by Jan
Chapter 17
Around mid-day on Sunday, Brenda awoke with a start. At first, she wasn’t sure if she was dreaming. Laying on her side, she felt a warmth against her back, and an arm across her waist. Then, she remembered the events of the night before, and carefully turned to face Jax in her bed.
He was still asleep, his blonde curls falling carelessly across his forehead. She gently took one curl and wrapped it around her finger, smiling at its resilience. She continued to watch him sleep, recalling the many pleasures of the night before.
She couldn’t help but wonder. Was he back in her life for good? Had he finally realized, as Josie had predicted, that Julia was just an idealistic infatuation, and that he really loved her? Or was it just pure, unadulterated lust? The dress had certainly been provocative enough to inspire it. She had to admit, she had missed the physical aspect of their relationship as much as he had.
But if he had only come back because he wanted her body, would that be enough for her? She realized that over the past few months, she had become more self-reliant, more confident about herself, and she actually liked the new Brenda Barrett. Her mind told her that she shouldn’t settle for anything less than his love, but when she looked at his face, and at those hands that could bring her to such ecstasy, her body made a powerful argument.
Interrupting her thoughts, he shifted slightly in his sleep and seemed disturbed. As she watched, he rolled to his back, and mumbled some words that she couldn’t understand. Then he said one word that stopped her heart cold. "Julia."
She felt as though someone threw a bucket of ice water over her. Quickly, she got out of bed, threw on some sweats, and slipped downstairs and out the door for a walk in the woods.
She came back to the cabin about 45 minutes later, and found Jax sitting on her living room couch, dressed in his tuxedo trousers, with the shirt on but unbuttoned.
He ran his hand through his hair in relief and frustration. "Brenda! Where have you been! I was worried out of my mind!"
She was cool as she came in and closed the door. "I needed to go for a walk." She threw her keys on the table. He looked confused by her quiet demeanor this morning.
He came over to her and ran his finger down her arm. "What’s the matter? Did I dream that we had the most glorious night of passion last night?"
She had to try to stay coherent. "Jax, why did you come here last night?"
He realized this wasn’t going the way he expected. "I came here because I wanted you – because not making love to you was sheer torture for me. It was an impulse, but I thought from your reaction last night, you approved."
Brenda looked at him with eyes of rich brown velvet. "It was heaven for me too, Jax, but that’s the problem. When you touch me, I have no will power. But I can’t live for your whims, being here when you want me, being willing to step aside when you find somebody you want more."
"I don’t mean to try to control you, Brenda. And I don’t mean to hurt you intentionally."
"But you did, Jax," she said softly. "And what if you decide to leave me for my own good again? I don’t know if I could go through it again."
He was becoming more and more frustrated. "What are you asking? You want a commitment? What do you want from me, a wedding ring? A signed contract?"
Brenda shook her head. "No. All I want is your heart, Jax. Your WHOLE heart, not just the part that you haven’t given to Julia. Can you give me that?"
Now his head was really spinning. "You can have that," he said in a low voice.
Brenda couldn’t take a chance. He had to believe what he was saying. "Are you sure, Jax? Can you really tell me you don’t love her anymore?"
Jax couldn’t tell if it was last night’s scotch, or lack of sleep, or the paradox before him that was making his mind reel. It would be so easy to just tell her yes, to make her happy and to satisfy his own needs. And it was Brenda who was occupying his thoughts all the time. In fact, he could hardly remember what Julia looked like. They had never made a connection like this. But still, the two sisters went round in circles in his mind, two faces fading in and out of his dreams.
She was still waiting for his answer. "I don’t think I do. At least, I’d like to try living with you, not under her shadow…"
Brenda let out a long sigh and shook her head. "I won’t be your guinea pig, Jax. You have to be sure. Come back to me when you’re sure." His long pause before he answered her had told her more than his tentative reply.
Jax wasn’t used to this. He was usually the one in control of a situation. In business, in his social life. When he wasn’t in control, it scared him and confused him. He hadn’t been himself ever since he broke up with Brenda. Wanting her had made him distracted, even in business.
As he picked up his tuxedo coat and keys, he decided. He needed to get away. He needed to go somewhere where he could sort it all out. Who he loved. Where his life was going. Who he wanted to go there with. Even where he was going in business. He couldn’t do it here, with everyone watching him and waiting for his next move. He needed to go somewhere and just think, and draw, and figure out his life.
He slowly opened the door and looked back at Brenda. He didn’t really want to leave, but he knew it was the best thing for both of them.
"Good-bye, Brenda."
He shut the door softly. She sat down slowly in an overstuffed chair and stayed there for a long time.
The Monday evening after the wedding, John, Jane, and Josie Jacks were having dinner with Lucas at their house. John and Jane had volunteered to watch Lucas while Jerry and Bobbie went on their honeymoon, and Josie was in 7th heaven, having the boy with them for that long.
