Daria
In:
"Wing Commander: Heart of the Cynic"
Written by: Mikhael Beattie (Mikhaelb@hotmail.com)
'Daria' is owned by MTV, and Wing Commander is owned by
Origin Systems, Inc. (Insert the rest of the Copyright
garbage here)
Well, I don't know if I'll capture the spirit of the show
right, but what the hey, I've had a semi-idea for a Daria/
Wing Commander crossover for a while now. If there's any
really messed up that's my own deteriorating psyche talking. :)
And just a brief intro for those of you unfamiliar with the
Wing Commander series. Basicly in 2629, humanity
first encountered a race calling themselves the Kilrathi.
For 5 years the Kilrathi attacked and destroyed/captured
human ships traveling along their borders. In 2634, humanity
declared war and fought the Kilrathi for 36 years, finally
winning with the destruction of Kilrah in 2670. Colonel
Christopher Blair was one of humanity's top pilots by the
time he left pilot status, and the character you play in
Wing Commander 1-4. For a good picture of Blair, he's played by
Mark Hamil in WC3/4. Now, on with the show.
(One more minor note, for the purposes of this story Lawndale is in
California).
[Standard Intro Sequence, except with the Wing Commander
3 theme playing intead of "You're Standing On My Neck" by
Splendora]
Act 1-The beginning of our story
Location: Lawndale High School, Friday
CUT TO: Mr DeMartino's Room
(Mr D is standing in front of his desk, in the middle of a
lecture)
DeMARTINO: Now, can ANY of you ENLIGHTEN me as to the DATE that
the Japanese attacked PEARL Harbor, thus drawing the United STATES into
World War 2? KEVIN!
KEVIN: Uh...isn't that like the sequal to the first one?
DeMARTINO: NO Kevin, now ANSWER the question!
KEVIN: Like, the fourth of July?
DeMARTINO: The incredible DEPTHS of your stupidity continue
to AMAZE me Kevin. MISS MorgenDORFfer, perhaps YOU
could give us the answer!
DARIA: (usual deadpan) The Japanese attacked the Pearl
Harbor Naval Base December 7th 1941.
DeMARTINO: VERY good Daria. Perhaps if the REST of the
brainDEAD losers in this class had your brains I wouldn't
be on MEDICATION.
JANE: I resent that! I'm not braindead, I just leave it
shut off so I don't kill any more brain cells then I have to.
(The class snickers as the bell begins to ring)
DeMARTINO: Miss Lane, if I wasn't about to leave this
CESSpool behind and go home, I'd give you DETENTION
for the rest of your NATURAL life!
(The comment is pretty much ignored as the class filed
out while Mr DeMartino was talking)
CUT TO: DARIA and JANE walking home.
DARIA: From Mr DeMartino's reaction, I see I have tought
you well in the Smartass side of the Force, young Lane.
JANE: Well, it's true. If I kill off any more brain cells, I
might turn into Trent. I can't afford to sleep all day and
have my best friend head over heels in love with me.
Besides, it'd be too weird.
DARIA: (Gives Jane the "Glare of Imminent Peril") I hate you.
JANE: (smirking) Why thank you, it's so nice to be hated.
DARIA: (Changing the subject) So, what's up on the docket for Jane Lane
this weekend?
JANE: Trent wanted to take me with him to this new place up in Middleton
where he heard Mystic Spiral might be able to get a gig. Want to come?
DARIA: When you heading out?
JANE: About noon on Saturday.
DARIA: I'm there. Anything to get me out of Family Fun day.
JANE: And anything to get you into the same small, enclosed space as
Trent, right?
DARIA: (Gives Jane another death glare) I'm going to get you for this,
Jane.
JANE: Aww, you're no fun Daria. No fun at all.
CUT TO: The Morgendorffer dinner table, with the Morgendorffer clan around
it eating.
HELEN: So girls, how was school today?
QUINN: Mom, you're asking about school! What do you think it would
be like? Anyway, today Sandi had on this completely cuuuuute outfit and-
HELEN: (cutting Quinn's mindless babble off) How about you, Daria?
