After Cleveland State's win over Wright State this past weekend, the costume of one of CSU's mascots, Helga, was stolen out of the car of the person who wears it, Lori Shakelton. Needless to say that many of the people involved with CSU athletics are shocked.
But not, it's time to get down to brass tacks and get to the bottom of this caper.
Enter Teed-Off Holmes, sleuth extrordonaire!
That's right. I feek I must get involved in the search for the missing Viking and return her to her family at CSU.
I began my probe by thinking up possible incriminating people. I ruled out a homeless person, because I think anyone walking down the street with a Helga costume would look pretty ridiculous.
I began to think that it may have been some disgruntled students from Wright State University in Dayton. I mean, it's possible that they could have been that annoyed that we beat their scrubby team that they could have taken it.
But then I realized this conjecture would be doubtful for two reasons. The first is the obvious fact that WSU students wouldn't take the time or the inclination to travel that far to take the costume. The second reason is that I really don't think any of them could pick a lock to save their lives!
As a result of my quest, I have devised several of my own suspect, These are people I figured had some sort of motive to take Helga.
I'm sure the proper authorities have their own listy of potential suspects, but I guarantee tht my list of criminal-wannabes is totally unique, and I am certain that nobody on my list is on anybody else's.
I started my own investigation over at Sports Information, in the heart of the Convocation Center. Mt prime target was Sports Info Student Assistant and Cauldron> wrestling buff Howard Primer.
I asked in a stern voice, "Where were you when Helga was stolen?"
Primer could not recall his whereabouts, making me immediately suspicious. But then I realized that it would be a conflict of interest for Howrd to work in the Athletic Department and to steal Helga, so I backed off of him as a suspect.
I then traced my steps to Sam McNulty, SGA's Speaker of the Senate. I was hoping that he was follwing the footsteps of other potentially-crooked Speakers, and he was the culprit.
When I asked him where he was, he stated simply, "Well, Bob, I was working at Panini's. In fact, I was serving you beers!"
I then realized that I was at Panini's all day, and he was serving beeer, so I apologized to him profusely and went on my way.
I then found my way back to the Cauldron office, where I discovered a plethora of shady individuals. I was able to question all of the potential suspects.
I started with Editor-in-Chief Lisala Peery. She replied, "Who's Helga?" I thought it was a trick to throw me off the trail. But her alibi stuck, and I moved on.
I then looked to Ad Assistant Josh Donald. He said that he was too busy dancing, and I believed him, since he's the best dancer on the staff.
Then, I ran into the shadiest people of the bunch: My sports writers! Who knows what they're capable of? So I interrogated them of their whereabouts.
Dan Gilles: "I was sleeping." For Gilles, this alibi was air-tight.
Ken Simonitis: "I have a cast on my arm. How am I supposed to do everything with one hand?" I notcied the cast and sent him on his way.
Greg Kozarik: "I was in Vegas the whole time." His story checked out, and it looked like the only thing he lost there was probably his mind.
After I went through my list of potential suspects, I determined that I think I should stick to being the Sports Editor, and leave the investigating to the real police.
Follow-up: Two days after the column was printed, Helga was found safe and sound at a gas station with an anonymnous note pinned onto it. All my suspects were free to go.