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Epideme
Series 7, Episode 7
EPISODE 7 -- EPIDEME
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
Version 0.7
6 - 8 March, 1997
Raz / raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk
http://www.mushroom.demon.co.uk
Credits for corrections:
[-- 1 - Int. Starbug Cockpit
----------------------------------------------]
[All present, at stations]
CAT
What *is* that thing?
KOCHANSKI
Astro-glacier. Allotropically modified, surrounded by an envelope of
luminous gases.
CAT
Thanks! That's most helpful!
[To LISTER:] What is it?
LISTER
To you: a big iceberg.
KOCHANSKI
I studied them in my first year in the Corps. but I've never seen one
up
this close before. Isn't it incredible? Look at those crystaline
formations... they're fabbaroo!
LISTER
You think all this sciency stuff's really interesting, don't you? I
bet,
at school, you were always the one with the right coloured pencils, and
the
impossibly neat handwriting. I bet even now you can probably tell us the
average rainfall of the oil-rich coastal low-lands of Venezuela...
KOCHANSKI
No I couldn't, I've no idea...
[BEAT]
Okay, three point four inches, so what?
Unlike you guys, my greatest accomplishment isn't a line on a loo wall
somewhere marking my highest ever pee.
KRYTEN
I'll have you know, ma'am, I too possess qualifications.
CAT
What qualifications have you got, meat tenderiser head?
KRYTEN
Why, I'm a fuly qualified Bachelor of Sanitation. You may not know
this,
sir, but many years ago I completed my course at Toilet University, where
I
studied the lavatorial sciences.
KOCHANSKI
Toilet University's just a piece of software, it's part of your core
program.
KRYTEN
I still had to complete a written examination to indicate the program
was
successfully installed. Most interesting. Did you know, for instance,
that
the first syphon-and-valve flushing system was patented in 1778 by Joseph
Brehman, whose U-bend curvature equations are still --
LISTER
Kryten!
KRYTEN
Yes, sir?
LISTER
Can this story maybe wait? Ideally until after I'm dead?
CAT
Well, speaking personally, I hardly didn't get no formal education at
all.
LISTER
No kidding, professor...
CAT
No, it's true, bud. That's why, sometimes, I don't know stuff.
Like...
well, practically everything.
KRYTEN
Was this because you brought yourself up, sir?
CAT
Right. There was no one else around, so I had to teach myself. And
seeing as I didn't know anything to begin with, lessons were long and slow;
especially on Thursdays when I had double nothing.
KOCHANSKI
So, what do we do about the ice..?
KRYTEN
Well, water supplies *are* low, ma'am. If the ice is uncontaminated,
it
might prove quite useful.
KOCHANSKI
Okay, standard S.E.P. scan and log.
KRYTEN
Locking on; scanning and logging.
Extraordinary...
LISTER
What is it?
KRYTEN
There's something buried deep in the heart of the astro-glacier - some
kind of object... it's huge; just processing.
LISTER
Well?
KRYTEN
It's a starship.
[-- x - Int. Docking bay within derelict
---------------------------------]
[ALL present]
LISTER
This place is harder to get into than an airline chicken kiev!
[-- x - Int. Chamber within derelict
-------------------------------------]
[ALL present]
KRYTEN
It's the 'Leviathan', sir, a 23rd century JMC supply ship. Engines are
dead: power overload; looks like they were running from something.
Wait! I'm picking up a lifesign.
LISTER
Are you absolutely sure?
KRYTEN
Certain.
[-- x - Int. Chamber within derelict
-------------------------------------]
[ALL present]
KOCHANSKI
I've never seen anything like this!
LISTER
You weren't around for my last party, were you?
KRYTEN
Look at their twisted, tortured faces! The sheer blind terror.
LISTER
Yaaaarggg! Aarrrg! Oh my god!
KOCHANSKI
What is it?!
LISTER
The back of my neck! Great big gob of ice-water!
It was wet and horrible!
[Exit KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, CAT]
LISTER
Went right down into m' crevice.
