The Plot in a Nutshell--Part 2:
"Diarrhea, cha-cha-narf!" (TVPG)
(a Daria/Pinky and the Brain crossover)
By Jonathan M. Sweet, a/k/a Dr. Belch
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RECAP OF PART 1
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DARIA voice-over: Last week on "Daria"--
[clip #1-- BRAIN: ...we shall make arrangements to buy out
the world's entire supply of toilet paper!
[clip #2-- JANE: And that's NOT ridiculous?]
[clip #3-- BRAIN: Peanuts. A very versatile and delicious
foodstuff....]
[clip #4-- BRAIN kicks PINKY in the ass.]
[clip #5-- BRAIN whallops PINKY with peanut.]
[clip #6-- BRAIN: ...but overconsumption of them can lead to
excess water in the digestive tract....]
[clip #7-- JANE whallops PINKY with phone book.]
[clip #8-- QUINN slams door in DARIA's face.]
[clip #9-- JANE's fist whallops PINKY.]
[clip #10-- DARIA spitting milk on the table.]
[clip #11-- ...thus resulting in intestinal spasms,
discomfort, and excessively liquid bodily excretions.]
[clip #12-- JANE's paint-and-clay bolus striking canvas.]
[clip #13-- BRAIN bopping PINKY in JANE's fist.]
[clip #14-- PINKY backslapping BRAIN into book.]
[clip #15-- PINKY: You mean a right wicked case of the
'ershey squirts, BRAIN?]
[clip #16-- BRAIN: YES!!]
[clip #17-- DARIA: And I thought the whole shebang was just
a plot to give America free eye exams.]
[clip #18-- BRAIN looking at letter and howling furiously.]
[clip #19-- BRAIN's voice superimposed over shots of HELEN on
the phone and JAKE half undressed, saying, "The world's
entire supply of toilet paper is in the hands of HELEN and
JAKE MORGENDORFFER of Lawndale."]
[clip #20-- BRAIN and PINKY in package. BRAIN is saying, "We
shall mail ourselves to this address (superimpose voice over
shots of package getting kicked, trampled, and cut by giant
switchblade) and, once there, reclaim what's rightfully
ours....]
[clip #21-- PINKY and BRAIN fall out of package onto table.]
[clip #22-- BRAIN: We require assistance.]
[clip #23-- JANE: We'll do it. DARIA: We will?]
[clip #24-- BRAIN and DARIA shake hands.]
[Fade to black.]
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[opening title sequence to DARIA--"You're Standing On my
Neck" by Splendora--plays]
[Show opens with a shot of the exterior of Acme Labs, then
dissolves to interior shot of PINKY and BRAIN inside their
cage. PINKY, as usual, is running on his wheel. BRAIN is
standing at the far side of his cage with his hands behind
his back, facing the bars.]
PINKY: Gee, BRAIN, what'cha wanna do tonight?
BRAIN: The same thing we do every night, PINKY... [turns and
faces audience, tiny fist in air and face in shadows]...try
to take over the world!
[theme song swells and plays: "They're Pinky and the Brain",
etc., etc.]
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ACT I
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Scene 1
[The following morning. BG MUSIC: P & B theme, instrumental.
Dissolve to extreme close-up of the surface of a chalkboard.
Then a tiny pink hand gripping a big piece of chalk writes
in a large blocky style the letter E. The camera pulls back
in order to reveal THE BRAIN standing in the chalk tray of a
giant chalkboard holding the ckalk in both hands. His
name--PROF. BRAINDULCE--is written in neat caps at the
bottom of the board. Camera pans over a shot of QUINN's
room, with the addition of the chalkboard and two
classroom-style desks. QUINN is seated at the left; PINKY,
perched atop a pile of books, on the right. P & B are both
in their disguises. QUINN is making goo-goo eyes at PINKY.]
BRAIN: Greetings, class, and welcome to Basic Introductory
Spanish I. I am your teacher, Professor Braindulce. Today we
shall be examining the differences between "ser" and
"estar", conjugating a few simple "-ar" and "ir" verbs
[PINKY starts waving his hand in the air and "ooh ooh"ing
excitedly. When BRAIN fails to notice him, he starts waving
both hands and "ooh"s louder], and, if we have the time, we
may examine masculine and feminine noun endings and how they
correlate to the endings of their respective adjectives--
[he notices PINKY at last and breaks off with an impatient
sigh] Yes, PINKY. What do you want?
PINKY: Poit! May I go get a drink of water, BRAI--er--
Professor Braindulce?
BRAIN [sighs]: Yes. You may.
PINKY: Woo-hoo! Zort! [leaps off the pile of books onto the
floor and races happily out the door. QUINN starts raising
her hand and "ooh"ing for attention.]
BRAIN [sighs again]: Spit it out, QUINN.
QUINN: I don't think I need Spanish in my life, Professor
Braindulce. I mean, I have all I need to get by.
BRAIN: Oh, really? If life were all about getting by, my
child, then that would be all well and good. But it isn't.
Tell me--just how much Spanish do you know?
QUINN: Um-- [counts on fingers]--taco...enchilada...
chimichanga... guacamole...burrito grande...lasagna....
BRAIN: That's Italian, QUINN.
QUINN: Oh. I meant to say...crepe suzette.
BRAIN: That's French.
QUINN: Schnitzel?
BRAIN: German.
QUINN [gasps]: God! I am so out of it!
BRAIN: Perhaps it would help to figure out where your
interests are.
QUINN: Oh...that's easy. One, clothes. Two, bouncy hair.
Three, boys. Four, school. [ticks off each on her fingers]
BRAIN: Are you sure you don't wish to pause and reconsider
your priorities?
QUINN: Mmmm...nope.
BRAIN: Very well. From what you've told me, and from what I
see here [noticing QUINN's overstuffed closet], you are very
interested in haberdashery. Correct?
QUINN: No...just clothes.
BRAIN: Yes...well...suppose you purchased a garment that had
a label saying "Lavar en lavador en agua tibia con colores
similares. Secar en secadora a tempertura baja." What would
you do?
QUINN: Get a salesgirl to translate for me.
BRAIN: Forget the salesgirl. There is no salesgirl
available.
QUINN: Find the label instructions in English.
BRAIN [exasperated]: There are none! [sighs] The garment is
made of 100% "algodon"...cotton. What would happen if you
washed it in hot water?
QUINN: The shirt would shrink up and pinch my boobs! Duh!
BRAIN: Yes. The washing instructions clearly say "Machine
wash in warm water with like colors. Tumble dry low." If you
can understand how to read the label instructions in another
language, you can avoid having your -- ah -- mammaries
constricted by a confining garment.
QUINN: Oooh...I think I'm going to like this class.
BRAIN: Okay...now...the Spanish word for "a shirt" [writes
it on the board] is "una camisa". Repeat that, please. "Una
camisa".
QUINN: Una camisa.
BRAIN: Now..."los pantalones" [writes it] means "pants".
Repeat that, please.
QUINN: Los pantalones.
BRAIN: Good. "Los zapatos" [writes it] means "shoes".
Repeat, please.
QUINN: Los zapatos.
BRAIN: Excellent! "Underwear" is "la ropa interior".
QUINN: La ropa interior.
[Fade out with image of BRAIN and QUINN in silhouette, the
P & B theme instrumental in BG.]
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Scene 2
[Dissolve to JANE's room, interior. DARIA is sitting on the
floor next to JANE's bed, looking a bit more down than
usual. JANE enters the room with a sleeping bag and spreads
it on the floor.]
