Really dopey comments about each episode. go to Season 1, Season 2, Season 3, Season 4
SEASON ONE
THE WAY BACK- Blake musn't have a big wardrobe. He wears the same clothes throughout,
even in flashback. His lawyer is very dumb- falling for the 'old-traitorous
albino-with-flares-trick.' Are we sure Blake wasn't guilty of the Administration's charges? He
seemed pretty intimate with his first cousin. How did that prison guard change from a black
trooper's uniform into a blue ship uniform?
SPACEFALL- Where did Avon and Gan spring from? The guards are both vicious and thick.
You're guarding prisoners- wouldn't you think they'd try to escape? Nova didn't look like he
needed a shave. Sub-commander Raiker looks just like a guy on the Death Star Wars (was he an
Imperial deserter?). How come the window on the flight deck shows only a few (big) stars
when the monitor shows the Liberator, which is just outside and completely dwarfs the London?
CYGNUS ALPHA- How did Vargas turn green just before he exploded? Why did he explode?
Was he hiding fifty kilos of TNT underneath the spare tyre? Why did that look more impressive
on the edited video, The Beginning? I know a bloke called Mr. Antenna who can fix the V-Hold
on the teleport machine. Is the Curse of Cygnus Alpha like Bali Belly?
TIMESQUAD- Why do the crew watch the same picture of an aerial flare that Doctor Who
does in The Invisble Enemy? Who thought using a sound effect from a spud gun sounded good
when firing a Federation gun? If the reactor caused a meltdown, surely the effect would be a
little more than knock a few guards to the ground?
THE WEB- Geela and Nissan Novara must be what Goths will evolve into (after the vampire
stage). It is amazing how you can't see the forest from inside the base. Saymon is looking a little
anorexic. Perhaps he should eat some of that fairy floss holding the Liberator.
SEEK-LOCATE-DESTROY- Prell really shouldn't shave while Travis is talking to him. Can't
he see the man's in a bad mood? Cally obviously hadn't seen pantomime before she guarded her
prisoners (BEHIND YOU, BEHIND YOU!) Vila's esky must have been full of tinnies. I won't
mention the obvious one of why Blake and Vila didn't teleport inside the ARC fence. Dexter
from Perfect Match made his TV debut here as the security robot.
MISSION TO DESTINY- If the neutrotope is so secure, how come Dr. Kendal asks Sara to
fetch it? Won't the Sea Devils sue for breach of their patented gun design? How smart is Gan for
leaving the Neutrotope container on the edge of a table just before the Liberator traverses a
hazardous area of space?
DUEL-I think I see a nipple.
PROJECT AVALON- No wonder the crew never got anywhere in season four, as it is
revealed that Soolin is in fact a Mutoid. The virus must distort visual space as it eats away a
human- those restraints were all over the place. Doesn't anyone listen to Blake when he says to
look after someone? And how come no one heard the android whirring away until after someone
twigged?
BREAKDOWN- It's a good thing Blake didn't try to operate on Gan, that would have
invalidated the warranty. The mysterious area of space that Zen would not traverse is obviously
a Transit Lane and private spaceships aren't allowed.
BOUNTY- Having a Blake's 7 annual in the display case was not a good idea. Braces have
obviously been banned by the Federation but does that car run on super or unhydrogen? Cally's
jacket is obviously made from the skin of an animal she hunted on Saurian Major- a deadly vinyl
tiger. There are several Amagons but you never see more than one underling at a time (perhaps
the costume was a time-share). The water pistols they carry must be full of a toxic substance-
probably West Coast Cooler.
DELIVERANCE- Avon finds he is the subject of an ancient prophecy- to get a telecine
projector to show stock NASA footage. Jenna loses her teleport bracelet- What were the odds
of that happening?
ORAC-
Zen will bemuse,
Blake will amuse,
Servalan will abuse,
Jenna will cruise,
Ensor must choose,
Avon has the blues,
Cally's got new shoes,
Gan has no clues,
Orac's got bad news,
and Vila spews
SEASON TWO
REDEMPTION-Working Title: Easy Wrap-up. Lycra is such a flattering material- it hides all
manner of figure flaws. At last, the original, the best DSV. The sound effects man must have
been have an attack of schizophrenia- the guns have a different sound every round.
