THE PREPAID PHONE CARD CALL OF TOMMY SHERMAN
A Daria/Real Ghostbusters Crossover Fan Fiction Story
By
Peter W. Guerin
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With apologies to Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis Lynn, Dan Aykroyd, Harold Ramis
Linda Bloodworth-Thomason, Rudolf Ising, William Hanna, Joseph Barberra,
Trey Parker and Matt Stone.
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AUTHOR'S DISCLAIMER, INTRODUCTION AND NOTES
None of this ever happened. This story is an entire work of fiction.
As for continuity, this takes place after "Sick, Sad Burbank".
For those of you who are not familiar with the GOOD, GREAT original
"Real Ghostbusters" series, I'll give a brief introduction.
"The Real Ghostbusters" ran simultaneously on ABC and in syndication from
1986 to 1991; it was, of course, based on the 1984 film "Ghostbusters",
which for the longest time was the biggest grossing comedy in film history;
from the 1989-1990 season onward, it drew most of its stories as follow-ups
to the 1989 film "Ghostbusters II" (rumor has it that a third film is on the
way). As in the film, the story was about four men who formed their own
paranormal entity extermination service (actually, they just trapped them
and then stuck them in a containment unit). This series roughly followed up
from the first film.
Team leader Dr. Peter Venkman (the character played by Bill Murray in the
film) was a bit of a ladies' man and was always trying to woo the company's
secretary, the acerbic Janine Melnitz (who was played by Annie Potts in the
film; she would later play Mary Jo Shively in the comedy series "Designing
Women", which gets referenced in this story as well). Dr. Venkman was
voiced in the first ABC season and in all the syndicated episodes by Lorenzo
Music, best known as Carlton the Doorman on "Rhoda" and the voice of
Garfield on "Garfield and Friends" (he was also an executive producer for
the original "Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour" and the original "Bob Newhart
Show"); from the second ABC season onward, he was voiced by Dave Coulier,
who played Joey Galdstone on "Full House".
Second-in-command Dr. Egon Spengler (who was played by Harold Ramis in the
film) was the brains of the outfit and made the various proton packs, ghost
traps, etc. the team used. He was voiced throughout the entire series' run
by Maurice LaMarche, who now voices The Brain on "Pinky and the Brain".
Dr. Raymond (Ray) Stantz (who way played by Dan Aykroyd in the film) was the
idealist and dreamer of the team. He was also the one who was on the best
terms with Slimer, the team's pet ghost (Peter, however, hated him to no
end). He was voiced throughout the entire series by veteran voiceman Frank
Welker, best known as the voice of Freddy Jones from "Scooby Doo". Welker
also voiced Slimer.
Winston Zeddmore was the only one (other than Janine, Slimer, Dana Barrett
and Lewis Tully) not to have a doctorate. He was formerly a construction
worker. In the first ABC season and in all the syndicated episodes, he was
voiced by Arsenio Hall, who, of course, would later have his own hit
late-night talk show. From the second ABC season onward, he was voiced by
Buster Jones. In the film, he was portrayed by Ernie Hudson, best known as
Solomon, the mentally challenged gardener in the Rebecca De Mornay thriller
"The Hand That Rocks The Cradle".
Janine Melnitz, as mentioned, was the company secretary. Although Peter
tried to woo her, she was actually in love with Egon, though later it seemed
she had a thing for Lewis Tully (the character played by Rick Moranis in the
film), who joined as the team's accountant. In the first ABC season and in
syndication, she kept the film character's spunk, acerbic attitude and
looks: spiky hair, pointed glasses, dangling jewelry, miniskirts, etc.
However, after ABC consulted with a market research firm in Glendale,
California called the Q5 Corporation, Janine was redone; she now had smooth
hair, rounded glasses, knee-length skirts and was less acerbic. I chose to
use the first ABC season/syndicated version of Janine because it was more
true to the character that was in the films. From the 1989-1990 season
onward, Janine had the "nerdy" look she had in the second film, though it
switched back to the "nurturing" look she had from the second ABC season for
the recent "Extreme Ghostbusters" series. In the first ABC season and in
the syndicated version, she was voiced by Laura Summer; from the second ABC
season, she was voiced by Kath Soucie.
Slimer was the team's pet ghost. In the film, he was referred to as "The
Little Green Spud"; "Slimer" was made up for the series. Slimer was voiced
throughout the entire series by Welker.
Although she was never featured in the series, I decided to include Dana
Barrett (who was played by Sigourney Weaver) in this story. Dana was the
one who was possessed in the first film and Peter had a crush on. In the
second film, she has a baby son, though no one knows who the father is (it
isn't Peter, though; however, he does become a father figure to him). In
this story, Dana becomes a full-fledged Ghostbuster herself, and I've taken
the liberty of injecting some of Weaver's character of Ripley from the
"Alien" films in this case (you'll notice it big time when she makes a trip
to the beauty parlor and when she confronts the Sheridan-possessed Daria in
this story).
As mentioned, both the ABC series and the syndicated series ran until 1991;
from 1988 onward, the ABC series was called "Slimer! and the Real
Ghostbusters". The tampering of Q5 really took a lot of the spark out of
the show, though. Recently, a new series, "Extreme Ghostbusters", aired in
1997-98, but it very much a pale shadow of the old series; only Egon, Janine
and Slimer (who, this time, is voiced by Billy West, best known as the voice
of Stimpy from "Ren and Stimpy") return, with essentially a new team of
Ghostbusters as well. If anyone's interested, I've got an article from the
"Los Angeles Times" in regard to how Q5 messed up the show. E-mail me for
it.
As for other matters:
1. In the original films, all four Ghostbusters had black hair. In the
series, Peter has brown hair, Egon is blonde, Ray is light brown and Winston
is black. Janine was a redhead in the film and the series.
2. As for "Real Ghostbusters", that's quite a tale in itself. In 1975, CBS
aired a show called "The Ghost Busters," which had "F Troop" alumni Forrest
Tucker and Larry Storch playing trenchcoat wearing, fedora-bedecked private
eyes who--along with an ape--fought ghosts. When Aykroyd and Ramis's
"Ghostbusters" became a hit, and plans were made to do the animated series,
Filmation--which made the "Ghost Busters" series-- announced plans to revive
that series as an animated series as well; it featured the sons of the
original characters taking over the business. Columbia, in order to avoid a
lawsuit, added "Real" to the Aykroyd/Ramis "Ghostbusters" creation.
3. As for the title of this story, it's a pun on the "Real Ghostbusters"
episode "The Collect Call of Cathulu," which in turn was a satire on H. P.
Lovecraft's classic horror story "The Call of Cthulu" (note that they put an
"A" in the title of the "Real Ghostbusters" story in order to make
pronouncing the name easier).
4. Long before he created "Babylon 5", J. Michael Straczynski wrote some
episodes of "The Real Ghostbusters" (though he didn't write "Collect Call";
that was written by Michael Reaves).
5. I also make reference to the fact the President Clinton is friends with
"Designing Women" creator Linda Bloodworth-Thomason and her husband, Harry
Thomason, in this story.
6. Finally, taking a bit of a nod from Husker Du, who once added commercials
to one of their albums, I decided to put some "commercials" in this story;
they're pretty goofy.
If you want to see the original "Real Ghostbusters" episodes, Fox Family
Channel is now showing them weekdays at 2:30 PM Eastern Time, 1:30 PM
Central Time. Take it from me, it's pretty good.
All "Daria" characters are (C) 1993, 1997, 1998 MTV Networks, a Viacom
International company. All Rights Reserved.
All "Real Ghostbusters" characters are (C) 1984, 1986, 1989, 1997, 1998 DIC
Enterprises LP/Columbia Pictures Corporation, a Sony Pictures Entertainment
company. All Rights Reserved.
All "Designing Women" characters are (C) 1986, 1998 Bloodworth-Thomason/
Mozark Productions/Columbia Pictures Corporation. All Rights Reserved.
