Mr Bean's Greatest Poems

(from Mr Bean's Diary, the best-selling book of Mr Bean's year-long exploits, compiled my Robin Driscoll and Rowan Atkinson. Published by Andrews and McMeel, 4900 Main Street, Kansas City, MO, 64112. ISBN 0-8362-1760-8, Library of Congress 94-72372. Please go buy it this instant!!)


If there's one thing that's not fetching
It is the sight of someone retching
So at Grandma's please do be extremely careful
If you need to vomit after tea
Then in the toilet you should be
So as not to give your Gran a sticky earful

--MR BEAN (29 Sept 1993)


You'd better watch out
Cos if I see you about
You're going to end up in my mincer
Then, no mucking about
I'll scrape you all out
And do the same to your sister

--MR BEAN (26 May 1993)


There's a poetry test
I'm sure to pass
In Ms Rosemary Hosebury's
Poetry class
She's given us the title
"A Goddess Sublime"
Which will take no time
For the Prince of Rhyme (to do)


If there's anything in the world
That I would like to be
It's Shirley Bassey's microphone
So she could sing to me

I know she sings to everyone
When they come to hear her
But front row seats costs fifteen quid
And I would be much nearer.

Another thing that strikes me
About being up that close
Is that I could smell her perfume
And see right up her nose

I know microphones get dribbled on
But so what, what the hell?
It's a perk of the job when it's Shirley's gob
And I'd get in free as well!

-- MR BEAN (7-9 June 1993) 1