| It seems wherever I turn there is a new poison to ingest and endure...all my life I been told that I was too "sensitive"...at this point in the game, I think that the next person who says this just may have to bargain for their life. I am too sensitive, you say? Are you certain that you are not just a thoughtless, inconsiderate, and insensitive buffoon? Poison...this is in me too...I allow myself to see, taste, and feel this poison...I don't have to...I could chose to be like the rest of the mindless, senseless, comatose morons out there and just NOT see it. I do see it though, and right now I am righteously burning with rage...poison without and poison within. Am I Snake Person? I am beginning to wonder... Thoughtless, inconsiderate people seem to surround me at every junction...the word "thoughtless" really seems to sum it up, that is without thought. People say all sorts of horrific things..."Oh, did I hurt your toes when I just stomped all over them with my broken-glass-soled boots? Well, YOU were in MY way...besides, I am so light, most people don't feel me trotting all over THEIR toes. There MUST be something wrong with YOU, because it is most certainly is not me that is in the wrong here. In fact, I don't even know what you are talking about. What are "toes" anyway????" Bottom line... most people have not "feet" left to have any feelings, let alone "toes"! Dead, machine-like automaton ZOMBIES!!!! Oh, oh, pardon me, am I supposed to be polite here? Dear me, I am sorry! Was I supposed to play along with this charade and pretend that you are actually a decent human being? Are you human after all? Oops! Silly me! I forgot to pretend that you are ANY kind of BEING that I owe respect. At the very least, I should try to maintain the pretense that I <gag> respect you. Shall I continue to swallow the noxious, putrid venom that others so boorishly spew out at me? Hmmm, let me think...NOT! I fear I have come to the end of my tether...I am fed up with being the "nice" girl...the "kid that got in the way", as my "father" so sweetly summed up my role in the "family". So what if I am arrogant? So what if I am really a snob under this facade of benevolence? So long, Cloak of Martyrdom! I am afraid I have out grown the use of your chill...more on this later. Do read on. And why do I do it? Pretend? Do I enjoy the feeling of being better than my fellow humans because I simply pay attention to other people's feelings? Am I smug because I remember to include others? Does my feeling of superiority come from the fact that I do not deliberately trod on others, or lash out mindlessly when I am angry? Or am I so superior because I do not spit out idiotic theories about who other people are and then to top that off, actually have the nerve to think that I am right? Am I angry now? What part of me is not? I am happy to say that even chocolate could not appease the seething, raging, volcanic goddess within me. I am a Tiger...I sit at people's feet, whilst others clumsily step on my tail, and still others persistently stroke my fur the wrong way...and they actually believe I will not attack. I keep my teeth, my claws, and my strength well hidden. Is this what really gets me off? The fact that I am so talented at hide and seek that others do not even know that we are playing? Well, let us not forget that Tigers are the ones in the large cat family that once they have eaten human flesh develop a taste for it. Just a warning. I am a Scorpion. How I long to sting others into submission, but I foolishly hold my tail in check. I have massive vaults of cutting wit and sarcastic replies at my disposal, but do I ever make a withdrawal? Rarely. I am continually protecting others from myself. Either I am protecting others from myself, or I am protecting them from themselves and the consequences that should come from their actions. People are so transparent at times that it actually makes my skin actually crawl. The most illuminating discovery is that all this poison is actually making me stronger. My teeth and claws grow sharper, my mind quicker, and my strength greater. I have the last laugh after all...or do I? The downside to all this is of course, my disguise. I have such a well-honed disguise. So cunningly designed that even I have believed that there is no disguise. My disguise is so persuasive, that I forgot that there is one. Oh, but there is. And I was not content with a mere mask, I had to fashion an entire costume and not just one, but many. All of the same cut and style, and with enough variation in which to keep myself constantly guessing. Layers, upon layers of design, and of course to top it all off, there is a cloak to match. The Cloak of Martyrdom. This way, I can totally pull off the whole "look", and truly be better than everyone else. These are but a few of my disguises...The disguise of Sweetness and Understanding, "Oh, it's alright that you trod all over my toes with