All "Tom and Jerry" characters are (C) 1939 Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Film
Corporation; Copyright renewed 1998 Hanna-Barberra Productions, a Time
Warner Entertainment Company. All Rights Reserved.
All "South Park" characters are (C) 1998 Braniff Productions/Comedy Central.
All Rights Reserved.
All other characters depicted in this story are my creation.
"Surge" is a registered trademark of the Coca-Cola Company.
"Chevy Truck" is a registered trademark of Chevrolet Division of General
Motors Corporation.
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ACT I, DIAMONDBACKS 0
(Which just goes to prove how lame expansion teams are.)
(The usual "Daria" opening sequence roll. Splendora's "You're Standing on
My Neck" plays as Daria doesn't laugh at a movie theater; Daria refuses to
play volleyball at gym class; Daria blows a whistle to get Kevin and
Brittany out of the way to her locker; Daria reads a newspaper at a wedding;
finally, Daria's smiling face zooms up and forms the "Daria" logo, below
which says "in: The Prepaid Phone Card Call of Tommy Sherman".)
(Cut to the opening sequence for "The Real Ghostbusters". A ghost walks
down a street as Ray Parker, Jr.'s "Theme from 'Ghostbusters'" plays when
suddenly, the international "No" sign--a red circle and slash--falls on him,
forming the Ghostbusters logo. Janine takes a call, sounds the bell, and
alerts the others. They scramble to their vehicle, the Ecto 1--a vintage
1950's ambulance--and drive off, but not before Slimer kisses Janine.
The team confronts a whole gang of ghosts, then zap them and trap them. The
"Real Ghostbusters" logo is now shown.)
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Scene 1: Surge Cola Stadium, Lawndale High School. During a game against
Oakwood High.
(Quarterback Kevin Thompson, team captain Michael Jordan "Mack" Mackenzie
and the other members of the Lawndale Lions football team are in huddle for
the next play.)
Kevin: Mack Daddy, you go fake left and I'll throw the long bomb.
Mack: Stop calling me "Mack Daddy," Kevin!
Kevin: Just do it, OK?
(Mack grumbles as the team breaks formation.)
Kevin: 43 red, 43 red, 54, 64, hike, hike!
(The teams collide as Mack fakes left, Kevin passes the ball, and Mack snags
it. He runs down the field right for the end zone. Suddenly, a ghost
appears on the end zone. It looks like the late Lawndale football legend
Tommy Sherman.)
Ghost: IIIIIII WAAAAANT THEEEEE MISSSSSERRRRRY CHIIIIIICK! IIIIIII
WAAAAANT THEEEEE MISSSSERY CHIIIIIICK! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
(Everyone on the field freezes in terror. There's panic in the stands as
everyone screams and runs for the exits.)
Mack: Oh, no! It looks like the ghost of Tommy Sheridan! (Mack runs in
the opposite direction now, and collides into Kevin.)
Kevin: What's going on, Mack Daddy?
Mack: There's a ghost out there! And stop calling me "Mack Daddy!"
(Kevin sees the ghost and goes "AAAAAAAAA!". He and Mack, with the rest of
the people on the field, run.)
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Scene 2: Daria Morgendorffer's room, later that day.
Background music: "Intergalactic" from the Beastie Boys.)
(Daria and Jane Lane are watching "Sick, Sad World" on TV.)
SSW Reporter: And now, this "Sick, Sad World" exclusive report. The big
football game between Lawndale and Oakwood was disrupted when a ghost that
looked suspiciously like that of late Lawndale football legend Tommy
Sherman appeared near the goalpost dedicated in his memory. He said "I want
the 'Misery Chick!'" twice and hideously laughed. Lawndale wound up
forfeiting the game to Oakwood.
Daria: I've heard of games being called due to the weather, but this is the
first one I've heard of being called due to the stadium being haunted.
Jane: It was probably some Oakwood student's prank done to scare our team
so much they'd crap in their pants!
SSW Reporter: Later on, Lawndale High School Principal Angela Li had this
to say:
Ms. Li: I can assure everyone here in Lawndale that I will not rest until
this matter is disposed of. To that end, I will contact the world-famous
Ghostbusters company and have them take care of this matter.
Daria: Is she serious? She really thinks that there's a ghost in the
football stadium?
Jane: Maybe we should contact the Department of Education and have them
start removal proceedings against her for being mentally incompetent!
Daria: Then again, stranger things have happened.
(As if to highlight that remark, Helen, Daria's mother, enters the room.)
Helen: Daria, could I speak to you for a moment?
Daria: Sure, Mom, but anything that you say can and will be used against
you.
Helen: Daria, do you always have to be so flippant?
Jane: She can't even belly flop, let alone flip.
Helen: (Ignoring what Jane just said) Daria, we're going to have our living
room redecorated next week. We contacted this interior decorating service
from Atlanta called Sugarbakers' Interior Decorators and they'll be doing
the job. I want you to stay out of their way while they're here, OK?
Daria: Fine by me, Mom. Just warn them that there's land mines beneath the
floor.
Helen: (Groaning), Oh, Daria! I can't have a straight conversation with
you! (She leaves in a huff.)
Jane: Score one for you, Daria!
Daria: I just want to see how badly they'll mess up redoing the living
room, that's all.
Jane: So, do you think Ms. Li is going to contact these "Ghostbusters"?
Daria: If she does, I'll dress up as Quinn again.
Jane: That was a burden to bear the first time; do that again and you might
die from embarrassment!
Daria: In that case, make sure my affairs are in order.
Jane: Right.
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Scene 3: The Ghostbusters Headquarters, a former firehouse in Manhattan,
the next day.
(Background music: "Busy Child" from Crystal Method.)
(There's a small crowd gathered in front of the building. Peter Venkman,
Egon Spengler, Ray Stantz, Winston Zeddmore, Janine Melnitz, Dana Barrett,
Lewis Tully and Slimer are with Mayor Rudolph Giuliani.)
Giuliani: Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here to honor the
Ghostbusters on their 15th anniversary of business. When they started in
1984, everyone thought what they did was a joke. I'm happy to say that now
incidents of haunting have gone down 65% since they went into business.
Of course, that just helped me concentrate on fighting crime and cleaning up
Times Square! (Laughs from the audience.) Therefore, in appreciation for
their fine work, I am proud to give this citation to the Ghostbusters for
their excellent service to the City of New York. (He hands the citation to
Peter. There's applause. Peter steps up to the microphone.)
Peter: Thank you, Mayor Giuliani. On behalf of the entire Ghostbusters
team, I just want to thank everyone out there for their patronage over the
years. As we say in our commercials, "We're ready to believe you!" (More
applause.) Thank you, thank you! (He and the others wave. They then step
inside.) Man, that was a rush!
Ray: It's nice that we're finally getting the appreciation for what we do;
we help protect this city just as much as the police and the fire
departments do.
(The phone rings. Janine gets it.)
Janine: Hello, Ghostbusters! How may I help you? (Pause as she listens.)
You say your football stadium is haunted? (Takes notes.) OK, we'll get
there as soon as we can. Bye! (She hangs up.)
Egon: Who was that, Janine?
Janine: That was someone calling herself Angela Li. She's the principal of
Lawndale High School. She says that her school's football stadium's haunted
by the ghost of a legendary football player.
Winston: Man, that sounds like something out of "Scooby Doo!"
Ray: Watch it, Winston! We must take every case seriously!
Peter: Ray's right, Winston! It's how we make our living!
Lewis: Well, we are in the black, to say the least. Not only is business
up, but all that merchandising we sell doesn't hurt, either.
Egon: I still have qualms over that. (He points to a display.) T-shirts,
mugs, key chains and bumper stickers weren't what we had in mind when we set
this business up.
Peter: You heard Lewis, Egon; it keeps us in the black!
Egon: Anyway, I guess this means we're taking a trip.