[Exit LISTER]
[-- x - Int. Chamber within derelict
-------------------------------------]
[CAT present]
[Enter KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN, CAT]
CAT
Hey guys, check this out!
There's a woman in there!
KRYTEN
Just locating her JMC ident chip... Ah. Caroline Carmen. According
to
the psi-scan, she was once a supply officer on Red Dwarf.
LISTER
I remember her - she got re-posted to Titan.
KOCHANSKI
You knew her?
LISTER
Yeah - she made a pass at me once!
KOCHANSKI
I don't believe you... a supply officer'd never go our with *you*.
LISTER
She did, actually. In fact, me and Karen had quite a thing going there
for a really long time.
KOCHANSKI
Caroline.
LISTER
Caroline, yeah. Karen's my *pet name* for her.
KOCHANSKI
I don't believe a word.
LISTER
Caroline Carmen and me, believe it! Sexually, we're just *so*
compatible.
In fact, while I was dating her, the two women in the quarters next door
nicknamed her Carmen Moans. You could ask her if she was still alive.
KRYTEN
She is, sir. The lifesign appears to be coming from this very spot.
LISTER
Does it? Ah, well, she might not remember me *immediately*, she might
have amnesia.
CAT
Amnesia?
LISTER
Yeah, ice does that. Gives you amnesia. Isn't that right, Kryts?
KRYTEN
Er, I don't recall hearing that, sir.
LISTER
Y'see? It's affecting 'im already.
Okay, let's get her back to the bug.
[-- x - Int. Starbug medibay
---------------------------------------------]
[ALL present]
KRYTEN
I've begun the water syphoning process from the Leviathan. Any change
here?
CAT
It doesn't make sense, bud. The ice won't melt, and this room's hotter
than an English beer.
LISTER
He's right. The temperature's been a constant ninety degrees, and yet
she's still completely cold and unresponsive.
KRYTEN
Ah, what about Miss Carmen..?
LISTER
I was *talking* about Miss Carmen...
KOCHANSKI
It's as if the body's generating the ice as a form of protection.
LISTER
Maybe we should just laser it?
KRYTEN
Reccommend we wait until the chemical analysis results are completed in
the morning, sir. Any hasty lasering could result in lasting damage to
the
body.
CAT
Do you really think she's still alive in there?
KOCHANSKI
She must be.
[-- x - Int. Starbug. Night
----------------------------------------------]
LISTER
Well, well, well, well... this is a bit of a turn up, isn't it..? Eh?
You just couldn't stay away, could you, Kris?
Hey, what're you doing? Hey, wait! What're you doing??
LISTER
And what makes you so damn sure I'm interested..? *You* dumped *me*,
remember? You think you can just jump in m' bed and I'm yours?
Well, as it happens you're right, but let me tell you, it was a pretty
close thing.
LISTER
Mmm. It's good to feel your sweet breath against my neck again...
LISTER
Smeg! It's Kryten! It's Kryten! Quick - quick, in the shower. *In
the
shower*...
LISTER
Smeg...
[Enter KRYTEN]
KRYTEN
Are you alone, sir?
LISTER
Yeah.
KRYTEN
Well, I just thought I'd come in and dust your quarters.
LISTER
It's two o'clock in the mornin', man!
KRYTEN
Ah, yes, well this *is* an *emergency* dust, you see, sir. My sensors
have picked up *vast* quantities of dust in this region and I simply
*must*
dust, right now!
LISTER
I'll take the risk, man!
KRYTEN
Ah, I simply can't allow that, sir.
KRYTEN
Ahh! Double bed mode... hmm...
I'll just, ahem, dust inside your wardrobe, sir.
KRYTEN
Under your spare bunk duvet...
KRYTEN
Hmmm... in your other wardrobe.
LISTER
Kryten, man, I'm trying to get some kip!
KRYTEN
She's *in* here, isn't she!
LISTER
I don't know what you mean, man...
KRYTEN
You promised me you wouldn't like her more than me! You promised!