DARIA: Oh, you know. Climbed up onto the roof with a rifle and
sniped at kids in the parking lot. The usual.
JAKE: WHAT Daria? You didn't kill anyone did you? Why I remember
when my father took me out hunting once, he made me shoot a squirrel!
It was so innocent! It didn't have to die! Well old man, you'll
never get me to shoot anything again!
HELEN: Jake, dear, she was kidding.
JAKE: Huh? Oh! I get it. (laughs) So, you kids ready for Family
Fun day tomorrow? It'll be great!
QUINN: No way dad, I've got seven dates tomorrow! I have to be up
early to get ready for the first one at noon.
JAKE: Daria, you'll be there, won't you?
DARIA: Sorry Dad, Jane invited me to go with her and Trent up to
check out a possible gig for Mystic Spiral up in Middleton. Well,
I'm done. I'll be in my room if anyone wants to bother me.
[DARIA stands up and walks upstairs, leaving a dejected looking
JAKE at the table, ignored by both QUINN and HELEN.]
Act 2-Vengeance of the Grand Ole Oprey (yes, that does relate slightly to
this act)
Trent's car, on the road back to Lawndale from Middleton, Saturday
(Daria is riding shotgun and Jane is in the back, leaving Trent
driving)
TRENT: So what did you think Janey?
JANE: I dunno, it seemed a little too....country. (shudders)
TRENT: You noticed that too? What do you think Daria?
DARIA: (Thought VO) I think I want to be sitting in your lap (Out loud)
Um...I agree with Jane.
TRENT: Cool. You two think a lot like, don't you?
DARIA: Um...I guess.
[TRENT smiles at DARIA, causing her to blush and look out the window.]
JANE: (leaning forward to whisper in Daria's ear) Hey, you're supposed to
smile back you know.
DARIA: (Not quite a whisper, blushing even more) Go to hell. Go
directly to hell. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.
TRENT: (seemingly oblivious) $200? Where?
DARIA: Um...no where. Jane just..uh...asked about how much a really good
CD player cost.
TRENT: Cool.
[JANE turns her head to look out the window, then raises an eyebrow]
JANE: Daria, did you just see that?
DARIA: What?
JANE: There was a flash of- (Jane is drowned out as a loud rumble passes
over the car)
DARIA: That was certainly odd. Probably just lightning.
[JANE points up towards the sky]
JANE: Isnt that a wee bit difficult without clouds?
DARIA: I guess we could go check it out. Is there a turn-off around here?
TRENT: Yeah, here it is now.
[TRENT takes the turnoff to a road perpindicular to the main highway
and floors it. DARIA and JANE are peering out the windows, trying
to find some sign of the source of the flash.]
JANE: Trent! I think I see something off to our right! Stop the car!
[The cars skids to a stop and DARIA, TRENT, and JANE hop out, grab
flashlights from the trunk, and head into the field. After about
10 minutes of walking, they come up to a pod like object, large
enough for a human to fit in, but be cramped.]
TRENT: Cool. Aliens.
JANE: Aliens? Right, it's probably just a military test craft or
something.
[DARIA lets her curiosity take her over to the pod. She begins
to study it then slides a small panel aside quickly, pulling her hand back
and shaking it.]
DARIA: Damnit, this thing is hot.
JANE: DARIA! Are you crazy? Don't touch it!
DARIA: Jane, calm down. It's not like its carrying Ebola. (pulls
the lever that was under the panel.)
[The pod hisses for a moment and a section on the top opens up.]
TRENT: (seemingly oblivious to possible ramifications of the situation)
Aliens. Cool.
JANE: (Glares and Trent) Be serious for once will you!
TRENT: Sorry Janey.
DARIA: (shines her flashlight into the pod, then says quietly) Sweet
mother of...Jane, Trent...I think it's human.
TRENT: Woah. Lemme see. (Trent approaches the pod and looks inside.)
