Resolution of J&B&S (Part 7)

by Joan R.

Jason and Sonny quickly decided that any further planning they would do, would not be in the company of Mr. Jacks. They quickly departed and set about finding a way to sneak Sonny into General Hospital. This gave Jax the time he needed to finally change his clothes and contemplate all the activity of the past day. Had it only been one day...it seemed like weeks. Time had a way of doing that in Port Charles. Some days dragged on forever and some went by so fast one could completely miss them !

Jax took his time in the shower. As the warm water flowed down his back, his thoughts returned to Brenda. How long would it take for Sonny to reach her...was he there even now...what plans might they be making ? Jax shuddered at the thought. Brenda had been making progress. He knew that. She had changed in these last few months.

He had seen a change before. It was almost two years ago, they had returned from their honeymoon and she'd been so happy and relaxed. Oh, there'd been rough spots. The day they heard that Lily died. The time he overheard her tell Robin about going to Sonny's after the nurses ball, he wasn't prepared to hear Brenda talk about how much Sonny meant to her. He'd stayed just out of sight, not wanting to interrupt, definitely not wanting to hear anymore. Of course there were the times he walked in on Brenda staring absently into space....the "Sonny" look that Jax came to know too well.

But Brenda had been happy with him...he knew it. As he stood in the warm casade of water he could feel her there with him. Her soft caress, the feel of their bodies intertwined, the gentle kisses giving way to ever increasing passion...he hadn't imagined all of that. Jax knew she loved him, as he loved her. She told him so the day of the second wedding. Every instinct told him it was real...all of it...every moment. Still, she walked away and back to Sonny. Try as he might Jax had never been able to completely understand why that happened. He told himself she just hadn't stopped loving Sonny. Jax wasn't the type to settle for being second best.

The water was getting cold and Jax's mind returned to the present. Standing alone again in the shower he reached up, turned the water off and grabbed his towel. It was time to find another place to live. One where the memories wouldn't haunt him.

He hurried to dress, pulling on jeans and a blue sweater. Just before he left the bedroom, a thought crossed his mind. He walked to his dresser and opened the top drawer. He reached in, grasped what he was looking for and slipped it into his pant's pocket. It was time to get going. He'd been away from the hospital for almost two hours.


Sonny and Jason had no trouble depositing Sonny at Brenda's hospital door. Sonny had been operating in the shadows far too long not to know all the entrances to the hospital that normal citizens would never begin to contemplate. Then again, Sonny was anything but a normal citizen.


Sonny reached for the door to her room, turned the knob and silently slipped inside. Brenda's face was buried in a magazine her nurse had been kind enough to hijack from the waiting room. She was half drifting off and when Sonny spoke. It startled her. She opened her mouth to speak, but no sound emerged.


"Hi Brenda." Sonny smiled and began to move cautiously toward her bed.

He hadn't meant to frighten her. Brenda sat up straight and placed her back tightly against the headboard of the bed. How strange she thought , her first instinct was to retreat from him.

"I'm sorry if I surprised you. I guess I should have knocked first."


"No, I was just nodding off. I don't suppose it would've been a good idea for you to call attention to yourself while you were still in the hall. It's OK. You are just the last person I expected to drop by to see me. "


"I heard you had been shot. I needed to see that you 're OK."


"Oh, it's being shot that makes your list of noteworthy catastrophes. I guess that's good to finally know."

An icy chill went straight down Sonny's spine. It was exactly the effect that Brenda desired. She silently reveled at the discomfort she detected from his body. Brenda wasn't about to let Sonny play "the Knight in Shining Armor" and Sonny was beginning to wonder if he'd made a mistake in coming.

"Brenda, I have always cared whether you were safe and healthy. You should know that."


"Is that what you thought I was after you left me at the altar......safe and healthy ? " There was no mistaking her sarcastic tone.


"Actually, yes. Safer and healthier than you would have been with me."


"Thank you Dr. Corinthos for your diagnosis. It wasn't how it felt from where I stood. Did you ever even think of that. ?"