JANE: Hell, it's no four-post queen, but it'll do. Did the
Dragon Lady really give PINKY and THE BRAIN your room?
DARIA: Yep...QUINN offered to let PINKY bunk with her, but
my dad got that bulging vein thing in his forehead, and
Mom's like [imitating HELEN's syrupy voice] "not in my
house, little missy", so they decided to let those little
rats crash in my room for the next week or so. I actually
don't give a crap as long as they don't start chewing the
padding off the walls and pooping under my bed. So, anyway,
here I am. Mom said it was all right if I bunked here with
you. You sure it's OK?
JANE: It's cool. Unless [wry smile] you'd like to spread
your bag on Trent's floor for the night. I warn you,
though--he snores like a buzzsaw, and you don't want to be
around him after he eats a batch of that five-alarm chili he
makes. Gets so bad sometimes you can actually see a heat
shimmer around his butt.
DARIA [nose wrinkled]: Thank you, Barbara Walters.
JANE: Anytime. So...we start moving the goods manana?
DARIA: Yepper...Acme Labs is just a half-hour's drive from
here. We'll need to make a lot of trips to get all that T.P.
unloaded...is The Tank up to it?
JANE: We gave it a pretty good workout on the way to
Athens...but Max said it's up and running again. He gave me
a lot of technical talk and mechanical mumbo-jumbo...but it
all boils down to the same thing...gumwads and Scotch tape
under the hood.
DARIA: As long as loading that first roll of tushie tissue
doesn't completely blow the shocks, then I'm satisfied.
JANE: Great. All signs point to go, then. [momentary pause,
then to herself] Tushie tissue? [Fade out on quick burst of
"You're Standing on My Neck", instrumental, electric
guitar.]
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Scene 3
[Dissolve to QUINN's room, nearing the conclusion of QUINN's
Spanish lesson. Scene opens very similar to as it did in
Scene 1, except QUINN's progress in Spanish has notably
improved.]
BRAIN: QUINN...What would you say to the salesgirl if you
purchased a pair of trousers that were too tight for you?
QUINN: "Perdoname, senorita, pero esos pantalones me
demasiadan apretato."
BRAIN: And if your shirt had a stain on it?
QUINN: "Mi camisa es sucia."
BRAIN: And if you wished to look at a pair of brown shoes?
QUINN: Brown shoes? Uck!
BRAIN: Very well. Red shoes, then.
QUINN: Oh! OK! "Me deseo a mirar a los zapatos rojos, por
favor."
BRAIN: Excellent! Excellent! You've done very well today,
QUINN.
PINKY [raising hand]: Oh! I've got one too, BRAIN! Ahem!
"Puedes tu poner el sopa en mi bolsillo y vomitar en mi
sombrero?" Narf!
BRAIN [an exasperated sigh]: PINKY, you just asked me if I
could put the soup in your pocket and vomit into your hat.
PINKY: Oh...well...could you? Poit?
[QUINN claps her hand over her mouth and tries to stifle
giggles.]
BRAIN: Okay, class. Before we wrap this session up, we shall
learn one more useful phrase. [taps chalkboard with
chalk, indicating a phrase written there in block caps]
"Estas creando que yo estoy creando?" it's something to ask
another person to determine if the two of you are in
agreement. It means "Are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
QUINN [tilts head, smiling]: I think so, Professor
Braindulce, but calling it a flea market! I mean, what were
they thinking?
PINKY [high silly giggle]: Narf!
QUINN [high, girlish giggle]: Narf!
BRAIN [sotto voce, an aside]: Damnation...they're
multiplying. [aloud] Well, that will be it for today, class.
Tomorrow we shall begin our look at irregular verbs and
properly conjugating several basic tenses. "Adios, clase."
QUINN: "Adios, Professor Braindulce!" [gets up and skips
out of the room, her shoulder bumping the board and sending
it revolving on its hinges, catching BRAIN in its
revolutions and sending him whirling and screaming in
terror, a prisoner of inertia. Then he is sent hurtling
through the air and abruptly comes to a stop smack into the
wardrobe door. He slides down the wooden surface, groaning.
PINKY, concerned, runs over to him.]
PINKY: Zort! Poit! Are you all right, BRAIN?
BRAIN [dazed, singing off-key]: Have you ever heard the wolf
cry to the blue corn moon? Or let the eagle tell
you...where...he's...been? [gives a hacking cough and flops
in an unconscious heap. P & B theme, instrumental, tempo
prestissimo. Fade to black.]
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Scene 4
[Dissolve to a montage sequence illustrating the coming week
as it passes by. DARIA and JANE are using The Tank to help
implement THE BRAIN's plan and transport the incoming
deliveries of toilet paper to Acme Labs' concrete bunker.
Meanwhile. QUINN's lessons continue, and she and PINKY are
becoming quite close.]
[BG MUSIC for the sequence alternates between Aqua's "Barbie
Girl" for the PINKY/QUINN scenes and "Sixteen Tons" for the
DARIA/JANE scenes.]
[The montage shots are thus: BRAIN, as Braindulce, asks a
question (we only see his lips move) followed by a fast cut
of QUINN raising her hand and answering it (again, only mute
lip movements), then a fast cut back to BRAIN, smiling and
nodding; a faraway shot of The Tank with two tiny
figures--DARIA and JANE--wheeling upright pushcarts loaded
with boxes from the van's rear to the front doors of the
lab; QUINN and PINKY seated cross-legged on the grass while
PINKY strums a tiny lute and sings mutely (probably the
"Greensleeves" song from "Spell-Bound") and QUINN listens
enthralled; an overhead shot of DARIA and JANE wheeling the
loaded pushcarts up a ramp through open double doors; QUINN
cross-legged on the grass with a bottle of bubble solution,
dipping the stem into the bottle and blowing a stream of
soap bubbles into the air as PINKY gleefully chases them; a
shot of JANE depositing her load of crates next to a growing
stack, then doubling back for a second load as DARIA dumps
her load--here the camera pulls in for a clasp as she wipes
her sweaty brow with the back of one hand--; a shot of QUINN
and PINKY skipping hand in hand (PINKY is in the air
giggling soundlessly) through a flowery meadow; kicking up
blossoms that shower around them--then they pause briefly
in the BG and watch with puzzled expressions as BUDDY bolts
into the frame from stage left with the dogcatcher hot on
his tail (a tempo prestissimo instrumental of "Pop Goes the
Weasel" plays over Aqua briefly during this bit). Pan in
close on them as they look at each other, shrug, and
continue skipping; DARIA and JANE each holding one end of
the final crate of toilet paper as they carry it into the
bunker and place it in front of a monumental stack of boxes.
BRAIN is atop the uppermost crate, grinning broadly. He hops
down the pyramidal pile, looking a bit like Q-bert in his
movements, bouncing emphatically from the tops of the
crates. He stands atop one of the crates on one of the
lowermost tiers, high enough to address the girls from over
their heads. The BG music fades out and then disappears.]
BRAIN: I thank you girls for your efforts. I would have
never done it without your help.
JANE: That's nice. You gonna pay us or what?
BRAIN: Oh...yes...of course. [he reaches down behind a crate
and produces a roll of T.P. in each hand, which he tosses
down into each girl's waiting cupped palms.]
JANE: All that work for this? I'm underwhelmed.
DARIA: Maybe we should look into becoming union thugs.
