made me question exsistance. I started by pulling an all nighter for school... but I never slept after it and when I tried I could not. Deffintly the nightmares are motivation not to sleep, but I'm not afarid of dreams... and the fact that I'm going to college has hardly sunk in yet. Oh how I envy those of you sleeping while I toil endless online in the search for meaning...

Is a dream; a hope, a possesion? What is it made out of... If you cannot hold it how can it break and why do they shatter so easy?

January 13 2:00am -- WWE writers piss me off --

Mic Foley show'd up for about 3 weeks while StoneCold was "fired" from RAW... Which was fantastic because he's the only wrestler around that I could give 2 shits about. This guy is so charismatic he could make watching paint dry fun.

Quick recap cause I dont really want to fucking type all this. Rock shows up while Mics out getting his ass kicked... And they start to plug the hell out of "The return of the sock and rock connectoin". So I'm thinking, badass the rock and Mic both came back, wrestling should be fun again. What happened to the rock? Hes gone again... What happend to foley? He's gone again. Not one match even... I was even getting my hopes up because he's less pear shaped than the last time he show'd up at random.

So what happens is, Randy ortin challenges him to a match and he walks out on it. Some how Ortin has the balls to think that because Mic walked away he's now "The New Hardcore Legend"... riiight. For about the past month now Ortin's been talking shit about Foley, and playing "Foley is a coward" promos. No big deal, the grestest wresler of all time is gonna get called names from time to time. Weeks pass... still no return of Foley.

Now this week... Long Island the (supposed) home of Mic Foley. Bout half hour in Randy starts talking shit again, then pulls out a front row ticket. Says that since Foley lives 15 mins away, to come on down and watch him win his match then kick foleys ass afterwards one on one. All threw the show they keep showing the empty seat... then Randy sends out a limo to go pick him up. Randy's match comes up... Gets his head cracked on a pole and hes bleeding. I'm thinking "Randy.. Mic.. blood... Makes a good highlight film later", it's a perfect setup. Ortin gets his ass kicked outside of the guard rails into the auidence and conviently lands in the open seat... once again, a perfect set up. Limo comes back and commerical break (How convient)... Orton starts kicking ass, rvd fights back yada yada. I didn't really pay much attention to the match I was watching the crowd

Then the match is done and Randy won... fantastic. Then they point to the empty seat.. As I still wait for Foley. Then they show the onscreen credits and go to another show... WHAT THE FUCK

Ok.. here's my fucking problem.. You set up a story months in advance, have a guy fueding against no one thats really there. Then you have the perfect chance to show the match of a fucking life time, hype the crap out of it and then do nothing!?! Fucking hell you son of a bitch writers, at least you could have done was have him shown up on the titantron and issued a PPV challenge... that would of been nice. Or here's an idea... how about dont even FUCKING START A STORY YOUR NOT GOING TO END WITH A FIGHT, I WATCH WRESTLING FOR THE FIGHTING NOT POINTLESS STORY LINES THAT GO NO WHERE. Do I think that foley really is a coward for not fighting, for not showing up tonight? No.. because I've seen the things that he's done and I know why he doesn't wrestle anymore. Do I think he's a moron? At this point, sadly I do. And I will be sure of it if he doesn't show up next week to RAW (last before the rumble) but I know he won't. Realistcly if a guy doesnt drive 15mins to fight, hes not going to go from LongIsland to Wisconsin for one. Why is he stupid? Because he's playing along with a story line that totally ruins his good name, for nothing. The man is a living legend in many peoples eyes (don't belive me? go do a search for backyard wrestling videos. At least one person in every video slamming themselfs threw burning tables, onto barbedwire, and rolling into broken glass and thumb tacks is wearing a CatusJack tshrit) and he'd giving it up to a jobber. I wouldn't be so pissed if I thought this guy had a chance at standing his own in a real hardcore fight.. but he cant, and his wresler development is shit. Oh look another cocky guy that thinks he's the best... Thats a new one to me. ECW gone, XPW gone... I'm just about to give up on violence. Where a generation of men raised by women, and we've all lost our Testcular Fortitude it would seem. Fuck it, I'm getting into shape training to be a wrestler and kicking everyones ass threw barbedwire.... Zach Gowan (the one legged kid)... YOUR NEXT!

Yea... so I'm probally gonna take this post down tomorrow cause its way to fucking long to say up here... But maybe I'll edit and turn it into a page of its own. As for my thouhts on foley... I been using it as my catch phrase lately, but honestly... Broken Dreams Shatter Easy, your leting a lot of people down.