Brenda was trying to remain calm, but her anger was beginning to grow. Initially she was shocked to see him, then decided it was good to know Sonny was alive. The anger was taking over as Sonny seemed to dismiss what she had gone through after his departure.

"Don't you think my mental health might have fared a little better if you'd actually discussed your departure with me ahead of time? Do you have even the tiniest idea what it felt like to stand in front of that church with all our friends.......and never have you come?"


"No Brenda, I don't know what that was like. I'm sorry I had to hurt you like that. I thought you'd insist on coming with me.....no matter what."


"Isn't that what you asked me to do? Isn't that what we planned ? Hadn't we agreed, together, to do that? When did I stop getting a vote in the decision? "


Sonny realized that coming back had been a bad chioce on his part. He should have let this rest. He didn't want to answer any of her questions. He could see the anger in her eyes. He could hear it in her voice. He didn't have any better answers for her now than he did the day he left. That's why he never faced her, why he disappeared without her. Would she believe he loved her...but couldn't take her with him? He suddenly sensed that this could be their last conversation and he wasn't ready.

What had he thought he would accomplish in coming back? He should have waited. Maybe there will have been a time in the future when she could join him. Maybe he could make it safe enough. Maybe Brenda could accept him and the job now. The organization was all he knew. It provided him power and self-esteem. Maybe he was wrong about this feeling of finality. Brenda seemed different now. She seemed strong and self assured in demanding answers from him. She wasn't backing off an inch. But this time she wasn't getting emotional, she didn't seem......needy, was that the right word ? Maybe now she was strong enough to face living in his life. Maybe her anger made her stronger. Maybe the time had come where he should take her with him. No one safety's guaranteed. Look where being around Jax put her. Maybe she could finally see there was no difference between Jax and him. Sonny chose his words carefully........

"Brenda......as our wedding day grew closer, I found myself thinking more and more about Lily and the car bomb. I knew that realistically you would always be the easiset way for my enemies to get to me. I truly do love you, but I decided I couldn't take the chance that loving you might end up costing you your life. It almost had on other occasions. I couldn't keep on tempting fate. I decided I would leave alone. I told Jason to say 'it'd been a great ride' to make you angry and keep you from following. I realize that no one is ever promised tomorrow, Brenda. I have missed you every day, and kept in touch with Jason. I came today to be sure you were OK and had everything you need."


"You decided it was OK to make all these decisions for my life with no input from me ?"


"Well........I thought I was in a better position to assess the real circumstances. You have to admit, Brenda, you used to talk about our future life like it was going to be just two people living on a farm or lying on a beach. That will never be my life, no matter how much we want it to be."

Sonny paused waiting for some reaction from Brenda. He hoped she understood. She actually understood their problems far better than he did. There had been so much she wanted to say to Sonny since he'd left. The content had changed, however, with each passing day. Sitting here, looking and listening to him, she knew what he was offering. It was an explanation, and hope for their future. She knew the future he discussed would never happen and she struggled to find the words to tell him. It was her turn to make him understand.

" I was in shock when you didn't show up at the church. I told everyone you'd be there, just like we agreed. I knew you'd show up when it was time to go down the aisle. I had agreed to turn my life over to you. I don't know if I will ever be able to describe how alone and lost I felt when you didn't come. It took me a few days to realize that I didn't feel anything because there wasn't anything left inside me. I'd prepared to leave everyone and everything I thought I loved and suddenly there was nothing in it's place. I was just going through the motions of existing. What I've gradually come to realize over these last months is that I always chose to live in other people's lives instead of my own."


"I'm not completely sure I understand. " Sonny looked puzzled as Brenda tried to put words with her thoughts.


"I've realized I was always adapted to other people's lives instead of building one of my own. When I first came to Port Charles I settled into the Q's. I went after Karen's boyfriend because they seem so cool. Then I met you and your life seemed so exciting and adult. It was very attactive. I'd wanted all my life to be included with the grownups, and you gave me that. But it was still your life, not mine. I was just a high school kid, then a college kid."


"Mmmmmm....I never spent time thinking of it like that."


