Claire still remembered as clearly as if it was yesterday but it wasn't it was just over two months ago.

 

"There so now you know" Claire sobbed

John wasn't crying but Claire could see the anger and the pain in his eyes.

"I'm sorry, I ... didn't ... want you to hate me"

John got up and walked out of the room

"Where are you going? John please say something" Claire begged him tears streaming down her face.

John didn't look back as he slammed he front door after him and ran down the street, he didn't know

Where he was going.

Back inside the house Claire was curled up in the chair crying like there was no tomorrow.

Claire had been the first one in the office the next day having stayed up all night waiting for John to come back.

She was sat at her desk that morning when John walked in ...late.

Claire could see just by looking at John that he had been crying, his eyes were puffy and red, his face was

blotchy. She instantly wondered where he had spent the night for he sure as hell hadn’t been back to his flat.

During the day Claire watched John converse with Don several times but he wouldn't make eye contact with her.

Every time she tried to speak to him he ignored her or brushed past her.

Eventually Claire gave up and got on with her work. She worked steadily all through her lunch hour so she could leave early

That night as she sat alone, she began composing a letter to John:

 

'Dear John,

I don't know why you ran out or why you won't talk to me but I felt I had to be honest with you; after all we have been together for well over six months. I didn't tell you sooner because I knew you're best friends with Don and I didn't want him finding out, but now I guess I have no choice.

Where did you go last night after you left mine? I know you didn't go to your flat I waited for you. This morning you looked awful I know you've been crying, you can't deny it and I think the rest of the office noticed too. I told you because I know you already think I'm cheating on you, I could never do that to you I love you too much to hurt you. But know you hate me and for that I'm deeply sorry.

You needed to know the 'real' me and why I've been sneaking around, that night you followed me and saw me talking to that man in the alley that was my CIB Boss, not some married guy I'd been having an affair with. I swore to myself that when you walked out that door I didn't care but darling I lost everything then and there.

Words are like weapons they wound sometimes, I didn't really mean to hurt you, I didn't wanna see you go I know I made you cry but baby if I could turn back time, if I could find a way, I'd take back those words that’ll hurt you and you'd stay.

I owe you everything John all my happiness, please don't shatter my world.

I love you with all my heart.

 

Yours forever

Claire

xx’

 

I put the letter in an envelope and sealed it, I wrote John's name on it and set off for his flat. I reached his flat and had second thoughts, should I stick it through his letterbox or not?

In the end I just decided to do it, so I did. I put the letter through his letterbox and hurried home. Claire thought about John and Don, she wondered whether John had told him, she figured she'd find out at work tomorrow and decided to stop pondering on it. Settling down on the sofa she flicked the television on and it landed on a romantic film.

Claire watched it for about half an hour before bursting into tears, as the film got slushy.

 

*Over at John's flat*

 

John had seen Claire enter the block of flats and had guessed she was coming up here. Going through to the hall he picked up the envelope ripping it open he stood and read the letter

"It doesn't change anything Claire, you still lied to me,” He said out loud

"But I'm not who I say I am either, you just don't know it yet" John said as an afterthought

Walking through to the lounge his hand hovered over the telephone, but he decided against it, he would make her sweat and beg a bit more. He still hadn't decided whether or not to tell Don and the rest of the office who she really was.

 

 *Back at Claire's*

 

Claire wondered if John had read her letter yet, she knew he was at home she could hear the television in the lounge.

She sighed, and turned off the television, no use watching a film that was making her cry, she went to bed instead.

In the bedroom, Claire was getting changed, when a thought hit her: 'What if John had told Don who she really was?' This could mean not only the end of her career but possibly the end of her life too. She knew Don had a lot of dangerous friends and acquaintances, especially one Pedro Escaroda. Claire remembered one colleague she used to work with, Christie Martendale who had lost her life when the guy she was tracing found out who she was and had her murdered. She desperately prayed that this wasn't going to happen, she didn't want to die just yet.

 

Claire had her life mapped out in front of her: once she had nailed Beech, she was quitting CIB and applying to join SunHill permanently, by the time she was 35 she wanted to have her own house with a garden, two kids and a dog called Rover all with John if possible.

She finished getting ready for bed and clambered in. five minutes later she was crying again

The bed seemed so empty just this time yesterday her and John were lying entwined in each other’s arms

Claire cried and cried and cried, eventually she cried her self to sleep only it wasn't a peaceful slumber instead she was being chased by dragons all looking like John

About four hours later she awoke again covered in sweat, rolling over she looked at her alarm clock, it read 5.30.

Sighing she got up no point trying to go back to bed, she only had half an hour until she had to get up anyway. Getting in the shower she thought about headed over to the park, she knew John would be taking his morning run and she wanted to talk to him, find out if he had read her letter

 

She rummaged in her drawer for her tracksuit bottoms and put them on. She hung about downstairs until 6am when she knew John would be heading out for his run. At 5 past 6 Claire left the house and jogged down the road in the general direction of Canley Fields.

 

 

 

Read on to part 2