Miss You Love

Millionaire say, got a big shot deal, and thrown it all away but, I'm not too sure, how I'm supposed to feel, or what I'm supposed to say. But I'm not, not sure, not too sure how it feels, to handle every day, and I miss you love...

Isn't it weird how everything in life just builds up, surrounding you with it's faults, eating away at your soul, depriving you of your very being, and it's not until too late that you realize what's happening? It seems that that's all my life has been like for the past few months... years really, but in the past couple of months the pain escalated into something phenomenal.

It all started to crumble the day Dave announced to us, the rest of the family, that he was gay. I knew deep down in my heart how hard that must have been for him. I also knew that I was okay with it. But what did I do instead? I blew up at him, refused to talk or even be a part of his life. In a few short days I earned the nickname of 'Bastard'. And that was how I was referred to from that point onwards.

I admit I wasn't proud of what I'd done, but did that mean I was going to apologize? No. And why the hell should I? I asked myself at the time. I know now why, but back then I was a selfish, arrogant child. In some ways I wonder if I've even changed at all.

Make room for the prey, 'cause I'm coming in, with what I wanna say but, it's gonna hurt, and I love the pain, a breeding ground for hate but... I'm not, not sure, not too sure how it feels, to handle everyday, like the one that just past, in the crowds of all the people...

I'd like to think I've matured since then, but I know it's not until I gain Dave's forgiveness and trust again, that I can go on living my life as I want too. The night of our last concert was the worst. Screaming girls, showing us all their adoration. In the past few years we had all noticed the trend of the cardboard signs leaning from me to Dave. Slowly as he grew up, he was becoming the favourite and the guy every fan worshipped.

I think I resented him for that, even without meaning too. I had always been the pin-up boy of our band, and now Dave was taking that away from me. That night I wanted to tell them all that he was gay, and to stop wasting their energy on him, that's how annoyed I was... not necessarily with him, but with life in general. The band, the only way of life as I knew it, was ending, and I didn't know how to cope with what may come after.

Remember today, I've no respect for you, and I miss you love, and I miss use love. I love the way you love, but I hate the way, I'm supposed to love you back...

I think what made me more cold towards Dave was the way he acted as though everything was okay. He treated me like I'd never dissed him and removed him from my life. He continued on with that cheery grin ever plastered on his handsome face, and he just went on about his business. It was like he'd erased the day he came out from his memory completely. I loved the way he could embrace life like that, the way he loved the world and everything in it.

I could never be like that. Love has never come easy for me. I could express anger, contempt, hatred and all other kinds of emotions, but as soon as it drifted towards love I stepped on the back burner and got the hell out of there. I put this down to the fact that I'm not one of the triplets. I'm just Scott, the older brother; not even the heartthrob anymore, I didn't even have that to have as my very own.

It's just a fad, part of the teenage angst brigade and, I'm not, not sure, not too sure how it feels, to handle everyday, like the one that just past, in the crowds of all the people...

I know I need to make amends with Dave, especially now that he's about to leave for Australia. Having him that far away from me will make me feel even worse about the way I've been treating him. He's in his room right now, packing for his trip. He leaves tomorrow morning, at some un-godly hour, and then that'll be it; no Dave for months on end until he decides he wants to come back home.

And honestly, why would he? What has he got here? Identical brothers who have already joined a band together without us, and me... the Bastard who wants too, but can never, accept who he really is. I stood up and stumbled blindly towards my door with a well-crumpled letter in my hands. It was something I'd written a while ago, something that I'd read and re-read... and now I was finally going to deliver it to it's rightful owner.

I slipped the letter under Dave's doorframe and stood silently outside his room as I heard him shuffle over and pick it up. What I heard was the last thing I expected from my poorly written apology. Tears. Heart wrenching, shoulder shaking, mind numbing, tears. I knew I should've gone into his room to comfort him, but I did only what I'd grown accustomed to doing; the apology was enough for me for one night, I'd work on physical forgiveness when he got back. I walked away.

I love the way you love, but I hate the way, I'm supposed to love you back...

*~*~*~*

Musical credit goes to Silverchair.