Saga #3: The one where we abuse Martin... <Fade in on quiet street in Sydney suburbs, in front of small, unassuming house. Dusk is falling.> <Camera pans across horde of two dozen women, all ages, wearing pajamas and carrying pillows and sleeping bags.> Oqidaun: Deir-ty Girls Elite Shock Troops, fall in! <women all come to attention> Oqidaun: It has come to our notice that one of our charges, Martin by name, is suffering under the unwelcome attentions of his Evil Housekeeper, Celia. Tanathir: We must help him! Deir-ty Girls: *shouts of approval* Oqidaun: And hold a Deir-ty Slumber Party! *holds Plunger of Pain and Punishment aloft* Forward, to victory! <Deir-ty Girls all head en masse to the front door of the house> <Oqidaun uses Plunger to ring doorbell> <door opens> Celia: Who are you? What do you want? Tamaril: We're here to see Martin. Celia: *looks out over the pajama-clad crowd of women* You can't see him. I won't allow it. He's mine, I tell you! Tamaril: You hussy! You just torment him! I wuv him! *takes aim with Slingshot at Celia's nose* Celia: *slams door shut* Tanathir: Now what?! Culaearian: I'll take care of that. *deploys the Salsa Steps of Doom, causing the door to fly off its hinges* Deir-ty Girls: ATTACK! *run into house* Celia: Back! Stay back! *brandishes frying pan* Agent C: I'll take care of this! She cannot stand against my Pointy Eyebrows of Doom! *pokes Celia in the eye with a pointy eyebrow* Celia: Ow! *reels backward, covering her eye* Martin: Celia? What's going on? Who's here? Celia: Martin! Hide in your room! Deir-ty Girls: No, Martin! We're here to save you! Wenelda: I'll get her! Sic 'er, Rex! <Out of nowhere, a black and white border collie comes charging in and bites Celia on the leg> Celia: Ow! Deir-ty Girls: *stare at Wenelda* Wenelda: *blushes* Eärelen: Um, Wen, pets aren't allowed at the slumber party... Wenelda: *blushing even redder* Shucks! C'mon, Rex... *applies nutcracker to Celia's wrist and leads her away* <Rex follows Wenelda out of house, but is heard distinctly muttering "Morons!" as he exits> Little She-Bear: I worry about her and that dog. Martin: Um, who are you? Tamaril: Don't be afraid, Martin, we're your friends. We'll take care of you. Tanathir: Yeah, just as soon as we get you into that little red sweater... Celebrian: Using my Wicked Mind, I discern that the red sweater is in the hall closet! I'll go fetch it! Martin: You are just here to torment me. Oqidaun: Why would we torment you, Martin? *flashes Evil Grin, that of course Martin can't see* Martin: Because you can. Celebrian: *returning with sweater* Here ya go! *pulls sweater over Martin's head* Deir-ty Girls: Oooohhhhh...*collective swoon* AC: *brandishing Pinking Shears of Revelation* Allow me to go to work on that sweater, ladies... *cuts the red sweater off of Martin* Deir-ty Girls: *collective swoon* Tanathir: I think it's time to spread out the sleeping bags and start the festivities. Martin: Help. <Deir-ty Girls lead Martin over to mound of pillows and help him recline> Sorne: *flexing Fingers of Fury* You seem awfully tense, Martin. Let me massage some of that away for you... Martin: No, that's quite all right... *attempts to get up, but is stopped by Tamaril sitting on his chest* Ooofff... Elveanna: *strokes Martin's forehead* Don't worry, Martin, you'll have a good time. After all, you're surrounded by a horde of Deir-ty, gorgeous women... Martin: Why should I believe you? Little She-Bear: *pulls out Polaroid of Perversity and snaps a picture* I'll give you Proof, Martin. *waits for picture to develop* Here, AC, describe the picture for him. AC: It's a picture of you, Martin, resplendent in the shreds of your red sweater and those bright read undies, and you're surrounded by two dozen women in pajamas, all of whom wuv you… Martin: That…um…sounds rather nice…*gulps* Linz: *pulls out Paintbrush of Doom* I'll commemorate this lovely occasion with a giant-size painting that will hang in the Deir-ty Girls Clubhouse for ever after. *begins painting* Hold still, Martin, I want to get you in the best light. Tamaril: Maybe we should get things rolling with some refreshments. Tanathir, would you do the honors? Tanathir: *pulling out Mighty Pen* Of course. *writes* "The Agents of the Matrix were called to yet another important assignment, that of providing refreshments to the Deir-ty Girls Slumberfest. They were attired appropriately for the occasion." *POOF* <Agents appear, bearing silver serving trays of grapes> Agents: *collective eye roll* Not again! *notice what they are wearing* What are THESE??!! Tanathir: *smirking* Pajamas, of course. You can't attend a slumber party without pajamas! Agent Smith: *spluttering in outrage* But they're not...well, dignified! I mean, mine have Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius on them! Agent Brown: And mine have Tarzan! Agent Jones: I dunno, I kind of like my Iron Giant jammies... Tanathir: *smirking again* Your pajamas reflect your essential personalities... Deir-ty Girls: *snigger uncontrollably* Agent Smith: I will not bear this outrage! I demand that you remove them immediately! Tanathir: Okay, if you insist. *raises Mighty Pen, and erases "attired"* Agents: Aieee! *try to cover up with the grape bunches* Agent Jones: You'd think that you'd learn not to do that by now, Smith. Oqidaun: Deir-ty Girls Elite Shock Troops! Flying Wedgie Formation! Attack! You know what to do! Deir-ty Girls: PEEL THE GRAPES! <Agents are quickly overwhelmed by the Deir-ty Girls> Agent Smith: Dammit! Agent Jones: I can't watch. Martin: I'm with you, whoever you are. I *can't* watch. Eärelen: *holds up a grape skin triumphantly* Got one! Agent Brown: What are you doing? I feel all funny down there! Tamaril: *holding up grape* Just relax, Martin dear... *feeds him grape* Martin: Hmmm... And the rest of the story? *CENSORED*, of course!