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There is a small street called honey in ph. It is right by my pad you get on it from alsacia street. Well it is a short street, a long straight away then it curves up a hill. Well if you ever walk on that street real late at night look inside the garages you might catch some old Filipino’s playing cards . Well if you walk north on honey from alsacia it starts to bend up hill. You would swear you were in some northern Cali San Jose Suburb, The silence is Amazing. One street light reflects off the trees with a fake movie like setting in front of you. All you hear is the sound of yourself breathing, That is what happened to me tonight walking on that street. I felt like a thief in the night stalking the cars for one to steal. I love that feeling when nobody can hear me or see me but I’m there……..Walking into my apartments I saw a black dude talking to this Filipino girl and it made me sad because even he had a life and look at dumbass me just walking home to type on my computer because my clock radio sounds like shit and I don’t want to eat because I am sick of those hot wings from Costco. Right now I am listening to freestyle mixes by peter fontain, I like freestyle music it relaxes me. I want to cry again and I do not know why. Why am I such a loser? Why am I not successful? Why am I all alone? Where is my mom? Where is everyone at? Why does my world always fall apart? 8/29/2003 9:09:43 PM I want a cute Filipino girl to be my girlfriend, one who drives a dropped prelude or a mr2, something like that. With soft brown hair with a few streaks . I always think I am at my low point in life and It always gets worse. I get depressed every day. But throw me 20 bucks and a full tank and I’m a heavy weight ballor on the scene, flossing and the whole 9.Doing big things. I have the talent of making the best of what life gives me, or making the best of what I have. I could have 100 dollars or 10 collars and I will buy the same 32 ounce of king cobra. What the fuk? Have you seen my room. There is a cover and a pillow then a computer and a screen with a keyboard and that is it. I lye down to write things on this computer. If you ever listen to South Park Mexicans cd there is song 7 or song 8. It is called hustle town block of rock or something like that. Well they have a rapper that gets the 4th verse, low g I think is his name. He is a peilt head of the group, I love his rap. He is like the ghetto one of the group. You can tell he slang’s by his voice.. Instead of threat he says tweth . people have been jealous of me for along time. Like when I get a pager and it keeps ringing. People look at me like aren’t you going to check your voice mail. I’m like no ……… I think my life will turn around. The thing is I cannot show my pain to certain people because they look up to me and I am their idol so I need to keep their dreams alive by showing them I made it. I give people something to aspire to. It is weird that the top 3 promoters in San Diego live within 2 exits of of the 54 freeway. That suge night diss by snoop doggy dog is kind of tight. It comes on that dj bobby bootleg fan mart west coast compilation cd. Oh yha Mitchy slick is sick but luni coleone did a better verse on that pimp remix. I had to give it to him. Snoop is cold talking about suge’s ex girl how he fucked her. That is some cold shyt. I need to change my life to when I was happy. When I was with tina, well that won’t happen. So lets go a little farther back in time.
When I was promoting events I was happy, I always had something to do, it kept me real busy. 8/30/2003 1:43:21 PM so Many things to talk about I wont say anything. It seems my apartments are the center of ruin and tribal peoples you know. I hate these cats who think they are on top when I splash on them like waves or a tsunami on top of their asian ass. You know their girl wants to get with me. 8/30/2003 5:28:08 PM I’m really depressd. Not because I saw that girl Christine at plaza Bonita today. She walked by me by the food court I tried to talk to her but she just kept walking. It was like deja-vu . She looked pretty, I barely got the words Christi out of my mouth I was so amazed to even see her. I am not sure if she noticed me but I almost bumped into her when she walked by me,. It was like a slow mo matrix movie move with me dodging her to my left side, I thought I was going to have a panic attack right there in the mall but it was packed with people. I looked back and she disappeared into the crowd. Am I obsessed with her, Not really I act like this with every girl Who I feel is beautiful enough to be seen with me, This is a hard time in my life. So hard on myself I always am. I cried on the 54 freeway on the way home from dropping off blur. Oh yha I have to start a new scene in the south