THE RED CHAIR
©1990 Peter L. Mehegan
The setting A bare stage. To the left, a red chair,
preferably large, over-stuffed and extremely comfortable looking.
The lights start very warm, but imperceptibly dim as the time
moves toward sunset.
When the lights come up, the man is sitting comfortably in
the chair, dozing, and the woman is standing.
The RED CHAIR
The Woman
(Sigh)
The man looks up and turns to the woman.
The Woman
(Sigh)
The Man
What is it?
The Woman
I'm so tired. Oh I'm so tired.
The Man
(Getting up) Why don't you sit for a little?
The Woman
I can't. You know that.
The Man
Crossing slowly to her. Why not?
The Woman
The floor is too dirty. It would ruin my clothes.
The Man
Why not sit in the chair?
The Woman
What chair?
The Man
The one I've just been sitting in.
The Woman
Looks at the man. Incredulous. You've been sitting in a chair?
The Man
Why do you sound so incredulous? You saw me.
The Woman
I saw nothing of the kind.
The Man
You saw me. I was dozing comfortably in the chair when you sighed. Why don't you sit in the chair?
The Woman
What chair?
The Man
That one over there. The one I was sitting in. It's comfortable. It's nice. It even has good back support. It would be great for your bad back.
The Woman
What chair?
The Man
That one. The one over there.
The Woman
I don't believe you can actually think that there's a chair over there.
The Man
What do you mean you don't believe? I was just sitting in it, I got up I walked over here, I look back and lo and behold a chair. Yup yup, it's still there. Look!
The Woman
I am. There's no chair.
The Man
What do you see over there?
The Woman
I don't know. It could be a cloud. It could be a ship. It could be anything. It doesn't have to be a chair.
The Man
What does it look like?
The Woman
I don't know. To be honest, you can't be sure.
The Man
Of course you can be sure. It is a chair. I'm sure.
The Woman
How can you be so obnoxious as to say you know something that you obviously can't know? That thing has been here since I can remember and no one else has ever said 'It's a chair, go sit in it.' You're saying you know and no one else does. You're saying you're right and over half the world's population is wrong.
The Man
What are you talking about? Over half the world's population hasn't been here. If they had, they could have sat in the chair too. And they would know as surely as I know that that is a chair!
The Woman
(Sigh) God I'm tired.
The Man
Why don't you sit down then?
The Woman
Would you please stop?
The Man
I'll stop, but I won't understand.
The Woman
You men are all alike. You think you're right all the time, and I'm wrong just because I don't hold to your beliefs.
The Man
Crosses to chair and sits. I know I'm not right all of the time.
The Woman
Bitterly. Or most of the time.
The Man
But once in a while, maybe even by accident, I am right. He closes his eyes.
Pause. The woman stares at the man.
The Woman
I don't believe you sometimes...You are so obnoxious sometimes.
No answer. The woman stares, the man rests.
The Woman
Why is it that you have to be right and I have to be wrong? Why can't we just both be right? You have your beliefs and I have my beliefs, and we just respect each other.
The Man
You mean why can't we just both be right?
The Woman
Yeah. The world would be so much better off if everyone just respected everyone else's beliefs.
The Man
I'm right and you're right.
The Woman
Right.
The Man
The chair is here and its not here. Sounds good.
There is a pause. The woman stands nervously. The man relaxes deeply in the chair.
The Woman
(Sigh)
The Man
How are you feeling?
The Woman
Great. Just great.
The Man
Tired?
The Woman
That's such a stupid question. What do you care if I'm tired?
The Man
I was just asking. At least you're happy.
The Woman
Happy? What do you mean happy? Happy about what?
The Man
Happy that you can believe there is no chair if you want to.
The Woman
You are a real sicko. You can never leave things go can you? All you want to do is argue. I wasn't even talking about the chair and you had to bring it up again. Why can't you just let it be? We never have to talk about it or anything. Everything would be just so much simpler if we just never talked about chairs again.
The Man
Ok. No more chairs.
Pause. The woman stands uncomfortably. This time the man watches her sadly. Aware of his glance, she avoids it.
The Man
Gently and sincerely. Honey.
The Woman
Yeah?
The Man
When you do the vacuuming in this room--
The Woman
Yeah?
The Man
What do you do when you get over to this side?
The Woman
Where that big thing is?
The Man
What big thing?
The Woman
What do you mean, "What big thing?" That big thing you're sitting in.
The Man
You mean you know I'm sitting?
The Woman
Hurt, not angry. You really do think I'm stupid, don't you? Of course I know you're sitting.
The Man
I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I've not understood everything you're saying. Can I ask some more questions?
The Woman
No chairs?
The Man
Promise.
The Woman
Go ahead.
The Man
What am I sitting on?
The Woman
I have no idea.
