Heart's Desire

by: Cristina

Jax leans back against his seat on his corporate jet. He takes a deep breath and tries to concentrate on the work in front of him. But it doesn't work. His mind keeps drifting back to her. Brenda. Jax still can't understand where things went wrong. It had only been a month, but Jax didn't think that things would get any better with time.

Unable to stop himself, Jax allows his mind to wander back to the day that Miranda left town and pulled the rug out from under his life with a few sweeps of her pen. Early that day, Brenda had called and told Jax that she was coming back from the rehabilitation center. He had ordered a fresh batch of pink tulips and taken Brenda's birthday cake out of the freezer. Jax had been so involved in his preparations for Brenda's homecoming, that he didn't notice the note that Miranda had slipped under the door.

Not until later that afternoon. Jax noticed the letter adressed to him, and recognized Miranda's handwriting. Those few words on the page had changed his life forever.

Dear Jax,

I'm writing you this because I'm leaving town today. I couldn't leave without saying goodbye to you, Jax. I'm sorry for any pain that my return may have caused you. I know that you believe that you and Brenda are in love. And I can't bear to let you live a life of delusion. I recently found out some information that you should know. I realize that this will hurt you, but I think that you deserve the truth. While Sonny and Brenda were trapped in the cave, they made love. I'm so sorry to hurt you, Jax, but you deserve a woman who will dedicate herself to making you happy. That's not Brenda. I wish you well.

Miranda

Jax was consumed with a pain that he had never experienced before. It couldn't possibly be true. Not his beautiful, adorable Brenda. She would never betray him like that. Jax sat down on the couch, resting his head in his hands. Jax wasn't sure how much time passed with him just sitting there like that, but he knew it was a long time, because the next thing he was aware of was when Brenda walked in the door. And it was dark.

Brenda was smiling when she came in, but her smile faded when she saw that something was clearly very wrong with Jax. She left the lights off and slowly walked over to her husband. She sat down opposite him on the couch. "Jax? What's wrong, honey?"

Jax looked up at her and the wounded look in his eyes made her blood run cold. "Is it true, Brenda?"

"Is what true?"

He turned to face her and decided that he had to know, once and for all. "I need to know the truth. For a while, I thought that I could live without knowing exacetly what went on between you and Sonny in the cave. But I was wrong. I need to know the truth, Brenda."

All of the color drained from her face. "W...what do you mean? I told you what happened in the cave." Jax met her eyes and Brenda knew deep in her soul, that he already knew what went on between her and Sonny in the cave. "Who told you?"

Jax gasped, realizing that what Miranda told him is true. "That's not important. The only thing that matters is what happened...and that I didn't hear about it from you." Brenda tried to take his hand, but he pulled it away. "I want to hear you say it."

Brenda had tears rolling down her face. "I...I can't." Jax just looked at her, and she knew that he wasn't going to let this go. "Sonny told me that the next time we closed our eyes, we would die. And I really believed him."

Jax was fighting back his tears and trying to control his emotions. "So you thought, what? You may as well have sex one last time?"

Brenda was sobbing now. "I'm so sorry...I don't know what I was thinking. I don't know if it was the drug withdrawl or...I don't know."

"You still haven't said it. I want you to say the words."

Brenda choked back a sob and whispers, "We made love."

Jax turned away from her and burried his face in the sofa cushions. "Did you tell him that you loved him," Jax asked quietly.

Brenda reached out and tried to hug him, but Jax stood up and started pacing in front of the fireplace. "I guess that gives me my answer." He leaned against the fireplace, trying to keep the tears from falling.

Brenda walked over and rested her hand on his back. Jax quickly turned around. "Don't. Please don't touch me. I'm just thinking about all the times since you were in the cave that you told me you loved me. That you asked me to hug you...and all the time you were probably thinking of him..."

Brenda was crying hard. "That's not true! Jax, I do love you. Whatever you might think."

"Whatever I might think? Brenda, you made love with another man. Is that what you do when you love someone? And on top of that, you never told me. Tell me something Brenda, who else knows about this. Does the whole town know that you slept with Sonny and never planned to tell me the truth."

