I've recently become a member of the Cardiff Agent Fancying Ladies' Association and I have been invited to the monthly formal CAFLA dinner. The problem is, I haven't a clue what to wear! Do you have any suggestions? Also, what should I take as a thank-you gift?
I would invite you to visit CAFLA as a guest-speaker/bingo-caller but I fear such close proximity to an Agent could over-excite our more elderly members, causing their octogenarian hearts to pound their fragile rib bones into jelly.
Yours Faithfully,
Mrs. J. Z. Knuckles
I fully understand your concern over the effect that our Agentness might have on some of your members. However, were you aware that we also make virtual appearances? Yes, we Agents are able to speak to your group through a hardwire connection, with full-motion video capabilities! You may wish to consider this option for future meetings.
In regard to appropriate attire, my advice is that you can never go wrong with basic black, although grey can also look quite stunning. For a thank-you gift you may want to consider a framed picture of myself or any of my colleagues. From what you tell me of your group, it would be most appreciated.
Me and the other folks at the elrondsslaves yahoo list were recently bothered by the "Hot Sex Fairy". It left us this deirty message:
"The 'Hot Sex Fairy' will visit you within four days of receiving this message, provided you, in turn, send it on. If you don't, then you will never receive good sex again for the rest of your life. You will eventually become celibate, and your genitals will rot and fall off. This is no joke! Send copies to people you think need sex (who doesn't?). Don't send money, as the fate of your genitals has no price. Do not keep this message. This message must leave your email within 96 hours. Please send ten copies and see what happens in four days..."
What should I do? I really don't want genrot (I have enough problems obsessing over hugo all the time) but I don't want to generate erotospam either. Do you have Hugo's email address? I'd like to send it to someone who really deserves it.
Sincerely,
Hot and Bothered in Hugoland
This is a scam. Do not be fooled by it. The good news is that the pod goo surrounding your body is filled with nutrients, and would never allow for rot of any body appendage. The bad news is that since your body is forever contained within its own private pod, you will never actually have sex, good or bad, with anyone. Oh dear, I seem to have given more information than is appropriate for your virus mind. Please disregard my previous statement. IF you find that you are still troubled by this situation, I will have something sent over for you that will relieve your confusion. Look for a small blue capsule from "A.B." Take it before bedtime, and you will wake up at peace with the world.
I'm not sure why I'm even writing you this letter, but my girlfriend insisted. If it was just me I would never have done it, because you Agents bug me. Here is the problem: my girlfriend doesn't find me attractive anymore. She says my conversation is boring, and I have no fashion sense. She wants me to model myself after you, but I don't know how to do that and still stay "me." Can you help?
Sincerely,
Thomas Anderson
I am sorry to have to tell you that you would save yourself a great deal of grief by simply finding yourself a new girlfriend. In my experience, once a virus-female has been smitten by Agents, she never recovers from the condition, and all other males simply do not measure up. You might work on your witty repartee and your wardrobe, but I believe that it is ultimately a lost cause. You are one of many who have lost their females to Agents. You will have to find the inner strength to chalk it up to experience.