SHADOW- Working Title: Cheap-Jack Ending. The most fearsome drug in the galaxy-
Aeroplane Jelly. Jacko's sis is a junkie. Who's invading who? Vila goes on a bender. The
President's own guard need to go on a water-diet- badly. The moon compacts, or discs, or is that
compact discs? How can Cally befriend the Moon Discs and then watch as they 'burn the
president's garden' which is in effect burning the Moon Discs.
WEAPON- Who's a looney, then? Rashel strikes a blow for slave's rights but swaps psycho
chrome-dome for copy-cat flare-boy. The scientific premise behind Imipac is either very clever
or complete bollocks. Speaking of which, Brian Coucher is crap as Travis.
HORIZON- It is unfortunate that Ro's head bears an uncanny resemblance to that of HR Giger's
most famous creation. Blake to Kommisar: "Vidal Sasson?" Kommisar to Blake: 'Doctor Who?"
PRESSURE POINT- Working Title: Contract Renewal Blues. Vila will never be hit a car at
night. The computer cable minefield is about as dangerous as dental floss. Gan is buried by
lead-lined polystyrene.
TRIAL- Working Title: Behind You, Behind You. Gan's gone but do we miss him? Zil's
oneness is Hannibal Lector. Brian Coucher, wait for it, acts, period. Thalia must be Kate Moss'
mum. The title refers to the viewer's struggle with all scenes involving Blake. Tosh!
KILLER- The title refers to a remark made by the director after seeing the costume designs for
the first time. But however did the Costume Designer manage to find enough plastic supermarket
bags? "London's Burning" -starring the Michelin Man. Its amazing how long it took
between Mark I and Mark II Wanderer Class ships. The Mark I mustn't be all that bad, one still
managed to crash into the Nova Queen while another managed to destroy the Nova Queen's
sister ship, Star One, the following season. Olag Who?
HOSTAGE- Blake slips the tongue in with Inga. The Crimmos can't be all that clever- they still
wear Kellog's Variety packs on their shoulders. I wish someone would get round to pulling out
the nails from Cally's feet - She spends an awful long time at the teleport controls without a
toilet break. It was nice of that Ice Warrior to come back and get blown up in the vacuum in
space when the Crimmo was teleported there.
COUNTDOWN- Yet another sound effect for Federation guns. 800 years in the future and
Black and Decker still hasn't come up with a more streamline drill. Couldn't they have just held
the bomb upside down?
VOICE FROM THE PAST- Working Title: The Curse of the Mummy. Ven Glynd must have
has extensive plastic surgery or else he was Blofeld. Blake gets tinitus from a video cassette.
The Atlay conference centre is where they film Gladiators.
GAMBIT- Sign on the Casino entance- "Must look like Genitalia to Enter." Elderly lap
dancers with appalling accents don't encourage me to patronising a casino. Speaking of
patronising- Jenna and Cally do what they should have done sooner- fight to the death. Why did
Blake's attorney come back from the dead just to be shot by Trav. Nice of Docholli to sniff the
last of the anasthetic just before this show. No wonder Travis' arm doesn't work- it's made from
shampoo bottles. The vis-fx team should have nice hair considering the amount of hair-care
products they used in the series.
THE KEEPER- Working Title: Jenna Does Something. How nice of the producers to secure the
services of Frank Zappa to play the jester. The Goths are imposters- they are too tanned and
well-fed.
STAR ONE- One item of merchandise never released was the alien playsuit- It consisted of
three litres of pond scum. Whoever's idea was it to represent an alien warfleet with toilet duck
bottles? Travis' suit is filled with talcum powder. The X-Files before the X-Files. End on a
poem.
'Travis.'
Liberator, Liberator, Where are You?
I want to fill you with my hot plasma bolt
To destroy you, though you're not at fault
Blake, Blake, Where are You?
You fill me with hate and a rage
Yet I feel your death is a mirage (?)
Jenna, Jenna, Where are You?
You do nothing yet there's a price on your head
Don't kill Tarvin, you should have shopped Blake instead
Avon, Avon, Where are You?
Everyone says you a are computer genius,
Also that your head is up your anus.
Cally, Cally, Where are You?
Invaded by more that just an alien entity
Your presence is one without an identity
Orac, Orac, Where are You?
1001 010010 11 1001 110 0111 01101
1001 100011101 11101 1101 1101 110
Vila, Vila
Everyone confuses you with a house,
When you're just a complete souse.