BRAIN: I assure you, this is a more than generous
recompense. When I seize control of the planet and reduce
every man, woman, and child on earth to sniveling
incontinent wrecks, these rolls of tushie tissue will be
worth their weight in gold!
JANE: Gold toilet paper, eh? [tosses roll from hand to hand] I
bet that's cut you up something fierce. [pauses, murmurs]
Tushie tissue?!
DARIA: Okay...now what happens? [folding arms over chest]
BRAIN: Part two of my plan is ready to commence. Gather
round, ladies. I am about to--in the vernacular--lay it upon
you.
[camera pulls back to show the backs of DARIA and JANE as
they crowd closer to BRAIN, who murmurs his plan to them as
the instrumental P & B theme swells in the BG.]
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Scene 5
[Dissolve to MORGENDORFFER kitchen, interior. The family, as
well as BRAIN, as Braindulce, is gathered about the dinner
table. It is evening, the evening meal is lasagna, hot and
fresh. BRAIN sits to DARIA's right, atop a stack of books to
give him height. QUINN, obviously distracted, is playing
with her food at DARIA's left. JAKE is addressing BRAIN.]
JAKE: So, Braindulce, how is my little princess doing with
her studies?
BRAIN: Quite well, Mr. MORGENDORFFER. I believe I've made
quite a bit of progress with her. The secret to reaching a
problem student is to try to relate to them...to talk to
them on their level.
JAKE: I've always said that.
HELEN: I've never heard you say any such thing.
JAKE [a touch wounded and defensive]: I say a lot of smart
things you never hear me say. [looks about for support,
finds none] Really. I do.
HELEN [insincere]: Yes, honey. [to BRAIN] Professor, where
is PINKY? I haven't seen him all evening.
QUINN [dreamily]: PINKY....
DARIA: Last time I saw him, he was in the bathroom sucking
on his toes.
HELEN: Sucking his toes?!
JAKE [hastily]: Maybe it's a quaint Spanish custom where
he's from, dear.
HELEN: I don't know. Sounds terribly inhygenic to me.
BRAIN: Yes...well...[hops down off of books]...I'll go
fetch him and let him know that his dinner is getting cold.
[exits kitchen]
HELEN: Hmmm....QUINN, Professor Braindulce just said you
were getting along very well in your lessons, Say something
in Spanish for me, dear.
QUINN: "Ah, mama, yo estoy mucho enamorata de Rosadito. Me
desea el mas que vida si mismo." [Subtitles at bottom of
screen: "Oh, Mom, I am very much in love with PINKY. I
desire him more than life itself."]
HELEN [looks at DARIA]: What's she saying, DARIA?
DARIA [understands perfectly but plays dumb]: Um...she said
pass the salt, please. [HELEN smiles and hands QUINN the
salt shaker. She doesn't notice.]
DARIA "Ay, demonios." [Subtitle reads: "Dammit."]
[Cut to interior shot of MORGENDORFFER bathroom, upstairs.
PINKY is standing in front of the mirror, balanced atop a
couple of paper cups on the sink, admiring his reflection
and using both hands to run a black pocket comb through his
hair. He is humming "Greensleeves", with a "narf" and a
"poit" interspersed in the music here and there. The door
opens, stage left, and BRAIN enters. Camera angle slants
over PINKY's shoulder on him.]
BRAIN: What, may I ask, what are you doing?
PINKY: Oh! Poit! I'm gettin' ready for my big date with
QUINN tonight.
BRAIN [aghast]: Big date! Don't be ludicrous! You can't
possibly be serious about going on a date with that ditzy
bottle-blonde slattern.
PINKY: Oh, no, BRAIN, you're wrong. She's not a slattern.
I think she's a Lutheran.
BRAIN [sighs, face in hand]: PINKY...you're a mouse. She's a
human girl. I--
PINKY [gasps]: BRAIN! Don't tell me you're prejudiced!
BRAIN [a bit taken aback]: Well, no--I--I--
PINKY [a bit miffed]: You're nothing but a 'umanist!
BRAIN [puzzled]: I'm a what?
PINKY: You know, a 'umanist! A racist 'ates people of
another race. A sexist 'ates people of the other sex. What
does a 'umanist 'ate? 'umans! Zort!!
BRAIN [exasperated]: Can the George Carlin schtick, PINKY,
and listen to me. Tomorrow night you and I will be
implementing the second half of our plan for world
domination. This house is a perfect base of operations not
only because it was the point of delivery for the toilet
paper, but because it is located conveniently within 50
miles of the Bainks military complex, which is where the
supercomputers that control the military satellites I
require are housed. You and I must infiltrate the base and
get our hands on the special keys that are needed to arm the
satellites, thus combining their strength to pull the earth
off its axis. Can't you remember anything?
PINKY [uncomfortable]: You know I do, BRAIN...but I'm not
sure my 'eart is in it. Not after I've met the girl of my
dreams. [sighs. Pan in slowly on PINKY's face.] It's like
this, BRAIN. I don't 'ave all that much in life--'cept you,
and the labs, and trying to take over the world every
night...but now I 'ave 'er. And I don't want to 'urt 'er or
get 'er all mixed up in this mess. I'm going out on my date
tomorrow with the girl I love, and even though you're my
best friend, I won't let you stand between me and my
'appiness. '[sadly] Troz! So promise me that you'll give up
the whole idea of giving the world the 'ershey squirts,
BRAIN. For 'er...and for me. Poit!
BRAIN [rather moved]: PINKY...old friend...I had no idea how
you felt. Very well--the mission is aborted. [BRAIN's right
hand is behind his back. Camera pans around to rear view
to note that his fingers are crossed.]
PINKY [believes him with the wholehearted faith of a child]:
All right, BRAIN! Now...what do you think about my outfit?
[turns around in a circle to give him the full effect,
humming a snatch of "Greensleeves"]
BRAIN: PINKY, you're naked.
PINKY: Oh...right...[giggles, snorts]...zort! I thought this
fabric breathed pretty well for a natural fiber.
BRAIN: You look fine, PINKY. Now put on your uniform and
come down to dinner. It's lasagna...double cheese, just how
you like it.
PINKY: Yippee! Narf!! [hops down off of sink and races out
of the bathroom. BRAIN hangs back, sighing, feeling very
much like a rat--for lack of a better word--for fibbing to
PINKY, then slowly exeunts.]
[Cut to MORGENDORFFER kitchen, interior. The family is just
finishing dinner as BRAIN and PINKY, in his school uniform,
enter. HELEN leaps out of her chair and seizes PINKY,
crushing him to her bosom in a bruising hug.]
PINKY [strangling]: Urr-rrkk! Narf! Poit!
HELEN [gushing]: Oh, I'm so happy! QUINN just told me the
good news, PINKY darling! I'm so happy for you two!
JAKE: So am I, precious! And--[takes out his wallet]--I have
a little something in my wallet to give you that you might
need later on if your date goes well there, sport!
HELEN [snapping]: JAKE!
JAKE [hastily]: I-I was giving them some money, dear.
Honest.
HELEN : Oh. Ha, ha! Never mind.
JAKE [passes PINKY a folded wad of bills and whispers to
him, bending down] There's a little something special
wrapped up in there for you too, champ. [winks and clicks
teeth]
PINKY: Oh...that's right nice of you, Mr. MORGENDORFFER.
JAKE: Ha! Ha! Why so formal? Call me JAKE--please-I insist!
PINKY: All right, Jake--please--I insist! Narf!
JAKE [giving Vulcan finger sign]: Narf to you too, m'man!
