Left On The Cutting Room Floor - Episode #7

Thursday - April 30th - Brenda, Robin

~ Till You Love Me ~

"Robin do we have to discuss this now? I'm trying to get ready for my business trip. I know we haven't had much time to really talk lately with everything that's been happening. I promise we'll talk when I get back. I'll only be day, and then we'll talk."

"Brenda, Are you sure you're not going too far with this?"

"Robin, I've set my goal and I'm going to keep at it until I've hit my desired target."

"You can't force it Brenda. You can get hurt if you're not careful."

"This is something I need to do for myself. Gail and I have talked about my past problems of letting things go too easy. That I need to finish whatever I set out to do."

"I'm sorry Brenda, I don't mean to be negative or un-supportive, but don't you think you're rushing things?"

"No, I'm stronger now, I can do this."

"All right Brenda, I give up you win." Robin laughs as she places her hands on Brenda's feet to help her the rest of the way.

"I made it!" Brenda collapses on the floor, her chest heaving from the effort. "Robin do you realized what I just did! This is the first time I've completed 200 sit-ups since my accident! I use to do these everyday. It took me so long to work myself back up to it! I can't believe I finally did it. And not a moment too soon with the wining and dinning I've been plying Jax with lately, I need to increase my exercise program. I need to be fit and toned for my first national commercial in a really long time! I'm so excited about this job! But this is coming at exactly the wrong time. I made a huge step with Jax today and I hate to leave now. Have I told you that Jerry has finally appeared. After all this time, I've finally met the infamous older brother. He's all that he's advertised to be and much more." Brenda rises and places her hand over Robin's, "Oh Robin, Jax and I were so close to being back together again. We we're right there, just on the verge, on the very brink.....and JERRY arrives. I'm not sure, but I think it was pre-planned. They had this really confusing conversation, talking in some kind of code, but I got the general idea. Jax must have asked Jerry to fabricate an emergency to break up our lunch plans. You know what? From what I could make out from them arguing, Jerry went over Jax's head and caused a real crisis. Jax wouldn't have left otherwise. But do you know what this means don't you? If Jax needed to ask for his brother's help, I must be getting to him! It's working Robin, he's going down!"

Robin looks on with total awe, "Brenda slow down! I don't think I've ever seen you talk so fast, about so many things at once! I guess there really is something to what they say about the endorphin rush caused by exercise. You are so jazzed so upbeat, it's incredible!"

Brenda's eyes are dancing with excitement, "I don't know if it's that, or just the thrill of knowing I'm so close to getting Jax back! This feels so right, I am so close to being in that elusive place I seldom see. A place known as Incredible Joy! Robin, I need you to do me a favor, a delivery service is going to be picking up this package later today. Can you stay here until it's picked up? It's something special for Jax. I hope this keeps me in his thoughts while I'm away.

The dreamy smile on Brenda's face had Robin wishing that she could find this 'elusive place'. "Brenda, you're only going to be gone a day, about 36 hours tops! But, I'll be happy to see to this for you. After what I've been through these past few weeks, I'd love to be involved in something that brings happiness instead of pain, disillusionment or sadness. What is it?"

"It's something that he's really going to love! I'll tell you more about it when I get back. Right now this gift needs to be private between Jax and me. This one is not a joke or a game, it's made from a piece of me and a part of him. I'm hoping this recipe will lead to a delicious reunion!"

Robin is laughing at Brenda's analogy. "Just give me the recipe when you get back. Just bottle it and hand over the directions. I could use some of, what did you call it, 'Joy'?

"Bottle it? You don't know how right you are!" Brenda is practically bouncing with excitement, she squeals, "I can hardly wait for the next day and a half to pass! If everything goes as planned, you may get a chance to be my maid of honor after all!"

* * * * * * * * *

Thursday - April 30th - Jax, John

"That's right dad, I should have this done later today. I'll make the changes we discussed during the flight." Jax snaps his overnight bag shut and more firmly grips the phone with his hand, " What? Yes, Jerry's still here. He hasn't been checking in with you? That's no surprise to you is it? You know he's not one for keeping in touch. I'll let him know you're looking for him when I get back. He'll be staying here a bit longer, he's been a big help to me the last couple of days. I don't know what I would have done without him. You don't tell me what dealings the two of you are working on, why do you need to know what my dealings are. It has nothing to do with family business."