bay as well. But extreme pressure towards my career has no affect on me. It is funny because I was walking through the mall with blur today and I did not notice one person but I saw that girl Christine from a mile away. I guess her face is that type of girl I like. I was thinking about all the people in South bay and how there is just black and Asians at Plaza Bonita Now and well…. Well. I sometimes think.. Where is everyone at?? So everyone got married and Had kids without me? I got together with the top promoters in South San Diego and we were talking and stuff and we came to the conclusion that it is up to us to throw parties. For that meeting for the mission valley party , yha I guess create went with blur and there were other crews of promoters there you know. I control the d Supply so I control what the Asians do. I control the endo so I control the blacks. I control the hoes so what does that mean, I say where the parties are at and who goes. I control the girls so the guys follow. 8/30/2003 5:54:50 PM I just cried a minute ago. I do not know why I cry anymore. I accept the fact that I am an unsung unknown hero in southern Cali to all my peers. Am I ashamed of myself, I just want to be with someone. I just want to love and be loved at the same time. I feel mixed emotions. The world will just not let me have the simple things. They want to give me the world, give me all the fame and all the power and all the knowledge, but all I wanted was a cute smart girl I can call my girlfriend that would be there with me and share my life nomatter how good or bad that life is. Yha I feel this life is getting harder on me because I make it that way for myself. Why do I want to pull myself out of a hole just to jump back in it and do it again to prove to everyone that I can make it a second or third time. 8/30/2003 7:29:20 PM I seen Jimmy aguilar and his cousin said “you ain’t shit” to me. Because I was talking about the new events and the new stuff and asking him if he wanted to get envolved. His cousin said “your tweeking” to me. I hate his cousin sometimes. Anyways Jimmy was saying how he is puff daddy in the promotion game and we all fell off. I am depressed again. It is because of Paradise valley Road this time.
I pull out of mcdonalds and go west on Paradise Valley Road to woodman ave. . Well I make a left on woodman and I always see a lexus or Camry with some fine ass Tai Or Asian Girl all the time. Today I saw two fine girls on two different occasions turning left. I cry about 4 to 8 tIMES a day now. . . I think the fact that I do not have a girlfriend or that I have never had a girlfriend , that fact is getting to me. I cannot survive alone in this world. I cannot survive another week. When I drive Sometimes I just want to turn the wheel and Go off a cliff or drive into a wall. I hate stoners. There was some cute Filipino girls sitting at a bench at the park where I saw jimmy and his cousin. Jimmy was pointing at one of then saying “ I would fuck the one in the white skirt “ . My oh my how some people have not learned manners or respect for money. It is no wonder why He fell of as a promoter. The biggest promoter will not only be the most popular guy but also the guy all the girls want to get with. The promoter part is just apart of it. I feel bad. I feel horrible. I even called that girls number I got from swc wondering if she didn’t go to Rosarito, I also called ileen but she didn’t pick up so I left her a voice mail. Oh Yha I turned wigga yesterday. Jimmy said something funny now That I remember.. he said “don’t walk away from me”. Yha I need to meet someone seen because My heart hurts and I have work to do and this stupid issue about girls is bothering me to much and effecting my daily life too much. I knew going to Mexico City would give me a fresh perspective on life. It would help me in life, I remember talking to Jimmy aguilar on the phone in December and we were talking about the party scene and how it is dead and well I said 2 to 3 years for it to come back. But I did not expect the blacks and the Asians to form scenes in ph and national city and chula so strong and so fast grouping in numbers of 5000 plus peoples on the streets rolling hard. So harnessing this power is the way I need to roll. I did not think It would effect me Like this you know.
9/1/2003 8:07:59 AM More Things happened lately. But I do not want to get into it. It is like everyone moved on with their life except for me. Where did everyone go. What about me. What am I sup post to do now. I couldn’t sleep last night because that Thought was on my mind bothering me. People are on the street , More than ever, people I do not know, a new generation is emerging and the older generation is evolving. Will my life change? I am not sure.I will not work hard to provide anything for anyone.