The Man
What does it look like?
The Woman
She looks for a while. I really couldn't tell you. It could be anything.
The Man
Absolutely no tone of mockery in his voice or mannerism. It could be anything. Anything?
The Woman
You mean it could be a chair? All right I'll grant it could be a chair--If you'll agree that it could not be a chair, too.
The Man
You said the word--I didn't. (She looks sharply at him.) Sorry. OK, agreed. It might not be that thing. Anyway what do you do when you vacuum in this room?
The Woman
Obviously I have to go around it.
The Man
You do have to go around it. In other words, it's not a cloud--you can't go through it. (He looks, she nods. He continues) It's not a cloud. Right. It is something solid. Have you ever touched it? (She shakes her head no.) Would you dare to touch it if I touched it with you?
The Woman is getting nervous, like a little child about to do something new and scary.
The Woman
Maybe, with you there.
The Man
(Getting up.) OK, come on. (She comes over to him.) Here. (b>He takes her hand.)
The Woman
Shyly. This is kind of scary.
The Man
What does it feel like?
The Woman
What does it feel like?
The Man
What does it feel like?
The Woman
Kind of like stuffed fabric. Or mud under a tarpaulin. Or...or...hmm. I don't know.
The Man
But it is solid?
The Woman
I think so.
The Man
You can't tell for sure?
The Woman
No. I don't know what's inside of it. I don't know what it's sitting on. I don't know what it's made of. I don't know where it comes from. How can I truly know that it's solid?
The Man
Truly know?
The Woman
Yeah, truly.
The Man
Do you dare sit in it?
The Woman
Sit in it?
The Man
Sit in it.
The Woman
Sounds scary.
The Man
You saw me sit in it.
The Woman
Will you be sitting in it too?
The Man
You want me to?
The Woman
Yes!
The Man
OK. (He sits.) Come on.
The woman sits very tentatively, as if she expected to go crashing down at any moment. She settles into his lap. It feels real good. It may be the first opportunity in her life that she has ever sat down.
Pause
She likes it she smiles.
The Man
So?
The Woman
Romantically. I like it. It's nice.
The Man
Any idea what you're sitting on?
The Woman
Mmmmmm. You!
The Man
What am I sitting on?
The Woman
Who cares?
The Man
What do you mean, who cares? If you're sitting on me, I've got to be sitting on something. Don't you even care what I'm sitting on?
The Woman
It's not going to work.
The Man
What's not going to work?
The Woman
It's not going to work. You're not going to get me to admit that you're right--that we're sitting in a chair.
The Man
What are we sitting in then?
The Woman
I'm sitting on you and I couldn't care less what you're sitting on. If you're dumb enough to believe it's a chair--go ahead. Dammit! (Getting up and crossing right.) That makes me so mad about you. You will go to any length to prove you're right and I'm wrong.
Pause.
The Woman
You're so mean.
Pause.
The Woman
You're so mean. Why can't you just leave me alone? Why do I have to have the same opinion as you?
The Man
Opinion?
The Woman
Opinion. Your opinion. It's so important that everyone else look at the world the same way you do. Everybody has to agree with you. You're only satisfied when you've proven you're right and everybody else is wrong.
The Man
What if I am right?
The Woman
See? 'If I am right.' That presupposes I'm wrong. You refuse to admit that it's only opinion.
The Man
It might just be my opinion, but it happens to be a fact.
The Woman
In your opinion.
The Man
How can fact be fact in my opinion? It either is or it isn't. If the whole world believes the world is flat, that does not change the shape of the world! Fact is fact. It is or it isn't.
The Woman
Is or isn't what? You're confusing me.
The Man
It is or it isn't fact. Truth.
The Woman
'Facts are the enemy of Truth.' That's what Don Quixote said.
The Man
He was crazy. Don Quixote fought windmills.
The Woman
No he wasn't, he was right.
The Man
That's your opinion.
The Woman
See what I mean? If I have an opinion, I'm wrong. If you have one, you're right. You make me so mad! For you, Truth is a little box with your name on it and a sign Open here only if you're prepared to agree with me. No one else has the truth but you. It's so sad.
The Man
We're talking about facts. A chair is a chair. The world is round.
The Woman
Facts according to you. See? They're all just opinions! Opinions! You have yours and I have mine.
The Man
You have yours and I have mine.
The Woman
Right.
The Man
Opinions. Not facts.
The Woman
Right.
The Man
You have yours, and I have mine. OK. What is my opinion.
The Woman
You're not a little egotistical, are you? We've discussed your opinion all day. Do you know what my opinion even is?
The Man
Sure. You don't want to believe that this chair is a chair.
The Woman
You're so bigoted. You make me sound so ditsy. If anyone was listening to this they would say 'She is such a ditz. She doesn't want to believe this chair is a chair.' You're so wrong.