Brenda sunk down onto the couch. "I didn't want to hurt you."

Jax looked at her and the look in his eyes almost killed her. His once loving eyes were now almost dead. Brenda realized that he would never forgive her for this. "It would have hurt me ... but I'd like to think that we could work things out. But the fact that you didn't trust me enough to tell me ... I can't forgive that."

Brenda was starting to get hysterical. "Please, Jax. I don't want to lose you. I want us to work this out and be together. I love you, Jax."

Stoicly, Jax replied, "Don't say that to me. I don't want to hear you say that." Jax walked over towards the door. "I have to get out of here."

Panicking, Brenda said, "You can't leave, Jax. We have an agreement. Nobody leaves."

"You're right. But you left, first. You left the moment that you told Sonny you loved him." Jax left, before he said something that he'd regret. "Please don't be here when I get back." A single tear rolled down his face. "I really love you, Brenda. I love you more than anything. I never thought that anyone could hurt me this much. All I ever wanted was to love you and make you happy. But that wasn't enough for you. You're still running towards the sadness. I can't do this anymore, Sweetie. I love you, but that's not enough. I hope you find happiness...because you really do deserve it."

Without saying another word, he left, and Brenda sank down onto the couch, sobbing into the cushions. Jax didn't know it, but she'd waited for him for two days. When he didn't return, Brenda forced herself to face the fact that Jax would not forgive her for betraying and lying to him. She packed all of her stuff and left behind a note for Jax. He found it when he returned a few days later. It was sitting on the mantle, in place of the yacht. Jax sat on the couch and opened the letter.

My dearest Jax,

I will never be able to tell you how sorry I am for everything that happened. I want you to know, that the moment I told you that I was "crazy, head-over-heels, in old-fashioned love with you" was the happiest moment of my life. I meant every word that I have ever said to you. I do love you Jax. I love you more than anything and anyone in this world.   I don't know why I let things go so far with Sonny in the cave. I don't have an excuse to offer you. I just wish that I could undo what I have done. But I understand that you aren't able to forgive me for what I did to you. I will never be able to forgive myself.   I've decided that it's for the best if I move to London. I've decied that I should get away from Port Charles. I talked to Julia and she is willing to let me work at Barrett Enterprises with her. I don't think that I want to be a model anymore. I just want to be something that I can be proud of and I want to try to work things out with Julia.   If you ever want to reach me, just pick up the phone. I will never stop loving you. And I will regret messing things up with you until the day that I die. Please find a way to be happy. You have so much love to give that I know you will find a woman that is truly worthy of you.

I love you, Brenda

Back in the present, Jax runs a hand through his hair. Part of him is screaming to go after Brenda, but Jax can't let himself do it. His love for her is so strong that he is afraid that he would let her walk all over him again. Jax had to force himself to admit that Brenda wasn't capable of really loving anyone right now. She still needed to do a lot of growing up.

And Jax is not a fool. He does have his pride, and knowing that Brenda had sex with Sonny and told him that she loved him, is more than he can bear. Jax is not going to waste his life chasing a fantasy. And that's what he was doing. Because he really believed that Brenda was ready to put Sonny in the past. And she wasn't.

It was a godsend that Addie called when she did. Jerry was in yet another scrape and he needed his brother to bail him out. Apparently, Addie had received a phone call from some reporter with the London Times saying that Jerry had been kidnapped. Addie didn't have any further details, just that he was supposed to meet this reporter and try to rescue his brother. Again. Jax leaned against the leather seat. Yes, this was just what he needed. Anything to forget Brenda.

*********

Once the plane lands in New York, Jax goes directly to the sports bar in the airport, where he is supposed to meet with this reporter and get the necessary information on Jerry. One day, his brother was going to go too far, and no one would be able to help him.

Jax immediately goes over to the bartender. "I'm supposed to meet a Mr Lawrence from the London Times." The bartender laughs, which puzzles Jax. "Did I say something funny?"

The bartender looks at him, smiling. "No, it's just ... you haven't met MR Lawrence yet, have you?"

"No. That's why I'm here. Why, is there something about him I should know?"