DARIA [sets her knife and fork on her empty plate and
rises]: I'm almost sorry I had to leave in the middle of all
this bonding, but I might as well head over to JANE's now.
If I'm late, they'll start the orgy without me.
PINKY: Oh, I love orgy! Remember when I took up orgy that
one time you and me were trying to get that foreign aid
check from the government, BRAI--er--Senor Braindulce?
BRAIN: No, PINKY, you're thinking or origami, the ancient
Japanese art of paper-folding. An orgy is a wild and
uninhibited sex party that often involves multiple partners
of both genders.
JAKE [outraged, bolts upright form his seat and slams his
fists on the table]: Wild sex party? Multiple partners?!
Dammit, DARIA, not in this house you don't!
QUINN [coolly]: Of course not Dad. She's going to do it at
her kooky artist friend's place.
PINKY [giggles stupidly]: Narf!
QUINN [giggles girlishly]: Poit!
JAKE [hammers fist on table]: Arggh!! Dammit!!!
HELEN [soothing]: Now, JAKE, she's only joking. Be careful
not to get your blood pressure up. Remember what your doctor
said--
[JAKE pounds his fist on the table and howls in pain and
outrage as DARIA exits kitchen and heads into the living
room, a satisfied little smile on her face. A blast of
"You're Standing on My Neck", instrumental, plays in the BG.
Fade to black.]
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Scene 6
[Cut to exterior overhead shot of Chez Pierre, the little
French bistro QUINN frequents with her dates. BG MUSIC:
soft, slow dinner music with piano and violin accompaniment.
The time is about eight in the evening. Pan in on the front
door where we see two figures walk in. Cut to interior and
show QUINN, resplendent in a rose petal-pink floor-length
gown and her coral lipstick, and PINKY waiting for the
maitre'd--a weaselly-looking Frenchman with a big ass and a
stuck-up nose. He wears a toupee resembling a handlebar
mustache precariously balanced on his high head. He
carefully looks up their names in a thick reservation book
on a lectern before him, running a thin finger over the
columns of names.]
MAITRE'D: ...Moffat...Moreley...Morgan...ah, MORGENDORFFER.
So nice to see you again, Madame. [points to PINKY] The
gentleman will have to dress for dinner, of course. This is
a black-tie establishment. [stoops and puts a black necktie,
which is ridiculously long and lies in folds on the floor,
about PINKY's neck.] Walk this way. [The MAITRE'D leads
QUINN and PINKY to their table, walking with an effeminate
little shuffle. PINKY, taking the man literally, imitates
his gait. He trips on the edge of his too-long tie, falls on
his belly, giggles, "narf"s, then picks himself up and
follows QUINN and the MAITRE'D, the tie dragging between his
legs behind him. The three stop, and the MAITRE'D helps
QUINN with her chair, pulling it out and in for her. He
then delicately lifts PINKY, with thumb and forefinger, by
the scruff of the neck and sets him in a booster chair
similar to the ones used in "Brain's Night Off". He
exeunts.]
QUINN [leaning her chin on her hands and gazing amorously at
PINKY]: You know, I think my dad likes you the most of any
of my dates.
PINKY: Poit! Oh, I like 'im too! 'specially since 'e gave me
plenty of money for tonight--and a little pack of gum.
[smacks lips] Tasted kinda like rubber, though.
QUINN [picks up menu]: Maybe we should get ready to order
before the waiter gets back. [consults her menu]:
Hmmm....I'd like the petite d'faus gras, with broccoli
rosettes in hollandaise, canard a'la orange, and chocolate
mousse for dessert. How about you?
PINKY: Troz! Oh, I don't think I could eat a 'ole blinkin'
moose by myself--but I will try one of these whores devours.
QUINN [giggles, reaches out and gives PINKY's hand a playful
brush]: Stop! you're incorrigible! It's pronounced "hors
d'oeuvres"!
PINKY: Oh. Right. Well then [looks at menu], I wonder 'ow
the steak tartar-ay is cooked?
[NOTE: For those who don't know, steak Tartare is served
uncooked. Yummy yum.]
[FURTHER NOTE: Throughout this scene, time doubles back on
itself, going back and forth to accommodate both halves of
the action, then comes together during the time lapse
indicated by the wall clock in Chez Pierre. Hopefully this
thumbnail guide will help eliminate any further confusion.]
[Cut to shot of the outside of a plain, whitewashed
military-type building, seen through a chain-link fence, set
against a night sky. The time is around two in the morning.
There is a shadowy figure--a guard, no doubt--observable in
front of a small guardhouse with the gate up. Hold to this
image during next few lines of dialogue.]
JANE [in a loud, hoarse whisper]: This is the joint we're
busting into? Don't look like much.
DARIA [same type of whisper]: This is what you get when you
cut the military budget to fund socialized medicine.
JANE [still whispering]: It's a young program. Just give it
a chance. That's all I ask. Yo, Knothead, you ready yet?
BRAIN [low tone]: Yes.
[There is a loud whirring sound, then the noise of heavy
footsteps thundering. A dark shadow passes over the
chain-link fence. Pan back to show JANE and DARIA, covered
in shadow, craning their necks to see what is approaching.
Sweep pan to see BRAIN towering over their heads in the
robotic suit he first used in "Win Big", clad in a khaki
military uniform with medals and everything. DARIA and JANE
step cautiously over to admire the suit, fingering it
gently.]
JANE [in a British accent, imitating a character from "Are
You Being Served?"]: Now the pants might be a bit long, but
don't worry, sir, they'll ride up with wear.
DARIA: I've heard clothes, make the man...but this--?
BRAIN: If you poor man's Harry Blackwells are quite finished
critiquing my wardrobe [takes several whirring steps
forward], then let us proceed. Just let me open this gate
first. [tries to gently open the doors to the fence, but
suddenly the suit's arms reach out and tear them off their
hinges, wad them like a beer can, and toss them aside. BRAIN
is frustrated. The girls are astonished.] Blast...I knew I
should have pauses to properly calibrate the thrust shafts
and decreased the torque output after my ill-fated stint in
Japan as a Sumo wrestler.
JANE [with a note of fear in her voice]: Dammit! Smokey
comin'!
voice of GUARD: All right! Hold it there, Sampson! Don't
make a move! Who goes there?
BRAIN: I am not Sampson. [steps forward] I am five-star
general Stormin' Norman Schwartzkopf! [salutes smartly,
bopping himself in the head with suit hand. BRAIN looks
dazed; birds twitter.]
GUARD [who looks and sounds eerily like Barney Fife from
"The Andy Griffith Show"]: "Stormin' Norman"!! [snaps a fast
salute, then looks closer at BRAIN, squinting] Pardon my
French, sir, but what the hell happened to your head? It's
all shrunken up!
BRAIN [grimly]: Old war wound. I don't like to talk about it
much.
GUARD: Oh. I get it. [sniffs, puts thumbs in belt loop and
hitches up trousers] Strong silent type, huh? Yep--me too.
[sniffs again and chuckles] One time I took a bit of flak
right here on a police target range [pats hip]. But did I
cry and moan about it? No siree, Bobarooski. I stitched
it up m'self with a piece'a thread off'n m' uniform and was
back t'work the next day. [chuckles and sniffs]
BRAIN [disinterested]: Fascinating...but please step aside.
I have need of this facility...and the satellites.
GUARD: Oh! Sure thing there, General. [snaps another brisk
salute, then notices DARIA and JANE. With a sappy smile on
his face, he sniffs, hitches up his pants again, and
chuckles] Well, well! What have we here?
