Daria and all related characters are the property of MTV productions
Apache Summer
Written by
Steve Mitchell
(It is June twentieth, It is the last day of school for the year. Daria and
Jane are seen walking down the side walk after their last class. It is hot out
so Daria is actually seen wearing a short sleeve shirt and no jacket. Jane is
wearing a red Tank top, her usual shorts, and no leggings for once.)
Daria: Thank god schools over. I don't know if I could stand another day in
DeMartino's class without committing justifiable homicide.
Jane: You Thought his class was the worst? Hell, I thought you would have
picked Ms. Barch's class as a place to go postal.
Daria: All I can say is at least it's over.
Jane: Until September comes around again in which case It'll start AAAAAAAllll
over again.
Daria: Rub that salt in a little deeper why don't you.
Jane: Well I didn't want you to get all exited. Your to perky for your own
good as it is. (Daria looks at her, Raises an eyebrow, then continues walking
until they get to Daria's house.)
Jane: By the way how come were going to your house instead of mine as usual?
Daria: Two reasons. One, It's the last day of school which means Quinn will be
at a party somewhere. And Two, the A.C. works at my house.
Jane: I see said the blind man. As he looked down at his dead dog with no legs
named cigarette because he liked to go out for a drag.
(They arrive at Daria's house only to find That Quinn IS in fact home along
with both parent's. Quinn can be heard as they open the front door.)
Quinn: Were taking a vacation for the whole summer! This is Sooo great. Where
are we going? I hope it's someplace exotic with a lot of cute boys and.......
Helen: Daria, Your just in time we were just telling Quinn That your Father
and I are going to take a vacation for the summer and...
Quinn: Wait a minute! Your not taking ME? That's not fair!
Daria: Actually Quinn That would mean That we'd be here... alone. Typically
That's something YOU can't wait for.
Quinn: Ughhh, why do I even bother talking to you.
Daria: I've been pondering THAT little question for years.
Jane: So you two are taking a vacation. That's Great, where are you going?
Jake: (sounds excited) Hawaii
Quinn: You guys are going to Hawaii without ME?? Mo,om (sighs) well at least
it will give me a little freedom.
Jake: Uh actually .....
Helen: ACTUALLY Quinn, you'll be spending the summer at fashion camp.
Quinn: What!!!! But none of my friends will be there. I'll be all alone. You
Just CAN'T.
Helen: Well we are so you better get used to it. Your father and I desperately
need some time alone and after that weekend party you threw last summer when
we went away I'm afraid we simply CAN'T leave you alone.
Quinn: But mo'om
Helen: No but's young lady you leave this weekend.
Quinn: I hope you Know your ruining my whole summer.
Daria: (as Quinn is seen running up to her room) Aw, no party's for you. I
guess I'll have to savor the peace and quiet all by myself. (Actually smiles
at this)
Jake: Actually Daria... (Daria's smile immediately changes to a frown) You'll
be going somewhere for the summer as well.
Daria: You've got to be shitting me. I'm the one you can trust remember. The
responsible one.
Helen: We do trust you sweetie. It's just that we didn't want you to be all
alone for the summer.
Daria: Sure, deny me the one thing that would make my life bearable. (Sighs)
So where is this prison to which you are sending me?
Jake: Remember when your friends sister gave you flying lessons last year.
Daria: (Doesn't like where this is going) I remember vomiting out the airplane
window.
Jake: (Isn't listening as usual) Well Daria....
Helen: (interrupts) Well your father found out that his old military academy
is hosting a sort of summer camp flight school.
Jane: Your sending Daria to Jake's old military academy for the summer? Isn't
that a form of torture in some countries?
Daria: Yea, like this one.
Helen: She's Just going for flight school. She's not going to enroll in the
academy. (Beat) Your awful quiet Daria. How do you feel about all this?
Daria: (Thinks for a minute) I would have to say..... you suck what for how
much?
Helen: What was that?
Daria: I'm not going.
Helen: Daria TRY to be open about this.
Daria: Open to the fact that your shipping me off to summer camp so I won't be
home alone?
Jake: (Start's thinking. You can tell by the scent of smoke in the air)
Hmm.....how about if we let your friend come with you. Would that make it more
bearable for you?
Jane: Um, I think it's time for me to go running. See ya. (Jane begins to walk
to the door)
Daria: At least you have somewhere to run TO.
Jake: (to Jane) We could make it sweet for you.
Helen: Jake what the hell...
Jake: Let ME handle this.
(Jane stops in her tracks)
Jane: (sounding diabolically interested) Elaborate on that a little.
Jake: Well here's the deal. You go with Daria to this flight school for the
summer, we'll pay your way and I'll throw in something extra on the side.
Jane: (raises an eyebrow in interest) Just how much is something extra? (Daria
looks amazed that her friend is extorting money out of her parents)
Jake: Fifty
Jane: A hundred
Jake: Seventy five
Jane: A hundred
Jake: Done (Jane smirks evilly)
Jane: So when do we leave?
Helen: (rolls her eyes and Sighs) This weekend
Jane: Come on Daria, let's go to my house and see what my brother is up to.
(Jane drags Daria out the door.)
Daria: (scowls at Jane) What the hell was that all about?
Jane: Relax, I would have come with you anyway. I'm not about to let you roast
alone in the new level of hell that your parents have just created for you.
Daria: I guess ten levels wasn't bad enough. They had to create a new one for
me.
Jane: Yea, besides as long as Jake was attempting to bribe me I figured I'd
see how much I could get. A hundred bucks buys a lot of paint.
Daria: AH, You have learned much from me grasshopper. Soon you will take over.
(Jane gives an evil grin)
(Cut to Jane's house)
Trent: Your doing what for the summer?
Jane: Going to flight school with Daria. I guess you'll have to get used to
the Idea of having the house all to yourself. Whenever you happen to be awake
that is.
Trent: bummer.
Jane: Relax, Daria will call you when she get's the chance. (Daria glares at
Jane)
Trent: cool. (smiles at Daria)
(Cut to Huxton Ridge. Jakes old military academy)
(Daria and Jane are seen being dropped off at the military academy by Jake and
Helen)
Helen: By girls. Have fun and be careful.
Jake: Yea, and stay away from the kitchen sink stew.