Jax hears a mocking female voice answer behind him. "Only that I'm not a man." Jax spins around and sees a gorgeous woman standing before him. She's wearing tight black pants, a turqoise, sleeveless top and a short, black leather trenchcoat. Her dark, curly hair is piled high on her head. She holds her hand out to Jax. "Cassandra Lawrence. It's nice to meet you."

Cassie's deep blue eyes meet his as Jax takes her hand. He sighs. "I should have known. Jerry never could resist a beautiful woman. I wondered why he was cooperating with the press."

Cassie turns to the bartender. "We'll be fine, Matt, just send over a pitcher of margaritas." She looks at Jax. "Is that okay?"

"I don't plan to be here that long."

She starts walking and beckons for Jax to follow her. "I think you'll have to change those plans. Come on."

Reluctantly, Jax follows her to a corner booth in the back of the bar. Before they are even seated, the bartender brings them the pitcher of drinks and two glasses. Jax sits down and considers the woman before him, pouring drinks.

She meets his gaze. "I'm sorry that you were expecting a man."

Jax takes a sip of his margarita. "My assistant clearly said that a Mr Lawrence from the times called."

Cassie waves her hand in the air. "Well, that was my photographer, and he was calling from the middle of the amazon. I'm not surprised that the connection was pretty bad and the message didn't get through perfectly."

Jax coughs. "The Amazon?"

"Oh, yeah. That's where we were when Jerry was abducted."

Jax smiles. "Typical Jerry. He has to take a woman to the most exotic and dangerous places imaginable to impress her. I hope you had fun."

"I suppose so. But it was business, not pleasure."

Jax raises his eyebrows. "I'm sure."

"Look, Jax, you obviously think that there is some sort of personal relationship between your brother and me. Let me assure you, that is not the case. Not for lack of trying on his part."

Jax laughs. "I beleive that. I'm sorry if I offended you, Cassandra."

"First, call me Cassie. And second, it takes a lot more than that to offend me. Anyway, I guess you'd like to hear the detail's of Jerry's disappearance."

"That would help."

She takes a drink. "Okay. Well, I was doing this profile on Jerry for the Times when he acquired this ancient treasure map. To make a long story a little shorter, he thought that it would be perfect if I went along with him and included this adventure in the story."

"I'm sure that's not all he was hoping for."

Cassie laughs. "You're right. But I'm quite capable of taking care of myself. We were in the Amazon and I was begining to think that it was all just a wild goose chase. Then, Jerry disappeared and I received a ransom demand."

"Ransom?"

"Well, the map, in exchange for your brother. I didn't really want to handle this on my own, not that I couldn't, so I thought I should get in touch with Jerry's family. And here we are."

Jax scratches his head. "There's one thing I don't understand. If Jerry was abducted in Brazil, wouldn't that be the logical place to recover him? Why are we here?"

"There's a small problem with that. I had a slight ... disagreement with the kidnappers and they decided that I couldn't be trusted to give them the map without first stealing the treasure. Though, I really have no idea why they would think that. Oh, well. The point is, they aren't willing to settle for the map anymore. They want the actual treasure."

Jax nearly chokes on his drink. "Are you telling me that I have to go look for this burried treasure now?"

Cassie smiles. "Now you're getting it. But I don't know where you're getting this 'I' stuff. If you think I'm just going to give you the map and send you on your merry way, you've got another thing coming."

"You don't seriously think that I'm taking you with me."

She leans forward. "It's more a matter of you coming with me. Since I have the map and the instructions for recovering your brother. Are you in?"

Jax shakes his head. "Cassie, just let me handle this myself."

"No way. I am not about to let this opportunity just pass me by. It's completely up to you, though. I'm leaving for Miami in..." She checks her watch. "Oh! Fifteen minutes."

Jax looks into her eyes and knows that she is going to be a problem. "You're clearly determined to do this. Let's go." She smiles and they both stand up. "We don't have to fly commercial. I have my private jet here."

Cassie rolls her eyes and starts walking out of the bar. "Isn't that nice for you. It just so happens, I have my own jet. I think it'll do just as well as yours. But thanks for the offer." Jax follows her into the airport ignoring the inner voice that is telling him that she is going to be trouble.