DARIA [thinks quickly]: We're a couple of WACs from D.C. I'm
General Schwartzkopf's secretary.
JANE: Ye-eah...and I'm her secretary. [getting nervous]
Yeah--I'm the undersecretary to the secretary of the
General. And I have a secretary too--undersecretary to the
undersecretary to the General. I'm just here to--
DARIA [nudges her sharply and hisses in her ear]: Dammit!
Shhh!!
GUARD [steps over to the door of the facility]: Normally, I
wouldn't do this for just anyone--but, hell, you're the guy
who whupped ol' Uncle Saddam's wacky Iraqi ass, so I guess
it's OK. You'll need the special keys with the decoder
codes on 'em to activate them satellites up 'ere [points
upwards with finger]. I'll fetch 'em for ya. [stoops and
lifts up the corner of a welcome mat on the porch to reveal
six golden keys, scoops them up in his hand, and places them
in BRAIN's robotic suit hand.]
JANE [sotto voce, to DARIA]: The keys to the most powerful
military hardware on earth are under a doormat?
DARIA [sotto voce, to JANE]: Told you--budget cuts.
BRAIN: Thank you. You've done your country a great service.
[takes the guard's hand, forgetting the strength in the
suit's fingers, and nearly crushes it in his grip while
shaking it. The GUARD's face bulges grotesquely in pain,
and he pulls his hand out of BRAIN's grip. It is swollen,
red, and throbbing.] Oh...pardon. me. Sometimes I don't
know my own strength.
GUARD [grunts, then grins]: Quite all right there, sir...no
harm done. Carry on. [tries to salute with wounded hand,
winces. BRAIN, DARIA and JANE pass him and enter the
Bainks complex building. GUARD exeunts.]
[Cut to interior shot of Chez Pierre, around nine PM, QUINN
and PINKY's table. QUINN is having the petite d'faus gras,
broccoli, and duck; PINKY is sitting in his booster chair
taking a bite out of a large cheeseburger with fries next to
it on the plate.]
QUINN: So how long have you been studying under Professor
Braindulce?
PINKY [mouth full]: Oh, I've known him for years. [swallows]
We met in the lab during an experiment on gene splicing, and
we've been good pals ever since. Poit!
QUINN: Yeah. It's nice to see a student and teacher as close
as you and he are. [runs her finger along the inside of the
rim of her glass] He seems a little high-strung, though.
Like he needs a girlfriend or something.
PINKY: He had one once--poit! A right nice little thing
named Billie, she was. BRAIN--er--dulce was 'ead over 'eels
for 'er...but she didn't like 'im that much. Called him
"Egg'ead". 'e tried to impress 'er with a big metal doughnut
and everything, but it didn't work out.
QUINN: Two different worlds, huh?
PINKY: Er...no. I think they're both from the same one
BRAIN's tryin' to take over. [QUINN chuckles, thinking
PINKY's making a joke.] And after she got into this right
koo-ooo-oo-ooky experiment and got all smart and stuff, 'e
dumped 'er.
QUINN: Oh! That's horrible! I hate guys who can't deal with
a smart woman! Just because she tried to, like, better
herself and stuff, he leaves her! What a rat!
PINKY: Ooh, no. 'e 'ates to be called a rat. 'e's a mouse.
QUINN: I don't care how nice and sweet he is. That poor
woman!
PINKY: Don't worry your 'ead, QUINN--it came out all right.
'e forgot all about 'er and went back to tryin' to take over
the world...till one day she came back into 'is life and
told 'im she found a new bloke...BRAIN's former best friend
and now bitterest arch-enemy Snowball.
QUINN: The prof really threw himself into his work to forget
her, huh? God, I hate guys like that. Insensitive jerks who
never bother to call a girl after he takes her out, always
thinking about work, work, work--did you say she dated
Snowball?
PINKY: I think so...why? Troz!
QUINN: I think I went out with him once too. They called him
that, you see, 'cuz, that's, like, what he likes to do with
girls.
PINKY: Play in the snow?
QUINN: No, silly--snowball. See, that's when a girl, like,
blows a guy, right, and then after he gets off in her mouth
she spits it down his throat while she kisses him.
PINKY: Oh...well, I don't think I'd like that. Poit!
QUINN: Was he a tall guy with long blonde hair and a bright
red goatee?
PINKY: Oh, no. 'e was a little 'amster with a big fat head
who wanted to take over the world before BRAIN did.
QUINN: Oh! Must be a different Snowball, then. That one
sounds like a real jerk, too. Both he and Braindulce don't
think about anything but work and beating out the other guy
for some big fat stupid promotion. I hope Billie dumped him,
too.
PINKY: Oo-ooo-oo-ooh--zort! She did dump 'im...and then she
said she wanted to 'ave ME for a boyfriend! She was going to
give me my very own water park with a bi-iii-ii-ig slide and
everything! But I told 'er thanks but no thanks,
sister--'cuz I couldn't go off with 'er and leave my best
pal BRAIN behind! [reflecting, to himself] Even if that WAS
a right nice waterslide...poit!
QUINN: Oo-oooo-ooo-ooh...that's so sweet! You're so loyal to
him--even though he's such a grouch!
PINKY: Yeah. Troz! I'd miss 'avin' 'im always tellin' me 'ow
stupid I am and boppin' me on the head.
QUINN [gasps]: PINKY! No! How could you say such a thing
about yourself? You're not stupid. You...you're like me.
Sweet...and nice...and caring. [takes his hand] I think
you're the only person I've ever met who really understands
me...that I can talk to without feeling like a total moron.
[pan in slowly on QUINN] My family doesn't understand me, my
friends are, like, sometimes so boring the way they just go
on and on about clothes and guys and shopping and stuff,
like that's all there is in life, but I know there's more,
'cuz there's just got to be, right? And my boyfriends--God!
They're always pawing at me and trying to get me into the
sack!
PINKY: Ummm....paper or plastic?
QUINN [doesn't seem to hear, going on faster and faster and
slowly increasing in volume]: I mean, my sister DARIA,
right? She and the prof would probably get along great
together--but I bet she'd dump him because of her attitude
of something! She's all like, "QUINN, you're such a ditz"
and "QUINN, you're too into clothes and boys and stuff"--but
I'm not! Really! And...and all the guys I go out with tell
me that I'm too flighty and teasing and a real pain in the
ass sometimes...but you...[her voice lowers to a husky, sexy
tone]...you're different! You're not like anyone else I've
ever been with! [A snooty waiter passes by the table and
looks at the couple with a "sister-you-don't-know-the-half-
of-it" look on his face.]
PINKY: I-I don't know what to say. Poit!
QUINN: I-I do. [swallows] You're special to me, PINKY. I-I-I
think I love you.
[Pull in for a close-up of QUINN and PINKY as there is the
sound of gagging and a tray of dishes hitting the floor by
a shocked waiter.]
[Cut to overhead shot of a linoleum-floored chamber with
smooth, circular walls lined with computers, maps filled
with pushpins, and star charts. It's about a quarter to
three in the morning. Three small figures--DARIA, JANE, and
BRAIN--enter stage left through a sliding door that
resembles something right out of "Star Trek", their bodies
throwing long shadows over the floor.]
BRAIN: There they are, ladies--the supercomputers. [Cut to
clasp shot of BRAIN, in his robotic suit, one of the keys
gripped in the suit's hand.] Now...insert the keys into
these locks [camera follows BRAIN's pointing finger to a
computer console with six large raised keyholes on it] and,
on my signal, turn them simultaneously. Any questions,
PINKY?
