Goodbye Geronimo

"It hurts to let go of somebody you love most, yet he must go" -- the writer

 Geronimo,

  I should have scribbled days ago but hesitations made me qualm. You know the purpose of this. Finally, saying it's over!

  To you it has little impact -- you might laugh, mock and say: "they come...they go...

  You saw, you entered, you settled and helped me learn the greatest lesson I should have realized before. Life has been so beautiful with you for I was taken back to the times I love best -- wishing on the stars, praying for the wind, discussing morbid thoughts and sharing weird facts -- all of which will be treasured. Life has been so beautiful that it made me tipsy, that I'd seem to be forgetting reality...what more if we'll get sober? Again, all is beautiful except reality -- I hate it...

  You have read me countless at times and you knew me deep inside. I just hope this "knowing me" will be a private thing and not for public consumption.

  For today, let's keep the friendship together, the friendly treatment and the foolishness.

  Let me enumerate the things you possess that I loved --

   the eyes -- they're not lying indeed. They just know how to act and for many times I was confused and misled with the stares.

   the "warm air/breath" -- it makes my hair stand on its roots!

   the caress -- that sometimes, it can't be barricaded. I want it, especially when done to my hand.

   the height -- it makes me dwarf.

   the teeth -- it makes you cute.

   the navel -- a coin fits in it.

   the wit -- it misleads people who are ignorant and dumb.

   the lips -- soft, pink, warm and passionate.

   the voice -- the high pitched voice that sings my favorite songs

   Geronimo -- the man who made me know what love is.

   Yes, my greatest fear arrived. Not that you are saying goodbye, but once again, instincts proved to be true. I have been reaching out, yet space answered me. I'd been praying for the wind deep in my soul to cheer me up, yet the wind is still on the Pacific -- caught in a terrible storm -- this, I understand.

  The twinkling stars have to be concealed as the wind is confused -- very confused -- either it was confused, dismayed, or has simply turned vulnerable. Yet, it was somehow believed that the sparkles will be shown, only if both elements were given enopugh time to talk, to reach out and understand.

  How it hurts sometimes to deprive you of the most beautiful thing.

  I was about to tell you, to confide, to hold you in my heart that you are wrong when you felt you're not needed, for you don't know for sure how important the wind(you) was.

  You were always with the star, to the extent of her thinking how will be life if care was not rendered to such an element.

  I'm hurt.

  Pain was somehow intensified upon learning of the notion of substitution. It never occured. It was you -- only you, not a second in rank, not whosoever, but only you -- that I love.

  True, I was vulnerable, but my feelings are pure, whole just love. I, too, am struggling. Those #1 and #2 may prove this conviction...Tears just flow -- meaningless tears, but for sure, it's for loneliness. If only I have the right to object, I refuse, to hesitate, I would gladly, at the top of my voice, shout NO!!! But I stay defeated, wounded and to be left because I was the same the very first time.

  I never wished for such day to come, because I refuse. I just live day to day and that's enough for me.

  I shudder as the pain penetrates into my inner self. I refuse to answer, just too numb, too hurt, too defeated, just wanna cry.

  I don't wanna thank you, not now, maybe later, when I gather my courage and when the stars finally die...

Always,

DEAD STAR