LISTER
Kryten... listen, erm, look it's like --
KRYTEN
It's because she's got a better shaped head than me, isn't it!
LISTER
Not again, man, no! No!
KRYTEN
It is!
LISTER
I *like* your head!
KRYTEN
Not as much as you like hers!
LISTER
What are you talking about? You've got one of the all-time great heads
-
it's attractive, it's functional, it - it's almost perfect for carving a
sunday roast!
[Enter KOCHANSKI]
KRYTEN
She's in the shower, isn't she! *ISN'T SHE*!?
KOCHANSKI
Who?
KRYTEN
Miss Kochanski! Who'd you think!? Madam Curie??
KOCHANSKI
What is all this noise about? I can't sleep!
KRYTEN
Forgive me, sir. Shame mode. Excuse me, ma'am...
[Exit KRYTEN]
LISTER
How the hell did you *do* that..? Of course! You slipped out through
the
vent shaft, and dropped into the corridor - brilliant!
KOCHANSKI
What?
LISTER
You're a genius, an absolute genius!
KOCHANSKI
What are you doing??
LISTER
I'm unbuttoning your shirt...
KOCHANSKI
What are you doing that for?!
LISTER
'Cos we've got a little unfinished business!
KOCHANSKI
That was a *long* time ago, things are very different now!
LISTER
Look, he's gone - don't worry about Kryten; now come on, get y' kit off,
and I'll go and slip into m' Batman outfit.
KOCHANSKI
You really believe in being direct, don't you...
LISTER
Aww, come on, rumpy-pumpy, Kris - let's hit the springs?
KOCHANSKI
That's your idea of seduction, is it?? Well, forget it, Lister! Not
if
you were the last man alive...
LISTER
I *am* the last man alive.
KOCHSNSKI
I rest my case...
[Exit KOCHANSKI]
LISTER
What did I do wrong..? *What*?
LISTER
Oh! Duvet...
LISTER
Oh my god! Caroline! You've really let yourself go...
You could audition for about nine hundred Clearasil commercials!
LISTER
Sorry...
LISTER
God!
KRYTEN
Are you all right, sir!?
LISTER
I've just been molested by Tutunkamun's horny grandma! Of course
I'm not smeggin' all right!
Eurgh! The taste! I need to to go and gargle with a toilet duck!
KRYTEN
She's dead, sir - and, curious, it appears she's been dead for three
million years...
LISTER
Er, if she's been dead for three million years, where did the lifesigns
come from?
KRYTEN
Hmm, good point, sir; and, more to the point, where did they go..?
[-- x - Int. Starbug mid-section
----------------------------------------]
[ALL present]
LISTER
I feel really lousy...
KOCHANSKI
Oh, you're probably just in shock, don't be such a baby.
KRYTEN
Miss Kochanski, ma'am, if I may say so, your bedside manner leaves
something to be desired.
KOCHANSKI
Like what?
KRYTEN
Well, like a bedside manner!
LISTER
You think I'm a hyperchondriac?
KOCHANSKI
You're a man, aren't you? I mean, you all get the common cold and you
think it's malaria.
KRYTEN
Oh, and women, of course, are different?
LISTER
They just have a different perspective on pain, Kryten. As would you
if,
every summer, you had to pour hot wax on your crotch and rip out half
your
thatch.
CAT
He's right, I hate doing that.
KRYTEN
The tests are complete, and... there's, a foreign substance in your
blood,
and... well, I recognise the DNA, sir.
CAT
Is that good or bad?
KRYTEN
It's the epideme virus, sir. Er, a man-made parasite created as a
rival
to the nicotine patch. Epideme was an intelligent organism, designed to
block all neural signals relating to nicotine craving, but in practice,
it
also blocked the signals telling the body it needed blood and oxygen.
CAT
Is *that* why the Carmen chick looked like the centerfold from this
month's Playzombie?