SEASON THREE
AFTERMATH- Working Title: Have Guns, Will Orgasm. Intergalactic War? Bollocks more
like. A little more thought by the editor might have produced a better battle, one that didn't pit
heavy battle-hotels up against 700 year-old freighters or luxury liners against self-destructing
pursuit ships. The Mellanbys are complete gun-freaks. Hal must find it very difficult to sleep on
his stomach without going blind. Dayna's sis is as wooden as the arrows. Why is the version on
the compilation video better viewing? I always remembered English being After math.
RATING: Liberator Vs the Frying Saucepans.
POWERPLAY - Working Title: New Blake Lite. Avon doesn't do his Trekky End-of-Act- Acting
in the recap like he did at the end of Aftermath. Blake has lost a lot of weight since last season
and he doesn't look as imposing in that Federation suit. If Vila and Cally are to be exterminated,
why are they allowed to keep their teleport bracelets on? Ho hum, a new sound effect for the
Federation guns. BBC Baldy John Hollis gets another gurnsey. RATING: Dirty Vila, Crazy
Dayna.
VOLCANO- Working Title: Big Zit on the Side of the Planet of Castrata. Poor Dayna's
wonder-pants that lift and boost. Killer Water-Pistols!!! Robots made out of wetsuits and
cardboard look about as interesting as a geiger-counter made out of a toilet roll and two
milk-bottle tops (Oops! Shouldn't give away BBC secrets like that).
RATING: National Lampoon's European Volcano.
DAWN OF THE GODS- Working Title: Migraine Midget. Silliness in all things. The Thaarn
looks like he need aspirin- badly. Is Avon off his head or what? I'd think he'd have a better
chance in the Liberator than out in space in a suit (Maybe there aren't any airbags). Vila really is
a dork in this one.
RATING: The Wrath of Thaarn
HARVEST OF KAIROS- Working Title: Kairopanfinger. It takes a full ton in the back. The new
Kairos Utility. Seriously, apart from the monster, it's not as bad as its reputation. Jarvik is as
misogynist as they come, but then, so is Avon. Vila: "The
Old-Federation-Troops-In-The-Kairopan-Containers trick. That's the second time I've fallen for
that this month." The Sopron is cool, they way Jarvik gets killed isn't.
RATING: Kairos Misconduct.
CITY AT THE EDGE OF THE WORLD- Working Title: New Blake City. Perfick. It's a pity Colin
didn't play the Sixth Doctor as he did Bayban. He might still be there. The danger is, it exposes
Paul Darrow's tree-like acting method. Vila plays hide the salami, lucky for him he's on the
wagon.
RATING: Kill Everybody!
CHILDREN OF AURON- Working Title: Placenta Centre. A new twist on the evil twin routine-
the boring twin. Servalan's attempts to reproduce are fascinating when you think what would
happen if the kids started crying in the supermarket. After the collective death of the Auron
people, how can they laugh at the end of the episode? Infanticide, genocide and placentacide.
RATING: To Servalan with Love.
RUMOURS OF DEATH- Working Title: Rumours of Continuity. Be warned- Paul Darrow attempts something he's
never done before- act. Viewers of a nervous disposition should refrain from watching. Anna
Grant is an even bigger cheat than old Servalan.
RATING: Anna and the King of Ham.
SARCOPHAGUS- Working Title: Cally gets possessed, again. Perhaps ring makers for the
BBC could make them as rings! Dayna's pipes get an airing-written by Burt Bacharach and Hal
David.
RATING: Night of the Living Dead.
ULTRAWORLD- Working Title: Auditions for The Baldy Man. Cally and Avon have they brains
sucked out whereas Dayna and Tarrant are asked to perform a variation of that with a slight
variation in spelling. Giant Testicle tries to absorb the Liberator.
RATING: For the World is Shallow and I have Swallowed a Fly.
MOLOCH- Working Title: Surplus Space:1999 script. What a load of old guff! Would you
believe a super-evolved human inside a computer?
RATING: The Dirty Half-Dozen plus One.
DEATHWATCH- Working Title: One of our Tarrants is Charming. The name's Tarrant. Deeta
Tarrant. Isn't he the guy from Home and Away, the one who's always hungry? John Travolta is a
Vinny. That sidekick from Doogie Howser was a Vinny. Mark Elliot doesn't even look Italian.