The Man
What is your opinion?
The Woman
I'm open-minded. I just don't want to affirm something you can't be sure of. I never said that isn't a chair. I think it's narrow-minded to insist that that's what it is.
The Man
Narrow-minded.
The Woman
Yes. Narrow-minded. You only see things one way.
The Man
I've been sitting in that chair all day, and been very comfortable, and I'm narrow-minded to think that that chair is a chair and not a boat.
The Woman
You insist that that is a chair and anyone who disagrees with you is wrong. That is a chair, just like you said. And everyone in the whole world has to accept it as a chair. That is a chair and nothing but a chair. And anyone who thinks otherwise is dumb and blind and wrong. That's narrow minded.
The Man (under his breath)
A blind person would probably agree with me.
The Woman
What?
The Man
Nothing. I was just talking to myself. Sorry.
The Woman
You make me so mad--see you have to make fun of me for my opinion. It has to be a chair or I'm just a jerk.
The Man
No. It's not that important.
The Woman
No. It isn't. People can get along just fine and never have to agree.
The Man
They can be happy.
The Woman
Right. You can have your opinion. You have a right to your opinion--I'll never make fun of you for your opinion. Just leave me have my opinion too, OK? OK?
The Man
Sure sure! No problem. (Pause.) You have your opinion. I have mine. For me this is a nice easy chair, comfortable and relaxing. For you it might not be. I can relax, sit back and sleep. I can entrust my whole weight to this chair, but you can't, because it might not be a chair. Since it might be anything, it can't be anything. And nothing can be proven. And that's OK by me. You're happy and I'm happy. And comfortable. Hmmmmm.
The Woman
You're making fun of me.
The Man
Sorry. (He sinks comfortably into the chair.)
The Woman
Stop it. Would you?
Pause.
The Man
Hon?
The Woman
Mmmm?
The Man
Have you thought of what you're going to do when the night comes?
The Woman
No. Why?
The Man
How are you going to sleep? Where are you going to sleep?
The Woman
I don't know. I suppose I'll have to stand. I don't know. I really don't want to think about it.
The Man
You can't stand and sleep.
The Woman
Look I'll face it when the time comes, OK? I said I don't want to think about it right now. OK?
The Man
OK. (Pause.) How do you feel?
The Woman
Tired. I'm going to drop. (She's crying.)
The Man
(Getting up, gently. His compassion has to be visible.) Something is really wrong.
The Woman
You're right. It's you and your arguments. You make me so tired. It's awful. I feel so lonely and misunderstood. I just need a friend. I wish there was someone here I could just talk to.
The Man
Can't I help?
The Woman
Help!? It's your fault I'm like this.
The Man
Because I have to be right?
The Woman
It's so discouraging. Why do you feel that way?
The Man
I don't want to. Have you ever thought of that? What if I never wanted to be right. What if Galileo had kept his mouth shut about the Earth revolving around the sun.
The Woman
He might not have had so many arguments.
The Man
That's true. He might not have had any. He would have had peace in his lifetime, and a classroom full of eager students. (Thinking.) OK. If that's really all that's bothering you, I don't want to be right this time. OK? It's not a chair.
The Woman
Don't patronize me. I'm too tired.
The Man
I don't mean to. I don't care what that thing is, it's not a chair. It's a blob. (He smiles.)
The Woman
(She laughs.)You can't know that.
The Man
OK. It's a whatever, but it's not a chair. OK?
The Woman
It might be a chair, but it might not be, too.
The Man
Right. That's what I meant. OK? You just need a friend. I do too.
They move down right like two friends would. The warmth of their friendship is slowly rekindling.
The Woman
It's nice like this, isn't it?
The Man
I wish it could always be like this.
The Woman
It's going to be a beautiful sunset.
The Man
And a cold night.
The Woman
It looks it anyway. (She leans on him, exhausted. Yawns.) I'm so tired.
The Man
Hon, what one thing would you desire most in the whole world right now.
The Woman
Are you serious? (She recognizes that he is. She plays this straight, too.) The one thing? Rest. I'd love some place I could sit and rest.
The Man
Like a chair? I'm not baiting you. I'm serious. If there was a chair--you'd sit in it right away, wouldn't you?
The Woman
Yes I suppose I would--if there was a chair.
The Man
OK. How do you think you would come to recognize it if there was a chair?
The Woman
I'm sure I would just know it.
The Man
You feel you would just know it.
The Woman
Of course. Anyone would recognize a chair if there really was one....Don't you think?
The Man
(Completely straight--this is not comedy, it is tragedy.) I would think that anyone would recognize a chair the minute they saw it.
The Woman
Sure they would.
The Man
Hmmm. (Pause.) And just how do you suppose someone would recognize it? Really. How could someone just know if it was a chair?