"Well, I guess we won’t have you around here much longer after your mom and dad get back, will we?" she asked.
"Nope," Lucas answered, eyes shining. "Dad thinks he found a really neat house for us to live in. But it’s not far from here, so I still can come to visit. And it’s not too far from the brownstone, so I can still go visit Georgie and Maxie, too."
"You can come visit me anytime you want," Josie said fondly, patting his hand.
Lucas put his fork down. "May I be excused Grandma?" He looked anxious.
Jane recognized that look. "John Jacks, have you promised the boy something special after dinner?"
John got that, "Who, me?" look, but Lucas spilled the beans. "Grandpa said he would take me to see his great white shark on the wall and tell me all about when he caught it!"
Josie looked at Lucas’ plate. "I still see some carrots on that plate, young man. Aren’t you supposed to eat all of them on your diet?"
He drooped his head. "Yeah, Great-Grandma, but I don’t like them! And the other vegetables that I could have in their place are yucky, too. Peas, beets, yuck!!"
She leaned over to him and whispered. "Well, I heard a rumor that your Grandma got the cook to make angel-food cake with fresh strawberries for dessert. Maybe if you finished your carrots, your grandpa will let you take your dessert with you to see the shark-on-the-wall."
"Really?" Lucas’ eyes sparkled.
John chuckled. "Yes, I think that can be arranged. But it has to be every last carrot."
Lucas finished them in record time, and soon was going hand-in-hand with John to see the infamous white shark. Jane was fixing a tray to take in to them with the cake and artificially sweetened strawberries as Josie drank her coffee.
"You know, Jane, I think I just had a marvelous idea," she grinned.
"All of your ideas are marvelous, mother. What’s this one?"
"Well, I haven’t been keeping up with my karate, but I got a note today that Sensei Kenji is coming into town for some special classes. Why don’t I take Lucas with me to a class? Think he’d like to see his great-grandma break a board?"
Jane smiled. "I think Lucas would like to see you do anything, mother. He loves you a lot."
"I love him right back," she replied thoughtfully. "And I’ll be extra careful to watch out for his blood sugar getting low, so I don’t think Bobbie would mind." Jane nodded. Josie took a forkful of strawberries and cake, and another thought occurred. "After I finish this, maybe I’ll give Jax a call, too. I bet Lucas would love to see his uncle Jax break a brick!"
Jane sipped her coffee. "Now that may be a problem."
"What do you mean?" Josie said with surprise. "I don’t think Jax would mind us tagging along, do you?"
"I’m sure he wouldn’t if he were in town, mother, but he’s not."
"He’s not in town? But he was just here for the wedding! Did John send him on some special project again?"
Jane put down her cup, a troubled look in her eye. "I didn’t want to say anything, because I didn’t want to upset you, but I’m worried about the boy. John didn’t send him anywhere. He left on his own, late Sunday."
Josie had seen Jax eyeing Brenda at the wedding reception, and thought for a moment that he had shown some sense and swept her off her feet on a trip somewhere. "Did he go by himself?"
"Absolutely. In fact, he said he wanted to get away from everything and everybody. Said he had some important thinking to do."
{Well, that could be a good sign, or it could be a sign that stupidity strikes again.}
"Where did he go?"
"That’s what really surprised me," Jane said. "I would have expected him to go to Malibu, you know how much he loves that place. But he said he didn’t want to go there. Said it had memories, whatever that meant."
"So…"
"So he packed a few things and went to the cabin at Holden Beach."
"In North Carolina?"
Jane nodded. "I told him that it would be pretty secluded at this time of year, and he seemed to think that that’s what he needed."
Josie snorted. "Well, that’s for sure. There isn’t even a telephone in the place."
"I know," Jane said slowly. "And he said once he’s there safely, he’s going to unplug the cell phone and leave it in the car. Something must really be bothering him, something he really needs to get straightened out in his mind."
Josie stirred her coffee with satisfaction. {Not something --- SOMEBODY.}
Several weeks later, Brenda found herself having dinner with Ned and Lois at the Quartermaine mansion. After her "reunion" with Jax and failing to hear from him, she buried herself in her work again. Since Harlan Barrett was busy setting up the merger with Sonny’s companies, Brenda was never lacking for work to keep her busy.
Brenda hadn’t told Lois about the "reunion." She didn’t want Lois getting her hopes up about Jax coming back to her. She also had a funny feeling that Lois would probably give her a lecture about sending him away and being too stubborn.
Brenda hadn’t had much time with Lois lately, so when Lois called to invite her to the dinner, Brenda immediately agreed, thinking that it sounded like it would be fun. She was a little surprised, though, when Lois also included Edward and Lila, Alan, Monica, and Emily in the guest list. And Brenda expected to dine at the gatehouse, not the main house.
