S'tan

A dark comedy by Sean Tarjoto

(A small house, with two rooms visible, the living room and the dining room. A two-way swinging door leads into the kitchen via the dining room, while another doorway leads from the living room to the kitchen, making all three sets connected in a triangle. We never see the entirety of the kitchen. The house is furnished with minor contrasting styles. The living room looking slightly more Spartan and less decorated than the more elegant dining room.)

MOM: (watching, sees ELIJAH out the window) Oh! Honey, hurry, hurry! He’s here! Go get the door!

DAD: (gets up from chair, smile on face) Ah excellent. Right on time too. Boy, that boy can keep a schedule. (ELIJAH rings doorbell, DAD opens door) Son!

ELIJAH: (enters, with a bag on shoulder and things from front door) Hey dad! Hi Mom! (hugs them, there is a quick moment of happy reunion)

MOM: (kissing, wiping ELIJAH's face) Oh honey! You look wonderful. How was the trip?

ELIJAH: Oh great! My friend actually gave me a ride . . . all the way! Here, lemme get him! Hold on! (ELIJAH pulls his bag off and drops it on floor. There is an audible thud. He runs a little out of the front entrance to get S’TAN, who ENTERS. He is not carrying any bags or anything. He is a tall, lean, man with dark hair and a friendly demeanor ) Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet, S’tan. He's from Jersey. We're roomies and have the same major! Mom, Dad, S’tan; S’tan . . . Joe and Mary!

MOM: A pleasure to meet you!

DAD: (extends hand) It really is a pleasure. Good to see a fine lad like you’s lookin’ after my boy here!

S’TAN: Thank you, sir. (smiles, shakes DAD’s hand)

DAD: Call me Joe! (upon releasing, there is a moment of awkward silence. DAD can’t help but feel how hot and sweaty his palm is and now spends the entire hour wiping it dry)

MOM: It really was generous of you to offer our son the whole car trip.

S’TAN: Aw, it was nothing really. I just saw that Eli here missed the greyhound and, well, took it upon myself to be a Good Samaritan, if you know what I mean.

ELIJAH: (sniffing the air) Wow, that smells great. What's cookin'?

MOM: Oh, just some boiled monkey heads and cabbage. Your favorite!

DAD: Real man's grub.

ELIJAH: Allright!

S’TAN: Wow, really? I haven't had any boiled monkey heads since I was a little boy. My mom used to cook it all the time. We lived in Franz Josef Land then.

DAD: Franz Josef . . .

ELIJAH: (sees DAD, realizes he’s going into one of his "flashbacks", immediately distracting him) I'll go set the table!

(ELIJAH grabs his bag and goes to the dining room, while MOM, DAD, and S’TAN move to the living room. It is finely furnished and has that woman's touch, but isn't overly flowery nor purely wooden. MOM goes into the kitchen, while S’TAN and DAD sit down in the living room couch)

S’TAN: I'm sorry, but it's a little chilly in here...do you mind if I change the temperature a little bit?

MOM: Oh, not at all.

S’TAN: (politely) Thank you (goes to the thermostat, cranks it up all the way)

DAD: You know, I think I'll put on a fire. (tosses in some new firewood into the fireplace, reaches into pocket for lighter)

S’TAN: (stands up) Oh, let me do that, sir. (walks over, grabs a log, and sticks it into fireplace, no one is paying attention when it suddenly bursts into flames)

DAD: You know, I don’t know why, but you remind me of a man I knew after high school. He was firefighter. John. John Baptist III.

S’TAN: Really? He’s my father’s cousin, once-removed I think.

DAD: Small world! You know, you–eh, strike me as someone who might be just as resilient towards fire accidents.

S’TAN: (laughs) It's a gift.

ELIJAH: (comes back in, clapping hands clean) Table's set!

DAD: Ah, time for boiled monkey heads!

S’TAN: Sounds good!

(Everyone goes to the dining room, while MOM simultaneously comes in from the kitchen door with a large bowl of steaming monkey heads. Lighting in the living room should black out, to center audience focus on the dining room)

MOM: (sets them on the table) Here we are! Now let me just get those cabbages . . .

S’TAN: (circling the table) Let me give you a hand back there.

MOM: Oh, no, no! You just sit down. I’ll be fine!

DAD: (sitting) Go help your mother, Eli.

ELIJAH: (caught off guard) Huh? Oh, sure. Hold up, Mom. (exits with MOM)

DAD: (turns to S’TAN) So, you lived in Franz Josef Land?

S’TAN: Yes, for about 6 years. I was born at sea, not too far from the north pole, really.

DAD: You know, I served there during the war. We were Sergeant Pepper’s 568th air raid squadron, U.S.S. Inferno.

S’TAN: It’s cold up there.