KRYTEN
Precisely. It's virtually unstoppable. For the first forty-eight
hours
it consumes its host, then hijacks the corpse and goes looking for a new
victim... When it can't find one, it freezes the body and waits.
CAT
So, the lifesigns on the Leviathan --
KOCHANSKI
Didn't belong to Carmen, but to the parasite inhabiting her body...
Which
passed to you the moment she... well...
LISTER
Slipped her mouth-meat down m' gullet? I've been tongue-hockeyed to
death! In forty-eight hours I'm going to be deader than a Saturday night
in
Salt Lake City!
KRYTEN
There *is* one option, sir... I believe you might have a chance if
you,
well, reason with it.
LISTER
Reason with *what*?
KRYTEN
The virus, sir. After all, it is intelligent.
LISTER
Kryten, are you neural circuits picking up interference from the tumble-
drier again?
KRYTEN
If we can patch in the universal translator, it might just be possible
to
talk to it. I believe it's your only chance, sir.
[-- x - Int. Starbug medibay
---------------------------------------------]
[ALL present]
KRYTEN
It's a long shot, I know, but if we can reason with it, we might
pursuade
it to leave. Now, remember: be charming.
LISTER
Be charming to my virus... right.
KRYTEN
Patching in the U.T...
EPIDEME
Aaaand a great big "Hi!" to all of you out there in flesh-and-blood
land!
And tonight, Dave Lister, assistant vending machine sub-operative, and
spice
food conneseur, this is your *death*!
EPIDEME
Your line...
KRYTEN
I take it we're speaking with the epideme virus..?
EPIDEME
Give that man an eyebrow! Heyyy, I'm feeling generous, give him two!
KRYTEN
Well, er, maybe we should, um, can I --
EPIDEME
*Dave*... let's run down the rules. If you win: *you* get to live; if I
win: you get to die, and I take all your knowledge then I kill you...
LISTER
What? You absorb knowledge from every person you kill?
EPIDEME
So, as you can appreciate, killing you ain't exactly a career
highlight...
No offence, but when you're a virus there's not much call for knowing how
to
open a lager bottle with your *anus*.
LISTER
How can you justify killing another living being?
EPIDEME
How about that chicken you *biriani'd* last night? How can you justify
killing that??
LISTER
Me and the chicken... it was different.
EPIDEME
How's that, David..?
LISTER
Well, I'm a person, it was a curry.
EPIDEME
He died so *you* could go on living; is that so different from what I'm
doing?
LISTER
Of course it is! Totally! I'm a human being, Ihave certain qualities
that elevate me above poultry! I can think; I can play the guitar --
CAT
Better than a chicken? Are you crazy?
KRYTEN
We're losing the argument, sir! You better move on to another
subject.
LISTER
I'm the last guy alive!
EPIDEME
*And that gives you more right to exist than me..?*
LISTER
Well, yeah... because --
EPIDEME
Time for your species to check out, Davey. Arevaderche, humies...
[-- x - Int. Starbug mid-section
----------------------------------------]
[LISTER present, patched into the universal translator. EPiDEME virus
visible on it's screen]
EPIDEME
David, come on... you've got a virus; it's fatal - it happens. Doesn't
mean we can't be friends!
EPIDEME
Don't touch that dial!!
[Exit EPIDEME]
[Enter KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI]
KRYTEN
Sir, you know how you told us all to work on a solution to Mr Epideme,
no
matter how drastic?
LISTER
Yeah, what have you got, Kryts?
KRYTEN
A solution, sir, but, er...
LISTER
What?
KRYTEN
It's too drastic.
LISTER
Tell.
KRYTEN
Well, what we thought was - you see -
KOCHANSKI
We want to cut off your arm.
LISTER
You what??
KRYTEN
It's a stupid idea! I told you it was a stupid idea!
KOCHANSKI
It was your idea!
KRYTEN
Are you saying I'm stupid?
KOCHANSKI
No! I'm saying it was your stupid idea!
KOCHANSKI
It's our only chance to save you. It could be worse...
LISTER
What, you mean I could be planning a career in archery?