DARIA: Yes...why did you just call me "PINKY"?
BRAIN [fumbling]: I-I didn't.
JANE: I heard it too. I'm no Freudian, Jughead, but I think
you wish PINKY were here taking over the planet with you
instead of a couple of high school kids.
BRAIN: Nonsense. I could care less about that...that Judas.
How dare he put his own happiness and emotions over the
mission. It's...horribly unprofessional. It's...just...
[Pan in slowly on BRAIN's face, looking sad and reflective,
ears drooping. Ripple dissolve to bathroom scene, in
flashback form. PINKY's voice seems to echo.]
PINKY: You're nothing but a 'umanist! What does a 'umanist
'ate? 'umans! Zort! [echo] Zort! Zort! Zort! Zort!
[Ripple dissolve fades out; we see BRAIN's face. He raises
his head slightly. He seems on the brink of tears.]
BRAIN [quietly]: PINKY....
[Ripple dissolve again to bathroom scene.]
PINKY: I don't 'ave that much in life, BRAIN, except you,
and the lab, and trying to take over the word every
night...but now I 'ave 'er...and I don't want to 'urt 'er or
get 'er mixed up in this...So promise me you'll give up the
'ole idea of giving the world the 'ershey squirts,
BRAIN. [echo] Promise me, BRAIN...Promise me...Promise....
mise....[The ripple dissolve disappears quickly with a
popping sound as a pair of fingers in close-up snap loudly
in BRAIN's face, bringing him back to reality. Pan back to
see JANE, looking concerned, trying to bring BRAIN out of
his temporary lapse.]
BRAIN: Eh?...Oh...pardon me...I-- [comes back to himself
with a shake of the head--it makes the sound of water
sloshing] For God's sake, get your damned fingers out of my
face! They reek!
JANE: Sheesh! Sor-RY! Just got a little worried when you
drifted off to La-La Land there, small fry. [sniffs her
fingers, says in a slightly sulky tone] And lay off. I had
a couple of tuna-and-mayo sandwiches for lunch and didn't
scrub up too good after I ate, that's all.
BRAIN: Your personal hygiene aside, Miss LANE... [steps
forth in his suit, with a whirring sound] ...the time has
come. Insert your keys. [cut to shot of BRAIN's suit hand
inserting his two keys into their locks. A machine somewhere
hums slowly to life.]
[Cut to restaurant, interior, 9:05 PM. QUINN's little
confession has left PINKY stunned and at a loss for words.]
QUINN [softly]: Did you hear me, PINKY? I said I love you.
PINKY: I-I-I [gulps] I don't know what to say.
QUINN [pleading] Tell me you love me.
PINKY [confidently]: All right! Poit! I love you! [looks
shocked at what he just said]
[Cut to chamber, interior, 2:47 AM. DARIA and JANE glance
briefly at each other. JANE shrugs. DARIA steps over to the
computer, to BRAIN's left. Pan to a clasp of the second set
of keyholes, then DARIA's hands as she inserts her two keys.
A second machine hum joins the first.]
[Cut to restaurant, interior, 9:07 PM. Pan in on QUINN and
PINKY's table.]
QUINN: Have you ever told a woman you loved her before?
PINKY: Once I did. I met 'er at the oceanography lab where
me and BRAIN was workin' one time. I first saw 'er while she
was swimming in the ocean, and I watched as the sun gleamed
off her dark sleek skin when she came up for air, and I fell
madly in love with 'er. BRAIN told me to forget about 'er
and focus on our plan, because she and I were just too
different to make a relationship work. But I wouldn't
listen. I tried to tell 'er I loved 'er-- [starts making
noises like a sea lion barking--for here he describes his
love affair with the female sea lion in "Operation: Sea
Lion", although QUINN thinks he's talking about an actual
girl--and causes people to turn their heads and stare at
him. Pan on their concerned faces, then on QUINN's, looking
so moved she might break into tears]--but I couldn't speak
'er language. I think I scared her away. [sadly] Poit!
QUINN: Oh, my God--that's so sad. You and she had
communication problems, so she left you. [takes his hand]
I'm so sorry it didn't work out between you two.
PINKY: Oh--poit! That's OK. BRAIN was right anyhow. We could
never have 'ad anything lasting between us no way--seeing as
I can't swim, and I don't bloody well like raw fish.
[QUINN's head tilts a bit, a perplexed look on her face.]
[Cut to chamber, interior, 2:48 AM. JANE's hands insert the
final two keys. A third mechanized hum joins the first two
in a deep-throated crescendo.]
[Cut to restaurant, interior, 9:09 PM. Pan in for clasp on
PINKY.]
PINKY: I met my first girlfriend at the track. Gorblimey,
she was right 'andsome. Long legs, dark black mane, smooth
back, right nice tail on 'er. [He is referring to the
racehorse in "Jockey for Position", but again, oblivious
QUINN thinks it's a real girl.] I wanted BRAIN to put 'is
money on 'er, but 'e went right for Daddy's Little Angel.
Poit!
QUINN: That cheap little bastard! Won't even pop for a night
out on the town for you two, then tries to set you up with
some two-bit daddy's girl floozy. [squeezes his hand] You
shouldn't let him boss you around and control your life and
make you feel inferior. He's not your dad, you know. Stand
up to him. Let him know just how you feel. [PINKY lowers is
head and "poit"s softly as he ponders this.] What was her
name?
PINKY: Who?
QUINN: The girl. Long legs, dark hair, nice tail.
PINKY: Oh. Farfignewton.
QUINN: Wow! What an exotic name! Was she German?
Scandinavian?
PINKY: Er--no, I think she was an Arabian.
QUINN: Oo-ooo-oo-oh! An interracial affair! Very chic these
days!
PINKY: Well ,I don't know about sheiks. . .but she had a
right nice jockey.
QUINN: A girl wearing men's underwear! Very alternative,
without being overly gauche!
[Now it's PINKY's turn to look confused.]
[Cut to MORGENDORFFER house, interior, 9:10 PM. HELEN and
JAKE are sitting on the couch relaxing. JAKE is in
comfortable pants and a polo shirt, with a martini in one
hand. HELEN, in cutoffs and a T-shirt, sits to his left. Her
face has the complacent, half-dreamy expression of a woman
who has just gotten laid. The TV is playing in the BG,
although neither HELEN nor JAKE is really paying attention
to it.]
TV: Rare, never-before-seen footage of a hamster-worshipping
cult in the jungles of darkest Africa--next up on "Sick Sad
World"!
HELEN [seems to come back to herself--perhaps the "SSW"
reference stimulated her brain and made her think suddenly
of her eldest daughter]: Mmmmmm...do you think we ought to
call up Mandy Lane and check up on DARIA, dear?
JAKE: Nah, I doubt it. The girls are fine. I bet they're
sitting around doing each other's hair, eating pork rinds,
and talking about boys. [sips his drink] DARIA's a good
girl. It's not like she'd ever stay out late doing anything
horrible and earth-shattering...am I right?
HELEN: Mmmm...yes, dear, you're right. I suppose I'm
worrying over nothing. It is nice to see DARIA pal around
with someone her own age who has similar interests. To tell
you the truth, honey, I was worried when we first moved out
here that she wouldn't fit in.
JAKE: I know what you mean. It's always difficult moving to
a new town, making new friends. [sips drink] Especially for
an introverted girl like DARIA...not at all like her sister.