Peter: OK, Egon, Ray, Winston, Slimer, Janine, Dana, you're with me. Lewis,
hold down the fort for us while we're gone, OK?
Lewis: Right! Besides, I have to do some paperwork for our taxes, anyway.
I can use that to catch up on that.
Peter: Let's get packed up and book a flight to Lawndale, then.
(Everyone except Lewis heads upstairs. Lewis goes to the computer and boots
up "Quicken.")
Lewis: I may not have the most exciting job in this outfit, but someone's
got to manage the cash flow around here!
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Scene 4: Lawndale International Airport, a few hours later.
(Background music: "I Think I'm Paranoid" from Garbage.)
(A reporter is standing in front of the arrivals terminal. Some onlookers
are right behind him. Daria and Jane are in the crowd.)
Reporter: We're here at Lawndale International Airport as we're waiting
for the arrival of the world famous Ghostbusters to arrive. Lawndale High
School Principal Angela Li has hired them to get rid of the ghost of
legendary quarterback Tommy Sherman, who disrupted the big game against
Oakwood.
Daria: I bet they're a whole bunch of nerds who'd make Upchuck look good.
Jane: I shudder to think at that possibility. . .
(A plane now touches down on the runway. The Ghostbusters team is seen
going down the stairs.)
Reporter: And there they are folks, the world famous Ghostbusters.
(Everyone rushes up to them.)
Peter: Now, now, ladies, one at a time!
Janine: Dr. V., do you always have to be such a ladies' man?
Peter: It doesn't hurt!
Daria: What a pathetic scene this is!
Jane: It could be worse; we could be running in terror from (speaking
spooky here, as she claws the air for emphasis) "The Ghost of Tommy
Sherman".
Daria: Make me laugh.
(The crowd--except for Daria and Jane--follow the Ghostbusters to the
terminal. As the crowd disperses, the Sugarbakers' Interior Decorating
Service comes down the stairs: Suzanne Sugarbaker, Julia Sugarbaker,
Mary Jo Shively, Charlene Stillwell and Anthony Bouvier.)
Suzanne: What in tarnation is this dump?
Julia: This is the town that our clients are supposed to be in, Suzanne.
Suzanne: This place looks like such a pigsty that even my pet pig Noel
would avoid living there!
Mary Jo: Suzanne, you treat that pig like a spoiled rotten kid; it would
refuse to live in a pigsty!
Julia: We'd better get a taxi cab. (They walk toward the terminal and see
Daria and Jane.)
Daria: Well, well, I see there were some normal people on board that flight.
Julia: (To Daria), Excuse me, young lady, do you know if this is the right
address? (She gives Daria a slip of paper with the Morgendorffers' address
on it.)
Daria: Some people with that last name have been known to live there.
Jane: Except that one of them claims that her sister is actually her cousin.
Julia: Don't you get fresh with me, young ladies! We're the Sugarbakers
Interior Decorating Service, and we're supposed to be redecorating the
Morgendorffers' living room.
Daria: What a coincidence. I'm a Morgendorffer. Daria Morgendorffer, to
be exact.
Jane: (Imitating Tarzan) Her Daria, me Jane!
Charlene: Have they been dipping into my uncle's moonshine or what?
Anthony: These cats are far out, man!
Daria: I think we're beginning to scare them, Jane.
Julia: All right, Ms. Daria Morgendorffer, were you the one who called
for us?
Daria: No, that would be my mother, Helen Morgendorffer.
Julia: If you don't mind, we'd like to go to your house and speak to her
about what we plan to do.
Daria: Follow us, then. But be careful when you get on the bus; they
haven't given the drivers here their distemper shots.
(Julia groans as she and the others follow Daria and Jane.)
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Scene 5: The living room of the Morgendorffer house.
(Background music: "Rockefeller Skank" by Fat Boy Slim.)
(Daria, Jane, Quinn, Jake, Helen, Suzanne, Julia, Mary Jo, Charlene and
Anthony are gathered around a coffee table.)
Julia: Here's what we're proposing. We think this wallpaper would go very
well with this room.
(Quinn takes a look.)
Quinn: Can't you find anything that would match with my shirt?
Daria: Quinn, I seriously doubt that they make smiley-face wallpaper!
Helen: Quinn, we're redecorating this room for our tastes, not yours!
Jake: Well, do you have anything in a blue serge?
Helen: Jake, will you mind your own business?
Jake: Yes, Dear!
Jane: What about a somber shade of black?
(Julia recoils at that.)
Julia: BLACK! You suggest black! How dare you suggest black wallpaper!
Jane: Ask a silly question. . .
(The doorbell rings.)
Helen: I'll get it! (She goes to the door. The Ghostbusters are standing
outside.)
Egon: Excuse me, but does Daria Morgendorffer live here?
Helen: If this is about her vandalizing her own poster for the state art
contest, we settled that whole affair a long time ago!
Egon: No, ma'am. This is something different.
Helen: If it's about the riot she incited at Alt.Lawndale.com, that's been
settled as well.
Egon: We're not the police, ma'am. We're Ghostbusters. We want to talk
to your daughter.
Helen: Oh, dear! This is serious. Daria! There's some gentlemen to
see you!
Daria: (To Jane) If they haul me away to jail, bake a cake with a file in
it and send it to me during visiting hours!
Jane: Right.
(Daria goes to the door.)
Egon: Are you Daria Morgendorffer?
Daria: Someone with that name does live here.
Egon: We're the Ghostbusters. I'm Dr. Egon Spengler; that's Dr. Peter
Venkman; Dr. Ray Stantz; Winston Zeddmore; Janine Melnitz and Dana Barrett;
that green blob is Slimer, our pet ghost.
Peter: Who keeps eating us out of house and home!
Ray: Put a sock in it, Peter!
Daria: If this is about that thing about the ghost of Tommy Sherman crap,
I'm not interested.
(Suddenly, Ms. Li enters.)
Ms. Li: I think you'll change your mind right away, Ms. Morgendorffer, or
else you'll face a two week suspension!
Daria: For what? Not answering any questions during my time away
from school?
Ms. Li: Ms. Morgendorffer, I told the Ghostbusters that you were a material
witness in this case.
Peter: We can't technically arrest you for not co-operating, Daria, but we
could turn this over to the police, and they're pretty much in an arresting
mood.
Daria: All right, it looks like you've got me right where you want me.
Egon: Anyway, Ms. Morgendorffer, we spoke to Ms. Li here, and she tells me
that on the day that Tommy Sherman died, you and your friend Jane Lane made
fun of him.
Daria: Dr. Spengler, to put the record straight, Tommy Sheridan was a first
class jerk. He wanted to have sex with Brittany Taylor, our head
cheerleader. He made our star quarterback, Kevin Thompson, look like an
idiot, which isn't very difficult to begin with. Then he called me a "Misery
Chick". He got what he deserved when that goalpost fell on top of him.
Ray: Ms. Morgendorffer, it could be that Tommy Sherman wants to exact his
revenge on you.
Daria: Listen, you guys are taking your job way too seriously. There's no
such things as ghosts.
Egon: We beg to differ.
Daria: Well, just keep on begging. I'm going to shut your pleas out!
(She slams the door in Egon's face.)
Peter: WOOOOO! We've got a tough one here! (Turns to Janine) Kind of
reminds me of you, Janine.
Janine: Watch it, Dr. V., unless you want a fat lip!
Peter: My doctor put my lips on a fat-free diet!
(Daria goes back to the living room.)
Quinn: What was that all about?
Daria: Just a bunch of geeks who said that the ghost of Tommy Sherman's
after me. What a joke!
Quinn: Daria, you attract the weirdest people!
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Scene 6: Downtown Lawndale.
(Background music: "Know Your Enemy" by Rage Against the Machine.)
(The Ecto-1 is going down Main Street. The Ghostbusters are talking
strategy.)