KOCHANSKI
You could be *dead*. Now, you said you'd consider anything, well, this
is
it.
LISTER
Can I have some details? Something a little bit more inspiring than
"can
I hack off your limb?"
KRYTEN
The plan is to inject anti-virals in a precise pattern through your
body,
forcing epideme into your arm.
LISTER
And then you cut it off. Great plan.
What choice have I got...
Okay, but make it my left arm, okay. 'Cause my right arm does all my
favourite things.
KRYTEN
Okay, sir.
KOCHANSKI
Let's go! Chop-chop!
KOCHANSKI
Sorry...
[-- x - Int. Starbug medibay
---------------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI present. LISTER present, unconscious on the bed]
KRYTEN
Injecting anti-virals.
KOCHANSKI
Okay, virus heading north. Grid coordinate one-oh-nine point four.
KRYTEN
Ah, the pancreas.
KOCHANSKI
One-oh-four point two, on my mark... Mark.
And heading for the left shoulder: Three-oh-nine point zero...
No, no, no, no! Three-oh-eight! Three-oh-eight!
It's heading away from his left arm - four-oh-six point nine... point
eight... four-oh-six point five...
Virus heading into his right arm --
KRYTEN
The right arm, it's our only chance.
Laser bone saw, sir, quickly! Amputation mode: cut and cauterise!
KOCHANSKI
It's not enough.
KOCHANSKI
Still not enough.
KOCHANSKI
Still not enough!
KOCHANSKI
Still not enough.
KOCHANSKI
Okay!
If this doesn't work, we're out of options.
CAT
Whether it works or not, it's gonna be a cold day in hell before touch
barbecue wings again!
[-- x - Int. Starbug medibay
---------------------------------------------]
[LISTER present, asleep on the bed. KOCHANSKI present, seated by the
bedside, reading]
KOCHANSKI
He's awake!
LISTER
My *left* arm..? My left arm, I said! That's my right; what kind of
navigation officer can't tell left from right??
KOCHANSKI
We did the best we could; I am *so* sorry.
LISTER
Where is it?
KOCHANSKI
We flushed it into space, we had to.
LISTER
Ohh, my right arm... I did *everything* with that arm; we were
inseperable! At least, I thought we were.
[Enter KRYTEN, CAT]
KRYTEN
Mr Lister, sir, you're awake!
CAT
Buddy, you look great!
LISTER
Oh, it's not your fault. You did what you had to do to save my life.
LISTER
You haven't saved my life...
KOCHANSKI
Seven per cent of epideme's virions have found their way back into your
body. They're currently multiplying exponentially.
LISTER
So, to sum up: all's I've got to look forward to now is death,
zombification, and then a quick, after-death snog with either you or the
Cat? You've given my arm - *my* arm - for nothing?
KRYTEN
Not nothing, sir! Based on my calculations, it's bought you
approximately
fifty-eight minutes more life.
LISTER
I - *What* am I gonna do with fifty-eight minutes more life??
CAT
Have half a juggling lesson?
LISTER
You're really not helping.
[-- x - Int. Sleeping quarters
-------------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI present, preparing LISTER's quarters for his return]
KOCHANSKI
Kryten, he doesn't like them like that.
KRYTEN
Well, begging you pardon, ma'am, I've been with Mr Lister for many
years
now. I don't need some 'Judy Come-Lately' advising me on his sleeping
arrangements.
KOCHANSKI
Kryten, in my dimension I co-habited with him... I think I know what
makes him happy in bed...
KRYTEN
So do I. A large packet of extra-spicy tortilla chips, and a really good
horror movie - preferably featuring some scantily-clad, kung-fu fighting
lady vampires.
[Enter CAT]
CAT
Hey, old five-fingers has checked out!
KOCHANSKI
Oh my god, you mean..?
CAT
No, not *dead*; checked out. He's gone. And about forty pounds of
Incinerex blasting plastic has gone missing from supply bunker seven.
You think there could be a connection..?