"Are you two conspiring against Brenda? You better be careful boy, you know that Jerry doesn't always play fair. You know he doesn't operate under the same morality as others. Jerry could take it too far and Brenda will be lost forever." Jax sits on the bed, his irritation mounting. He did not need the parental censure after the close call he had with Brenda yesterday. He had come so close to chucking away all his best intentions. And where would it have left him. He knew that giving away to desire would be the first step to giving away the path to his heart again. He was not going to leave his heart wide open to Brenda's fleeting affections. Her business couldn't have come at a better time. It would give him time to re-distance his emotions.

John continues the assault, "Why are you fighting it Jax? You two were meant to be!"

"Dad don't start with me again. Brenda and I are not you and mum, we aren't destined to be together. We lost our chance, we can't go back."

"Can't, or won't? Jax what your mother and I think-

Jax stands, the anger has made his posture taunt and rigid, "Dad, STOP! We will not be doing this today. I live by my own terms. You or mom don't know what is right for me. You did that once before with Miranda. You will NOT ever make decisions about how I live or the choices I make ever again! I've told you that Brenda and I will never be more than friends, and you and mum will have to accept that. End of discussion." Jax's rage is so intense that the yacht he picked up during his father's speech, is shaking in his hand. Not wanting to break it again, he gently places it back on his night stand. Jax had brought it here because he could not bear seeing it back on the living room mantelpiece. Brenda had placed it there as a symbol of the home they were going to forge together. Having the yacht sitting there would have served as a constant reminder of their failure to do so. He forces himself to sit, unconsciously running his fingers through his hair. His labored breathing, begins to slow.

The silence is broken by John's voice. It is calm and measured in tone, but Jax can hear the hurt resonating across the phone lines. "Son you can't go through life surrounding your heart with walls to protect yourself from being hurt. Do you think your mother and I have never had to fight to stay together? No relationship is without trust lost and regained, disillusionment and enlightenment. It's called 'Life' son. And you need to start living it You haven't been living, you're merely existing." Jax rhythmically clenching his hand, sits silently, listening to his father's message.

Encouraged by Jax's lack of response, John continues, "Love is so rare Jax. When you find it, you cradle it, you nurture it, you revel in it, you don't turn your back doubting it's value or duration. Those walls you've built will protect you from the hurt, but they also shield away life's joys, happiness, freedom. You will become a prisoner of your own invention. Jax you were taught that you have to take risks to reap the rewards. Take that chance with Brenda, and you might experience heights you never knew existed. It has for your mother and me."

The buzzing in Jax's head was deafening. Unable to sit still, he begins to pace about the room his movements as frenetic as his jumbled thoughts. "Dad, I don't know how many times I have to tell you this, but Brenda and I are just friends now. There is no hope of us ever being more. Don't mistake my lust for love. That's all I feel for Brenda now, that and friendship built by surviving our past."

"You can deny it all you want my boy, but saying it aloud does not diminish the strength of your love in your heart. Talk to Brenda Jax. Have you both ever sat down and expressed your true feelings, thoughts? Or do you mask your thoughts with flirting games and light-hearted banter? Are you so afraid that you hide behind witty remarks and flights of fancy.

You both made life altering decisions based on what you both perceived the other was feeling. In your attempt to do the right thing, you made the wrong decisions. Your mum and I learned much about Brenda when we were there. We better understand what happened that fateful day. Brenda has approached you with love, she's opened her heart, she's put herself on the line. What do you do?, you persist in hiding behind these walls for fear of pain. I raised you to be a man Jax, not a coward. Talk to her and the truth will set you free."

Jax shoulders slump in total defeat, "We'll both be out of town until tomorrow, so I'll have at least a day to ponder what you've said. Dad?, I've heard everything you've said and I will think about it. I know that Brenda and I need to talk but it's not as if we don't have time. We're both young and there's plenty of life left to live. Don't worry so much, it's not good for your health. Have faith in how you and mum raised me, I'll do the right thing for me and for Brenda. I've got to go now, my flight is leaving in 30 minutes I just have time to make it. Give mumy love.

Lost in thought, Jax opens the door and barrels into an arriving delivery man. After apologies are extended, Jax receives a shoe box sized package. He recognized Brenda's writing immediately and smiles. I wonder what she's up to this time. Jax re-enters his suite to place the box on his desk to open tomorrow, then changes his mind and places it in his overnight bag and heads for the airport.