Egon: Right now, we've got to go to the football field and take some
paranormal activity readings.
Dana: First, could you drop me off at that hair salon? I want to get my
hair done.
Peter: Right in the middle of a case?
Dana: I missed my appointment back in New York.
Ray: OK, OK. (The car stops at a hair salon. Dana gets out and enters.)
Proprietor: Welcome to our fine establishment, ma'am. What can we do for
you?
Dana: I want to get my hair washed and cut.
Proprietor: OK, then. Just go to the sink here. (They go to the sink.
The proprietor puts Dana's head back into it and covers her. He washes her
hair and puts on what he thinks is a conditioner.) I'll be right back. (He
goes to the back. He gets another bottle like the one he just used.
However, he notices that it's marked "HAIR REMOVER," and not "CONDITIONER".)
OH, NO! (He runs back.) Ma'am, are you all right?
Dana: Yea, I think I am. Why do you ask? (She gets up and notices herself
in the mirror. She's as bald as a cue ball. She screams.)
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Scene 7: Surge Cola Stadium.
(Background music: "Alive" from Pearl Jam.)
(The Ghostbusters are taking readings. Egon gets some very strong ones at
the Tommy Sherman Memorial Goalpost.)
Egon: I'm getting some very strong readings here at this goalpost.
Ray: Maybe we can get some ectoplasm for analysis and find out what we're
dealing with here.
(Dana enters. Peter notices her.)
Peter: What happened to you, Dana?
Dana: You don't want to know.
Peter: OK, OK, you don't have to get cranky over it.
(Suddenly, the ghost of Tommy Sherman appears again.)
Ghost: I WANT THE MISERY CHICK RIGHT NOW, OR ALL OF LAWNDALE WILL SUFFER!
(He lets out a ghostly roar. The Ghostbusters fall back.)
Peter: Let's blast him! (They fire their proton packs, but the ghost is unaffected.)
Ray: What in--!
Egon: Our proton packs have no effect on him!
Winston: Looks like we'll just have to trap him! (He gets out a ghost trap
and throws it at him. He steps on the button, but the ghost isn't getting
sucked in.)
Peter: Uh, oh! I think we've got a real tough customer here, guys!
(The ghost now gets some "football grenades" which he hurls at the
Ghostbusters. They blow up on impact. The Ghostbusters flee.)
Everyone: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (They run as the ghost pursues them.)
Ghost: I WANT THE MISERY CHICK! I WANT THE MISERY CHICK! I WANT THE
MISERY CHICK! (He throws more football grenades.)
Peter: Got any good ideas, Egon?
Egon: All I have to say right now, is--RUN! (They head for the Ecto-1 and
drive away. The ghost, however, is still pursuing them.)
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Scene 8: The Morgendorffer residence, the living room.
(Background music: "Do the Devil" by the Amazing Royal Crowns.)
(The Morgendorffers, Jane and the Sugarbakers crew are still going over plans
for the living room.)
Julia: Now I think this fabric will go very nicely with the curtains we
picked out.
(Suddenly, the doorbell rings.)
Helen: I'll get it. (She answers the door. Suddenly, some Secret Service
agents swarm in.) What is the meaning of this?
Agent # 1: Sorry to disturb you, Ma'am, but we're from the Secret Service.
The President needs to speak to Julia Sugarbaker.
Helen: In regard to what?
Agent # 1: Sorry, Ma'am, but that's executive privilege.
(President Clinton now enters.)
Clinton: Hello, everyone! Ah hope Ah wasn't disturbing all of ya!
Jane: Didn't you meet him when you were in Highland, Daria?
Daria: Unfortunately, yes. He was the one who gave Beavis and Butt-Head
the "Best Students in the Nation" plaque.
Jane: And the nation's gone to Hell in a handbasket ever since.
(Clinton approaches Julia.)
Clinton: Miss Sugarbaker, Ah was hoping that you'd help me in mah big
predicament.
Julia: Mr. President, you're not going to tell me that you want me to lie
under oath!
Clinton: Well, your friend Jimmy Carter told me that if I ever needed help,
to come to you!
Julia: May I remind you that he said that you haven't been too truthful in
this whole mess!
Clinton: Now, now, Miss Sugarbaker, that's tha pot calling tha kettle black!
Just remember what he said during that "Playboy" interview when he thought
tha tape wasn't rolling!
Julia: Then again, he's always been faithful to Rosalyn, which is something
I can't say about you with Hillary!
Clinton: C'mon, Miss Sugarbaker! I just want you to tell tha House
Judiciary Committee that I was really discussing plans to redecorate tha
Lincoln Bedroom with you and tha others on tha day Monica allegedly
serviced me!
Julia: Well, I never!
Clinton: C'mon, Miss Sugarbaker, Ah am not a philanderer!
Daria: Nixon said he wasn't a crook, and that didn't help him, either.
Clinton: Do An know you, young lady?
Daria: Yes, you do, Mr. President. I'm Daria Morgendorffer. I was there at
Highland High School when you gave that award to Beavis and Butt-Head.
Clinton: Now Ah remember! Beavis and Butt-Head are cool!
HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH!
Jane: Now I know for sure; those two corrupted him and made him do all that
stuff to Lewinsky!
Mary Jo: This is revolting!
(Suddenly, the Ecto-1 pulls up, and the Ghostbusters run for the house,
bowling over the Secret Service agents with the ghost in pursuit.)
Agent # 1: HOLD IT THERE, OR I'LL SHOOT! (He whips out a gun.)
Helen: Will someone tell me what the Hell is going in here?
Clinton: (Seeing the Ghostbusters) You're those Ghostbusters fellas,
aren't you?
Egon: Yes we are, Mr. President.
Daria: If you think you're going to get me to co-operate in your silly
investigation, you're just wasting your time.
Jane: (Seeing the ghost) Uh, Daria, you'd better take another look.
(Daria sees the ghost.)
Ghost: MISERY CHICK! YOU'RE TIME HAS COME! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Daria: Oh, great! There really is a ghost of Tommy Sherman here.
Ghost: MISERY CHICK, YOU WILL HAVE MY CHILD, OR ELSE!
Daria: You're an even bigger pervert dead than you were alive. I'm not
going to have your child.
Ghost: SO BE IT! (He darts right for Daria.)
Egon: Miss Morgendorffer, look out!
(Daria turns around and sees the ghost heading straight for her. He enters
her body. Daria collapses on the floor, screaming as her body transforms.
Her skin turns pale green, her eyes become those of a cat, her hair becomes
disheveled, and her clothes turn into that of a Lawndale football player.)
Helen: (Racing up to Daria) Daria! Are you all right!
(Daria/Tommy lets out an unearthly roar, and knocks her clear across the
room.)
Daria/Tommy: THE SOW IS MINE!
Jane: Oh, great! He's ripping off dialogue from "The Exorcist"! If she
begins to projectile vomit green pea soup, I'm out of here!
(An organ interlude plays as Janet Wygal sings "Excuse me! Excuse me!"
while the scene where Peter accepts the citation from Mayor Giuliani is
shown in slo-motion in blue tint, with the Daria logo superimposed over it.)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK 1
(A man bangs a gong marked "A J. Arthur Rank Enterprise." Suddenly, some
martial artists arrive and karate chop each other to the tune of "Kung Fu
Fighting".)
Announcer: This Saturday afternoon on "Karate Chop Theater", it's "The
Purple Dragons of Death Versus the Concordium of Thirteen!" This film won
the Bruce Lee Memorial Award for best martial arts film in Hong Kong in
1993! Here is a scene from the film!
(A wharf in Hong Kong is the setting. The Purple Dragons of Death arrive,
all wearing purple martial artist's outfits. The Concordium of Thirteen
arrive in the opposite direction, all dressed in black. All throughout, the
dubbed dialogue does not match the movements of the actor's lips.)
Purple Dragon # 1: There you are, you evil Concordium of Thirteen thugs!