Daria: (waving good by) yea, yea, yea. Don't let the door hit ya where the
good lord split ya.
Jane: (Yelling as they drive away) Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
Daria: (turns to Jane) IS there anything you wouldn't do?
Jane: Probably, I just haven't found out what it is yet.
(They turn around and walk to the registration building. As they enter the
building Daria spot's an all to familiar sight standing near a table with a
clipboard in his hands. The figure looks up at Daria and stares for a second.)
Daria: Oh my god, (beat) It's Buzzcut.
Jane: Come Again?
Daria: It's Mr. Buzzcut. He was my science teacher back at Highland
Jane: Why do I suddenly feel a migraine coming on?
Daria: It probably has something to do with the fact that this guy used to be
a marine. He's so rabid he makes DeMartino look like a cute little puppy.
Jane: I'm starting to think I should have asked for more money from your
parents. A lot more.
Buzzcut: (a look of recognition comes over his face) Daria Morgendorffer! (In
his typical drill sergeant tone) My god woman it has been a long time. My
class has not been the same without you.
Daria: Well.....that's good to know.
Buzzcut: And who is your friend? (he looks at his sheet then looks up) Jane
Lane I take it?
Jane: Once perhaps...in a former life.. (Buzzcut hands them both packet's of
papers)
Buzzcut: You will both be in barracks three. I will be by there in fifteen
minutes to get everybody squared away so move your ass. (Daria and Jane
quickly walk off to find their barracks)
Jane: Jesus, you weren't kidding about him.
Daria: Afraid not. (They continue walking)
Daria: So if you were Jane Lane in a former life. Who are you now?
Jane: I'm still deciding.
(Cut to Barracks three. Daria and Jane can be seen coming through the door.
They stop and look around. Four other people can be seen at their bunks)
Daria: Well I can see that the barracks are unisex now.
Jane: (already eyeing up one of the guys) yea.
Daria: (looks at Jane) Let me guess. Just browsing right?
Jane: You know me well. (beat) Hmm, I guess we should grab a bunk. (Daria and
Jane look around to see that there are only two bunks left.)
Daria: Six to a barrack, what small flight groups they have.
Jane: The easier to single you out my dear. (They both take a bunk and begin
to get settled in)
(Buzzcut enters the room along with five other instructors)
Buzzcut: (Drill sergeant tone) Good afternoon people. I am Mr. Buzzcut. I will
be one of your instructors for the duration of your stay here. Your other
instructors are (points to them as he calls their names) Mr. Sikes, Ms.
Shultz, Mr. Burns, Ms. Sisko, and Mr. Chen. For the next two and a half months
we will be responsible for your education as a pilot. Should you succeed here
you will be issued licenses and you may proudly call yourselves pilots. Any
Questions?
Daria: (to herself) Yea, how do I get the hell out of here. (Jane chuckles)
Kid 1: Mr. Buzzcut, what type of aircraft will we be training on? Cessna?
Sandpiper?
Buzzcut: (chuckles) No son. You will not be training on any of those wimpy
aircraft. You will be learning to fly one of the U.S. Military's most advanced
helicopters. Mr. Sikes, why don't you give the students here an Idea of what
they will be dealing with.
Sikes: Student's follow me. (Sikes leads them out of the barracks and into a
nearby hangar. Then flicks on the lights)
Student's in unison: Oh SHIT....
Sikes: Ladies and gentlemen. This is the AH-64 apache attack helicopter. This
is perhaps one of the meanest choppers in the U.S. arsenal today. It is
equipped with Laser targeting systems, G.P.S. navigation, pulse Doppler radar,
and Forward Looking Infrared Radar or F.L.I.R. You will learn these systems
and how to use them while flying this aircraft. And you'll use them as if you
where going into combat. The reason for this is when engaged in combat you
must learn to think and react quickly. That is how you must be able to handle
your aircraft in the real world. It will make things a fair sight easier for
you to address unforseen problems.
(Moans come from the group)
Sisko: Come now people, as callus as we seem we are not without heart. It is
true that you will be training on these aircraft five days a week. However,
and this was not mentioned to your parents, you will be free to go out on your
own on the weekends to do as you wish provided that you check in at the times
specified on page four of your packets. It's just a formality to make sure
your not dead yet. Other than that you will be required to stay at this
facility at all other times.
(The students are led back to their barracks)
Jane: You were right. Your parents did create a new level of hell just for
you.
Daria: Yea, they must have thought it would make me feel special.
Jane: I thought low self esteem did that for you.
Daria: That's you remember.
Jane: Oh yea. (They get back to the barracks where everyone reclaims their
bunks)
Buzzcut: Now that the introduction is over I expect you all you familiarize
yourselves with the packets that have been given to you. You will find the
information in there useful for tomorrow. And in the process of your studies
you may acquaint yourselves with your bunkmates. (Buzzcut turns and leaves the
barracks)
(Daria opens her packet and finds a flight manual, a systems guide for the
apache and various information sheets on the program they are in.)
Kid 1: (to Jane) Hi, I'm Mike Cobretti, and you are?
Jane: Jane Lane. And hiding behind me here is my partner in crime Daria.
Cobretti: Cool name Daria. Listen as long as were doing the introduction thing
here I'd like to introduce to you my sister Eleni. (She leans forward from her
bunk and waves)
Jane: Siblings huh, how did you two end up here?
Eleni: Our parents wanted time to themselves so they shipped us here. How
about you? (Daria and Jane just look at each other)
Jane: You see Daria, your not the only one tortured by your family. All this
time your parents have had their evil twins torturing these people.
Cobretti: all righty then, (beat) anyway, our final two contestants over here
are Dom Calebrese (he sits up at the sound of his name) and John Mitchell
(Just yells yo as he continues to read his book)
Daria: Interesting bunch.
Calebrese: (Calls over from his bunk) That's for damn sure
Cobretti: Don't mind him, I think he was deprived as a child.
Eleni: Deprived.... you mean deproved. (Daria chuckles at this)
(Cobretti stares at Daria for a moment, cocks his head to one side, pulls
Daria's glasses down to the edge of her nose and looks at Daria again.)
Cobretti: You know Daria...you've got some lovely eyes. Especially when you
smile.
Daria: (blushing) Er..Um...Thanks (Daria gets up and quickly walks to the
bathroom)
Jane: (evil smirk on her face) You move quickly don't you?
