Ted’s Column week # 1

As I was saying... (say, that would’ve been a good title for the column. “Ted’s Column” is so plain. I thought about “Mallory’s Mind,” but I decided that was to pretentious.)

As I was saying... sex, politics, and religion are difficult to talk about without offending people, but I think they’re the most important things to write about. Last month, one of my students wrote an editorial for our school newspaper. His opinion was that student’s should think twice before becoming too sexually active as teens. He cited an article in Newsweek that noted that sexually transmitted diseases are a huge risk, even if you don’t “score,” but are only getting to “third base.” The student author, without making any religious or moral judgment, shared his opinion that sex should NOT be considered just another leisure activity.

You would not BELIEVE how many students were outraged that we’d print such a thing. One even threatened to drag me before the school board unless I told her the name of the student who wrote it.

She said to me “Well, how would you feel about it if someone wrote something against God or something?”

I was thinking to myself, “so sex is YOUR god?” What I said was something more along the lines of...

“There are more than 6.5 Billion people on the planet right now, I doubt that more than a third of those are Christian, so what? So no one should publish anything if SOMEONE somewhere might be offended by it?”

What followed was an invigorating discussion about the first amendment. That’s an opportunity I hadn’t had since I taught U.S. History, so I relished it.

My point is, I hope I haven’t offended too many of you with my column, and I hope I don’t in the weeks to come. Chances are, I already have and I probably will. Please write in and tell us. Challenge my thinking, express yourself. This is YOUR community newspaper, you ought to participate in it. I know Mike Lyon, our publisher will enjoy it if you do. We love to print letters to the editor.

As I was saying... or was just about to say last week. Ellie wasn’t sure what to make of the holidays. It seemed like the celebrating would never end. But why don’t I let her tell it:

Holiday Hullabaloo By Ellen Mallory

First of all, what’s the deal with my big people dressing me up in a bee suit so that I can hardly move and hauling me around from neighbor to neighbor so my big sister, Gracie could collect candy? The whole thing bored me, I fell asleep after the second neighbor.

Thanxgetting was fun. I grew two more teeth and learned how to crawl down stairs. All the big people did was eat and sleep and watch other people play games on TV. I don’t know what they were all eating. I ate cat food. Mommy and Aunt Brenda didn’t want me to eat cat food. I don’t know what the big deal was. I saw kitty eat lots of big people food.

Then my Greatest-Pappa Adolph’s turned something called “eighty.” He didn’t look like he turned anything. I got to dance with my because-ins in the doorway of a rest n’ rant.

Then we all stood in line for a long time to see this scary old man called Sanity Claws. He already knew my name even though I’d never had met him afore. And he was all dressed in red and wanted to put me on his lap. Excuse me? I don’t think so. Daddy laughed and said I must be Claus-traphobic. I still don’t get it.

Pretty soon my big people said it was my turn to turn something. They said I turned something called “won.” I must have won because all of my because-ins brought me prizes. I liked the ribbons and bows, but I wasn’t very interested in unwrapping them.

So then my big people put this big huge colorful thing in front of me. “Now what?” I thought. Eventually I figured out you could eat it AND paint with it too. That was great. My big people took lots of pictures of me eating my big colorful thing. That was after all my because-ins sang at me. Plus I got a big ball that floats up to the ceiling. It stayed by the ceiling for a long time.

After my Gracie and my because-ins and me played with a baby sitter. I didn’t see her sit on any babies, she just played with us. I guess my Grammy and Pappa have a really old wedding or something because they had a partly to celebrate their four teeth Annie first story.

Daddy said it was neat because somebody said, “Well, I guess we’ve run around together and our folks ran around together and their folks ran around together for near a hundred years.” Daddy said that’s one of the things that’s so neat about this town.

Anyway everybody there must have turned won because Grammy gave them all a prize. The flu, only first she got it first. I got it too and that wasn’t any fun. Mommy and Daddy thought I was getting more teeth onna count of how my bottom turned red. I got to drink this stuff called Petey-light instead of formula. It was purple.

Uncle Mark says its funny how our famlee always gets flu on Christmas time.

Before that though my because-in Nolan turned something too. Something called five. He got cool prizes like toy tractors. I like to play with his green tractors. I make them say Shhhhpppzzzzzzzfg. Our Greatest Grandma Cuddles thinks everybody at a party should get prizes. Daddy thought only Nolan should have gots prizes at Nolans party. Daddy says its no use cause you can’t tell an old German anyting.

Then Mommy and Daddy stopped going away in the morning. I liked that. One day we all went to Grammy and Pappa’s farm and all our because-ins were there too. Everybody got lots and lots of prizes and ate lots and lots too.

Then HE came. That Sanity Claws again. He came to my Grammy and Pappa’s farm! How did he know where they live? He’s scary.

He gave people prizes and they laughed and Pappa wanted me to go see Sanity Claws again. I struggled as much as I could to get away. I arched my back to try to break free. Now Pappa likes to call me “Archie” since I arched my back.

One of the best things about Christmas is that they grow a whole tree right in your house. Overnight. You wake up one morning and there it is. I like to pick the shiny fruit off of our inside tree. But you can’t eat it. In fact Mommy and Daddy take it away from you every time and put it back on the tree only higher so you can’t reach it.

I think I heard Daddy singing about it, “The first Noel-en, No!.”

Only I fixed them. One day when daddy was reading and Gracie was playing with one of her prizes, I grabbed onto a branch and pulled the inside tree down so I could reach the shiny fruit on top. Most of them broke. Daddy made me sit in a big chair while he picked up all the broken shiny fruit. He said something about a “time-out.”

Anyway, I know I didn’t hurt it too bad, because When I woke up the next morning, it had grown lots and lots of prizes under it! But a day later it was gone.

My Grandma Mallory says when Uncle Bart was my age he beat their inside-tree up with a broom because he was so scared of it. I heard Gracie say that the prizes under the tree came from Sanity Claws, so I think Uncle Bart was right to be so ascared. Anyway, we haven’t had a tree inside our house since the day after Christmas.

The End.