Concordium Member # 1: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! You think you can stop
us? We'll see you choke on your own blood first, you son of maggots!
(A karate fight suddenly breaks out. Karate kicks and punches are thrown.
Purple Dragon # 1 suddenly seizes Concordium Member # 1 by his neck and
rips his spinal cord out.)
Purple Dragon # 1: HMMMMM, just like in "Mortal Kombat!"
Announcer: Don't miss every exciting minute of "The Purple Dragons of
Death Versus the Concordium of Thirteen," this week's presentation on "Karate
Chop Theater!" This Saturday afternoon at 3, here on this station!
(Another commercial begins. A man in an army uniform is sitting in front of
a Nazi flag. The caption on the TV says "Der Fuehrer Brad Schlitz, Leader
of the Upstate Nazi Party.")
Schlitz: (Giving the Nazi salute) DUH! Heil me! I am Der Fuehrer Brad
Schlitz, leader of the Upstate Nazi Party. I think all my tax money goes to
New York City and goes to welfare-cheating minorities! Therefore, I sue the
state constantly, despite the fact the courts keep throwing my lawsuits out
and say that they're frivolous! New York City is Hell on Earth! They want
to dump their trash up here in Upstate! They want to send all the homeless
people up here to live with us! (He gives the Nazi salute.) Heil me! I
want you to vote for my hand-picked candidate for Congress, Fred LaCroix.
(Camera pans to LaCroix.)
LaCroix: If I'm elected to Congress, I'll abolish welfare, affirmative
action, civil rights laws and allow clear-cut logging in the Adirondack Park.
And we'll secede from the rest of New York State; we don't want those
pinko Downstaters telling us what to do!
Schlitz: DUH! So vote for Fred LaCroix on Election Day--OR ELSE! (He
gives the Nazi salute) Heil me!
LaCroix: (Giving the Nazi salute.) ZEIG HEIL!
Announcer: Paid for by the Upstate Nazi Party, a/k/a the Upstate Taxpayers
Coalition, a/k/a the I, Bob Schlitz Rubber Stamp Politburo and Reichstag,
a/k/a Angry White Men for an Ultra-Right Wing Dictatorship.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
ACT II, MARLINS 0
(Which proves how low the defending World Champions have fallen this
season.)
(The ghost from the Ghostbusters' logo is trying to saw through the slash
in the "No" sign, but sees that the show's back on, and hides the saw.)
Logo Ghost: WHOOPS! We now return to "The Real Ghostbusters."
Jane: (Suddenly breaking into the scene) Wait a minute, buddy, this is
supposed to be an episode of "Daria"!
Logo Ghost: But it's in the script!
Jane: I don't give a rat's ass! (She kicks him in the crotch, sending him
howling.) Don't interrupt like that again, or I'll beat you up real good
next time!
(The Logo Ghost crawls away as Jane goes back to the Morgendorffer house.)
Jane: Now, where were we? Oh, yeah! Daria just got possessed by the ghost
of Tommy Sherman. Roll 'em!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 1: The Morgendorffer house, the living room.
(Daria/Tommy lets out an unearthly roar.)
Jake: Oh, my god! Daria's been possessed by the ghost of Tommy Sheridan!
Helen: (Getting up from the floor) Jake you are SOOOOOOO observant!
Jake: Why, thanks, Dear!
Helen: (Shrieking at the top of her voice) I MEANT THAT SARCASTICALLY,
JAKE!
Jake: (Meekly) Yes, Honey!
Peter: So, what do we do now, kemosabes?
Egon: We've got to get the ghost of Tommy Sherman out of Daria, that's
what!
Ray: But if we zap her with the proton packs, we'll disassociate her at the
atomic level!
Quinn: Which means what? Speak in terms we can understand!
Egon: It means that her atoms will take separate vacations.
Clinton: Ah need a vacation myself, far, far away from all mah problems!
Helen: Oh, will you shut up, Mr. President! Can't you obviously see that
my daughter is being possessed by an malevolent being right now, and all you
care about is saving your sorry ass!
Clinton: Ah can't help it!
Jane: While we're talking here, Daria's still being controlled by that
being!
Dana: I say kill them all! Let God sort them out! LET'S ROCK! (She fires
her proton pack, but Daria/Tommy is unfazed.)
Daria/Tommy: YOU WILL PAY FOR THAT OUTBURST, YOU SOW! (He/she kicks Dana
in the solar plexus.)
Peter: DANA! (He rushed up to her.) Are you all right?
Dana: Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Daria/Tommy: ENOUGH OF ALL THIS NONSENSE! I WILL SEEK SOMEONE ELSE TO
BEAR MY CHILD! (He/she leaves.)
Janine: She's getting away!
Agent # 2: I've got a bead on her! (He fires, but the bullets bounce off
him/her.)
Egon: It'll do no good. Conventional weapons are going to be useless on
this one! We need to use our ultimate weapon!
Peter: Egon, you don't mean. . .
Egon: Yes, I do, Peter.
Peter: Are you REALLY sure that's necessary, Egon?
Egon: If I have to say that again, Peter, we'll dance to it.
Peter: OK, OK, I can take a hint! I'll call Lewis and tell him. (He goes
to the phone.)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 2: Ghostbusters Headquarters.
(Background music: "The End is the Beginning is the End" from Smashing
Pumpkins.)
(Lewis is going through the books for the taxes. The phone rings.)
Lewis: Hello, Ghostbusters. Lewis Tully speaking. How may we help you?
(The screen splits to show Peter at the left and Lewis on the right.)
Peter: Lewis, this is Peter. We're going to need our ultimate weapon.
Could you get it for us and send it over by UPS SonicAir?
Lewis: Are you serious?
Peter: Egon said if anyone said that again, we'd dance to it.
Lewis: OK, OK, I'll get it. Where do I send it to, anyway?
Peter: Hold on; I'll get the address for you!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 3: The basement of the Ghostbusters Headquarters.
(Lewis is seen going down the stairs with a ghost trap. He goes to the
containment unit and puts the trap in the unit's entrance.)
Lewis: Man, it's not everyday that the guys decide that they want to use the
Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man on a case! (He pulls the lever and the trap
fills up.) OK, now to call UPS and get this going!
(He goes up the stairs again.)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 4: Main Street, Downtown Lawndale.
(Background music: "Complication" by The Monks.)
(Daria/Tommy is heading down the street, with panicking citizens fleeing
from her.)
Daria/Tommy: ALL OF LAWNDALE WILL PAY FOR WHAT THE MISERY CHICK DID TO ME!
(He/she then vomits up green pea soup, which hurtles down the street and
overwhelms several people, carrying them away.)
(The Ecto-1 is in hot pursuit behind her, followed by the Morgendorffers in
their car, and the Sugarbakers' van.)
Egon: (In Ecto-1). I can only hope the Lewis can send the Stay-Puft
Marshmallow Man over here before it's too late!
Peter: What do you mean by too late, Egon?
Egon: (Taking his paranormal activity meter out) By my calculations, the
combined Daria/Tommy entity will lay waste to the whole city in two hours.
(As to confirm that remark, Daria/Tommy is seen trashing Cranberry Commons.)
Quinn: (In Morgendorffer car) Oh, no! Daria's destroying Cashman's!
Jane: (Sardonically) Like that the most important thing in the world to her right
now!
(Daria/Tommy is seen heading for the Crewe Neck gated community.)
Jake: Oh, my god! She's headed for Crewe Neck!
Jane: That means only one thing.
Jake: What's that?
Jane: Tommy still wants to bed Brittany!
Helen: Why, the nerve of him! Jake, burn rubber!
(The car speeds up.)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 5: The Taylor residence, Crewe Neck Gated Community. Brittany's
room.
(Background music: "Iron Man" by Black Sabbath, as done by Beavis and
Butt-Head.)