Cobretti: What? I was only stating a fact. (shrugs his shoulders and begins to
read the apache systems manual)
(Cut to the next morning)
(Everyone is filing into a classroom with maps posted on the wall along with
cutaway diagrams of the apache. Mind you that the time is six o'clock in the
morning. Many of the students are trying coffee for the first time as a result
of this. A majority of the students are so not used to getting up this early
that they haven't even groomed their hair. Jane is no exception to this.)
Jane: (puts her head down on her desk) We have now entered hell.
Daria: (applying pressure to her sinuses) Please keep your hands and elbows
inside the car.
(Buzzcut and Sisko enter the room)
Buzzcut: (shouts) Good morning people. I trust you slept well. (Moans and
groans come from the class as they struggle to wake up.)
Sisko: (equally as loud) Did you all have a chance to review the material?
(Doesn't wait for a response) Excellant! Then we shall begin with chapter one,
Navigation and Instrumentation.
(The students remain in this classroom all day long breaking only three times
for stretching and personal reasons. The class finally lets out at six in the
evening)
Jane: (groans) Oh my god, we have to do that five day's a week.
Daria: Thank god for air conditioning.
Jane: Thank god for SLEEP
Cobretti: It could be worse.
Calebrese: How the hell could it possibly be worse?
Cobretti: I don't know. I just Know it could be.
Eleni: My brother the optimist. Listen I don't Know about you guys but I'm
going to my bunk to fall down.
Calebrese: I'll join you.
Eleni: Only in your wettest, wildest dreams. (Daria and Jane chuckle)
Calebrese: I'm there already.
John: (impersonating the Jerky Boys) Oh my god, this is tearing the ass out of
me. (Calebrese and Cobretti snicker uncontrollably at this)
(That same routine, plus or minus a few events, continues for the rest of the
week as they advance through the chapters. Finally the long awaited weekend.)
Daria: This place is pure hell, and it's only been a week.
Jane: yea, but take it this way. It's the weekend and we can cut loose for a
while.
Daria: I guess. What are you going to do?
Jane: Cobretti and the others are going to shoot some pool. They wanted to
know if you were coming.
Daria: (sounding curious) They?
Jane: Okay, Cobretti wanted to know.
Daria: I'm not very good at pool, the closest I've ever come is trying to push
Quinn into one..
Jane: Well, this will give you a chance to familiarize yourself with the game.
Now come on, It'll give Cobretti a chance to admire your eyes some more.
(Daria looks down a little. Jane senses that something is amiss)
Jane: You miss Trent already don't you.
Daria: What?
Jane: Trent tends look at you the way Cobretti did, (Beat) Usually from a
distance where you can't see it.
Daria: I guess I miss talking to him.
Jane: Well that's a start. Come have some fun with us. It'll make you feel
better.
Daria: Oh all right. (They both get up and leave for the pool hall in town)
(They meet up with the other student's at a pool hall called the Cue Club.)
Calebrese: Hey Daria, Glad you could make it. Grab a cue were about to set up.
Daria: (sighs) I Guess. (Goes to the rack on the wall and selects a cue as
does Jane)
Daria: Listen, I'm not very good at this.
Cobretti: That's cool, well keep the game simple until you pick it up.
Jane: Alright then, let's get started. (Racks the balls and then breaks
sinking four of the solid colored balls on the first shot)
Daria: When the hell did you learn to play pool so well?
Jane: Wind showed me a few things before his marriages.
Cobretti: He show you any other tricks?
Jane: Play me and find out.
Cobretti: ooh, a challenge. I love it already. (Jane takes her next shot but
misses on purpose so she could see how good the competition was. Cobretti
takes his shot and rebounds a striped ball off of four separate corners before
finally sinking two balls.)
Jane: Impressive. (The two of them commandeer the pool table and begin a
competition with each other that lasts the remainder of the night.)
(Later that night. The rest of the crowd has cleared out by now. Just the six
of them remain)
Eleni: (while holding a drink in one hand and a pretzel in the other) How long
do you think they can go with this?
Calebrese: Damned if I know but it looks like it could be while.
Daria: Did anybody check in yet? It's coming up on one o'clock.
John: (comes over from playing video games) Yea, I called in for us about an
hour ago. (John looks over at Cobretti and Jane still playing pool.) Jesus,
are they still at it.
Daria: Yup, doesn't look like their going to quite any time soon either.
John: (spots a juke box in the corner) (to Daria) You having fun yet?
Daria: Herds. Why?
John: Well I just happened to notice that there is a cd player over in the
corner and I was curious to know if there was anything you wanted to listen
to.
Daria: Let me guess, that's your best pick up line isn't it?
John: No, Actually I could probably come up with something better but I
figured I'd go with sincerity first. Sooo, would you like to listen to
something?
Daria: (apolageticly) Hmm, I don't know. What have they got?
John: Interesting question. Let's find out.
(They look through the case looking for cd's)
John: Hmm, Not much of a selection here.
Daria: Not unless you're a Jeff Foxworthy fan.
John: Well, there IS a couple of things here worth listening to. (He selects a
few cd's and hits the play button. Enter Sandman by Metalica begins to play.)
Daria: That works. (They go back to the pool Table and bullshit with the
others for the rest of the night until the pool hall closes and they get
kicked out because Jane and Cobretti didn't want to stop playing.)
Eleni: Okay so what now?
John: Well, there's an all night diner up the street a ways. Anybody Hungry?
Jane: Sounds good to me. I'm starving.
Daria: I thought artists were supposed to be starving.
Jane: Yea, but that's just when their working on a project. Any other time we
eat like there's no tomorrow.
(They head over to a place called Jane's Diner)
Calebrese: Hey Jane check it out. Your in the food business.
Jane: Cool, let's find out what I'm serving. (They enter and seat themselves)
(A waitress comes over and takes their order's. Daria actually orders
something other than dry toast and tea. The wait for their food is
surprisingly short)
Eleni: So....is anyone actually getting anything out of this program yet?
Daria: That depends. Does learning how to maneuver my way over and under
bridges with a flying tactical weapon count?
Cobretti: Hmm,... under the circumstances I would have to say yes.
Daria: Well then that clears it up for ME. I wasn't sure at first. (Cobretti
chuckles)
(The six of them continue to eat their food and talk for the next few hours.