* * * * * * * * *

Jax feeds the last of the contract changes into the fax machine and returns to his seat drink in hand. The ice makes a tinkling sound as his nervous twitching causes them to hit the side of the glass. He sets the glass down and begins to pace, looking at the box jutting out of his bag. What was in there? Why would Brenda want to send him at gift by messenger? All her other gifts had been delivered in person. And why now? She knew he was leaving on business, as was she. Did it have anything to do with her cryptic comment yesterday?

"A lot can happen in 24 hours." His body infused with heat just thinking about that moment. Her hands had reached up, her fingers entwined themselves into his hair. He had leaned into her like a cat being petted. Fingers barely trailed across his ear, fingernails had lightly scratched a trail as it retreated. That combined with her breathy whisper set him on fire.

Yesterday had been the closest they had come to having a serious conversation. They had be lying there discussing what she wanted and he had questioned her motivation. He had looked into her eyes as she had fanned her fingers across her cheek and he was awash in heat so intense that he could only drown them in her eyes, her lips, her gentle touch. In that moment, it had felt so right, so perfect, he had returned home. Then thankfully, Jerry arrived. A little later than planned but just in time to stop him from losing all coherent thought. But it had not been soon enough to prevent the victory he saw in Brenda's eyes. He had stepped over the line and he had to figure a way to step back.

But is that what he wanted to do? There had been some truth behind his father's comments. Had he been so intent on not being hurt again that he could not see the whole picture? Jax looks at his hands and notices that he is now gripping the package. How had that happened? She was now invading his unconscious thoughts and actions. Still apprehensive of its' contents, he begins to unwrap the package.

Inside the box he found an unusual apothecary bottle. It had an elongated narrow neck that flowed into a wide oval base. It was ornate in design made of glass in hues of lavender, mauve and gray. A genie bottle, how cute! Jax relaxes as visions of Brenda in her fetching little outfit came to mind. As he admires the design, he notices a card in the box reading 'Open Me First'.

Brenda is really taking this genie thing too seriously lately, Jax grins to himself as he opens the note. The note started off innocently enough, "Rub bottle three times to have your fondest wish granted....."

As he rubbed the bottle, his finger brushed over a button that was hidden in one of the many circular patterns along its' base. As the button depressed, music began emanating from within. I guess it's not a real genie bottle, I don't they had mini disc players back then...

I sent you roses, I warned you I would
Do all that I could to show you the way that I feel
Please, don't say I'm wasting my time
I've got nothing but time so I'll do all that I can to catch
That ghost of a chance

The sunlight, the moonlight
Are beyond my control
And there are stars in the heavens
That I'll never hold
But if dreams give you power
Then I'm strong enough to offer my heart
And never give up till you love me
Till you love me

I looked in your eyes, so bright and so blue
And that's when I knew that you could be mine
If good things come to those who will wait
Well, I guess I can wait if that's what I have to do
Oh, it's worth it for you

That's Brenda for you, she never gives up. But it will take more than a song to convince me of her love. As he reads on, Jax's smile dims as he comprehends the seriousness of this present. This wasn't a joke.

Dear Jax,

I'm sorry about not delivering this in person, but I thought it best if you and I both took time to reflect on what I'm about to say.

In case you haven't figured it out by now, I Love You. I do understand your reluctance to believe me. I've told you this before and then my actions proved otherwise. I don't know if I can make you understand my reasons for returning to Sonny after you let me go. I guess I should have fought for us, but what was the use. You had already figured out that I wasn't good enough for you, so I gave up too.

(Let her go! What is she talking about? Jax becomes more puzzled as he reads on.....)

So there I was, lost and alone in my room at the Cosmopolitan. With nothing left but my thoughts and memories of what I had lost because of my weakness, stupidity. At first I thought I could straighten myself out, kick the pills, build me into something you would be proud to have by your side, in your life. But Sonny came, whispering in my ear, telling me how unworthy I was. He told me that I had dared to reach heights higher than I deserved, and had been kicked back down to earth where I belonged, with him.... I should have stayed alone, learned to like myself before making important life decisions. But, Sonny extended his hand, and I took it. In my mind I had rationalized that what I had with Sonny was love, it was all the love I deserved. I followed the path he made for me until the day he left. From there I slowly spiraled downward until the day you found me a quivering mess in the mental ward.