The Woman
Well--maybe by the color. Aren't chairs blue?
The Man
Maybe. Some certainly are.
The Woman
But not all?
The Man
No not all.
The Woman
No I don't suppose they are all blue. (She begins to laugh lightly at the silliness of the suggestion.) It's funny. I just never thought of it before. I suppose a chair could be any color you want. It could be green--
The Man
Or red--
The Woman
Or orange--
The Man
Or red--
The Woman
Or brown. A nice warm, brown. Something that doesn't dirty too easily. That would be nice--
The Man
Or red--
The Woman
and practical. What did you say honey?
The Man
Or red. What's wrong with red?
The Woman
Who would ever want a red chair? Oh come on seriously darling. You can't imagine anyone would have a red chair. My stars! Why that would clash with absolutely everything. (She laughs again.) You're so funny.
The Man
(He laughs too.) You're right, of course. Hmm. But imagine that you had never seen a chair before in your life--how would you recognize it?
The Woman
How would I recognize it?
The Man
How would you recognize it?
The Woman
How would I recognize it? Let me think for a minute. I suppose. I suppose...somebody would have to show me what it was.
The Man
Somebody you trusted?
The Woman
Right.
The Man
If somebody you trusted showed you a chair and told you what it was--you'd have to believe him, right?
The Woman
I wouldn't have to. I suppose I'd be dumb not to though, wouldn't I?
The Man
I can't say "Dumb."
The Woman
No seriously, though. I would be silly, wouldn't I? I mean if you were to come up to me and say like this is a chair or that thing over there is a chair--really. Wouldn't I be silly not to believe you?
The Man
Maybe. Yeah, that would be silly! Um, how else could you know, I mean really know that it was a chair?
The Woman
How else would I know?
The Man
How else would you know?
The Woman
Are you still in the picture?
The Man
You're the painter. Paint me in.
The Woman
Cute...OK! If you showed me a chair, and then you went and sat in it, I'd have no other choice but to believe you.
The Man
You would have no other choice.
The Woman
Really.
The Man
Hmmm. And then you'd be able to sit.
The Woman
Oh God. Show me a chair. Really. You can't imagine how tired I am. Will I sit?...You wouldn't get me out of it for years, I'm telling you.
The Man
You'd sit?
The Woman
I'd sit and sit and sit and sit and sit...
The Man
You'd sit and sit.
The Woman
And sit and sit and sit...
The Man
And all I'd have to do to get you to sit is find a nice comfortable chair and sit in it and show you that it was a chair?
The Woman
God, if you could do that...You know I love you. Do you think you could?
The Man
(Crossing. Gently. No hint of triumph) Honey. This..is..a..(sits) ...whatever you want to call it, but you really can relax in it!! It's fantastic.
The Woman
(Screams) I hate you.
The Man
(Getting up. Surprised.) What? What is it?
The Woman
I hate you.
The Man
What is it? You said if I--
The Woman
It's wrong. It's red. It's not a chair. You led me on! You toyed with me. I'm tired and you took advantage of me! I thought you wanted to help me. I thought you were my friend. I hate you. I hate you. It's all your fault.
Crossing right, he takes her by the arm. She struggles, screaming. He holds her firmly by both shoulders.
The Man
Please. Just try it. Let me show you. It really is what you need.
The Woman
No way! Stop it! I don't want to! I don't want your stupid beliefs. Stop it! Let me go! Just let me go! I hate you.
The woman struggles, but gradually gets weaker and weaker as fatigue finally does its part. She collapses into the man's arms. He lifts her. Gently he holds her. He looks in her eyes with deep concern. He looks around for a place to put her, and sees the chair. Slowly, reverently, he carries her there. Gently he places her in the chair. He sees that she is comfortable, resting.
The Man
There honey, now you can rest. (Shaking his head.) When you wake up, this will be like a bad dream.
He leans over gently, and, brushing her hair aside, gently kisses her on the forehead. The man turns and exits right. The woman relaxes. She sleeps deeply as the lights fade. When everything is black, as the applause begins to swell, the woman screams and screams until the audience stops the applause. In the dark
The Woman
No! No! No! He did it. He tricked me! I hate him. What is this thing? Let me out!! I hate him. It can't be. I don't want it to be! What is this? Let me out! It can't be. I don't want it! I don't want it! I don't want it! Nooo!!! I don't WANT IT!!
As she screams, in the blackout, she crawls out of the chair and exits right, screaming until her voice has faded in the distance. The lights fade slowly up on an empty stage, with only a chair to tell the story. There is no curtain call.
Visitors since August 2000:
©1990 Peter L. Mehegan. Please do not copy or use this work without contacting me at tbeachhead@netzero.net
Read Pastor Pete's blog at the River's edge