KOCHANSKI
Come on!
[-- x - Int. Starbug cargo hold ------------------------------------------]
[LISTER present, struggling to turn the airlock locking wheel and open
the
heavy iron door]
[ENTER KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, CAT, onto the gantry above the deck]
KOCHANSKI
What are you doing?
LISTER
I'm just popping down the corner shop. Does anyone want anything?
KRYTEN
Sir, please, come back. There is no reason to return to the Leviathan.
LISTER
It's the only way, Kryten. Get back over there, detonate this stuff,
and
destroy all traces of the virus. At least I'll rob it of the satisfaction
of killing me.
KOCHANSKI
Dave, close the airlock. What you're doing is *insane*.
CAT
She's right. You've already screwed up the ping-pong tournaments, now
you're gonna mess up the yo-yo championships too.
KOCHANSKI
Dave, don't go through that door! If you go through that door, I'll
never
speak to you again as long as you --
[Exit LISTER]
KOCHANSKI
Oh my god, just how *stupid* am I?
KRYTEN
According to my calculations, ma'am --
KOCHANSKI
Kryten, shut up!
[-- x - Int. Drive room aboard the Leviathan
-----------------------------]
[LISTER present]
EPIDEME
Hey baby, what's this? The Christmas special?
LISTER
That's right, man, yeah! And look what I got you: forty pounds of
Incinerex.
EPIDEME
It's macho, but it's not you. You get what I'm sayin'?
LISTER
Let's set the timer for five minutes, shall we?
EPIDEME
Er, Dave, hel-looo?
KRYTEN [VO]
Leviathan, this is Starbug. Come in, sir.
[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit
---------------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, CAT present]
LISTER [Mic]
Kryten, get Starbug well away from here! You've got five minutes.
KOCHANSKI
Dave, listen to me. Dave - my Dave - had a saying: "even the word
'hopeless' has 'hope' in it"...
CAT
Maybe you had to be there..?
LISTER [Mic]
What the hell did that mean?
KOCHANSKI
You *can't* give up!
LISTER [Mic]
I'm dead already. Use your eyes. I look worse than the Grim Reaper's
passport photo.
KRYTEN
Please give us more time, sir? The medicomp might still come up with
an
antidote.
LISTER [Mic]
There's no point. Look, I haven't... made a will... Kris? Under my bunk,
I want you to have the collection of songs I wrote about you.
KOCHANSKI
Collection?
LISTER [Mic]
Well, three. There's only two things that rhyme with 'Kochanski'; I
used
'underpantski' twice...
Kryten, to you I leave all my laundry. Hey, keep it clean for me man.
KRYTEN
Oh, sir, you're too generous.
LISTER [Mic]
Cat, you can have anything you want from my wardrobe.
CAT
I can? Great! I need some hangers!
[-- x - Int. Drive room aboard the Leviathan
-----------------------------]
LISTER
Sixty seconds left, epideme.
EPIDEME
Davvve, your heart says 'blow' but your brain says 'no!'. You're no
quitter - hell! - the people of this ship kept searching for a solution
right until the end! *They* never gave up.
LISTER
They didn't?
EPIDEME
Hell, *no*! They even overloaded their engines - so *sad*, 'cause they
were *so near*...
LISTER
So near... They weren't running *from* something, but *to* something...
Son-of-a-gun...
Kryten, man, change of plan!
[-- x - Int. Starbug medibay
----------------------------------------------]
[LISTER, KRYTEN, EPIDEME present]
KRYTEN
Er, sir, I've been meaning to ask: as you retain specialist knowledge
from
each of your victims, and as the two of us have no gripe, I was wondering
if
you'd be kind enough to fill in some gaps in *my* knowledge?
EPIDEME
Sure, shoot! I'm red hot in quantum mechanics, cell molecular biology
and
TV theme tunes! Ask me *anything*...
KRYTEN
Very well. One thing I've always wanted to know: who on earth *was*
the
fourth Marx brother?