You know, that was probably my lowest point in life, but also the turning point in my life. It's led me to look back at my entire life and all the events that shaped me. My life with my father, or rather without my father affected me more than I realized. He died by violence and I can't remember shedding a tear. Sonny was a lot like my father. I mistook the violence, danger, and secrecy, for love. That's what surrounded me as a child, it was what I knew.

However, now I can finally see my childhood for what it was. A life lesson of what love is NOT. I should never have used it as a pattern of how to live my life. I know you think I'm just living in the moment again, you think I'm reaching towards you with love because you're here and Sonny is not, but you're wrong. I see you for what you are. A man of compassion, understanding and great inner strength. You encouraged me make my own decisions, have my own opinions, to be better than I thought I could be. I can't tell you how much it frightens me that you may never love me that way again.

Inside the bottle is something I took from the penthouse when I packed up the last of my belongings. It belongs to you, but it almost was mine. I've looked at it so many times when I needed strength to continue. So often, that it is now ingrained in my mind, my heart, forever. I'm returning this to you now because I am strong enough to live without holding it in my hands each night. I hope that one day you will find your way back to trusting me enough, loving me enough to let us cherish and share it together for all time.

Jax opens the bottle and looks into it's depths. He inverts the bottle and a sheet of paper bound into a scroll with gold thread slides out. Jax eyes mist as he reads.....

Brenda, you know me, I don't make promises as a rule, I've learned not to,
Most promises seem so imaginary with the life span as short as a firefly's
In fact most things people hold dear or say they do, don't seem to last
What is valuable one day, may be worthless the next
No one knows that better than I do, It's protected me from pettiness,
It's also kept me utterly removed from life as most people live it, until you,
How can I say so soon and so surely that my happiness in you will never fade
I can't say, It's like waking up with an answer to a puzzle and not knowing where it came from
I never make promises, as a rule,
But now every word, between us from morning till night is a promise to me
I collect them in my head, and at the end of each day
I turn them over and set them in place, like bricks.
They're that solid, they're that real,
They've built us a home, and fire, and wind , and flood can't touch
They've given me a place where I can love you,
From this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer for poorer in sickness and in health till death do us part.....

She had taken the wedding vows he had written for her. The paper was now worn with age and constant use. He could see where it had puckered where teardrops had fallen and dried. A fresh teardrop fell on the page as he reached up to dry his eyes. Jax struggled to focus on reading the words that were swimming across the page. It looked as if Brenda had added her own message at the bottom. Out of frustration, he swiped his shirt sleeve across his eyes to dry them more quickly.

Jax, If you can never love me like this again, I will accept it. I will be able to go on knowing that at one moment in this life, the man I loved, loved me more than I ever deserved. In that one instant, I experience pure unadulterated joy, knowing I had found perfection on Earth. I'm sorry if you think I've been pushy, obsessed or a nuisance, but I could not live with myself if I knew I didn't give it everything I had to win your trust and love back. If that's not possible, if the hurt runs too deep, I will understand. Please let's talk tomorrow. No pranks, no jokes, just the reality of truth and confessions.

Jax glances at his watch. It would be about time Brenda started her shoot. He decided not to call her. She was right they needed to sit down and talk face to face. He needed many questions answered. What had she meant by letting her go? Had he tried so hard to do the right thing, that she misconstrued his actions as giving up. He thought he had made it clear, he would wait for her, and she had chosen Sonny. BUT DID SHE? Jax closed his eyes trying to remember that day, what he had said, what she had said.

He shouts to release the tension, "I don't care if it's right before her shoot, we need to talk!" He grabs the phone and begins to punch in her cell phone number. Before it rings, he hangs up. Jax paces about the jet's cabin, and reaches for the phone again. He takes a couple of breaths to slow his heart down and begins to dial. He hangs up before he's done and sits down it total confusion. Both hands cover his face as he fights with himself, searching for the right actions to take. His hands wipes his eyes dry as he removes them from his face. He would wait until tomorrow to talk to Brenda. This was too important to discuss over the phone. This would be the longest day of his life, but he would get through it. They would both be back in Port Charles tomorrow and there would be plenty of time to talk. They had waited this long, what difference could one more day make? ......

* Song Credits - Album " Read My Mind" - "Till You Love Me" - performed by Reba McEntire