(Brittany is seen in a set of blue pajamas, doing her hair. Suddenly,
Daria/Tommy is seen approaching the house.)
Brittany: What is going on out there?
(She goes to her window and opens the curtains. She sees Daria/Tommy and
lets out a shriek.)
Daria/Tommy: BRITTANY TAYLOR, YOU WILL HAVE MY LOVE CHILD!
Brittany: Daria, if this is your idea of a sick joke, I'm not laughing!
Daria/Tommy: I AM NOT THE MISERY CHICK! I AM TOMMY SHERMAN! YOU WILL PAY
FOR TURNING ME DOWN! (She/he then vomits green pea soup on her.)
Brittany: EWWWWWWWWW!
(Daria/Tommy thrusts a hand through the window, and grabs Brittany, causing
her to scream as she's carried off. The Ecto-1 pulls up, with the
Ghostbusters exiting the vehicle.)
Egon: FULL STREAM, NOW! (They fire the proton packs at full power.
However, Daria/Tommy is unaffected.)
Peter: Egon, can we get our money back on these proton packs? They're not
working on this one!
Ray: Too late to worry about that now, Peter! RUN! (They scatter as
Daria/Tommy goes after them.)
(The Morgendorffer car stops, and everyone gets out.)
Jane: Let me see if I can talk some sense into Daria! (She goes in front
of her.) Daria, if you can hear me, it's Jane! Put Brittany down and let's
talk some sense!
Daria/Tommy: GO TO HELL! (She vomits green pea soup on her.)
Jane: Me and my big mouth! (She runs.)
Egon: Try to get to the high school! We'll regroup there! (Everyone goes
back in their cars and drives off.)
Dana: This isn't looking too great, guys!
Peter: We're running out of options here, Egon!
Egon: There's one thing we can try; in theory it could work, but it's very
dangerous.
Peter: What's that, Egon?
Egon: Remember when we temporarily went into the crimefighting business, and
adjusted the proton packs for human biorhythms?
Peter: Yeah, so?
Egon: If we could adjust them at the right setting, we could force Tommy
Sherman out of Daria Morgendorffer without killing her. But it would have
to be at the exact frequency. Too low and it won't hurt either of them;
too high, and we'll kill Daria in trying to save her.
Winston: It's worth a shot, man!
Janine: You've got my vote on that, Egon!
Ray: Right now, we don't have much choice.
Egon: I guess it's settled, then. We'll need to have Slimer possess
someone and then try the proton packs at the lowest setting, then increase
by small increments until we get the right frequency. Using that, then we
can set the other packs accordingly.
Peter: But how will we know that that setting will work on Daria?
Egon: It'll have to do, I guess.
Dana: It's a big gamble, but I'll bet the whole ranch on it.
Egon: Very well. Let's head for the high school!
(They drive off.)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 6: Lawndale High School. The auditorium.
(Background music: "Caught a Light Sneeze" by Tori Amos.)
(Everyone is on the stage. Helen has a shocked expression on her face.)
Helen: You want to do WHAT!
Egon: We just want a volunteer to be temporarily possessed by Slimer so we
can test a theory we're working on.
Jane: For what it's worth, I'll volunteer!
Jake: Jane, you don't have to do this!
Jane: If it will save Daria's life, I'm willing to risk it!
Peter: OK, we got our victim--uh, volunteer, Egon!
Egon: Slimer?
(Slimer goes to Egon, moaning and groaning.)
Egon: I want you to possess Jane over there.
(Slimer grunts his objections.)
Egon: I know, I know, you wouldn't hurt a fly, but this is important!
(Slimer grunts his assent and goes into Jane, who then turns into a green,
globby version of herself.)
Jane/Slimer: Funny, I don't feel any different other than being gooey.
Maybe I can become the world's first living piece of art: "Gooey Jane!"
Egon: OK, let's set the proton packs to the lowest setting possible. (The
adjustments are made.) OK, fire when ready. (They aim at Jane/Slimer.)
Now! (They fire away, but there's no effect on Jane/Slimer.)
(Trent suddenly enters.)
Trent: (To Helen) I heard that Janey was in here, Mrs. Morgendorffer.
Where is she?
Helen: Right over there (pointing to her.)
Trent: (Going to Jane) Janey, what happened to you?
Jane/Slimer: It's kind of a long story right now, Trent.
Trent: Cool. Are you trying out for the role of the She-Hulk?
Egon: You'd better stand back, Sir! We're conducting some tests!
Trent: Fine by me. (He gets out of the way.)
Egon: Let's try this again. (He and the others aim and fire again. Still
no effect.)
Ray: Man, how high do we have to set these things before they work?
Jake: I'll be right back. I need to use the men's room. (He goes out to
the hall. Meanwhile, Daria/Tommy burst through a doorway and down the hall,
still having Brittany with her/him. Jake sees her and yelps.) Oh, Daria!
Come to have a heart-to-heart talk with your old man?
Daria/Tommy: YOU ARE A PUTZ, JAKE MORGENDORFFER! (She/he vomits green pea
soup on him.)
Jake: Daria, honey, I know you think I'm not that great of a father, but I
want to make it up to you. You know, I didn't get along too well with
Grandpa Morgendorffer. Then he sent me away to military school, that cad!
OOOOOH! I rued that day I was sent there! I never liked it there! Let me
assure you, Daria, that I'll never send you to military school, unless
you're thinking of going to West Point after you graduate or something.
Hell, if you ever entered the service, I bet you'd kick the crap out of the
first drill sergeant who tried to make a pass at you! (He laughs nervously.)
Daria/Tommy: DO NOT HUMOR ME! (She/he lets out another unearthly roar.
Jake runs down the hall, screaming.)
Egon: (Back at the stage) We'd better hurry up! I think Daria's in here!
(Daria/Tommy is seen going down the hall. Brittany is screaming her head
off. Daria/Tommy goes to the doors of the auditorium and erects an energy
barrier around them, sealing them off. Egon goes to the doors to open them,
but is zapped by energy. The others rush to him.)
Janine: Egon! Are you all right?
Egon: Just temporarily stunned, Janine. (He gets up.) However, it looks
like we're trapped here.
Peter: Oh, great! Now what do we do?
Jane/Slimer: Well, guys, you could see about getting your proton packs
adjusted. While this is fun, I don't want to go around having a harmless
ghost possess my body.
Egon: Point taken. Let's get down to business.
(Back outside, Daria/Tommy has Brittany in a tight grip.)
Daria/Tommy: YOU WILL HAVE MY LOVE CHILD!!!!!!
Brittany: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!
(Jake returns from the men's room. He sees them.)
Jake: Daria, if you let Brittany go, I could give you that suit of armor
you wanted for your last birthday. It'll go very well with the decor in
your room.
Daria/Tommy: GET LOST, CRUD! (She/he throws up green pea soup on him
again, then advances on him.) I WILL KILL YOU! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
HA HA!!!!!!!!!
Jake: Something tells me I should have stayed in bed today!
(Splendora does that extended "La la la LAAAAAAA la LAAAAAAA!" chorus
twice, as the scene where Daria/Tommy is destroying Cashman's is replayed
in slo-motion in a blue tint, with the Daria logo superimposed over it.)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK 2
Announcer: On the next "South Park," Kenny gets a special award from the
National Academy of Television Arts and Sciences for "perfecting the fine
art of cartoon violence" from the masters of the tradition themselves,
Tom and Jerry!
(Scene: South Park City Hall. The entire "South Park" gang is there, along
with Tom, Jerry, Nibbles, Spike, Tyke, Droopy Dog, Butch, Barney Bear and
Yakky Doodle. Tom has the Lifetime Achievement Emmy for Kenny.)
Tom: Congratulations, Kenny McCormick! No one can bounce back from being
electrocuted, chopped up into little bits, impaled and many other gruesome
ways of dying better than you!
(Among the crowd, a woman who looks familiar is seen wearing sunglasses.