Must be human. Look at that tag.
[TRENT points to a cloth patch on the person's suit that says 'BLAIR']
JANE: Blair? Blair, I've heard that before.
[JANE circles the pod, thinking to herself.]
DARIA: Come on Trent, gimme a hand in getting him out of here.
[TRENT and DARIA undo the restraining straps and pull BLAIR out
of the pod as he starts to come to.]
BLAIR: Ergghhh.... (pulls off his helmet, revealing an aging, but
still quite active face, wrinkled from years of constant stress).
What are you kids doing here, this is a warzone.
[DARIA and TRENT look at each other with arched eyebrows, then back to
BLAIR.]
DARIA: There's no war here, Mister....
JANE: Colonel Christopher Blair, Terran Confederation Space Forces.
(Everyone looks over at her) I figured it out. Blair is the main
character from that one computer game, Wing Commander 3.
BLAIR: Well, you got the name and service right miss, but I'm not
a sprite. (Grunts a bit as he pulls himself to his feet)
TRENT: You all right, Colonel?
BLAIR: Call me Chris or Blair, and I'm fine. Just some bruises.
Now, might ask who you are and where exactly we are?
DARIA: I'm Daria Morgendorffer, over there is my best friend and
partner in crime Jane Lane, and this is-
JANE: (Cutting Daria off) my brother and Daria's boyfriend Trent.
[DARIA glares at Jane for the umpteenth time that day]
BLAIR: (chuckling as Daria glares at Jane) And my second question?
DARIA: You're about 35 miles outside of Lawndale, California.
BLAIR: I wonder how I got all the way back to Sol...last I checked
I was making the jump to Tyr with the TCS Sheffield, to rendezvous
with the Victory...I suppose catapstrophic jump failure is a possiblity
....Iguess I can find my way to the nearest Confederation office...wait,
what year is it?
TRENT: 1999.
BLAIR: Oh hell. So much for that plan. I guess my only hope of
getting back is that the Sheffield came here too and is somewhere
in the system to pick me up. Do you know of anywhere I can hide out for a
few days?
TRENT: (whispering to Jane) Think we can let him stay with us?
JANE: (whispering back) Sure, mom and dad are off in Europe again. They
won't even know.
TRENT: Ok Chris, I guess you can stay with me and Janey.
BLAIR: Great...I need to pull the emergency beacon and communications
from the pod then set the pod's destruct system, and we can be on
our way. And we should probably make it quick; I'd bet my silver
eagles you weren't the only ones to see me land.
[BLAIR pulls an object just larger than a briefcase out from the
inside of the pod, then pulls another, smaller object out from under
the instrumentation. Then he quickly taps a series of numbers into
a keypad at the left side of the pod.]
BLAIR: We're done here, let's run. We've got about 15 minutes to clear
out.
[Cut to a wide shot of all four running back towards Trent's car]
ACT III- Heart of the Cynic
The Lane residance, Monday evening
DARIA and JANE are in the kitchen, with TRENT and BLAIR in the living
room.
DARIA: Let's hurry this up, Sick Sad World is almost on.
JANE: I'm hurrying, I'm hurrying. Give me a break, it's not my
fault Trent eats more than most small nations.
DARIA: (really wanting to catch SSW) Ok, we're done. (grabs a plate
full of sandwiches and heads to the living room.)
JANE: Well I know where HER priorities lie. (sarcasticly) With this
Sick, Sad World we live in. Not. (grabs a few cans of Coke and follows
DARIA).
[JANE and DARIA set their respective plates on the table. DARIA
takes a seat on the couch, on the opposite end from TRENT. JANE
flops down by the table, with BLAIR sitting in an old looking La-z-Boy.]
DARIA: (clicking the channel to SSW) And now for some quality TV with
dinner.
SSW ANNOUNCER: Are killer felines marauding across the planet?
Does your cat secretly yearn for your blood? Man eating house cats next
on Sick Sad World!
BLAIR: If only they knew. (absent chuckle).