The sun can be seen beginning to peek over the horizon)
Eleni: Damn it's late.
Jane: Or early, whatever
Cobretti: I guess we'd better head back.
Calebrese: Do we have to?
Cobretti: Afraid so.
Calebrese: Nooo..... (Sobs fakingly on Daria's shoulder. Jane is trying her
best not to laugh)
Daria: (patting him on the head) (Monotone voice) There....There....There will
be other weekends.
Calebrese: (pretends to blow his nose) Okay.
(They head back to their barracks and sleep halfway through Sunday. This type
of activity, classes and otherwise continues for the next three weeks.)
(Cut to The classroom at six in the morning. The student's by now are
beginning to get used to this schedule and are now semi awake when they enter
the classroom.)
(Buzzcut enters the room and makes his presence known by slamming the door and
waking everybody up completely.)
Buzzcut: (Usual drill sergeant tone) Good morning class. I hope you are ready
for a change in pace today. (class groans) So far you have learned the systems
of this aircraft and your flight skills from your manuals. Now it's time to
see if you can put all that knowledge to good use. Today you will all begin
training on the simulators.
Calebrese: (perks up) Alright! video games
Eleni: Now you should see us in our truly natural habitats.
Jane: You mean vegging out in front of a tv screen killing brain cells while
trying to compete with a computer?
Eleni: That's the one.
Jane: wahoo!
Daria: Such enthusiasm for a young artist.
Buzzcut: (rolls his eyes) Follow me people. (He leads them to the simulation
building. When they arrive they find the other five instructors waiting there
for them.)
Buzzcut: Ok Ms. Sisko, You may take it from here.
Sisko: OK people, listen up. This is the apache simulation unit. This thing is
state of the art. It will do everything that the apache will do....and it will
also do everything your opponent might do. So look sharp and concentrate on
the task at hand. Which is learning to fly these mean bastards. (She begins to
issue flight suits and helmets)
Shultz: OK people I will now assign you your instructor and a simulator. Mike
Cobretti, your with Sisko in unit one. Eleni Cobretti, your with Sikes in unit
two. Dom Calebrese, your with Mr. Chen in unit three. John Mitchell, your with
me in unit four. Jane Lane, your with Burns in unit five. Daria Morgendorffer,
your with Buzzcut in unit six. Alright, change into your flight suites and
report to your simulators. (All leave for the locker rooms, change and
promptly return. We can see that each flight suite has that persons name on it
along with a patch on the sleeve that says NOVA SQUADRON. We can also see that
on their helmets are new call sign's which were chosen by none other than
Buzzcut himself printed on the forehead of the helmets)
Daria: (Looking at her helmet and reading the call sign) Cynic? Maybe there is
justice in the world after all. Jane what did you get?
Jane: Hmm. Apparently my new name is Thumper.
Daria: Thumper? Where the hell did they come up with that?
Jane: (Stomps her foot) Dammit, how the hell should I know.
Daria: What did everybody else get? (They all look at their helmets)
Cobretti: Viper
Calebrese: Razor
Jane: Why Razor?
Calebrese: Probably because I keep cutting my self shaving.
Jane: You sure those aren't just subconscious suicide attempts brought on by
being dumped in this hole for the summer?
Calebrese: Pretty sure.
Jane: How about you Eleni.
Eleni: (turns the helmet around to show them) Airwolf
Daria: Let me guess. It's Because of the wolf picture on the back of your
jacket right?
Eleni: That's my guess.
Daria: John how about you?
John: Reptile
Jane: How in the name of god did they come up with that ugly ass name?
John: Actually it was my choice. I'm a Mortal Kombat fan.
Daria: (Deadpan) I never would have guessed.
Buzzcut: Enough with the chit chat people seconds are ticking here. Let's go,
let's go. (Everyone trots to their simulator and Joins their instructor.)
Buzzcut: Okay Daria, you will now enter this simulator. (Pointing as he goes)
Step here, here, here, and here. Do NOT step here, here, or here. Now climb on
in. (She cautiously enters the simulator which is needless to say lacking in
extra space. Buzzcut instructs her on the proper way to strap in. That same
scenario is repeated with the other student's as well. Actually speaking in a
normal tone once he closes the hatch) Okay Daria, let's get this thing fired
up. (Speaks into his mic.) Okay control give me program novice one.
(The screens where the windows should be come to life and we can see by the
image being displayed that she is sitting on the runway with all systems up
and running)
Buzzcut: Okay cynic, lets see what you've got.
Daria: (takes a deep breath) Okay, but by saying that you wave all right's to
sue me in the afterlife if I kill us all. (With that Daria pushes the throttle
up and pulls back on the stick. We can see the apache lift off the ground
successfully and rise slowly to an altitude of fifty feet. Daria is very
nervous and tense.)
Buzzcut: (Speaking in a soft tone believe it or not) Relax Daria, This is a
simulator. If you make a mistake the worst that can happen is the simulation
could end. Now take some deep breaths, loosen up and flow with it. (Daria does
so and begins to feel a little better.)
Buzzcut: Try not to hyperventilate ok?
Daria: (slows her breathing) OK.
Buzzcut: Ready?
Daria: uh-huh.
Buzzcut: Okay, take us up to two hundred and fifty feet and set a course along
bearing three one seven. Try to hold your altitude and make your velocity for
eighty knots.
(Daria is able to do this successfully although her speed tends to fluctuate
from time to time. She does this along with random maneuvers as instructed by
Buzzcut until she gets a feel for the aircraft. In the simulation Daria is
following a river bed)
Buzzcut: Daria, do you see that bridge up ahead?
Daria: Yea.
Buzzcut: I want you to slow down and bring us to a hover directly parallel one
hundred feet from that bridge. (Daria is successful with this.)
Buzzcut: Okay Daria, let's try a little free flight but be on guard at all
times. (Daria moves away from the bridge, selects a random coarse and fly's
off on her own heading. Daria is actually beginning to enjoy herself.
meanwhile Buzzcut has switched com channels and is arranging for the control
room to rig some surprises. Daria is oblivious to what Buzzcut is doing. She
is busy dodging trees, telephone wires, and the like)
Buzzcut: (calls out) BANDIT inbound six o'clock high.
