Kill Barbara Walters a (literally) dark comedy by Sean Tarjoto
(SEAN is center stage in front of a noisy TV, engrossed in a bag of chips. Down center is the TV, low and on the ground, so that the audience can see SEAN'S upper body but not legs. Up Right is the apartment door. Down right is the kitchen. Up left is the door leading to the bathroom. Down left is the bedroom. The window is open. And the apartment is relatively spic and span)
KYLE: (offstage, knocks on apt door)
SEAN: (doesn't hear KYLE, continues watching TV, eating)
KYLE: (knocks louder) Hey man, open up!
(Blackout. The electricity has gone out in the apartment. SEAN curses once loudly, seeing the TV die at a critical point in the show. There is a moment of loud rustling and movement coupled by KYLE'S continuous knocking)
KYLE: (knocking loudly) Hey! Open up!
SEAN: Yeah, be right there! Dammit...(begins stomping around in the dark. The sounds of footsteps and falling things: a picture frame, the phone book, and finally the crunch-crackle of what sounds like the bag of chips under SEAN's foot) fuck
KYLE: (Bursts into room, breaking the door open. He thrusts out a flashlight, hitting SEAN in the face) Sean!
SEAN: Ah! What the fuck?! Kyle?
KYLE: (notes that Sean is just outside the bathroom door, and has no pants on) Whoa...sorry dude. Didn't know you were busy.
SEAN: I'm not. (looks around, grabbing some pants off the floor) What the fuck is going on?
KYLE: There was a blackout.
SEAN: Shit, I can see that! (a dog barks faintly in the background)
KYLE: Yeah. (waving flashlight around the apartment, as if he were a professional exterminator checking for roaches) Whole neighborhood. No, whole half of the city. Or...wait, actually I think the entire metro area. News said so.
SEAN: (stumbling around picking things off floor) How'd you watch the news if the power was out?
KYLE: (still waving light) Um, it’s spooky. You see, I was watching TV...I was watching Three's Company-it was a rerun I think-but I was watching and then there was a special report...and then the newslady anchorman was talking about how just a half hour ago. Or an hour ago considering the time I took. . . maybe. But I was watching and they were advising to get your emergency supplies stuff ready and so I did. But then, when I look at the TV, the news report starts shaking, and at first, I think that the vertical's all messed up. But then, I see that the lady is moving around and screaming because, there’s a fucking earthquake in the news station. So I have my stuff all ready and am all ready to go, when suddenly the power goes out. And since you're my bud and all, man, and I love you, I came here to see if you were allright.
SEAN: When did all this happen?
KYLE: Just now, man. Don’t you watch the TV?
SEAN: Yeah but...
KYLE: You were probably watching a cable channel.
SEAN: Maybe...but, I woulda felt the earthquake.
KYLE: No...we're not on the San Andreas fault you see. The other side of the city is though, and that's downtown. Where the newstations all are.
SEAN: Oh...
KYLE: So let's go, man. We gotta evacuate. There's gonna be a riot soon.
SEAN: A what?
KYLE: A riot.
SEAN: Here??
KYLE: Yeah man...just listen. (walks over to SEAN, grabbing his arm and bringing him over to the window. He lets him go) Listen.
SEAN: (frowns, not sure what to do. He looks out the window)
KYLE: No, man, listen. (SEAN Listens for a moment, but only hears white noise. He straightens up and there is the faint noise of a few ambulance sirens) There. Fire engines.
SEAN: Man, we gotta find the dog.
KYLE: Cool. You got a dog? What is he?
SEAN: A pitbull.
KYLE: (laughs) A . . . pitbull? You shoulda just got a fuckin’ chia pet.
SEAN: What?
KYLE: A chia pet. Pitbulls are stupid. They just fucking jump around and eat tacos.
SEAN: What?? No, man, that's a chihuahua. I got the big ugly kind.
KYLE: Whoa, really?
