The Peach's Pit
by KC, Resident Perp
KC scuttled back and forth between the alley leading into the back of the
Jeweled Peach and a very small room in the kitchen. She chuckled evilly
to herself as she carried the black candles into the broom closet. As she
arranged them artistically in the room, she gazed admiringly and the
five-foot tall statue at the center of the cramped space. It was a sight
to behold.
The statue bore an uncanny resemblance to a certain addict who spends a
lot of time in the Holy Area of Nunkies (aka the corner). The stone
figure was dressed in a striking NA toga, complete with Nunkies Scout sash
with her many earned badges and her Nunkies Scout beret. The marble KC
was holding one harm in the air in triumph over the Forces of Decency. The
hand attatched to the arm was grasping a rhubarb. Her other hand held a
copy of the Ken Starr Report to ward off any evil Vaquera vibes. The face
was etched in an expression of determination and perversion. It was
truly a magnificent sight.
KC scrutinized her stone image for a few seconds. 'I always did love that
face,' she thought. She straightened the many images of herself scattered
around the shrine, such as macaroni portraits of herself, a velvet
painting of the Naughty Addict made to look like Elvis, and of course, a
romance novel-ish painting of the addict locked in a passionate embrace
with the Buzzcut Love Monkey. There wasn't a trace of narcissism to be
found.
She nodded with satisfaction at the now-completed place of worship, placed
a few bottles of Jolt at the base of the statue in offering, and lit the
candles with her trusty Snixco lighter.
She then spooked like a thoroughbred on speed when she heard voices coming
towards her.
"...so that's why Vaqueras don't wash.." Tracy Sue was explaining to Bons
as they headed into the kitchen for a nosh.
Bons nodded in understanding as she circled the table towards the giant
fridge. "But y'all can at least use deodorant. C'mon, Tracy Sue! Raise
your hand if you're Sure!" she cheered, pulling out some tiramisu from the
metal cooler.
Tracy Sue shook her head sadly as she pulled out two plates and forks from
the many, many cupboards of the kitchen. I swear, that place is nook
crazy. "But we're too slackerly to be confident, confident, dry and
secure!" she protested.
Bons cut them both generous slices of tiramisu and handed Tracy Sue hers.
"Well, y'all are going to have to do something. Maybe I can rustle up
some auto air fresheners from the Rat Pack."
Tracy Sue brightened. "Thanks!" she queaked in a most Vetter-like voice.
She then chowed down, wishing not for the first time that the Addicts were
more keen on grasshopper mint crepes. Nummy!
KC, listening to this conversation, quickly blew out the candles and
sliently debated coming out and acting like nothing was amiss. The debate
ended when KC accidentally let fly with a hiccup only rivaled by an AA
member in volume. The two tirasimu tasters turned their heads toward the
sound to see the recently bad addict edge out of the broom closet quietly
and grin sheepishly at the pair.
"Um..I need a mop, you see...I spilled some Jolt...but it's all clean
now!" KC explained nervously.
"So..you decided to play Gladys Kravitz?" Tracy Sue said accusingly.
"Where's my whiffle bat? I'll whip her like a rented mule! I'll beat her
like a redheaded stepchild! I'll...."
"Now, now, Tracy Sue...." Bons interjected palcatingly. "I'm sure KC has
a logical explanation for all this. Besides, remember one of Nunkies'
most important rules."
"Do it to the other guy before he does it to you, and be bad to the bone?"
KC guessed.
The other two women glared at her. "Not quite," Bonnie continued. "Make
sure your enemies appreciate your mercy. Then kill them."
"Quite right!" Tracy Sue crowed. "So how's about it, Butch? Why were you
skulking about? You know that ever since your little stunt, you're
not allowed to wander around the Peach unacommpanied!"
"But I've learned my lesson!" KC wailed. "I was even punished by
Nunkies! I'll never do it again!" the addict lied.
"Ha!" Bons interrupted. "I scoff at your pathetic attempts at pennance!
Scoff scoff!" Both women spent several minutes scoffing our poor heroine.
Meanies!
"But it's true!" KC continued wailing like a Russian ship. "I'm a
reformed villainess! I've seen the light and have ended my wicked ways!"
"We'll see about that, little missy." Tracy Sue said, dragging the addict
to the closet and flinging open the door. For a few minutes, neither
non-naughty woman could say anything, so taken aback with this holy place
were they. Finally, The Vaqmommy fixed KC with an accusing glare.
"So, this is your idea of ending your evil?" she asked skeptically.
KC scanned the scrap heap she called her brain and finally came up with an
excuse that would satisfy a Vaq. Not a hard job, all in all.
"But it does serve a beneficial purpose! You see, I've noticed that there
are those in our little group who truly appreciate the scale of my evil.."
"Your other personalities don't count as other addicts, little lady," Bons
taunted.
KC ignored this jibe and went on. "I thought that these inspired young
people needed a place to better hone their naughty skills, and who better
to learn it from than me?" KC finished, apparently proud of herself.
Bons and Tracy Sue gave each other a 'can you believe this?' look and
turned back to the Squirming Shrinekeeper.
"And how, exactly, does kneeling at a marble statue of you help them hone
their skills?" Bons said, raising an eyebrow.
"Um..I haven't exactly worked that out yet....but look!" KC added,
tipping the head of the statue back. "The Goddess gives real Pez to
her followers!" Out of the neck of the statue popped a large piece of Pez.
She gave each a piece, which met with some distaste.
"Tastes like real chalk," Bons said dubiously.
"Like I said, real Pez!" KC said triumphantly.
"Okay, I've heard enough!," Tracy Sue sighed, helping Bons drag the
struggling blonde into the Sacred Cold Pond . "It's grout duty for you,
Miss Pesky Pants!"
"NOOOOOOOOO!"
* * * * *
Five hours later, the two women looked in admiration at the new foyer hat
rack.
"You know, it may be funny looking, but it sure serves its purpose well.
It sure holds those coats good!" Tracy Sue said in satisfaction.
Bons laughed. "Yep, and those paintings will sure make a toasty fire in
the furnace!"
The object of their scrutiny was the statue that had formerly resided in
the Hallowed Broom Closet. Now, it had an undignified place in the foyer,
with various coats strewn over it. A hat was placed precariously over the
stone beret. Sad, really.
The two women turned and headed for the Pond for a dip, passing a very
disgruntled KC, who had a scouring brush tied to her fanny. The Evil
Addict was scooting about on her patootie, grumbling to herself and using
language that would make Nunkies blush. Among the foul words could be
heard,
"Just you wait, my little addicts...soon, I'll be back, and I'll have a
whole army of followers...and I....WILL RULE THE WORLD! MUAHAHAHAHA!
I wonder where my Octopus Sprinkler is...."
Fin
KC
snix@comp.uark.edu
(
geocities.com/televisioncity)