Daria: (blurts out) What??? (She looks to her left to see tracers passing the
canopy and then a Mig twenty nine screaming by)
Buzzcut: Evasive maneuvers. (Buzzcut goes silent from this point as he watches
her reactions)
Daria: OH SHIT. (She frantically looks around the instrument panel and pushes
the master arm button Then looks around for cover. Daria does a one eighty and
begins to run for a nearby tree line only to find the Mig coming back at her)
Daria: For god's sake have a heart man. (She finds the weapon selector switch
and selects a stinger missile and attempts to lock up the incoming Mig.)
Daria: Come on you son of a bitch, work. (Daria hears a tone signaling a good
lock and fires. The missile comes off and destroys the Mig.)
Buzzcut: (breaking his silence) Excellent work!
Daria: I was no where near ready for that.
Buzzcut: Like I said, you have to think quickly. Okay that's enough for this
morning take us back. (Daria successfully lands back at the simulated airfield
and the simulation ends.)
Buzzcut: Daria, now that this ordeal is over are you ready to be critiqued.
Daria: (Deadpan once again) Oh joy. Can't wait.
Buzzcut: Believe it or not you made few mistakes for a first timer. One, you
forgot to obtain clearance to lift off from the tower. Two you forgot to
obtain clearance to land. And Three you need to control your speed a little
better. That's it. Not bad for your first run.
Daria: I probably could have handled that better.
Buzzcut: Don't sweat it. I haven't met a first time student yet who didn't
shit themselves over that run. (Daria smirks at this and obviously feels a
little better. Buzzcut exits the simulator followed by Daria. Eleni, John, and
Jane had finished before Daria and can be seen waiting for the others.)
Daria: Aw, you waited up for little old me, how thoughtful. (Eleni chuckles
but John looks confused)
Jane: So Daria how did you do?
Daria: Forgot to get clearance to lift off and land. Other than that I think
it went well. You?
Jane: Crashed and burned on the runway.
Daria: Crash and burn. Icky. Eleni How about you?
Eleni: Shot down. I never even saw him coming. (Daria looks at John)
John: About the same as you.
(The door to Cobretti's simulator opens and he get's out with a pissed look on
his face.)
Eleni: Well?
Cobretti: I tried to fly with the monocle down and I crashed into some power
lines.
Jane: Feeling a little deep fried are we?
Cobretti: More like medium well done. You know, a little crispy on the outside
but still intact.
(Yells are heard coming from Calebrese's simulator as it moves wildly about)
Calebrese:* Cook em', clean em', fry em', smash em', slice em', dice em',
(Screams) all gone bye bye.
Jane: Well HE's certainly having fun.
Daria: Hopefully with his razor, then we won't have to hear him gloat about
his escapades.
Cobretti: (chuckles) Good one Daria.
Daria: mm...thanks.
(They all wait for Calebrese to finish and then they head over to the
cafeteria to get something to eat before their next run in the simulator. The
group continues to practice in the simulator twice a day for the next three
weeks and in the meanwhile they all become rather adept pilots)
(Cut to The tarmac at the far end of the academy grounds. The students are all
lined up on the tarmac along with their instructors. In front of them are six
apache helicopters lined up and ready to go.)
Buzzcut: Students...you have all performed outstandingly up to this point but
I think now it's time for the real thing. For the record You will not be
carrying any live ordinance. The rocket pods you will be carrying are equipped
with photo strobes. It'll work sort of like laser tag. Your thirty millimeter
chain gun is armed only with tracer flares. They are harmless but provide for
good effect during a mach engagement. Also for the record you are NOT
authorized at this point to engage your teammates. I am merely informing you
so that you as pilots are completely aware of your situation. Is that
understood? (The reply of "you bet your sweet ass chuckles" comes from the
entire squad.)
Buzzcut: (Trying not to laugh at their reply) Then let's get them in the air.
(They each walk to their assigned chopper with their instructor and climb in)
(Cut to interior Daria's apache)
Buzzcut: Alright Daria call out the procedure as you go.
Daria: (Begins flipping switches and typing on a small keyboard.) Battery on.
Synchronizing G.P.S. navigation systems. Initializing laser designation
systems. Doppler radar and FLIR are now on line.
Buzzcut: Very good, now lets see if the bastard will kick over. (Daria pushes
a few buttons and begins to play with the throttle. We can hear the engines
begin to moan as the they come to life and the rotors begin to rotate faster
and faster.)
Daria: We've got a good start. All systems good start. (doesn't wait for a
prompt from Buzzcut) Tower this is cynic, request clearance to lift off.
Tower: Cynic you've got a ten knot crosswind from the southeast and you've got
broken cloud cover at angels one zero. You are clear to lift off. (At that
Daria pushes up on the throttle and lifts off while pitching forward to clear
the pad so the others can safely lift off. She moves just outside the airfield
and hovers while waiting for the others. Com chatter can be heard in Daria's
headphones as everyone else get's under way. Buzzcut cues up his mic as every
one joins into formation)
Buzzcut: Listen up everybody. While in the air it is not only required but it
is tradition to refer to each other by their given call sign. Got that?
(Doesn't wait for a reply) Maintain this formation and follow my instructions
at all times.
(The squadron moves off to the south while still maintaining formation)
Jane: Cynic/Thumper. I'm over at your one o'clock a little low. (Daria turns
her head to see Jane's face as she lifts up the sun visor built into her
helmet)
Daria: What's up Thumper?
Jane: I was just going over our flight plan and it looks like were going to be
practicing right over Lawndale.
Daria: Cool. Hmm, since we can't engage each other maybe if were lucky we'll
spot Kevin's Jeep on the road and we can engage him.
Schultz: (who has been listening the whole time Keys up his mic) Cynic/Cougar.
don't even think about it.
Daria and Jane: DAMMIT!!!
Jane: Oh well it was a thought.
Daria: And it's a thought you should cherish for the rest of your life.
Jane: Engaging Kevin?
Daria: No, Making him shit himself while we give him a close encounter
experience.
Jane: I like it already.
Eleni: Cynic/Airwolf. what's so big about Lawndale anyway.
Daria: It's our home sweet hell which we someday hope to escape.
Eleni: What could be so bad about it.
Jane: Two words. Morons and Fashion fiends.