JANE: Yeah, why bother getting eaten by small felines when you can
get eaten by really BIG ones with sharp pointy teeth and fly space ships.
[BLAIR winces slightly.]
BLAIR: You know...I'm not really hungry. I think I'm going to go
get some rest. (walks off to a guestroom).
JANE: What'd I say?
DARIA: I don't know, I'll go talk to him.
CUT TO: Guestroom, BLAIR lying on his back on the bed, staring at the
ceiling.
DARIA: (knocking on the doorframe) May I come in?
BLAIR: It's open.
DARIA: (walks into the room and leans against a wall by the bed) What
happened downstairs?
BLAIR: (sighing) Sorry, it's just what Jane said hit a little close to
home.
DARIA: Want to talk about it?
BLAIR: Why not? Well...I had someone who meant the galaxy to me.
She was one of the few who believed in me when the entirety of
Confed thought I was a traitor. And a few weeks ago I found out
that she had been captured on a covert operation to the Kilrathi
homeworld. There wasn't an interrogation....that bastard Thrakhath
just...(chokes up slightly, then continues) gutted her with his
claws. And during one of their damned ceremonies afterwards Thrakhath
and the Emperor...well, ate her.
DARIA: (Hanging her head slightly) I'm sorry...
BLAIR: Don't worry about it Daria. Angel died doing her job...that's
all anyone can really ask for.
DARIA: True enough. Anything I can do..?
BLAIR: Not really...except, if there's someone you love, let them
know. You never know when they'll be taken out of your life, forever.
DARIA: But what if you're too scared to say anything?
BLAIR: (looking over at Daria) Look Daria, you can't let fear stop
you. Think about it this way: If the guy you love dies tomorrow,
will you really be able to live with yourself for never telling
him how you feel? Sometimes we just have to take risks, no matter
how afraid we are. Now, I'm going to assume by your reaction there
is someone. Mind telling me who?
DARIA: Well, I...um..er...(gets flustered)
BLAIR: Let me guess...Trent?
DARIA: (Deadpan thought VO) Great, he's a telepath. (Out loud, softly)
Yes, it's Trent.
BLAIR: Then let me tell you something else. I've seen the way he
looks at you. I'd bet all the kitty litter on Kilrah he feels the
same way about you that you feel about him.
DARIA: (smirking) Well, I don't exactly need the kitty litter.
BLAIR: You never know what you'll need. Now, go down there and tell him
or I will.
DARIA: You wouldn't...
BLAIR: Watch me. (starts to yell) Tren-
DARIA: (cutting him off) Ok ok ok, I'll do it. (walks out)
BLAIR: (smiling) Good luck, kid.
CUT TO: Downstairs, the Living room.
DARIA: (A little soft) Trent, can I talk to you outside for a moment?
TRENT: Sure Daria.
[DARIA and TRENT walk outside and sit down on the steps]
TRENT: So Daria, what did you want?
DARIA: Well....I kinda wanted to tell you something...it's kinda personal.
TRENT: I see...what is it?
DARIA: I...er...um...well I..um...
TRENT: (gently taking Daria's hand) It's ok Daria, you can tell me.
DARIA: (Gets even more flustered and blushes) Well, I-
JANE: (throws the door open) Hey you too, get in here! There's a
special about transvestite ducks on Sick Sad World! (notices Trent
holding Daria's hand) Awwww...ain't that sweet. I'll leave you
too lovebirds alone then. (closes the door)
TRENT: (thought VO) Damn it Janey. (Out loud) Sorry about that Daria...go
ahead.
DARIA: (having lost most of her nerve) Um..er...(sighs) Trent, I...really
...(looooooong pause, then whispers very, VERY quietly) love you.
TRENT: (blinks, almost shocked that Daria would open herself up THIS much)
I..uh..um..er....
DARIA: (looking up into Trent's eyes, still whispering) Yes....
TRENT: (rushes out, so he doesn't lose his nerve) Iloveyoutoo.