HELEN: I know. Sure, she didn't show it, but I could tell
she was heartbroken over leaving Highland. Especially her
two little schoolchums--Booger and Braindead.
JAKE: Charming boys. Real bright futures ahead of them.
Especially that blonde-headed boy Booger. He really knew how
to laugh at life. This country needs more fine upstanding
boys like them.
HELEN: Yes. it's a pity they died so young.
JAKE [stops short, glass to lips]: They died?
[Both HELEN and JAKE pause to reflect on this silently.]
[oven timer dings]
HELEN [smiling]: Oh, goody! My pudding is ready!
[Cut to restaurant, interior, 9:15 PM. Pan in on QUINN.]
QUINN: PINKY...I-I want to be a hundred percent honest with
you, too. You told me about all your old girlfriends...now I
want to come clean and tell you about all the guys I've been
with. [takes deep breath][Pan up to clock on the wall over
their heads with the hands at 9:16. Dissolve to show time
elapsing, hands now read 2:49. PINKY and QUINN are the only
two people left in Chez Pierre. The waiters are
extinguishing the candles on the tables, turning the chairs
upside down on the tabletops, getting ready to close the
joint down for the night. QUINN is still talking.]
QUINN [her voice sounding slightly hoarse from talking so
much]: ...um...and that's it. I'm so glad we were so honest
with one another, PINKY.
PINKY [giggles, snorts]: Narf! Oh...me too. I feel so
cleansed and squishy inside. Zort!
QUINN [hoarsely]: Yeah, me too. [drinks the last of her
water to restore her voice]
PINKY: So...now what do we do?
QUINN [smiles]: This. [leans in closer to PINKY and begins
to pucker.]
[Cut to chamber, interior. BRAIN, DARIA, and JAKE have just
inserted their keys. Machinery hums in the background.]
BRAIN [excitedly]: Now! Turn the keys!!
[screen splits three ways to show all six of their hands
turning their keys simultaneously. There is an echoey click.
The humming increases in volume, and the chamber lights
dim.]
[Cut to shot of outer space. BG MUSIC: The Darth Vader
theme from "Star Wars". A satellite turns slowly in it's
orbit, making a whirring sound, to its right. Cut to a
second satellite whirring and turning to its left. Cut to a
third satellite, shown from below, turning upwards. Cut to a
fourth satellite, shown from overhead, turning downwards.
Rapid cuts to all four satellites, now in position, firing
bright red lasers, then cut to show all four lasers meeting
at a point, then as those four beams are joined by other
beams, which spread out into a meshlike net and begin to
swallow the earth.]
[Cut to shot of QUINN and PINKY edging closer together,
QUINN's eyes closed and PINKY's half-shut, for their kiss.]
[Cut to shot of the earth in its red meshlike force field,
starting to tremble with a rumbling noise as it begins to
shift in its orbit ever so slightly to the right.]
[Cut to shot of QUINN and PINKY as their lips meet. BG MUSIC
swells to a crescendo. QUINN angles her head slightly, and--
is she using her tongue? Oh, my God!!!]
[Cut to close-up of the planet, engulfed in a red shell,
perceptibly moving, seeming to creak and groan in its
orbit.]
[Cut to shots of city streets with their streetlights and
the lights inside houses flickering, garbage cans tipping,
cars screeching to sudden stops, cats yowling, dogs barking.
Cut to interior shot of chamber, with the lights flickering
madly. DARIA and JANE look concerned; BRAIN is gleeful. Cut
to shot of the MORGENDORFFER house, interior, which seems to
be trembling. HELEN and JAKE cling tightly to their bowls of
pudding so as not to drop them; the pudding wobbles
violently in the bowl. Cut to a shot of Trent asleep in his
cluttered-looking room--a stock footage shot from "Arts &
Crass"--that is trembling as if in the throes of a bad
earthquake. Trent sleeps straight through it.]
[Cut to shot of QUINN and PINKY still in their liplock. The
building is shaking, lights flickering, chairs and
candleholders falling off tables, spooked waiters running
about in panic. Neither one notices, their eyes are shut
and they are breathing slowly, in tandem. Their lips part
eventually, and both look as if they'd been drugged.]
QUINN [low, sultry]: Mmmmmm...I felt the earth move. Did
you?
PINKY [same low tone]: Na-aaa-aa-arf... [suddenly snaps out
of it] Poit! Egad! The earth moved!?! Zort! BRAIN!!
No-oooo-ooo-oo-o!!! [leaps out of his seat onto the floor,
starts running, trips on his tie, falls down, picks himself
up, and dashes out the door, crying, "BRAIN!"]
QUINN [shouting]: PINKY! Where are you going? I-I love you!
Don't leave me!! [throws her arm up into the air, her lips
skinned back from her teeth. Tears stand out in her eyes.
She sobs.] I love you.
[A black-and-white stop-frame shot showing DARIA and JANE
talking to the guard outside the Bainks military complex
building, with a chorus of "la la la la la"s to the tune of
the P&B theme in the BG.]
[cut to commercial]
------------------------------------------------------------
ACT II
------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 1
[Fade in on MORGENDORFFER house. Time: around six in the
morning. BG MUSIC: John Denver's "Sunshine (On My
Shoulders)". The sun is peering over the roof just as The
Tank eases up to the curb in front. Pan in slowly on it,
then cut to interior. DARIA is dozing in the passenger
seat. and JANE looks like she's about to nod off at the
wheel. She stops the van and leans her head on the wheel,
eyes shut. In a moment or two, she raises her head up, rubs
her eyes with her finger and thumb, and murmurs, "Oh,
Christ" once or twice. She nudges DARIA, who grumbles and
turns her head sleepily, eyelids fluttering.]
JANE [sleepily]: We're here.
DARIA {also sleepy]: Where's here?
JANE [rubs eyes again]: I think I coasted those last ten
miles with my eyes closed, and it is possible we crashed and
died in excruciating pain. So either this is your house or
the seventh circle of hell.
DARIA: Same difference. [yawns, leans against door] What
about BRAIN?
voice of BRAIN: I assure you ladies, I am wide awake, and
the plan has gone off smoothly. [pan to rear of van, where
BRAIN is standing on the chest of his robotic suit, which is
lying with its feet pointing towards the seats and its
"head" towards the rear. BRAIN is dressed in his
"Braindulce" outfit and affixing his fake beard with spirit
gum.] Soon a rainfall of Biblical proportions will blanket
the earth for a period of two weeks.
DARIA: Don't you mean forty days and forty nights?
BRAIN: So I upped the timetable a little.
JANE: What next--a sequel to the Ten Commandments?
BRAIN: Hmmm. [hops off of robotic suit, seizes pencil stub,
scribbles a note on a tiny notepad, then hops up on suit
again and continues spiel.] The increase in precipitation
will be extremely beneficial to the peanut farmers...and the
porcine populous will eat themselves into a gastroenteritic
fit. Once they have gorged themselves and are forced to
retire to their toilets, I shall step in and--
JANE: --and take over the world. Yadda, yadda, yadda. Me, I
think I'll go back to my house and try to take over my bed.
Maybe I can beat Trent's 12-straight-hour New Year's Eve
snoozefest.
[Cut to exterior shot of van as DARIA and BRAIN open the
door and exit.]
DARIA [leans into the window]: All right. Just drop off the
robo-suit in my tool shed and remember to roll over
periodically to avoid bedsores.