Eleni: Those are good reasons.
Calebrese: Cynic/Razor. It can't be as bad as my hometown.
Daria: And where pre` tell is that?
Calebrese: Vincentown, New Jersey. Smack dab in the middle of the pine
barrens. Hell where I live the nearest store is six miles away. Red neck city
man.
Jane: Ouch, you win.
Daria: Thumper/cynic. check it out it's (Imitating Mrs. Li) Laaaawndale high.
Jane: Figures, and us without live weapons.
Buzzcut: Rattler/squadron. Listen up. You will each divert to the new headings
I designate and engage in free flight. Hone your skills as pilots but don't
get reckless understood. Cynic, Thumper This is your area. Airwolf, Viper take
heading two one seven and head out for Twenty five miles. Razor and Reptile
take heading one one seven and head out for the same distance. Everyone report
back to these coordinates in one hour from my mark. (Looks at his watch) Mark!
(Everyone splits off to their own destinations.)
Buzzcut: Cynic/Rattler. Okay kid This is your time now. Show me your stuff.
Jane: He's not talking about those Tommy brand shorts of yours is he.
Daria: God, I hope not.
Jane: Yea, only Trent has seen those. (Flash back to earlier in the year when
Trent accidentally walked in on Daria while she was in the bathroom. Daria
blushes as she snaps back to reality)
Buzzcut: (chuckles) Just fly already.
Jane: Cynic/Thumper. You in the mood for some follow the leader?
Daria: What?
Jane: Keep up with me if you can! (Jane peels off to the left and descends to
one hundred feet.)
Buzzcut: Well?......Go get the little shit.
Daria: (Sighs) You got it. (Flips down her monocle. Daria peels left and also
descends to one hundred feet and comes up directly behind Jane)
Daria: Thumper/Cynic. Now what?
Jane: Try and keep up. (She drops even lower and begins to dodge trees and
telephone polls)
(From Daria's P.O.V we can see Jane's apache maneuvering around various
obstacles at low altitude. You can also tell by the moving scenery in Daria's
front windshield that she is pitching and yawing trying to keep up with Jane)
Jane: Cynic/Thumper. Why don't you Take the lead for a while. (Jane pushes the
throttle to max R.P.M.'s and pulls into the vertical. As she reaches the peak
of her ascent and becomes inverted she rolls the chopper over and banks hard
left so she can descend directly behind Daria.
Daria: Mother F.....
Buzzcut: Damn, that was good. (Daria looks ahead to see that they are rapidly
approaching The high school. Just as Daria passes over the school she slams on
the brakes and drops her altitude to just below that of the school roof. Jane
is to close to react in time and overshoots. Daria then pitches seventy
degree's nose down and begins a hard acceleration after Jane.)
Daria: Thumper/Cynic. I'd much rather have you in front. It's easier to lock
my weapons on to you.
Schultz: Okay Knock it off. Hold your position along the highway. We'll wait
for the others here. (Daria pulls up along side of Jane and they both slow to
a hover over the highway running past the school at an altitude of one hundred
fifty feet.)
Jane: Cynic/Thumper. You having fun yet?
Daria: Beats a bonus sock.
Jane: How true. (Jane spots a lone vehicle coming down the road)
Jane: Cynic/Thumper. Look out at your three o'clock. Is that who I Think it
is.
Daria: (looks off to her right) By god it's upchuck.
Jane: (pleading to both instructors) PLEASE, if you never do anything else let
us have this most worthy of all targets.
Buzzcut; What in the hell makes you think we would allow a violation of FAA
regulations like that to occur.
Jane: He's an obnoxious, sexist, stuck up......
Daria: (interrupts) He's worse than Beavis and Butthead. (Nothing but silence
comes from either instructor for at least a minute. Obviously both of them are
familiar with those two names.)
Shultz and Buzzcut: Clear to engage.
Schultz: But make it quick and then haul ass out of here.
Jane: YES!! (Both of them bank to the right while gaining altitude. We see
both Daria and Jane pushing the master arm switch and then selecting the chain
gun. They swing around low behind upchuck's car which is still speeding down
the highway with the driver oblivious to what's going on behind him. Upchuck
is startled when a military helicopter appears on either side of him. He let's
out a shriek and then stomps on the gas until he pulls away from them. Unknown
to Charles this is what they want him to do. Daria and Jane open up on him
sending tracer flares whistling past his car as he swerves back and forth
across the road while screaming the whole time. Daria and Jane Break off and
as far as upchuck can tell they have disappeared. They however are actually
seen heading back to rendevous with the rest of the squadron.)
Jane: (Quickly) Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. You have no Idea how
satisfying it was to get even with that twirp. Do you know how many times he's
pinched my butt over the last few years?
Buzzcut: Call it my contribution to pest control. In the meantime keep your
mouths shut about this. (They meet up with the others and head back to base)
(As they approach for landing Jane spy's the tank sitting in the parking lot
in front of the registration building)
Jane: Cynic/Thumper. I've got a little surprise for you when we land.
Daria: You mean you brought me upchucks car riddled with holes.
Jane: You'll see.
Daria: You would keep me in suspense.
(Cut to the Tank)
(Trent and Jesse are seen sitting on the hood of the Tank watching the
squadron approach for landing.)
Trent: I wonder which one's Daria's.
Jesse: I don't know. They all seem to fly the same.
(After the squadron lands Jane walks Daria out to the parking lot while still
in their flight gear.)
Daria: Trent!! You came all the way up here to visit us?
Trent: It was Janie's Idea. She wanted to surprise you. (Daria Glares at Jane)
Daria: (to herself) mm yea I'd like to give her a surprise of my own.
Jesse: What?
Daria: Great to see you. (Daria looks away from Jesse only to find herself
staring deeply into Trent's eyes for the next few minutes.)
Jane: Well don't get all mushy on me. Come on I'll show you the barracks.
(They walk to the barracks and Jane gives them a quick tour)
Jane: Okay, Beds, bathroom, ceiling, floor and these are the other members of
the team. This is Mike, His sister Eleni, Dom, and John. Everybody this is my
brother Trent and his friend Jesse. (Everybody says Hi and shakes hands.)
Cobretti: You guys gonna shoot some pool with us tonight?
Trent: Uh, actually we were gonna hang out somewhere. Thanks though.