Suddenly, she takes them off, yells and bounds onto the stage. It's none
other than Peggy Charren, president of Action for Children's Television.)
Charren: AHA! I caught you! Violence on television leads to violent
children!
Cartman: Bull(BLEEP)!
(Suddenly, Charren whips out an AK-47.)
Charren: DIE, KENNY, DIE! (She shoots him full of lead, and he drops.)
Stan: Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastards!
Charren: Now I'm going to ask Congress to pass strict TV censorship laws,
and have them name me the chairperson of the censorship board!
(Droopy goes up to her.)
Droopy: (Laconically) You know what, you've made me very angry! (He
suddenly seizes her by her right arm and thrashes her in all four
directions.)
Barney: Will you look at that! Droopy's kicking her ass!
(Tyke bites Charren on the rear end.)
Spike: HA CHA CHA CHA CHA CHA CHA CHA CHA CHA! That's my boy!
Nibbles: (Who, it turns, out sounds more like Weird Harold from "Fat
Albert" rather than that phony French accent he had in those "Three
Musketeers" inspired "Tom and Jerry" shorts; if you doubt me, check out the
1980 Filmation "Tom and Jerry" series, dude!) Yeah, that's it, Droopy and
Tyke! Kick her ass!
(Yakky Doodle pecks Charren's right shin, sending her howling. Butch kicks
her ass for good measure.)
Jerry: And to think she thought we were violent!
Chef: Man, I want to kick her ass when they're done with her!
Announcer: Don't miss what happens on the next all new episode of "South
Park"! Wednesday night at 10:00 PM Eastern, 9:00 PM Central, only on
Comedy Central. If you don't have Comedy Central, call your local cable
company today and tell them to add Comedy Central now!
(Another commercial. A bunch of grungy teenagers are on a service road next
to the Long Island Expressway somewhere in Ronkonkoma, New York. One of
them is at another service road across the LIE from the others. He sets a
can of Surge on a folding table, opens it up, and yells "SURRRRRRRRRGE!"
The teens now rush out. One would expect them to be ran over, but since the
LIE is known as "The World's Longest Parking Lot," and it's in the middle
of rush hour, they just walk, hop and step over cars caught in gridlock
while their drivers yell, curse and give the finger at them. One of the
drivers looks suspiciously like the author's biological father, a man in his
early 50's with brown balding hair, and driving a silver Chevy Truck. One
of the teens makes it across and grabs the can of Surge.)
Announcer: Surge. A fully loaded citrus soda with carbos. Surge. Feed the
rush!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
ACT III, DEVIL RAYS 0
(Which once again proves that expansion teams suck!)
(The Real Ghostbusters logo ghost is seen upside-down. He notices it and
turns himself around.)
Logo Ghost: We now return to "The Real Ghostbusters"!
Jane/Slimer: That did it! (She goes to the logo, and spins it around
violently, causing the logo ghost to be thrown violently offstage.) I just
hope nothing like this happens again! (She goes back on stage.)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 1: The hallway of Lawndale High School.
(Jake is seen running for his life from Daria/Tommy.)
Jake: Daria, can't we talk this out?
Daria/Tommy: IT IS TOO LATE FOR TALKING! (She/he projectile vomits green
pea soup again.)
Brittany: HELP ME! SOMEONE HELP ME!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 2: The auditorium.
(Background music: "Super Bon-Bon" by Soul Coughing.)
(The Ghostbusters are still testing out the settings on their proton packs.
Nothing seems to be working.)
Egon: I don't know if we can risk any more of these experiments; the higher
we set these, the more risk we'll do something to Jane.
Suzanne: Well, Mister Smarty-pants, if you designed these weapons yourself,
don't you know what setting to put them on?
Egon: Miss Sugarbaker, ghostbusting isn't an exact science.
Suzanne: Well, excuse me! (She huffs at him.)
Julia: Suzanne, we're fighting for our lives here, and you have to
complain?
Clinton: Man, all this is making mah troubles look trivial! Ah wonder how
Al is doing while Ah'm away?
Jane/Slimer: Well, if that depiction of him as Eeyore the donkey from
"Winnie-the-Pooh" that I saw on an episode of "Pinky and the Brain" is
right, we're in very big trouble!
Clinton: Have you read his book on the environment?
Jane/Slimer: Well, actually, I'm waiting for the movie to come out!
Egon: OK, I guess we'll give it one last chance. Crank the proton packs up
one more notch! (They do so.) OK, ready, aim, fire! (They fire away.
Slimer is hit, then suddenly, he's thrust out of Jane.)
Peter: We did it, Egon! We got the proton pack calibrated!
Ray: But that's only half the battle, Peter! We've got to find a way out
of here!
Egon: (Taking a power meter and checking the reading) None of us can get
out of here, but any ghost can!
Peter: Egon, you're not saying--
Egon: Yes, Peter, we're going to have to equip Slimer with one of our
proton packs and send him out there.
Peter: I was afraid you were going to say that. OK, Slimer. (He floats to
him.) Put this on. (He does so.) I'm trusting you to keep the damage and
casualties low until we can get out of here, OK?
(Slimer grunts his approval and goes.)
Peter: I guess I'll take that for a "Yes."
Winston: Until the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man arrives, Slimer's our only
hope.
Peter: Man, I'd rather be stuck in traffic somewhere on the New Jersey
Turnpike!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 3: Outside the high school.
(Background music: "Blister" by Salt.)
(A UPS driver pulls up. He takes out a package.)
UPS Driver: My instructions say that when I get here, to open this package
up. Well, here goes!
(He opens it up, and the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man emerges. The driver
yells, goes back to his truck and drives away.)
UPS Driver: Man, I've got to lay off having Coors with my baloney
sandwiches for lunch! (He disappears down the road.)
Stay-Puft: Where is everyone? (He reduces his size and goes into the
school. He notices the energy barrier surrounding the auditorium. He takes
a peek inside.) Hey, guys! What are you doing in there!
Peter: Hey, there's the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man!
Helen: HUH!
Egon: Long story, Mrs. Morgendorffer. Stay-Puft, we need you to bring down
this energy barrier.
Stay-Puft: OK! (He thrusts his hand into it, and absorbs the energy.)
Egon: OK, let's move out! (They leave the auditorium.)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 4: The hallway.
(Background music: "One" by Metallica.)
(Slimer is going down the hallway, cautiously. He hears an unearthly roar
and runs to investigate. Daria/Tommy has Brittany trapped in a corner.)
Daria/Tommy: YOU WILL HAVE MY LOVE CHILD!
Brittany: But, why?
Daria/Tommy: Because you refused to sleep with me when I visited here! Our
love child then will wreak vengeance on Lawndale and destroy the Misery
Chick! He will take over the world! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Brittany: NEVER!
Daria/Tommy: IT IS TOO LATE!
(Slimer goes up behind her/him and fires. It just misses, distracting
her/him.)
Daria/Tommy: WHAT! (She/he turns around and now sees that the entire
Ghostbusters gang and the others are behind her. The spooky guitar riff
from the "Theme from 'Ghostbusters'" now plays, and the instrumental version
of the song plays throughout the rest of the scene, with the occasional
shouting of the chorus "GHOSTBUSTERS!" throughout.)
Egon: As they say in football, Tommy Sherman, you're now at fourth and
long!
Peter: Might as well turn in your helmet and give up!
Daria/Tommy: NEVER! (She/he lunges right for them. They fire. She/he
collapses to the floor in agony. The ghost of Tommy Sherman leaves, then
flees, leaving Daria behind. Brittany goes up to her.)
Daria: What the Hell happened to me?
Brittany: Daria! You're back to you plain old miserable self! That isn't
much, but it's sure better than what you just were!
Dana: Right now, we've got ectoplasmic ass to kick! LET'S ROCK! (They go
in pursuit.)
(They run down the hallway. Dana sees Tommy and chases him. Tommy,
however, then gets behind her, then corners her.)
