A Day in the Life of Nigel Liar-Beastly, Advertising Copywriter

by Stephen Fry, 1985(?)

I make my day start right-start bright with Lem-Zest Soap to give me a fresh, come-alive feeling all over first thing. I come down in my dressing gown after a closer, brighter shave from the Royston Five-Blade Razor - shaves you once, twice, three times and then twice more for that fresh, raw, flayed-alive feeling.

And then, to work. I'm a man who lives now, in the fast lane, so I use Turbo-Injection 2.3 SL aftershave, for the man who knows where he's going, and why. I drive to the limit, and wherever I drive I find empty bridges in London in the rush hour and avoid all the traffic. The Joneses, meanwhile, are still stuck on the flyover. The moral of the story is: if you want to be in the office before the Joneses, live in ad-land. "Arbeit macht frei", as they say in Germany.

I arrive at my office fresh and natural-looking, with my jacket slung over my shoulder the healthy way. Madeleine, my secretary, is a career girl on the move, and has more than a touch of feminine mystery. Essence de Coquette is her fragrance - mischievous, alluring, with a hint of danger. When she has to answer three telephone calls at once, fly to Geneva, look beautiful and listen to an irritating saxophone sound-track, she uses new double-action Promac, an all-over body spray that deodorises and provides effective relief for that locked-in headache. She stands nude with one arm upraised and sprays it on on a fine, back-lit mist. It goes on easily and is gentle on the stomach - that's the Promac promise.

As I drive back home at night in the driving rain, I'm thankful for DuraMist triple-action shampoo, tape cassette and disposable yoghurt. All the fat but half the taste, its carefully balanced formula leaves hair shiny, manageable and young-looking, complete with a selection of beautiful love songs, that Slim Whitman has chosen especially for you. And look!, you can simply throw it away.

Last thing, isn't it good to know that your money is safely invested in the Chelmsford's new high-yield, high-return, Instant Access Family Saver Income Bond. You could be earning this much money too, without doing a stroke of work or creating a single product. It's so simple, the Advertising way. For you, your family and your future, why not take a look at advertising. You can't earn more for doing less - that's the Advertising promise.

Contributed by the always helpful Mr and Mrs and Mrs Zambesi

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