| Advice on Love by Madam Roach |
| Dear Madam Roach, I don't know what to do. My fiancee is threatening to call off the wedding unless I lose weight (I'm 5'4" and weigh 250 pounds). I've tried every diet known to man and just can't seem to lose more than 5 pounds. I love my man and don't know what to do. Please help! Desperate in Milwakee Dear Fat Broad, Screw him. 250 pounds is far from being overweight. I long for the days when I was a svelt 250. My advice is to dump him before he dumps you. You don't need someone as shallow as him. I'm sure a looker like you can get any man you want. Dear Madam Roach, I have three children with my girlfriend/cousin. I was scared and didn't know what to do so I skipped town. But now I feel bad. I hear she's been trying to find me and even went to court to get me to pay child support, but I can't afford to pay for one child let alone three. It's hard enough living from paycheck to paycheck from the factory and I barely have enough money to put beer on the table. What should I do? Confused in Alabama Dear Handsome, You sound like my kind of guy. What's your favorite beer? I'm kinda partial to Schlitz. Nothing like a good malt liquor to start your day. Sounds like we have a lot in common. As for the girl you knocked up three times? Screw her. She knew what she was getting into when she spread em' for you. Don't worry about child support either. The government's got plenty of money to go around. If she needs money let her apply for welfare just like everyone else. My advice is to stay put and let her work it out for herself. P.S. Call me! Dear Madam Roach, I'm a 17 year old high school student and in love with the captain of the football team. He's so cute that my heart flutters every time I see him but he doesn't even know my name, even though I tutor him three times a week in math. When we pass each other in the hall he acts like he doesn't know me. I'm afraid he'll never look upon me with the same loving eyes on which I gaze upon him. What can I do? Lovesick in Peoria Dear Loser, Or should I call you "Four Eyes"? Get real. No one likes a "brainy chick" and there's no way you're ever going to get someone who's handsome and popular to like you. But if you still feel the need to continue with the charade you might try tight jeans and low cut shirts with lots of cleavage, that's the only way to get his attention. If you want to get your man and keep him you've got to put out. That's how I snagged my first three husbands. If that doesn't work my advice is to try casting a voodoo spell. It's a desperate move but I don't think a geek like you has any other choice. Dear Madam Roach, I'm 86 years old and in love! I met my girlfriend in the nursing home (she's 82) and we plan on getting married soon. I don't want to brag but since I started taking the Viagra the loving has never been better! In Love in Austin Dear Old Fart, Don't be fooled by that pretty little 82 year old piece of tail. She's only after your pension. Take it from me, my own grandmother was a nursing home slut. She'd wiggle her cute, sagging butt at anything using a walker. My advice? Shuffle as fast as you can to the nearest attorney and get yourself a pre-nuptual agreement. Got it, Gramps? Dear Madam Roach, I caught my cousin, Tequila, making a move on my man while we was out at a club. She was rubbing her big booty all over him and I was like, "Oh no you didn't," and she was like "Oh yes I did." And then she started getting all up in my face and shit and I was like, "Don't be gettin' in my face, bitch," and she was like, "Don't be tellin' me what to do, ho," so I pulled that ugly ass weave right off her nappy head. Do you think I should marry my boyfriend after what he did? Miss Thang in Memphis Dear Girlfriend, You're boyfriend sounds like a real loser. How dare he stand there and let another woman back her ass up on him like that. You know what I always say: Send him back to the dog pound because he sounds like a real hound. But if he's got the bling-bling you better get a ring-ring. Oh snap, I know how to rap! |