"You told me once that we were like addicts and I know that you were for me. All that passion, danger, living life in the shadows. I grew up being a bad girl to get adult attention. You gave me the attention and it was very addictive. Along the way though, I never figured out what I wanted in my life beyond the attention. That was all I focused on and I molded myself to whatever I needed to be to get it. I think when you agreed to leave Port Charles and we would go off together, that's as far as I thought....just the two of us. That was everything i thought I wanted. We'd be at the farm or on the beach, as you said, but I hadn't thought past that."


"We could still be together...we'll take each day as it comes. What's wrong with that ? It's called being spontaneous...people do it all the time."


"Not people like you, Sonny. There are arrangements that have to be made. Security measures put into place. Conitingency plans......." Brenda's thoughts trailed off momentarily.


"I can't just take off anymore Sonny, I won't, not forever. I have my own life, a budding new career in modeling, friends that I never want to lose, a home that I'm making my own. I love planning outings and excursions, but turning my back on all of it is impossible. I can't even imagine ever doing that. I think it shows how far I've come."


"Was there a specific turning point for you Brenda, a defining moment?"


"Yes, it was the day I wanted to kill myself."

Sonny was taken aback. he hadn't realized she'd slipped that close to oblivion.

" I heard you were hospitalized...some kind of breakdown."


"So you knew."


"Yes. I also heard Jax got you out right away. Jason didn't think it was smart, but I figured the doctors had to give their OK."


"Well, it was a tentative OK. I'm not sure how he arranged it. I just wanted to go home. It was a few weeks after that, that I almost gave up. I cut up a bunch of photos of myself, trying to get rid of my image, trying to erase that girl I didn't understand or like. I ran out of the house and wandered until I ended up at Lily's grave."

Sonny gently nodded his head. He'd heard about that also.

"I realized while I was sitting there that I hadn't made much of a life for myself...but at least I was still alive. I vowed to get my life together and live it to the fullest."


"I'm glad." Sonny quietly murmured.


"I think there will always be a side of you that I love and wanted to nuture, Sonny. But I realize that we are the sum total of all of our qualities, of all our decisions. I wouldn't ever want to be a part of the mob. I don't like the danger, the restrcitions, the deceit...... I don't want to spend time dodging death threats. I can't love that. But, I know you do. For you it represents power and control, and those are more important than the obstacles. For me it's just death and I don't want to kill Brenda anymore...I've finally made peace with her. I even like her. I have big plans for her.......for me."


Sonny looked at the floor and then back up at Brenda. He knew there was only one thing left to say. He couldn't argue with her logic. They were truly two very different people.


" You've made amazing progress Brenda. I wanted you to get on with your life and it sounds like you have. I can't change the way I live mine. I don't completely agree with your assessment, but you obviously have given this a lot of thought. It always was easier for Lily, having grown up in the organization."


"But she's dead, Sonny. And it happened way too soon. I'm so sorry for my part in antagonizing Rivera. If I could take it all back I would. I just know I will never make the same choices for my life."


"I guess there's really nothing left to say except I hope you have a good life. I will miss you. I did love you."


Sonny finally moved over to the edge of Brenda's bed. She felt the tension in her shoulders and back release. She had said everthing she wanted to say. It seemed to her they both finally understood that their life was in the past. Sonny was right. It had been a hell of a ride, just one that she would never be repeating. She held up her arms, opening them to offer Sonny an embrace. He gently sat on the edge of her bed and took her in his arms. The door to her room began to open. As they held each other for the last time Brenda softly sighed.......

"Take care of yourself. I love you."


Jax wasn't prepared to see their embrace. His timing was the pits. He quietly backed out of the room, closed the door, and walked away. Brenda's arms dropped to her sides and she pulled back.


"I think you'd better leave. The doctor or nurses should be coming in soon and I assume you'd rather not have them see you."


"You're right, I'd better get back to...." He let the thought drop. You take care. See ya."

It was still safer for Brenda to not know where he lived. Brenda watched him walk to the door, then he was gone as quickly as he had come. She looked up at the clock on the wall. Where was Jax ? Was something wrong ? He said he wouldn't be gone long....