[Both DARIA and TRENT stare at each other for a few long moments, then
embrace]
DARIA: I've wanted this for such a long time...but Trent, do me a favor?
TRENT: Anything.
DARIA: Don't tell Jane. (smiles evilly). I want my revenge for her damned
yenta act.
TRENT: Done and done. Let's get back inside, it's getting a bit chilly.
ACT IV- The Price of Boredom
The Lane residence, Friday of the next week
BLAIR, JANE, DARIA, and TRENT are all sitting around the kitchen table.
JANE: Any luck on getting ahold of the Sheffield, Chris?
BLAIR: Not a bit. The subspace transmitter on the emergency comm
and beacon should be able to be heard by them if they're anywhere
in the systems connected to Sol.
DARIA: And those would be....
BLAIR: The systems with jump lines to and from Sol are Polaris,
Sirius, Alpha Centari, and Talos.
TRENT: It's been almost a week...if they didn't find any trace of
the Kilrathi wouldn't they have tried to come back to Sol?
BLAIR: Yes...assuming they came through to this time with me and
weren't destroyed in the process. Even if they did come through,
they probably sustained severe damage to the jump drive. It could
take them hours, days, or weeks to get it fixed. And depending
on where they might've ended up, it could take just as long to get back to
Earth, maybe longer.
DARIA: Well...if you ended up by Earth, it probably can be assumed
that they're somewhere around here. Maybe they got to Tyr, but
are still in this time. How long would it take to get from Sol to Tyr?
BLAIR: Well, in 2668 the Kilrathi got from Kilrah to Earth in about
3 days...so probably around 50, 55 hours total at top speed. Tyr
is just one jump off the Terra-Kilrah route.
DARIA: Would it be at all possible to aim the beacons signal that
way? Maybe they would pick it up sooner if that's where they are.
BLAIR: Yeah, it would...it'd make it harder to detect from other
directions, but that's probably our best bet. I'll get to work
on it now, nothing else to do really.
[BLAIR leaves the room and heads up to the guestroom, where he has
the comm and emergency beacon set up.]
JANE: Now what?
TRENT: We could play cards or something.
JANE: Sounds like a good idea.
DARIA: Same here. Any ideas on what game to play Trent? (looks
over to Trent, sees he's fallen asleep). Great, so much for that idea.
JANE: (nods) Let the boredom begin. I think Sick Sad World is on. Let's
go.
[DARIA and JANE go to the living room, leaving TRENT asleep in one of the
kitchen chairs.]
CUT TO: Guestroom upstairs.
[BLAIR presses a few buttons on a small keypad, and the dish on
top of the setup turns slightly and tilts a little farther upwards.
He continues to tap in a series of numbers, with the dish pointing
to the coordinates he puts in]
CUT TO: Living room
DARIA: (shutting off the TV) This is pathetic. No Sick Sad World,
no entertaining card games we can play with less than three people,
no nothing. I'm almost to the point where'd I'd hang out with the Fashion
Nazis.
JANE: And if you did that, I'd have to kill you. Swiftly and painlessly.
It'd be the humane thing to do.
DARIA: Oh thank you so much. But if you killed me you would've
just wasted all the time you spent playing yenta. (thought VO) Lie
mode on (out loud) Of course, you're still wasting your time even
if you didn't kill me. I really doubt Trent has any feelings for
me beyond friendship. (thought VO) Lie mode off.
JANE: (shaking her head) You really are possibly the most dense
person on the face of the planet Daria Morgendorffer.
DARIA: (deadpan) Yay. I always wanted to be best at something.
JANE: You're impossible. Lets go check on Chris, maybe he's more
entertaining then sitting around.
[DARIA and JANE head upstairs]
CUT TO: Guestroom
[BLAIR is leaning against the bed]
DARIA: Having fun?
BLAIR: Now that I've aligned the dish more or less in the direction
of Tyr, no. Guess its back to the boredom of waiting. I'll probably
be going insane by this time tomorrow.
JANE: The price of boredom is eternal insanity.