DAD: Cold as hell.

MOM: (barges in with bowls of cabbage) Well, I’m sure you too have been talking about man things!

DAD: What in the hell are you talking about, woman?

ELIJAH: (stumbles in through the other door with loads of burned cabbage rolling underfoot) Mom! Dad! The living room’s on fire!

DAD: What!? (stands up, goes to the living room door)

S’TAN: Sir! No!

(DAD opens up the entrance to the living room exposing a back draft)

MOM: Jesus Christ!

ELIJAH: Dad!

(S’TAN runs into kitchen, while MOM and ELIJAH run around the dining room avoiding the small fires on all the upholstery and table cloth. DAD has stop, dropped, and rolled to extinguish himself, but remains fazed. S’TAN busts in, spraying the kitchen fire extinguisher all over before running into the living room. A few moments afterward, there is a loud bang)

ELIJAH: S’tan! (runs to the door, feeling for heat with his palm and carefully opening it, he is relieved to see the fire is out) S’tan!

MOM: (practicing CPR on DAD) Honey! Call 911!!

ELIJAH: (nods, runs into the living room) S’tan!

DAD: (swipes Mary away, engrossed in a flashback) Mary! Mary! Get out of here! This is no place for a woman!

MOM: Shut up, honey, this isn’t an air raid! (grabs DAD gently) This isn’t an air raid! This is home! Listen, dear, it’s home!

DAD: Holy! Get my machine gun! Get me it! There’s Charlie everywhere!

MOM: No, honey, no. Charlie’s not here . . . Charlie’s lying in a four foot grave in the South Pacific (now cradling DAD’s head in her arms) Shh.

ELIJAH: (runs in) Mom! They’re coming! But, but I can’t find S’tan!

MOM: What? He’s not there? Check the kitchen!

ELIJAH: No, Mom, I did. The house goes around, remember? That’s how I saw the fire . . . I wanted to warn you, but, you’d left with the cabbages . . .

MOM: What? Don’t be silly, I’d know if there was a fire in my own house. Especially if I were in it at the godforsaken time, Jesus Christ.

ELIJAH: No! You were too busy or something! I couldn’t get through to you! It’s as if you were totally oblivious to me and your surroundings!

MOM: You’re being awfully lucid for an emergency. Are you allright, dear?

(The sounds and lights of ambulances and fire engines appear and two paramedics run in. They head immediately to Dad, while a fireman comes in through the kitchen)

FIREMAN: Do you know there are boiled monkey heads and burned cabbage in your kitchen?

ELIJAH: Yes! You didn’t see a man outside did you?? We can’t find him!

FIREMAN: You can’t find him?

MOM: Yes, we can’t find him! (is pushed aside by a paramedic)

FIREMAN: I’ll put a word out, sir. Where was he during the fire?

ELIJAH: He’d run into the living room, that’s where the fire was, with–with an extinguisher!

FIREMAN: What? An extinguisher?

ELIJAH: YES!

FIREMAN: (Pulls out his walkie talkie, speaking into it) Base, we’ve got a possible puncture wound victim with a kitchen extinguisher in a red zone. Look for body parts. Fingers, ears... over.

MOM: My god, are you saying the extinguisher exploded with him?? How??

FIREMAN: Kitchen extinguishers are dangerous objects when not used properly during a fire emergency, ma’am. They’re only for small stove fires caused either by grease or electricity. Not four-alarm catastrophes such as this.

ELIJAH: What? But, shouldn’t there have been some kind of explosion or something?

FIREMAN: You didn’t hear a bang or anything? If it wasn’t in this room you probably only heard a bang.

MOM: Oh dear. That’s really just horrifying.

ELIJAH: (suddenly realizing) Oh god.

(The FIREMAN moves into the living room exit, while the paramedics bring DAD out on a stretcher. MOM and ELIJAH surround it as it exits)

PARAMEDIC 1: (never facing the audience) Franz, take the old guy out with Josef. They might need me here for that other guy. (nods to the second paramedic and then, after they exit, runs to get ELIJAH’s bags, which have been sitting in the corner of the dining room through this whole incident. The paramedic sorts through it violently, and finally takes out a thick-looking term paper, he turns around to find some light to read under, only to reveal that this is the same actor playing as S’TAN.) Yes! Yes! (stands, looking up) Hey, Dad I’m done.

(a large foreboding man in a red suit appears via the kitchen entrance, saunters to S’TAN, and snatches the paper from him. He peruses it for a moment)

MAN: You wrote this?

S’TAN: (nods) Yeah, what do you think? Is it good enough.

MAN: Good enough. Okay, you’re officially a demon. (snaps fingers) Get your horns at the nearest bus stop. (smoke explodes and the man has disappeared. Lights out)