Tommy: YOU WILL HAVE MY LOVE CHILD! (He opens his mouth, and another mouth
juts out. Dana cringes at the sight of it.)
Dana: Oh, no! Not again!
(Tommy feels a tap on his shoulder. He sees the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man
right behind him.)
Stay-Puft: Leave my friends alone! (He punches him clear across the hall,
and right through to outside.)
Daria: Don't let that bastard get away!
Egon: Here! (He gives her a proton pack.)
Daria: Thanks!
(They run off in pursuit.)
(Tommy hopes to make a clean getaway, but suddenly finds himself
surrounded.)
Peter: This is your two minute warning, Tommy!
Tommy: YOU WILL NEVER GET ME! (He roars, then unleashes energy that
overwhelms Lawndale.)
Daria: You're going down, Tommy Sherman! (She fires. Tommy shrieks in
agony. The rest join in.)
Peter: In you go, Tommy! (He grabs a ghost trap, and flings it right
beneath Tommy. He steps on the trigger, and Tommy begins to go down.)
Tommy: I'm taking you with me, Misery Chick! (He grabs her, but Stay-Puft
charges at them, frees Daria and tackles Tommy.)
Stay-Puft: You'll have to trap me with him! It's your only chance!
Peter: Right! (Stay-Puft drags Tommy down into the trap. Peter takes his
foot off the trap, closing it.)
(Jane runs to Daria.)
Jane: Daria, are you OK?
Daria: Considering that I was possessed by the ghost of Tommy Sherman and
then saved by another ghost, I'm fine.
(Everyone warily goes to the trap. Egon picks it up. The sky brightens to
reveal the damage done to Lawndale.)
Egon: We did it, but look at the damage that's been done.
Clinton: If it helps, Ah can declare this town a Federal disaster area.
Daria: Which is more than I could say for him!
Peter: Well, I guess we'll take this ghost back with us!
(Ms. Li goes to Egon.)
Egon: Dr. Spengler, congratulations for putting an end to this haunting!
Egon: Ms. Li, from what I've seen of this situation, Tommy Sherman is
indeed a sleezebag! Daria was right. We're going to dispose of this ghost
properly. We'll send you a bill as soon as we can. Right now, I just want
to get out of here!
Daria: You know, Jane, that Egon is a man after my own heart.
Jane: C'mon, Daria, Trent's the one you really care about.
Daria: True, but Egon's smart and he's got a job.
Peter: Our job here is done. Have a nice day! (He and the other
Ghostbusters leave.)
Ms. Li: That's it? It's all over?
Daria: Not quite! I think there's one matter we should discuss, Ms. Li?
Ms. Li: And what's that?
Daria: Possible violations of mine and other student's civil rights in this
whole mess!
Ms. Li: Ms. Morgendorffer, you're trying my patience!
Daria: I won't file a big suit if you promise to do this--(She whispers in
Ms. Li's ear.)
Ms. Li: Never! I won't even consider it!
Daria: Then I'll see you in court! Come on, Mom! I want to file a suit!
Ms. Li: Then again, I can be flexible!
(Daria stops in her tracks, and smiles.)
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Scene 5: Ghostbusters Headquarters.
(The Ghostbusters are at the containment unit. Egon puts Tommy and
Stay-Puft inside.)
Egon: Well, that takes care of that.
Peter: Man, that Daria is one creepy woman. I'm just glad that Janine
isn't like that!
(Outside, Slimer is minding his own business. However, Prof. Dweeb is seen
going up to him with a device that's supposed to suck up ghosts.)
Prof. Dweeb: AHA! I caught you! (Slimer screams in panic.) There's no
escape this time!
(Peter and the others hear it.)
Peter: Oh, no! Not that Prof. Dweeb guy again!
(They all race upstairs and outside. However, when they get there, they see
someone kick the crap out of Prof. Dweeb. It's none other than Janine.
She's wearing a brown T-shirt, a green field jacket, a black knee-length
skirt and black combat boots.)
Janine: And don't you ever bug my friend Slimer again! (Dweeb crawls
away.)
Peter: Janine, is that you?
Janine: Yes it is, Dr. V! (She goes right up to him.) You know, meeting
that Daria girl has given me a new attitude. First, I'm not going to put
up with your advances anymore! Second, I want a raise! Third, Egon, I want
you to marry me! Fourth, any lip from anyone and I'm going to kick the
crap out all of you!
Peter: Oh, my god! Daria's created a monster out of Janine! Run! (They
all do, with Janine in pursuit.)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 6: The Morgendorffer's living room.
(The Morgendorffers, Jane, and the Sugarbakers crew are going over final
plans. The TV is on to the local news.)
TV Reporter: President Clinton, knowing that he can't win in an impeachment
trial, resigned today. He said that he's found religion, became Catholic
and went to a Trappist monastery in Vermont.
Daria: How weird.
Julia: Here's our final proposal. I hope you like it! (She shows it to
Jake. Suddenly, the front door opens, and some hulking Lawndale football
players enter.)
Player # 1: Hey, Misery Chick! What's the idea of having the Tommy
Sherman Memorial Goalpost torn down and having a new one built dedicated to
Albert Einstein!
Daria: It was my idea. Besides, Tommy Sherman is an asshole!
Julia: How dare you ruffians barge in here and interrupt us like that!
Player # 2: Can it, sister!
(Julia gets up and slaps him across the face. Daria then goes to several
of them and kicks them in the testicles. They get the message and leave,
going "AAAAAAAAA!" as they run.)
Daria: Thanks for bailing me out of that mess, Ms. Sugarbaker.
Julia: You know, you remind me of myself when I was your age. I wasn't
too popular at high school and I had to put up with an airheaded sister
myself.
Suzanne: Julia!
Mary Jo: If the shoe fits, Suzanne, wear it!
Daria: Care to go to Smoggy Ralph's Bistro with me and talk about old
memories over dinner?
Julia: Sure. Excuse us, everyone! We're going to have some girl talk.
(She and Daria go outside and down the street.)
Jake: But we don't even know what our new living room's going to look like!
Helen: Jake, we've been through having our daughter possessed by a
sleezebag of a ghost, our town being smashed up, and you have to complain
about our living room? Daria needs some fun right now. She's been through
a lot!
Jake: But, Honey--
Helen: SHUT UP, JAKE!
Jake: Yes, Dear!
(Daria and Julia are seen going down the street.)
Julia: Are your parents always like this?
Daria: I'm afraid so.
(Ray Charles' rendition of "Georgia on My Mind" begins to play as the
closing credits roll. Makeovers include Mack as Winston, Upchuck as Egon,
Mr. O'Neill as Ray, Jake as Peter, Helen as Janine, Kevin as Slimer, Jeffy
as the kid in bed from the DIC tagline, Daria as the Columbia torch lady,
and Mr. DeMartino as the Tri-Star Pegasus. The Daria logo is seen just as
the show fades to black. However, instead of the MTV Animation logo, cut to
a scene where sweaty hands are seen over a piece of metal. The left hand is
holding a die while the right holds a hammer. A ominous Timpani drumroll
is heard as the hammer hits into the die twice, with a loud "CLANG!" each
time. However, at the second time, the hammer hits into the left thumb.
The person drops the hammer and die and turns to the audience. It is none
other than the author of the story. He holds his left hand up and yells,
"OUCH! I HIT MYSELF WITH THE !@#$%^& HAMMER!" He walks away as it now
becomes clear that a red computer zero [a zero with a slash through it] has
been chiseled into the metal, with lettering above it and below it which
says "MARK ZERO FAN FICTION UNLIMITED." Fade to black.)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE END
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
THIS HAS BEEN AN EXCLUSIVE CREATION OF MARK ZERO FAN FICTION, UNLIMITED!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
CLANG! CLANG! OUCH! I HIT MYSELF WITH THE !@#$%^& HAMMER!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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