DARIA: I thought the price of boredom was suffering a cruel mutation into
Princess Grace.
JANE: No, that's the price of a date with Upchuck.
BLAIR: Princess Grace?
JANE: You know, Quinn, Daria's sister.
BLAIR: Oh yeah, Daria's sister. (Author's note: I couldn't help
myself with that line, I'm sorry!)
[DARIA and JANE start cracking up]
BLAIR: What'd I say that's so funny?
DARIA: Sorry, inside joke.
BLAIR: I see said the blind man, to his wife who could not hear.
DARIA: It's all coming back to me, as he spat into the wind. (Mona Lisa
smile)
JANE: Hey, whats this little flashing light mean?
BLAIR: (moves over to the setup and looks at it.) I'll be damned,
incoming transmission...lets see if this works properly now. (picks
up a headset and flips a switch on the setup)
MAN: Colonel Blair, this is Lt Terrik aboard the Sheffield. When
you didn't come through with us we thought you were a goner for
sure. But when we didn't find ANY trace of the Kilrathi in Tyr
OR G'wriss, we high tailed it back to Sol.
BLAIR: I'm glad to see you Lt Terrik. Where are you now?
TERRIK: We're just outside of Luna's sensor shadow running near
silent. The natives shouldn't pick us up. Where do you want us to send
the pick up shuttle?
BLAIR: Give me one moment (covers the headsets mouthpiece with his
hand) Daria, Jane, where's a place no one will notice a shuttle landing?
JANE: Well....being a Friday night...I'd say...between here and
Middleton in a field somewhere.
BLAIR: Would that really work?
JANE: Sure, the cops around here are incompetant, they probably
just think your pod was some dumb kids playing with propane tanks.
BLAIR: All right...(uncovers the mouthpiece) Terrik, I'm gonna cut
out, home in on my next transmission, that's where you'll send the
shuttle.
TERRIK: Roger that Blair. Sheffield out.
CUT TO: Roughly the same spot BLAIR's pod came down, a couple hours later.
BLAIR: The shuttle should be landing in a few minutes. Guess it's time we
said our goodbyes.
JANE: It's been an entertaining time, Chris. I hope you get back
home and kick some furry butt for us.
BLAIR: Will do Jane.
TRENT: It's been cool, even if I didn't meet any aliens.
BLAIR: You never know Trent. From what Jane and Daria have told
me that Upchuck kid is pretty alien. Maybe you should talk to him.
[Trent does that cough/laugh thing.]
DARIA: Hey Chris, I hope you find someone who can make you as happy as
Angel did.
BLAIR: Maybe it'll happen someday, after the war.
DARIA: Yeah. (leans forward and whispers to him) And thank you.
BLAIR: You're welcome Daria. (smiles and winks)
[A faint roar is heard, getting louder as the shuttle approaches and sets
down nearby.]
BLAIR: Guess my ride is here. It's been fun people. (walks to
the lowered ramp and steps into the shuttle, then turns around).
Good luck and watch your six. (salutes as the ramp folds up.)
[TRENT, DARIA, and JANE return the salute as the ramp pulls all
the way up and the door closes, sealing shut. A few moments pass,
then the shuttle lifts off the ground. Another few moments and
the shuttle has dissapeared, heading towards the Sheffield. TRENT,
DARIA, and JANE walk back towards the car. Fade to black as the three
climb in and drive off]
[Roll credits- Trent as a butcher, Upchuck from his DJ outfit in
'Daria Dance Party', Jane in a Terran Confederation uniform, Quinn
as Hello Kitty (is that right? I think so), Ms Barch as Xena, Sandi
as the Karate Kid, and Daria in a Confed flightsuit, sitting on
the wing of an Exclaibur class fighter.]
Minor notes and such- Yes, I did intend for Daria and Trent to get
together, IMO they should, but, like in this story, shouldn't let
Jane know-So Daria can wreak whatever vengeance she can for the
yenta act. Any questions about the WC elements can be sent to my
email address at mikhaelb@hotmail.com.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
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