Dinner was pleasant, if a little strained. Edward grumbled his usual comments about Ned’s singing career, but Lila glossed over them and kept the conversation light. Thankfully, A.J. and Jason were out for the evening, so Brenda didn’t have to worry about either of them coming home and trying to put the moves on her. She particularly didn’t want to see Jason, who might let it slip to Lois that Jax was at Brenda’s cottage that night after the wedding.
As dessert was about to be served, Ned stood up and tapped his glass with his spoon. "Can I have your attention, please?"
Edward grumbled immediately. "Oh, Lord. He’s going to sing again."
Ned smiled. "Grandfather, tonight even your sarcasm won’t be able to put me in a bad mood." He faced the dinner guests. "Lois and I invited all of you tonight because we wanted to have our family and friends around us."
Brenda didn’t know what to expect, but she saw Lois’ eyes were shining brightly. Ned reached down and took her hand.
"We invited you tonight because we wanted to celebrate with you. We wanted to be with the people we love most in the world when we announced the fact that Lois and I are expecting a baby!!"
The entire room broke into cheers, and Brenda jumped out of her seat to hug Lois. Both of them were crying.
Brenda pulled back from the hug to whisper in Lois’ ear. "Does your mother know yet?"
Lois laughed. "Who do you think helped me make the home pregnancy test?"
Brenda stopped for a moment. "But are you sure?"
Lois nodded and smiled. "I saw the doctor today. I sent flowers to the rabbit’s family with a nice condolence card!"
Everyone was laughing and hugging and congratulating the happy couple. The men ambled off to the library to break out cigars, but Lila invited the women to stay in the dining room to avoid the air pollution. As they enjoyed their dessert and coffee, the talk naturally turned to pregnancies.
Lois was reaching for her second helping of chocolate mousse. "I figure I can indulge now because it’s milk, and after all, I’m eating for two!"
Monica smiled at her. "Just remember your happiness now, dear. When you can’t see your feet anymore and you have to ask Ned to help you stand up from a sitting position, you won’t be as glowing!"
Brenda expected Monica’s cynicism. Her marriage to Allen had had its share of ups and downs, with the current state being in a "down."
Lila didn’t want a damper put on Lois’ evening. "Oh, come now, Monica. You were always beautiful, even when you were pregnant."
Monica gave a short laugh. "Well, your son certainly didn’t think so. He took one look at my bloated figure, oily hair, and swollen ankles and went out and had himself an affair." She rose from her chair and left the room.
Lila looked after her sadly. "I’m sorry dear. A pregnancy is a thing that is to be celebrated, and we are all so happy for you."
Lois understood Lila’s concern. She had really only invited Alan and Monica tonight for Ned since he was close to them. She knew Lila would be happy for them, and she knew Edward would be pleased at the prospect of a great-grandchild. Now if she could only understand Brenda.
Ever since the announcement, Brenda had been unusually quiet. She had initially hugged her, but now, particularly after Monica’s tirade, she had seemed to retire into a little world of her own. She knew seeing Jax at Jerry and Bobbie’s wedding had been rough on Brenda, but she thought she was finally moving on with her life. She finally attributed it to a "bad day," and tried to give Brenda some space to be lost in her own thoughts.
The next afternoon at the office, Brenda stared out the window. She realized Lois had probably wondered about why she got so quiet at the dinner the night before. Lois hadn’t said anything, and for that she was thankful. She had been lost in thought, and had decided to do something today to settle those thoughts and questions.
But now that they were settled, she had more to think about than ever. She still couldn’t believe it. That this would happen to her, for goodness’ sake. She thought it only happened to uninformed teenagers.
She swiveled back to her desk and stared at the calendar. She had stopped taking the pill after she broke up with Jax since she hadn’t expected ever to be that serious about anyone again. Her periods had been irregular, but that was common for women who had been on the pill. And with the stress of the break-up, and loads of stress at work, she had explained away the lateness of her period. But then she and Jax had been together the night of Jerry and Bobbie’s wedding, and they had been anything but careful. Thinking didn’t exactly enter into their activities that night.
Now, her period was extremely late, and her breasts were tender. But she attributed that to the messed up periods, and she had lost weight. Didn’t you gain weight when you were pregnant? Of course, she hadn’t been eating well since the break-up. And then, there were those periods of dizziness and nausea first thing in the morning the last few days. She could have gone to buy one of those home pregnancy tests, but in her current state of mind, she would probably do it wrong and get a false reading for a result. She could be worrying about nothing.
Last night at dinner, she had decided to settle the whole thing and go to a doctor on her lunch hour. Dr. Meadows would confirm that she was just suffering from stress and some kind of virus. That a sophisticated woman like her didn’t make mistakes like that.
Brenda swiveled to face the windows again. She let out a big sigh. All that Dr. Meadows had confirmed for her today was that what she had feared was true. She confirmed that Brenda was carrying Jax’s baby.
To be continued…