Cobretti: It's cool. Have a good time.
Daria: Give us a minute to change out of these flight suits and we'll get out
of here. (Daria walks to the locker room)
Jane: Trent, why don't you go help her out of that thing. (Trent glares at
Jane)
Jane: What? (Jane walks to the locker room and the both of them emerge later
in their ususal garb.)
Daria: Let's go. (They all walk to the tank, pile in, And leave)
(Cut to a lake not far from the academy. Everybody is seen piling out of the
tank. It is dusk now)
Trent: I'll get a fire going.
Jane: Good idea Trent. You never know if we might want to burn the woods down.
Jesse: I'll unpack the food.
Daria: Let me get this straight. You guys planned a midnight picnic?
Jesse: It was Trent's idea.
Trent: Yea well, we sort of got hungry on the way up here and as long as we
were stopping for food any way.
Jane: (get's the point) Aww, you thought Daria might be hungry. How
thoughtful.
Daria: (Scowling at Jane) Your eager to die aren't you? (Trent lifts an
eyebrow in interest, then proceeds to get a fire going)
(Later the fire is well under way. Jesse and Jane can be seen cooking several
hotdogs on a stick. Trent is tuning his guitar and Daria has fallen asleep on
Trent's shoulder. She gives a little shiver as a cool breeze begins to blow
off of the lake. Trent Silently motions for Jesse to get a blanket from the
tank. He does this and places it around Daria as she still lies there
sleeping)
Jane: (looks at Daria asleep on Trent's shoulder) Dammit, talk about a Kodak
moment. where's a camera when you need one.
(With this Daria wakes up and Trent Glares at Jane. Daria realizes where she
has been sleeping and quickly moves)
Jane: (offering a hotdog) Hungry?
Daria: (yawns) Yea, I could go for a wiener right now.
Jane: Oh hell, in that case you should have stayed where you were sleeping.
(Daria looks at Trent and blushes. Jane just hands Daria a hot dog) Here you
can settle for this instead.
(After they all eat Jane get's up and drags Jesse off into the shadows to be
alone for a while. Leaving Daria and Trent alone by the fire.)
(Trent resumes tuning his guitar. Daria shivers again and pulls the blanket
closer, then decides to attempt a conversation)
Daria: Nice tattoo. A new one right?
Trent: Yea, another copy out of tattoo world.
Daria: cool. Um...Thanks for coming up here. I needed a break.
Trent: Yea I figured. Janie called and told me about how much of a hell this
place was. She also said you guys managed to have some fun.
Daria: (Chuckles) We shot up upchucks car from the air with tracer flares.
Trent: (does his laugh/cough) Is that what he was pissing himself about? He
thought UFO's were out to get him. (Daria start's laughing)
Trent: (sighs) I love the sound of your voice.
Daria: (Blushing) Really?
Trent: Yea, It calms me down, helps me think. You know that sort of thing.
(Daria unconsciously inches closer to Trent)
Daria: Really?
Trent: (puts his arm around her) Yea, I've always felt comfortable talking to
you. You actually listen to me. (Daria closes her eyes and places her head on
Trent's shoulder. Trent runs his fingers through her hair a little bit and
they Just sit by the fire and relax while listening to it crackle and make the
shadows dance. Daria dozes off again and Trent admiringly watches her sleep.)
(Later Daria opens her eyes but does not move. She see's Trent sitting next to
her watching the fire. She looks up and see's her head is still on his
shoulder and for some strange reason which she could not fathom at the time
she whispered into his ear.
Daria: I love you (then she kissed Trent lightly on the cheek.)
Trent: (looks at Daria with a smile to large to fit his face) I Know....I love
you to.
(They spend the rest of the evening cuddling in front of the fire until Jane
and Jesse come back)
Jane: Did anything happen while we were gone?
Trent: Just peace, quiet, and an evening by the fire. (Jane raises an eyebrow
in suspicion. Trent and Daria continue to hold each other close and Daria soon
dozes off again.)
(Jane looks at her watch, then goes to the tank, grabs her cell phone and
checks in with the academy. After that she climbs into the Tank and tosses out
the two sleeping bags that are always kept in the back.)
Jane: Two to a bag, get in them while their warm. (Trent and Jesse unravel the
sleeping bags and place them on the ground a little ways from the fire.)
(Trent Places Daria's sleeping body in the bag lies down next to her and Zips
it up to keep them warm. Jane and Jesse crawl into their bag and fool around
until they doze off.)
(Cut to the next morning)
(Daria awakens to the sounds of birds on the lake, looks over at Trent
sleeping next to her and opens her eyes wide. She is almost shocked until she
begins to remember the activities of the previous night. At which point she
calms down and begins to smile. She lies back down next to Trent and pulls him
closer. Jane who is already awake watches from her sleeping bag and mumbles to
herself
Jane: (mumbling) About Damn time.
(They hang around the lake for the remainder of the day and then head back to
the academy)
Jane: so, have fun?
Daria: Uh huh.
Jane: I wonder what your parents are up to.
Daria: If my guess is right my mother couldn't drag herself away from her
cellphone so they probably came home early.
Jane: If that were so why didn't they come to get you out of here?
(Cut to the Morgendorffer house. Jake can be seen chasing Helen around the
bed. Neither one of them is wearing anything.
Jake: ooh foxy lady (Helen is heard Laughing)
(Cut back to Daria and Jane)
Daria: (Shivers) Let's not go there.
Trent: (Calling back from the drivers seat) So what's on the agenda?
Jane: Well our final is this Wednesday. It's supposed to be a be a red Flag
exercise between Nova squadron, That being us, and the instructors.
Jesse: Have they given you much experience in those things?
Daria: It's been mostly the simulator, but since they started us on the real
thing we've been going up three times daily for mach engagements.
Trent: cool.
Jane: Listen Trent. Do you want to pick us up after we graduate? We can tell
the Morgendorffers that we have another ride home.
Trent: Anything for Janie.
Jane: Cool.
Jesse: Your sure your going to graduate?
Daria: As long as we don't crash.
Jane: You mean on purpose or accidentally?
Trent; (chuckles) Good one Janie.
