Neelix's Personal Log, Stardate 48947.2.

I lied to Kes today.  I - I couldn't help it.  I was being a coward again.  I couldn't stand there and admit how jealous I was to her.
I told her that she'd seen the last of my jealousy.
If only that were true.
The feelings have been been building up inside me for weeks now, festering away like an undampened fire.  Occasionally something will happen that adds fuel to it, and it all flares up.  I know, one day, it may flare beyond my control.
Seeing her with Paris is the the worst.  My gut twists, my insides clench up and I have to escape somewhere.  Normally to the holodeck for a fight, or to my quarters to cry or sulk - sometimes jumping out of an airlock seems like a good idea.
Not the best way to act, but I can't think straight when faced with the prospect of losing Kes, especially to Paris.
I can't even be in the same room as him now without feeling the urge to lash out and hurt him somehow.  I want him to leave Kes for me and never talk to her again, but I can't do that.  I have no right to dictate their personal lives, and Kes would hate me for it; maybe even leave me.  I can't face the thought of that happening.
Commander Chakotay said today that jealousy is about the fear of losing someone we love, but that what we gain when we love someone is greater than we what we risk.  I just wish I could make myself believe that.  All I can feel is this hatred of Paris, this intense jealousy.
The worst part is that I used to have a feeling deep inside of me, a calming voice that reminded me that Kes would always love me more than anyone else.   Now the voice casts my shortcomings up at me, making endless comparisons and telling me that if I feel this way, maybe I am no longer worthy of Kes.
Maybe she'd be happier with Paris.  After all, her smile seems happier and her eyes brighter after she spends times with him.  And I know he loves her - everyone loves Kes.  Maybe I'm just a fool, clinging to our former relationship like a sinking life raft, deluding myself into believing I can salvage what we had before.
How selfish.  Kes deserves happiness above all else.  If I can't give that to her anymore, I should cut our last fraying ties and let her be with Paris.  My jealousy and shattered dreams shouldn't keep Kes a prisoner.
But I can't tell her this.  I can't even yell at Paris and tell him this, and I have no one else to turn to.
Maybe if I just ignore it, the whole problem will go away.

Computer... Delete log.

Neelix's Personal Log, Stardate 48947.2.

Today started well.  After a flying start to Kes' birthday party, though, a spatial distortion....