**********

Jax and Cassie are settling back into the plush seats of her luxurious jet. She offers him something to eat or drink, but Jax delines. The pilot's voice comes over the intercome letting them know that they are cleared for takeoff and should be in Miami in five hours.

Jax looks around the interior of the plane. "This is very nice. I take it you have family money, since I doubt you could afford this on what the Times pays you."

Cassie nods. "Yeah. Well, I'm not on very good terms with my family. I'm the consummate disappointment."

"I find it hard to believe that your family is disappointed in you. Cassie, you're obviously a sucessful reporter."

She takes off her jacket and tosses it on the seat next to her. "That's true. And any normal family would be very proud of me. But not mine. They are ... very powerful people. And they weren't happy with me from the day that I was born."

Jax looks at her. "I find that hard to believe."

"Well, it's true. See, it's my mother's family that I'm dealing with. She was married to Brad Lawrence." Cassie notices Jax's look of surprise. "Yeah, that Brad Lawrence. He was everything that my grandparents ever wanted for my mother. He was rich, powerful ... perfect. And he was madly in love with her. But that wasn't good enough for Mom. See, Brad had been hand-chosen by my grandmother. And you never cross my grandmother."

"So it was an arranged marriage."

Cassie nods. "Basically. But my mother found many ... diversions. The bad luck was, one of those diversions resulted in me." She smiles at his expression. "Don't be so shocked, it happens all the time. But when Brad found out ... he killed himself. My mother was quickly persona non grata in the family."

"That seems a bit harsh."

"Yeah, well, she brought scandal to the family. But she missed out on the real fun. My grandmother's punishment. She died giving birth to me."

Jax looks at her with sympathy. "I'm sorry."

Cassie nods. "Me too. I would have liked to have known Olivia. She sounds fascinating. What little I get to hear. Grandmother will only tell me about her sins. Ocassionally, my Uncle will talk about her. But not too much. Grandmother and my uncle both raised me. Sheer torture, let me tell you. They are both very controlling."

"You seem to have your freedom."

She laughs. "Oh, yeah. Well, once I turned eighteen and inherited EVERYTHING Brad Lawrence had to his name, it was a little tough for them to tie me down. And becoming a reporter. Oh, scandelous."

He has to laugh at her impression of her family. "Why would they think that?"

She replies with mock seriousness. "Because, our family is now tainted by comercialism and the commoners. You think I'm joking, but I'm not. Too bad. Because they lost control of me five years ago and they won't ever get it back."

"Why do I get the feeling they never had control over you?"

Her laughter fills the jet. "Good call."

"Tell me something, why is it that you are working in London? You aren't British."

She smiles. "No, I'm not. Actually, I have family scattered all over the world. My uncle is living in America now, actually. I just needed a change. And London is very far removed from my family. So, how about you? There must be some reason why your brother feels compelled to give into his wanderlust. And why you feel compelled to rescue him at every turn."

"Every turn?"

Cassie leans forward. "You and your brother aren't exactly low profile. His escapades are well-documented."

Jax nods. "Jerry's always been the wild one."

"And you've always been the good one. The 'golden boy' right?"

"Yeah."

She leans back in her seat. "I'm surprised that you came with me. Jerry told me that you recently got married. Does your wife approve of you taking off at a moment's notice?"

Jax stares out the window. "We're not together anymore. We haven't been for a while. If Jerry ever came out of the shadows, he might know that."

Cassie bites her lower lip. "I'm sorry. I wouldn't have brought it up if I knew."

"It's okay. It's time I got over it."

She clears her throat and decides to change the subject. "Well, I have the map with me, if you'd like to look at it. It's a little fuzzy, but I think that the treasure is somewhere in this cluster of islands." She shows him a map from an atlas and compares it with the yellowed treasure map. "So, from Miami, we'll be heading to the Caribbean."

Jax nods. "You know, we don't have to take this big jet. I have a smaller plane grounded in Miami. We could take that." She looks up at him and smiles. He realizes something from the expression in her eyes. "Let me guess. You have your own plane and you're ready to fly it yourself."

"Oh, Jax, I think we're going to get along perfectly."

...to be continued...

Goto Part 2