RATING: True Git
TERMINAL- Working Title: To Servalan, with Love. Love those gorilla-grams. Who are the
prats with the silly wigs? The Liberator seems to sprout "Slime" from every orifice. Are
Federation troops really so blind when they see the condition of their new acquisition? They
should have gotten a Roadworthy. What was the warranty like?
RATING: Blake House.
On the Planet Auron, There are Telepaths
On the Planet Earth, They're ruled by psychopaths
On the Planet Crandor, They calculate with pencils
On the Planet Sardos, They used Tarrant as a stencil
On the Planet Obsidian, The Pyroans are quite mad
On the Planet Kairos, Spiders have enormous gonads
On the Planet Sarran, Chel rules with an iron fist
On the Planet Teal, Deeta shot at Vinni and missed
On the Planet Chenga, The Nurses use euthanasia
On the planet Ultraworld, The Ultra have serious exzema
On the Planet Sardos, Moloch shows us things to come
On the Planet Keerzan, Vila finally does ****
SEASON FOUR
RESCUE Working Title: Plagiarism of Dorian Grey. In the months since the last season, the
former crew of the Liberator have managed to turn Terminal from an egg to a sphere. Dorian is a
pig- or is it just that his performance is pure ham? Sea Devils Rule! From now on in you can
play Spot-whether-the-guns-have-ammo-and-if-they-do-then-are-the-magazines-in-the-eight-way?
POWER Working Title: Operation: Fix Teleport. The Seska and their deadly sound effect, the
Hommix and their silver-painted plastic suits. Dorian obviously didn't trust Soolin enough to
give her the password to reset the nuclear charge. Does this mean Seskas are VIRGINS?!
TRAITOR- Working Title: This Pylene 50 is making me thirsty! Love those toy stormtrooper
guns with a bog roll stuck to the top. And Avon's old suit on Tarrant. Davros! Pylene 50 sounds
like a haemerroid treatment. Knight Two!
STARDRIVE Working Title: Jump in my Spaceship. The Space Prats are an inspired creation
taking all the most vapid stereotypes of bikies and melding them with worn cliches to create a
melange of meteoric mediocrity. That's the second most unconvincing scream I've seen in a BBC
SF drama this month!
ANIMALS- Working Title: Animals Horribilus. Brings the quality of Space:1999 to Blake's 7.
Og- good name. Must have taken all of the thirty seconds to come up with that one. Spot the
guest star not deemed necessary to appear on location. Spot the script written for Cally but
clumsily rewritten to suit Dayna and ignore all the questions of paedophila. One line cut due to
comprehensibility AVON: 'Shit! We'd better get away from these engines before the exhaust
blast burns us up!'
HEADHUNTER Working Title: Shoulder Pads. Muller really shouldn't have lost his head like
that and attacked Tarrant. Where did they get the groovy space-suits from? Blind and Tasteless?
ASSASSIN Working Title: The blonde does something. A red herring? Piri is cancer? I should
have realised when her shrill tones made me bring up my lunch. Just remembering her voice is
making me feel a little... Excuse me..............
GAMES- Vila's solution to the finger-print scanner means I would never trust one such device
should it appear at the service station.
SAND Working Title: Sand is a cheap Monster (aka Servalan and Tarrant get Laid) As close to
flawless as B7 ever did. Chasgow looks rather like a student at Cambridge in the late 70's.
Those fluro tube-lightsaber lights might have seemed a good idea at the time.
GOLD Working Title: The Caper. Never get paid with Monopoly money
ORBIT Working Title: Let's Ham! The rather... interesting relationship between Egrorian and
Pinder suggests they should have 'done an Ellen' to boost ratings.
WARLORD Working Title: Superlative Wig. Cool direction from a chap who moved on to better
things- namely Neighbours.
BLAKE Working Title: Blake and Vila (Deceased) Quentin Tarantino meets the BBC. The
closest thing to a splatterfest and probably the best episode of Blake's 7 in ultimate terms. Only
Arlen disappoints.
Death Toll
Dorian died, killed by Avon
Pella died, killed by Avon
Dr Plaxton died, killed by Avon
'Animals', murdered by Allan Prior
Muller's Robot, destroyed by Dayna
Cancer killed, by her own poison
Belkov killed, by Gambit
Servalan kissed, by Tarrant
Scorpio crew, diddled by Servalan
Vila almost ejected by Avon
Zeeona killed, she wore string back gloves in a poisonous environment
Blake died, killed by Avon
Avon wins, hands up.
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