January 12 4:00am -- Everybody says its nice... --

So I love suzzish's pussy. Its all fluffy and cute... Doesn't like the kisses though for some reason. It's... No you sick fuck I was talking about her cat. What the hell how'd you find my site you perv... Run out of real porn? You people make me sick.

On a side note today I had that v8 splash shit. It's all red, says v8 so I'm thinking what? mm tamoto juice. No its fucking lemonaide... what the fucking hell. V8 lemonaide? -rolls eyes- V8 is tamato juice, not fucking rasperberry, cram it up my ass cause thats what it taste like juice. You people in marketing make me sick...

Oo added the random banner thing for the The Church of Euthanasia. There's 30 of those badboys that load at random... It's like pokemon, can you catch them all while running up my page hits?

Yup... thats about as long as I can ramble about that. Hoped to make a real update that ment something but ey broken dreams shatter easy.

January 11 6:00am -- Lantz Almighty coming to theaters soon --

I added a link to my baby's journal on the site, its under featured links (The suzzish). And she's quite a featured girl if ya know what I mean -wink wink-. Her sites not as cool as mine -flex- but it's about the content not the look.. I gueeesssss. Either way though, I really care about her so she wins a spot on my much sought after "Featured links" section (And ya know... the heart thing too).

Website news.... I gave up trying to change the layout. Since I didn't write the css myself (came with my orginal layout by charm braclet, link on the old posts page) I don't have a clue, not to mention I failed that part of my test in webpage design hehe. I played with it for a while though, and the only thing I could get to change was the scroll bars. I might change them though cause they seem to light for the new image.

Projects update... I'm trying to find myself a stolen copy of vbulliten software to run offline and do some testing with. Illegal or not, I'm not publishing the content so personally I see no reason why this would be wrong. They charge you to run it on a website, not a computer ;p

Sooooo... That's all I can think of to update right now. I could write more but I'd rather sleep. I know major dissapointment ey? oh well sucks to be you, broken dreams shatter easy.

January 10 6:00pm -- The great designs never to work... --

So I stay'd up all night and remade the layout to fend off the lonely. Not sure that I like it so much, but untill I get something better this is probally be what I'll use. Its not quite done yet, there's a fue things I would like to change because they didnt work right but I'm lazy and stupid so it'll probally stay like this for a while.

Umm... just woke up so I dont have a whole lot to say right now. I'll probally edit more on here later.

January 10 3:00am -- The great things never to come... --

Recently I've been doing prework for a new version of the vb battle/rpg hack. It's a great idea, but I'm not sure if I could do it. I found that IkonBoard has a very simular hack built for it, so I checked all that out and downloaded it. Figured I could me some prework in IB and get a better idea, prob is I need a host that has PHP and MySQL. PHP isn't that big of a problem to find, but I dont really want to pay for a host if I dont know if I can do it and most host only offer SQL with their premium packages. Not to mention VB comes with a heafty charge of at least $80, plus host, plus domain. Found a free site that gave SQL, but you had to sign up and wait for them to message you back within 48 hours -looks at watch- So much for that. Found a way to run vb offline, which is fucking fantasic so I could figure out if I could work it or not but... come back to the whole $80 just to use it for a year thing. I don't know where vb gets off thinking they can charge $80 a year or $160 for ever (plus $30 a year if you want support) just to have a message board, but I bet their fucking rich for doing it.

Found a pretty neat site for all you wanting to make a serious website. It's a fourm about optimising search engines and has a ton of information about how to get trafic to your site... I'll add it to the featured links for everyone. If your just running some crappy journal on geocities its not really worth it for ya too look at, but if you wanna say... go in with someone on one of the greatest message boards ever made, or sell something, or sell something for someone else to make money.. or whatever, it might be worth a look. Hmm... actually that gives me an idea. bwhahaha ... ha ... meh don't really care enough.

Mystic web is kinda crapped out now... They've adapted the motto of "Community first and battles second". Which basicly means that all the weapons in the item shop do less damage than your bare hands, all the armour is for "rpg looks", and if you spend 3 days posting in the battle fourms you still wont find a fight. So if anyone knows of a message board with the rpg system in it and has people that'll actually fight gimmie the word. I need some thing to tied me over while I'm dreaming of modding my own out.

Despite the fact that this is probally my lostest post in here ever, I still feel like I've forgoten something. Meh.. Maybe I'll just post later if I can remember it.

Heh, just noticed I dont have a messenger or email on the site anywhere. I guess I'll toss an email link on the side, not that any one comes here but I actually used to have traffic back when I started the site. Man... I just realised I've had this site for probally almost 4 years. I started this thing when I was in highschool... wasnt always a journal but was still this site hehe. -thinks about how many differnt things hes used this site for-

Oh well, broken dreams shatter easy....