| Celebrity Boxing aka Celebrity Deathmatch aka Teddy Knocking Out Celebrities aka Celebrity Knockout aka Celebrities I wanna knock out aka actors i wanna knock out, celebrities i would destroy in ultimate fighting, Disclaimer: These are just predictions, anything can happen in boxing, I could get knocked out by anyone of these guys. Just remember: Every dog has its day. |
| For about 15 years I've had the idea of "Celebrity Boxing". Now FOX and Rupert "El Diablo" Murdoch have stolen my idea. My twist is that the general public would get to fight whatever celebrity they chose, provided they are of similar skill and/or build. Some of you will interpret this page as me being a misanthropic anti-hip negatoid, but I'm just putting on my war face so I can hand out some biblical justice to all celebrity infidels. They would have to sign waivers so no one could sue anyone involved. I have decided on three round bouts, no headgear and gloves optional. There are a lot of "celebrities" I would love to knock out, so I've attached their names and possible fight outcomes below. I have broken down the list into three groups: Group A is a list compiled of celebrities I generally dislike and/or detest. Group A would be my favorite fights to engage in. Group B is comprised of celebrities I am ambivalent about. I don't really dislike them, but I don't like them either. Group C would comprise of celebrities I like and respect. I would still like to fight them just to tell my grandkids I knocked out Al Pacino. I would just like to add that if you are a celebrity mentioned on this page and would be interested in fighting Teddy Pain please send an email to teddypain@inflictorofpunishment.org |
Teddy Pain vs. Mel Gibson (Prediction: Teddy KO's Mel in Round 1) KO1 I hate this little punk. I say little because he's 5'6". Thinks he's big and tough but has to stand on phone books so he can look in the leading ladies eyes. He's a f*ckin' punk and I hate him. This would be the fight I would want the most. I would get biblical on him. Thinks he's a good director but makes crap like Braveheart and The Patriot. My favorite part of The Patriot is when Col. Tavington wastes his kids one-by-one. That movie is a complete lump of sh*t. No British soldiers ever burned down any churches and the character Melanie Gibson portrays was a mass murderer. Don't believe me? Look it up. In any case, I'd dot his eyes and hit him so hard he'd think it was raining hammers. Teddy Pain vs. Keanu Reeves (The fight goes the distance, I win a decision) W3 I suppose I don't really hate him but he's annoying as f*ck. The movie The Matrix was crap. His acting style consists of inane Bill & Ted-like comments. I don't like it when he says "cool" and "dude". I would enjoy playing his ribs like a xylophone. I really don't think he could hurt me but he may be in decent shape. I think a decision is deserved. Teddy Pain vs. Leonardo DiCaprio (I knockout Leonardo five secs. into Round 2) KO2 I do not care for these candy ass actors. He is the epitome of everything that is annoying and tasteless in Hollywood. He has a bad attitude and expects directors to deal with his flaky acting techniques that some confuse for talent. He may be good-looking but not after I turn his ears into cauliflower. Wow Leo, you were really good in Titanic and that hit The Beach! You fool. I'm gonna punish you for making producers pay for your friends plane tickets. I won't knock you out in the first round because I want you to earn some punishment. Teddy Pain vs. Axl Rose KO1 Washed-up, has been. I'd hit him harder than a speed ball. Teddy Pain vs. Russell Crowe W3 I used to think he was okay and I did like Gladiator, but now I feel like he's gotten too big for his boots and needs to be knocked down to size. That said, he's probably in better shape than me, but I'm younger and I'm the closest thing to a human pitbull. He won an oscar for Gladiator? Denzel should've won it. Now Russell gives Princeton students the bird when they ask for his autograph. He is a pretentious jerk who needs a beating. I could win a decision off him. Teddy Pain vs. Chris Rock KO3 Skinny little punk. I met him when he was filming a 1-800-collect commercial in DC. He was surrounded by an entourage of yes men. Everyone laughed at his jokes and comments but they weren't sincere laughs. He tried to make me laugh by telling me about an episode of the Flintstones. I didn't laugh, I just gave him a mute stare. It was good to make him feel like he's not funny. Teddy Pain vs. Deion Sanders W3 Annoying is the best word to sum him up. Better shape but he doesn't have the heart of a lion like I do. Anyone see him host the Miss America awards? He's illiterate. The one person who signed my guestbook doubts I could take Deion...maybe he's right, but I would die trying. Teddy Pain vs. Lars Ulrich KO3 (So I could give him extra rounds of punishment) Lars is the drummer from Metallica. I like their old albums but boy have they sold out now. Lars is against the mp3 community. He likes to charge money for his songs. Metallica are now suing their fans, how cool of them. F Metallica. Sell out posers. They have become everything they said they wouldn't. Lars tries to tell the public that "it's not about money, but the artists rights" That would be bullsh*t. Lars and Metallica are a sell out band who have no respect for their fans and audiences. They are the lowest form of life. F*ck you Metallica. I would do this bout bareknuckle. I would pop open both his eyebrows and spend the night picking his teeth outta my knuckles. Teddy Pain vs. Joe Theisman (KO2) More annoying than Deion because he's a washed-up quarterback knowitall. Glad ESPN banished him to the Sunday Night game. Glad LT turned his knee into rice krispies. Teddy Pain vs. Adam Sandler (TKO2) Annoying. Glad his career is over. Anyone see Little Nicky? I haven't but I can't imagine anyone else has either. His comedies got progressively less and less amusing. Fatty McGee is funny though. Anyway, the turkey song and his baby talking gets on my nerves, so I'll kayo him in Round 2. Teddy Pain vs. Bono KO1 Pretentious Irish vocalist. He thinks he can influence American politics and tell Americans what to think! F*ck off Bono. You wish you were a good looking singer but instead you look like a billy goat wearing raybans. U2 are finished. Bono is getting knocked out. |