9/2/2003 10:52:55 PM So many more things have happened in my life and yours but I do not want to write about it at this time. But I want to touch on a topic. The promotion thing I’m getting back into. Stressed out from the huge task at hand for me to make a scene from nothing. I mean a million people in the south bay on any given weekend and I have to make 1000 of those people go to a party somewhere on a certain date and it is a dead scene. Well I just want to say this is a hard thing to do for anyone but not for me. I got really stressed and my head started to hurt so I decided to just put those thoughts to the side, and have sex with the finest girl in Paradise Hills while her boyfriend is working at a job to buy me some furniture. In that time of my meditation I had no thoughts of parties or events or dj’s or flyers or promoting. I was just drinking king cobra 40 ounce after king cobra 32 ounce beers. Driving around drunk and listening to a boys 2 men legacy cd I bought at Wal-Mart for 9.79 in the jewelry section on the store . well An Idea hit me while driving on the 54 freeway to see Lydia at Ben and Jessie’s pad. I am a mastermind in my field. I draw my knowledge from my own pain. O heard in 15 years there will be an asteroid hitting the World and Ending the Human race.,
Wednesday, September 03, 2003 7:18:20 PM 1. I will talk about Tina If you want. I guess now that I realize That I will never be with her, I guess it hurts, I won’t lie I want to kill myself because of that, seeing her pregnant with some other guys baby at Lolitas On l street hurt me, because I knew I have to move on and I just can’t do it. I just refuse to accept anything anymore, I live my life in a daze an un-natural dream world. Sure I have tried to meet someone else but to tell you the absolute truth Nobody has even come close to her, She was everything to me. Without a mother and father I Idolized her. Or I don’t know. I was thinking about it right now , the reason why I loved her so much was because she was the only girl. Am I an Obsessed schizophrenic stalker with issues? No, But I do try to bring myself to a time when I was happy, because after all what are we all after, to be happy… right?,, I loved her because she was the first and only girl who liked me, she actually liked me. She would do anything for me at one time in this worlds existence. She was my dream girl. I was in complete ecstasy with her, I remember those time so well, But Just like anything in life I need to go by one of my own rules. To Move on with your future you need to get rid of things in your past. 2. Moving on has been an expensive choice on my part taking plenty of years of my life freaking out inside of my own self. Walking down woodman from Jeff’s pad on Westbrook I would see these fine Asian girls in Corollas and Nissan Skylines “oh my god, she is fine” I was thinking. So I tell myself shit this only makes things harder, all these fine girls around making me want to cry because I wish one of them was with me. Life is a struggle to me yes it is. I wouldn’t mind living this struggle if a nice female was right here by my side. I could hold her and kiss her and feed her and take her wherever she wants to go, I would even buy a TV because I think she would want to rent a DVD or something. I would go shopping with her because I know what she looks fine in. I would do anything for her because she would be my girl and I would be her man and anything she wanted I would make it happen. But would she want the world? No, She would just want to be with me and help me and hold me the same I would to her. 3. Yha I need to just get out there but I have been getting out there and I haven’t seen anything I want walking, I hunt at SWC like a savage lion in heat. I want to be in love again that is for sure. But I want to be with someone because I am lonely and I Do want to show someone my love because I have a lot of love to give someone. Sometimes I think maybe I am not good enough looking to get a girl and then I laugh. 4. Don’t let real love pass you by because I have seen it and I am addicted to it. Any guy out there who does not believe in love has not been hit by the hammer yet. I don’t care how hard core you think you are those emotions are stronger than anything you ever know.
9/3/2003 8:05:58 PM The rock as is back to his old games making fake checks at a hotel in Old town. I heard he was going to buy Armani glasses for 800 bucks at Nordstrom’s. Where did his Bitch ass get class? I don’t know. But I do know g’s up hoes down Jimrock gets around. I heard he has maybe 5 girls in one day going into the room and fucking him one after another. If it was me I could double that and I wouldn’t even have to have d. Oh did I forget to tell you. I came up with the idea of the year for the promotion thing of that party for Halloween Night. October 31st 2003 event in San Diego party people rave’s, night clubs drinks all that. Gangster rap hip-hop all that. Angel and blur were scooping out locations last Friday Night from E street alley to that new where house off of Mission George. Enya Caribbean blue makes me feel relaxed. Lets me think clearly and keep my eyes on the prize. I miss the old days on mazana with Ben and I miss Anitra. Anitra was Ben’s cousin, she was fine so fine and she used to be the Manager at Cathy Jean at plaza Bonita Years ago. I think she moved to Texas with her husband or to San Francisco . I think about anitra sometimes, she had soo much life in her.
9/3/2003 9:26:32 PM I took a drive to Chula Vista. I like to getaway there. It is my home and Eastlake I show a lot of love to you. But I can hide pretty much in any part of East Chula. How I miss AMC 24 and definitely all my peoples in Chula But I had to do my life as well you understand. And when trying to make myself happy I really have not been thinking of myself first. And I am the first Person I should worry about, taking first and asking questions later. Because, after all I deserve it, I have out in the work. And I guess everyone is doing there own thing but I was doing my own thing since 16 years old so it was no big deal to me. Everyone evolves in life at their own time. I myself went through puberty a little late and I am still going through it.