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What NOT to Say During Moments of Intimacy

(pilfered from various web and media sources)
(with special apologies to Matt Groening)

  • Are you trying to be funny?

  • Have you gained some weight?

  • Remember: I don't want to get involved.

  • It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!

  • Uh oh... I thought YOU had the keys to the handcuffs.

  • Shame on you.

  • Could you go get me a beer?

  • Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?

  • O my lord in heaven forgive me this vile sin I am about to commit.

  • Oh Mark, I mean John.

  • WHOOPS!! Sorry.

  • When is this supposed to feel good?

  • You're good enough to do this for a living!

  • Oh mama mama mama!!

  • Careful... don't muss my hair.

  • I told you it wouldn't work without batteries.

  • Are you done yet?

  • Can you please pass me the remote control?

  • I forgot to tell you... I'm leaving for Alaska tomorrow.

  • [ring ring]
    Hello?
    Oh nothing. What about you?

  • And to think... I was really trying to pick up your friend!

  • M: MMM OOH BABY...
    F: [zzzzz]

  • On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

  • F:I love you.
    M: Oh God, let's not spoil it, okay?

  • You woke me up for that?

  • Did I mention the video camera?

  • M: This is your first time..right?
    F: Yeah... today.

  • Can you please pass me the remote control?

  • Do you accept American Express?

  • So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies.

  • Oh papa papa papa!!

  • I think you have it on backwards.

  • Did I remember to take my pill?

  • Hup two three four!

  • Did I tell you my Aunt Gertrude died in this bed?

  • No, really... I do this part better myself.

  • This would be more fun with a few more people.

  • You look younger than you feel.

  • And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!

  • How long do you plan to be "almost there"?

The Pleasure Dome is being erected in earnest by

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