LETTING GO

 by Liway

The writer has a colum in a campus  newspaper--the Cordillera Bulletin. This letter is part fiction and part non-fiction.

Everdearest,

   "You are invited."

   These three words embossed on the cover of your wedding invitation leapt at me in silent mockery of my tears, while each letter sent shooting shafts of pain through my guts. The pain, like a blow to the solar plexus, sent me doubling over, and I was left breathless in a raging wave of frustation and loss. I sent the torn pieces of your invitation card sailing out the window, and as I did, I happened to glance at the last vestiges of the sunset. The memories came flooding back, once again, to haunt my already broken spirit.

    It all started with a sunset. I was sitting alone atop a sandbar, watching the sun sink over the edge of Laguna Lake when you came and sat down beside me. I was annoyed by your intrusion, but you just sat quietly until I forgot that you were there. In silence, we watched the sun make a grand finale before kissing the waters goodbye, swallowed up by the waves across the horizon.

   We sat there in comfortable silence until the stars came out to grace the evening sky with a myriad of lights. When I bid goodnight, I didn't even know your name. I was surprised though that I left feeling as if I had the best conversation for years.

   I saw you again the following morning. You were laughing ass you watched the children frolic like little mermaids in the foam. We finally got to introduce ourselves, and fate has forever entwined the course of our lives. I couldn't understand what drew you to me. I was rather plain looking, not really smart, and reeling from an excess baggage of a broken heart to boot. You on the other hand, was what ideal men are made of. You can have the pick of the most gorgeous girls, but fate picked you to come into my life at a time when I was most vulnerable.

   You were there when I desperately needed somebody to lean on. With you, I learned to laugh again when all I wanted to do was cry. You took me dancing when I couldn't take a step. You rubbed my back when I got sick trying to drown all my pain in tequila. You held my hand, and my whole being loved you, although a part of me was screaming in protest. I was afraid of falling in love and getting hurt again in the process, but my heart took a mind of it's own.

   I was like a fly caught in a spider's web, unable to break free. I tried, but the more I struggled, the more I got entangled, until your kisses hushed my fears and doubts. Gently, you wove silken strands of false security around me, and I laid there, a slave once again to my emotions.

  I no longer wanted to leave your web even when I found out that I was just a temporary replacement, somebody to fill the physical void left by your girlfriend abroad. I was too blinded by love to confront reality. Knowing I could never come between eight years of loving, i still secretly hoped that you'd one day learn to love me a little, and come to appreciate me as a person. I wonder what it is in love that consumes the reason of even the most intelligent person, prompting us to believe in fairy tales.

   I would have gone on believing if you haven't rudely broken the strands that bound me to you. I have served my purpose, and you dropped me like a hot potato teh moment she came back. That was it no lingering goodbyes. You just left my world to collapse on me, more helpless than ever when you first found me on that deserted beach.

   If it wasn't to soon, maybe would have the strength to watch you pledge your life to her, but it's barely two months since you left and the pain is still raw. I'd rather choose to be off to the mountains to try and find solace among the pine trees of my childhood, but even here, there's no running away from your memory. As I watched the dying sun bid the world farewell in a colorful fusion of lights and hues, I am reminded of the times that I've wanted to share a mountain sunset with you, particularly one from my hometown. In my mind I've watched us on my favorite vantage point while shades of pink and blue and purple swirl across the evening sky in a sweeping, majestic finale before the sun succumbed to the night.

  As the night covered the night in cloak of darkness, I wonder if it would ever cross your mind that we planned to summit Mt. Pulag this summer. We'll sleep under a blanket of stars, then wake up at the crack of dawn to watch her spread her saffron robe over the sleepy earth. Then we'll go down the beach and ride the waves. Would you even remember that you promised to teach me how to surf? Will my memory cross your mind once in a while?

  I miss you too much - the way we laughed at our own private jokes, the way we whispered or furtively cast knowing glances at each other, the comfortable silence we always shared, and all the crazy things we did. I know I'll never love again the way I loved you, with such as an intense passion and child-like abandon. I don't know what to believe in now that you're gone. For the moment, there's only pain, and loss, and sorrow, and you've left a part of me vulnerable forever.

  Now as the sun slowly peeked out of the eastern sky, a silver of hope crept into my befuddled mind, cutting through the haze of cigarette smoke hanging heavily in the air. It was fate that brought you to me, but love didn't choose you to stay. You've taught me all there is to know about loving, but there's one thing I have to learn on my own that letting go is a part of loving.

  The angelus pealed from the distance, breaking teh morning silence. Two hours from now, you'll be walking the flower-strewn aisle of the Baguio Cathedral to be joined to her for life. I whisper a silent blessing to the winds to caress your face when you come out of the cathedral's door. May time be kind enough to heal the wound that you have caused in my heart.

  Love after all, has its own time, its own seasons,and its own reasons for coming and going. Even love, unreturned, has its own rainbows.

I remain,

Your Beloved