(Cut to Wednesday. The second week of August. Red flag day. Inside the
classroom. Everyone is dressed in their flight suits and ready to go)
Buzzcut: Alright, listen up The rules of this engagement have been explained
to you. In the event of a kill on either side the aircraft will puff smoke
signaling the kill. By the time you lift off we will have already been in the
air for some time and will be waiting for you...somewhere. Just remember This
particular engagement is not about winning or losing but how you handle your
aircraft. Any questions?... (doesn't wait for a reply) Good hunting people.
(They all get up to report to their aircraft. While the students are
inspecting their aircraft before flight. The instructors can be seen lifting
off in smaller faster super cobras.
(The squadron enter's their aircraft and prepare to take off. This time Daria
is paired with Jane, Cobretti with Eleni, and John with Calebrese
(Daria and Jane have finished their pre flight sequence and fire up their
apache. Daria is seated in the pilots seat toward the rear of the cockpit.
Jane is up front as the weapons officer)
Daria: (keys up her mic) All teams check in.
John: Reptile and Razor, ready to go
Cobretti: Viper and airwolf ready
Daria: Cynic and Thumper ready to kick ass. Tower this is nova squadron
request clearance to lift off.
Tower: Nova squadron you have clear sky's, a calm wind and unlimited
visibility. You are clear to lift off. Good hunting.
(Nova squadron lifts off and begins to head to the south west where the
terrain is mountainous.)
Daria: Hold formation until spot them. Then proceed to kick ass.
Jane: Since when are you so enthusiastic about all this?
Daria: Since I was given the opportunity to shoot down one Mr. Buzzcut.
Jane: (Remembers all the wake up calls he gave at the beginning of his classes
in the morning.) AHA, so it's payback is it.
Daria: Damned straight.
Jane: I LIKE IT!!
Eleni: Contact, single bandit, range thirty miles at bearing two three zero.
Jane; Airwolf/Thumper. where's the other two?
Eleni: I don't Know. I only see one of them on the screen.
Cobretti: Bait, the others are probably waiting just out of sight. Reptile,
break high and right. See if you can come up on his six.
John: Right, see you on the flip side. (He breaks off to the right)
Jane: Coming up on high terrain. And the little bugger is still sitting pretty
in one spot.
Daria; Are we close enough to lock weapons?
Jane: Almost, I... (an alarm is heard over the intercom. Daria and Jane look
to their left to see their wingman puffing smoke.
Eleni: They got us. Returning to base
Jane: Dammit (looks behind her to see two cobras on their tail.) Get us the
hell out of here.
Daria: (begins evasive maneuvers) Where the hell is Reptile?
John: Cynic/Reptile. I waxed the bait and I'm coming to you.
(Jane checks their six only to see tracers flying past the canopy)
Jane: You might want to do some of that pilot shit about now.
Daria: Hold on I'm about to pull a Jane Lane. Just be ready to nail that terd.
(Daria pushes the throttle to max rpm's and pulls vertical until she goes
inverted and then rolls out and banks hard left dropping in behind one of the
two cobras)
Jane: (watches her console until she get's a lock and fires. The supercobra
puffs smoke and returns to base) (laughing) Oh my god the quarterback IS
toast.
Daria: Don't gloat yet where is that third cobra?
Jane Even more interesting is where is Reptile?
John: Coming up on your two o'clock low.
Daria: Where is that third cobra? Did you bag him?
John: No, he must be hiding in the terrain somewhere. I'm going to go see if I
can find him. (He breaks off to the right and accelerates in a new direction.)
Jane: Oh sure, leave us why don't you.
Daria: Okay.. looking high, looking low, find me a snake in the tree's so I
can wedge a missile up his ass. (Jane busts out laughing. Suddenly tracers
come whistling past the canopy)
Jane: (checking their six) Damn, there's Buzzcut. Haul ass woman. (Daria
begins a series of complex evasive maneuvers but the cobra is still on their
tail)
Daria: (as they pass by a small cliff) I think he's almost got us!
(Immediately after passing the cliff Reptile appears from his hiding spot
behind the cliff and opens up on Buzzcut with the chain gun)
John and Cobretti: (yelling into their mic) Surprise bitch. (Buzzcut breaks
off and begins to run. Reptile quickly ducks out of the way to reveal Cynic
and thumper swinging around to take position)
Daria: Lock him up, lock him up!!
Jane: (Selects the rocket pods) Good night chuckles! (Fires and the cobra
puffs smoke, then proceeds to return to base)
Daria: Rattler's dead.
Calebrese: Yehaw!
Jane: (imitating Jim Carey) I have EXERCISED the demon. (Takes a breath) This
house is clear.
(Calebrese pulls a walkman out of his flight suite, pops in a micro CD and
plays the Top Gun anthem.)
Calebrese: I thought this would be fitting music if we won.
Jane: works for me. Let's head home.
(Cut to the graduation ceremony later on. Everyone has received their licences
and are now posing for a group photo. Daria as usual has a straight face and
her arms are crossed.)
Mr. Chen: Alright everybody say apache. (As he snaps the picture the group
quickly makes their own gestures. Jane grabs Cobretti and puts him in a
headlock. Daria poses as if she's about to shove her boot up Jane's ass, John
and Calebrese quickly plant a kiss on each of Eleni's cheeks before she can
smack them. No, not the pair you would normally expect.)
(After that Trent and Jesse meet up with the group and everybody say's their
goodbyes before heading home.)
(As The four Darians head for the Tank)
Jane: I don't know, That whole ordeal wasn't to bad.
Daria: (Daria looks at Jane as if she's on crack) Jesse, I think THUMPER here
is suffering from withdrawal. You'd better giver her some lovin' when we get
home. (Jane's face turns beat red as she stares at Daria)
Jesse and Trent: THUMPER??
(Daria sports a huge smile at seeing Jane turn red for once)
ROLL ENDING CREDITS:
Swept Away by Yanni plays in the Background
Make overs of the Daria characters are shown as the credits roll by. Some
exemples are Daria dressed up like a state trooper, Jane as a member of the
WWF, Trent as the judge in celebrity death match, etc.
The excerpt marked by an asterict was borrowed from the movie Firebirds.
Contrary to popular belief some modern choppers are capable of performing
barrel rolls and full loops. An excellent example would be the CH-53 lowboy.
(A variant of the jolly green giant.)
If anyone has a comment relating to this story please email me at
wildgoose@prodigy.com
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