SEAN: Yeah, and he ain't housebroken either. (begins looking)
KYLE: (Turns, waving flashlight around left stage. SEAN stumbles over something) I heard him!
SEAN: Where?
KYLE: Over there...bathroom. (waves flashlight to bathroom)
SEAN: No, he's not there. I think that was me...
KYLE: You?
SEAN: Yes...
KYLE: Oh. Well, then where's the dog?
SEAN: I don't know what're you--(KYLE's flashlight dies)
KYLE: (shakes flashlight around a few times) ...
SEAN: Oh shit, I hope you have two of those.
KYLE: Two of what?
SEAN: Flashes.
KYLE: What's a flashes?
SEAN: Flashes! Do have two of 'em?
KYLE: I can't have two of what I don't know about.
SEAN: (growing frustration) What're you talking about?
KYLE: I dunno.
SEAN: (frustrated now) Well, dammit--okay, do you have any flashlights?
KYLE: Yeah.
SEAN: OK, how many?
KYLE: One.
SEAN: Shit.
KYLE: (shakes flashlight) Maybe I got some more batteries.
SEAN: Well good, then find them...I think I just missed half of my show.
KYLE: (rummaging in bag) What were you watching?
SEAN: Rockford files... (moving to where KYLE'S voice is)
KYLE: Never heard of it. (zips bag open)
SEAN: (suddenly) Ahh!
KYLE: What?
SEAN: Something just touched me….
KYLE: Maybe it was your dog.
SEAN: I dunno man. This was my shoulder...
KYLE: Oh hey wait then. (KYLE feels around in the dark and pokes SEAN in the face)
SEAN: Ow!!
KYLE: Sorry, I think I mighta kicked you when I moved the bag around. You're pretty close to me...
SEAN: What? Be more careful then.
KYLE: Sorry...where are you?
SEAN: Here where I’m safe, bitch.
KYLE: Well, I am a soccer player. (moves bag around, and drops flashlight on floor, where it suddenly switches on)
SEAN: Hey!
KYLE: What?
SEAN: The flashlight's on. Awright, cool...
KYLE: Mini-power outages. (reaches for flashlight, but it switches off before he can get it)
SEAN: Why did you do that??
KYLE: I didn't do anything...
SEAN: You turned it off.
KYLE: No way, it turned off itself. It must be possessed.
SEAN: What?
KYLE: There is much darkness in this vicinity.
SEAN: Kyle? What the fuck are you talking about?
KYLE: We must find your dog.
SEAN: No shit. Gimme the flashlight.
KYLE: (removes batteries quickly, tosses SEAN useless flashlight)
SEAN: (doesn't catch it, it falls to ground and rolls off somewhere) Goddamn it. Where’d it go?
KYLE: Into the pits of armageddon. Hoo-rah.
SEAN: Funny.
KYLE: Into Dante's inferno, past the tenth level of hell. There is no light there.
SEAN (brief pause. Complete silence) Kyle?
KYLE: Liberte tu may, ex inferis.
SEAN: Kyle, stop it...
KYLE: The riots are a coming. We are doomed.
SEAN: Stop it Kyle! Help me find the dog!
KYLE: Your dog has been assimilated. We have added his biological and technological distinctiveness to our own. He will exist to service us.
SEAN: Kyle!
KYLE: Oh my god. We are going to die now.
SEAN: KYLE! You're a fucking freak!
KYLE: That is the man behind the curtain speaking. Pay no attention to the voices in the dark. They are there only for my amusement.
SEAN: What the fuck is wrong with you?
KYLE: The riots have arrived, Sean. Feel the burn.
(SEAN is suddenly attacked by several men in the dark, who have snuck in earlier. There is the sound of thumping and scuffling of feet. Then, the power turns on and several figures in black clothing and ski masks are revealed to the audience, quickly escaping the apartment. It has been virtually cleaned out; all valuables stolen and stored in the robber's large garbage bags. SEAN is unconscious on the floor, halfway inside the bathroom. There is blood splatter on the mirror.
The TV turns on.)