EPIDEME
Zippo. *Easy*! Ask me a hard one.
KRYTEN
A hard one?
EPIDEME
A *HAAAAAAAARD* one... oouuugggh.
KRYTEN
Very well. How could Starbug's drive module be reconfigured to be made
more efficient?
EPIDEME
Re-route the pulse relays by the auxilliary conductor node and
transpose
all the prime numbers in the first line of the alphabet to the energy
equation. Thhbptptpt.
KRYTEN
And that would make Starbug more efficient?
EPIDEME
Thrrrreeee hundred percent faster!
LISTER
That's all we needed to know. The Leviathan was heading for Delta 7
for
the epideme cure. Trouble was, by the time *we* reached Delta 7 I'd be
dead.
KRYTEN
Unless we could work out a way of making the ship go faster.
LISTER
And now we have...
EPIDEME
Well I'll be the son-of-a-bacteria...
[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit
---------------------------------------------]
[CAT, KOCHANSKI present]
KOCHANSKI
How're we doing?
CAT
Like a speeding bullet stuck in the back end of a bat out of hell!
Going into orbit right now.
KOCHANSKI
Scanning surface... oh my god...
CAT
What is it?
KOCHANSKI
The planet, it's been flamed - there's nothing down there! Not a
building, not a plant... nothing...
[-- x - Int. Starbug medibay -------------------------------------------]
[LISTER, KRYTEN, EPIDEME present]
[Enter KOCHANSKI]
KOCHANSKI
You knew, didn't you?
EPIDEME
Heyyy, I had to do something to make Dave think there was hope. The
whole
planet was flamed to get rid of me! But I'd allrrrready left, in one of
the
Star Corps. medical engineers, who then made a housecall - to the
Leviathan!
[-- x - Int. Starbug medibay -------------------------------------------]
[LISTER, KRYTEN, EPIDEME present]
[Enter CAT]
CAT
How's it going?
KRYTEN
Life signs almost gone, sir.
EPIDEME
And in tomorrow's episode: Kris Kochanski has a nasty turn when Dave,
her
hilarious decomposing boyfriend, returns from the grave to infect her
with a
wacky, but charasmatic, virus!
Until then, good night...
[Exit EPIDEME]
[Enter KOCHANSKI]
KOCHANSKI
Okay, last roll of the dice. Dave, I'm gonna stop your heart, okay?
KRYTEN/CAT
What!?
KOCHANSKI [to LISTER]
It's the last chance to save you, *do you agree*?
LISTER
You're gonna prevent epideme from killing me by killing me..?
KOCHANSKI
I'll take that as a yes...
KOCHANSKI
Is he..?
KRYTEN
Dead!? Yes, ma'am!
KRYTEN
Er, careful Miss Kochanski, don't get too close to him!
KRYTEN
The epideme virus hass transferred to you! It's infected your hand!
EPIDEME
And the big showbiz news today is that, as expected, the long-running
virus, epideme, has been renewed for *another season*!
KOCHANSKI
Wrong, bug-head! You're *axed*!
EPIDEME
No... no! Yaaaaagggghhh!
CAT
Oh - my - god! Did you see that!? She - she -
KRYTEN
Miss Kochanski, ma'am! What - I mean - what - have you gone completely
insane?!?
KOCHANSKI
Kryten..!
KOCHANSKI
It was Caroline Carmen's - I injected it with blood and adreneline!
KRYTEN
That really is quite extraordinary...
KRYTEN
Clear!
KRYTEN
Clear!
LISTER
Ohh, where have I been?
KRYTEN
Well, for the last few minutes, sir, you've been dead...
LISTER
Wow...
KOCHANSKI
How did it feel?
LISTER
Ever been to Swindon?
LISTER
What's that for?
KOCHANSKI
For not staying dead!
KRYTEN
Germs.
[---------------------------- END OF "EPIDEME"
----------------------------]
[Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor
and Paul Alexander; no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended.
Comments, criticisms and corrections welcomed at
"raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk"
Thanks.]