Where Do I Begin?
By Coral
Disclaimer: I'm surprised
I'm still talking to TPTB after "Endgame".
Dedication: For Mart, because you unwittingly
introduced me to this song, and for Jade
and Bec.
Endgame spoilers, kinda. This is only loosed based, and I haven't seen it yet, after all.
Admiral Kathryn Janeway looked up from her
computer screen with a heavy sigh. The day was bright, and
sunlight streamed through the windows of her office in Starfleet
Command, showing up the dancing dust particles in their rivers of
light. The sunlight bathed Golden Gate Bridge in its warm light,
and reflected off the windows of the buildings opposite. Kathryn
Janeway couldn't help but think back to that day ten years ago,
when Voyager had swept low over that bridge... she remembered
nearly laughing with delight as Tom nearly scraped Voyager's
underbelly on the highest point. He'd turned and looked at her
and winked jauntily.
It wasn't until later that she realised he was enjoying what he
believed might be his last ever chance to pilot Voyager - or
indeed, if Starfleet didn't show him leniancy, his last chance
ever to pilot a starship - and she had simply thought his antics
to be merely caused by the high spirits nearly everyone else was
feeling. She remembered being in such a good mood that she had
turned around and hugged Chakotay then and there, on the bridge
in front of the senior staff. And whilst he was dating Seven, no
less...
She shuddered at the memory, and turned away from the window and
back to her computer screen, wondering where to start.
She wondered briefly if this was what writing a suicide note was
like. How could she get all her thoughts, feelings, regrets and
wishes into one brief transmission before existance as she knew
it ceased?
She sighed and shifted uncomfortably in her seat. She'd been
thinking about this and planning it for some time; nearly 8 years
now. Now that it had come to the last thing before her plan was
set in motion, she found herself hesitant. She knew she had to do
this, had to go through with it - but how could she explain it in
mere words? Words weren't enough to convey the depth of her
feelings and devotion.
Where could she begin?
"Chakotay, I love you"? Not enough, never enough... too
little, too late... 'love' was too weak a word to describe the
way she felt about him. She'd give her life for him to be happy.
Which was basically what she was doing...
She tried turning her wandering attention back to her uncomposed
message. How to find the words? Pushing herself out of the chair,
she wandered over to the window, seeking inspiration. Leaning on
the windowsill, she tilted her head onto her shoulder and stared
out over the bay. The people below seemed so small, and so
insignificant, and she was holding their future in her hands.
They scurried below her like ants, and she felt like the little
boy about to come along with a magnifying glass and stick...
disturbing them, killing them, destroying them.
And she would do that, for him.
There were no words for that.
Nothing she could say would ever explain it to him.
So, where to start in explaining the unexplainable?
She turned back to the computer with a heavy sigh. There was so
much she wanted to say, but the words wouldn't come. Chakotay
meant more to her than life itself, but how could she say that to
him when she had just changed history to allow him and Seven to
have a long, happy life together?
How could she ruin it by sending him a message explaining that he
was her everything? How could she tell him about the way that he
had brought meaning into her life ever since she had first met
him, when she was asking him to turn to another woman for the
comfort and love she wanted? How could she tell him that he
filled her soul and gave her existance meaning, when she was
asking him to turn away from her from his own sake?
Wherever she went, he had been there, at her side. He'd always
been a step behind her, offering his silent, omnipresent support.
She'd always relied on it and taken it for granted. How could she
finally thank him for it - then tell him not to offer it anymore?
How could she begin to say what she always meant to say?
The Admiral looked down at her hands. Suddenly, they seemed too
small and too fragile to be handling this. For one brief moment,
Kathyn Janeway - the same Kathryn Janeway who had fought the
Borg, and won; the same Kathryn Janeway who had brought her crew
safely home from the Delta Quadrant - felt like giving up on the
idea entirely and settling down for a long and peaceful life,
even if it was the one she was currently living.
The fragile hand trembled slightly as it pulled open the
compartment under the desk. Barely aware of what she was doing,
she dug deep under piles of PADD's, papers and other miscellania,
to pull out an old fashioned photo frame. Her fingers tightened
around the metallic frame as she stared at the reason she was
doing this.
Two smiling faces looked up at her; a beautiful blonde and a dark
handsome man. They had their arms around one another and their
faces were bathed in glorious sunlight. The expressions on those
faces were those of two people who had managed to find heaven in
one another.
A tear splashed onto the frame, and the Admiral quickly wiped it
of with her thumb. Her thoughts, her feelings and her dreams were
irrelevant. If she could give Chakotay this peace once more, she
would find her peace.
She turned back to the computer one final time, finally
understanding where to start. She couldn't; she simply couldn't.
He would only find that happiness with Seven, so with Seven he
must be. Any hint of hope between Chakotay and herself would be
detrimental to her goal.
With slightly more force than was necessary, she shoved the
picture back into the drawer. Finishing her cold tea in one gulp,
she shut down the computer terminal hurriedly. Heading towards
the door, she only paused to look back once, at the recording
chip she had been intending to take and give to Chakotay.
How could she begin to describe all he meant to her?
She couldn't.
=/\=End=/\=