your broken-glass soled boots!" The addition of the Cloak, "Yes, it is true that I am gushing blood, but I'll be okay." The disguise of Concern for Others Over Myself, "Oh dear, am I getting my blood on your carpet?" The addition of the Cloak, "Here, let me clean that up. Even though you hurt me, I really didn't need to bleed all over your nice clean carpet." The disguise of I-Really-Am-Quite-Above-It-All, "Hurt? Nah, not really. I didn't feel a thing when you drove that blade into my chest." And with a flap of my Cloak, "I felt even less when you drove it in deeper, twisting the blade sweetly, and pierced my heart. You are not at fault, you were just being you." Other people are just so much better than I, they deserve so much more than I. They are busier than I, more clever than I, have more pain than I, and are certainly more special than I. If someone gives me a pencil, I must give them a computer in return. It is only fair, after all. Why do I owe everyone else so much, and I so little in return? It is entirely too obvious. To keep up the facade, so they will continue to buy my disguise. No one will be any the wiser, including myself. It is safe here, isn't it? I have had it with "safe"...the word is a complete illusion. Safe, bah! No more SAFE!!! As if there could ever be such a thing in this world. Take your chances out here with the scorpions and the rattlers, at least theirs is an honest venom. Unlike, the venom that comes from people pretending to be your "friend". "Friends" who place little or no value on the sacrifices you have made on their behalf and can only say, "I didn't ask you to make a sacrifice for me." "Friends" who do not rejoice with you when you have had a success, but instead withhold their love and approval. "Friends" who say, "But you are the most important person in my life", but then you need to make an appointment with them in order to see them. "Friends" who say pretty words, pretty meaningless words. Words are cheap, actions are what count. What really burns though is that you cannot tell these "friends" that their words are meaningless. You cannot tell them that their actions contradict their words. Why? Because all they will do is act hurt, "You don't believe me? How could you? Don't you realize how much you mean to me?" Yeah, I realize that I am just yesterday's birdcage newspaper lining to you. I am ill with the putting up with it, the taking it, and the trying to understand it. I am tired of being "the most important person" in someone's life, only to be forgotten when I need to be remembered the most. I am tired of pretending that I am a nice little girl...I am not. Don't like it? How much would you like to continue to breath? I am exhausted from the effort of begging for the crumbs of validation from others. The bottom line is, validation only comes from within. Don't expect it from any other source, you will always be disappointed. Either it won't be the right type, it won't be enough, or it won't come at all. The later being most likely. Most people are out for themselves... needy, greedy, and seedy... I am utterly worn out with the effort of being Walter Mitty...fed up with daydreaming. When am I going to get a juicy bit of life? I mean joyous, fun, and exhilarating LIFE. Can I be free now? Have I been locked up long enough? Have I been punished severely enough? I mean, when is it going to be my turn? Only when I say and not before. No one is going to step up and say, "Come on you nice, sweet, little girl, come on and have your turn now." Right, and George Bush will tell everyone the truth about how he stole the presidency. The catholic church will tell everyone how sorry they are for all their perverted priests. Politicians everywhere will start being honest with the people. All the religious fanatics will realize that they are wrong about god wanting them to kill all non-believers...shall I go on? It will be my turn, when I say it is my turn. I will have stop standing at the back of the line. In fact, I will just have to get out of line completely. Why am I standing in a line wating for stuff I don't want??? What I want is altogether different. I want a big house filled with wonder, merriment, art, beauty, love, and truth. With great windows overlooking emerald hills and wise oaks. I want a big, chunky wood table to sit at with other brave souls and have intelligent discussions on how to take over the world. I want to sit on a large, comfortable, velvet sofa with my love, in front of a cheery fire, sipping wine and happiness, whilst we plan what new new advenure we will embark upon. I want the rare and the fine. I want to travel this world, seeing beautiful settings, meeting interesting and like-minded others. I want to write books brimming with wisdom, exciting escapades, and humor, and of which I have great pride. I want to be free in this world. Care to join me? |
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