JANE [yawns]: Roger Wilcox, green leader. Heading back to
base to reconnoiter. Over and out. [guns van, which
backfires violently and rolls down the street in a black
cloud of smoke. BRAIN and DARIA are left alone on the
sidewalk in an awkward moment.]
BRAIN [shuffling feet on the pavement, not looking at
DARIA]: Well...[smacks lips, clears throat]...so...how does
it feel to be this close to taking over the world?
DARIA [not looking at BRAIN]: Kind of like having honey
spread over my face, hands, and pubic area, then having
fire ants poured on me.
BRAIN: Excellent. It's natural to be nervous your first time
out.
[Cut to interior of house. DARIA's key rattles in the lock,
and the sound attracts HELEN and JAKE. HELEN enters from
hallway, stage left, tossing a a powder-blue bathrobe on
over a cream-colored nightdress. JAKE follows behind her
in nothing but yellowing briefs and beard stubble. The
door opens, and DARIA enters with BRAIN.]
HELEN [usual syrupy tone]: DARIA! Professor! Why, it's--
[takes DARIA's wrist and looks at her watch]--ten after six,
dear. Where were you all night?
DARIA: Uhhhmmmm....
BRAIN: I'll field this one, ma'am. DARIA and I met at a
local coffee shop to pull an all-night tutoring session on
conjugating irregular intransitive verbs.
JAKE: But I thought you were QUINN's tutor.
HELEN [noting JAKE's hairy chest and middle-aged paunch;
with a disapproving look; says sharply]: JAKE! Put some
pants on, for the love of God! [JAKE looks sheepish and
creeps out, stage left.]
BRAIN: Aah...uhhhmmmm....
DARIA: I'll field this one, Mom. The professor believes in
the holistic approach. Teach the family, teach the child. He
was just telling me you'd better brush up a little on
pluperfect verbs.
JAKE [re-enters in sweatpants and an old T-shirt with
cut-off sleeves and a pocket, tying the drawstrings on the
pants]: I LOVE pluperfects!
[HELEN shoots him a withering look, and he withdraws,
groaning.]
BRAIN: Yes...well... [clears throat] I think I'll go to the
kitchen and have a little coffee while I wait for PINKY to
get home. [heads in the direction of the kitchen]
DARIA: And...um...I'll go upstairs and wait for QUINN.
HELEN: Oh, honey, that reminds me. Your sister's been home
for hours. She came barreling in here around four in the
morning, headed straight for the kitchen, and took a whole
cheesecake with her up to her room.
DARIA: Shades of the Golden Girls. [sighs] I'll go up and
talk to her.
HELEN: You do that, dear. [turns and heads upstairs]
JAKE's voice, off-stage: So what time do you think QUINN'll
get in, honey?
HELEN's voice: Dammit, Jake! Are you honestly this thick, or
is it just an elaborate act?
JAKE's voice: Ummmm...this is a trick question, right?
[HELEN emits an outraged grunt.]
------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 2
[Cut to exterior shot of QUINN's bedroom door. DARIA's hand
enters the shot and gives three short raps. No answer.]
DARIA's voice, off-camera: Did you die in there?
QUINN, from other side of door, in pain: Screw off.
[Pull back to full body shot of DARIA as she enters the
room. Cut to DARIA P.O.V. shot of QUINN, dressed only in her
baby tee and pink panties, lying on the bed, softly moaning.
An empty plate lies on the floor next to the bed; a
cake-encrusted fork is in the center. QUINN burps softly
and groans. Her bare belly is swollen from her indulgence.]
DARIA: Want to talk about it?
QUINN [snippy]: No. [pauses, then breaks into sobs] Oh,
DARIA! PINKY ran out on me at Chez Pierre! Why, DARIA? Why?
DARIA: QUINN...I'm your sister, and I luh--[the word sticks
in her throat. She begins again.]--I luhh--[she gives up]--
I tolerate you. [QUINN scowls.] I have to tell you this,
and you're going to listen to me, and listen good. You're
dating a rat.
QUINN [sits bolt upright, explodes shrilly]: He is not a
rat! He is a sensitive caring bohemian artist type!
DARIA: No, you damn ditzy--[sighs]--I mean, he is a rat. A
rodent. A small gnawing fur-bearing disease carrying
cheese-eating verminous mammal. A grade-A 100% purebred
laboratory specimen rat.
QUINN: DARIA, stop beating around the bush. If you have
something to say, say it.
[DARIA sighs loudly in frustration.]
[Cut to kitchen, interior. BRAIN is seated atop a stack of
books, sipping hot coffee from a thimble and murmuring to
himself. Pan down to floor to show PINKY entering the room.
BRAIN silently acknowledges him with a glance.]
PINKY [shyly, softly]: Poit! 'ello, BRAIN.
BRAIN: Good morning, PINKY. How did your evening go?
PINKY: Oh--right well, BRAIN. Um--and yours?
BRAIN: Productive, PINKY. The world is in my pocket.
PINKY: That's nice--but aren't you worried about something
that big stretching out your pants?
BRAIN [chuckles softly]: Love has not dulled your dim wit
any, my friend. [notes PINKY's apprehension] Don't worry,
PINKY. I'm not mad at you. After all, love can blind even a
mighty mind like mine. Come up here and sit by me. [PINKY
does so, taking his seat next to the books.] Yes...I was
blinded once or twice por amor. I put my lifelong dream on
hold for one sweet night for the temptress Billie. I wanted
to give it up entirely to lie in the perfumed shredded
newspaper bed of that little French mouse Trudy. But those
loves burned hot and fast and couldn't fulfill me--not like
my one true desire. My true mistress is millions of
kilometers around and weighs over six and a half sextillion
tons!
PINKY: Oh--narf--you're into fat chicks, aren't you?
BRAIN: If I could reach you from here, I'd bop you. [makes a
fist; PINKY flinches.] No. The lover I speak of is--
[Fast cut to QUINN's room, interior.]
DARIA: --the world.
QUINN: Trying to take over the world? Oh--he told me all
about that.
DARIA: He did?
QUINN: Yeah! The Prof is a real workaholic. Really throws
himself into it.
DARIA [sighs yet again]: No, QUINN. He really wants to rule
the world. And--God help us--JANE and I are helping him.
QUINN: Hey, that's great! Mom always says that
extracurricular activities look good on a college
application and that--ummmm--it's never too early to start
preparing for your post-grad work, or something. Narf! [gets
to her feet and wobbles slightly]
DARIA: And that's another thing. Could you stop making that
stupid noise? Please? It's--
[Fast cut to kitchen, interior.]
BRAIN: --hurting my head.
PINKY: What's 'urting your 'ead, BRAIN?
BRAIN: Trying to figure out your attraction to this girl,
PINKY. You don't have anything in common. You're a mouse;
she's a human. She's a high-school girl, and the closest
you've ever been to school is watching reruns of "Welcome
Back, Kotter" on Nick at Nite.
PINKY [doing a bad impersonation of John Travolta]: "Aw,
man--studyin' is for squares, ain't dat right, Mistuh
Kotter?" Narf! Zort! [high silly laugh]
[BRAIN hops off his stack of books and grabs up a pencil,
raising it over his head.]
[Fast cut to QUINN's room, interior.]
[DARIA bops QUINN over the head with an oversized foam
rubber novelty yellow No. 2.]
QUINN [rubs head angrily]: Oww!! What's you do that for?
DARIA: Nervous tic. [tosses pencil away] What I'm saying is,
you're setting yourself up for a fall. You're dating a
bucktoothed rat with a speech impediment. What in hell do
you see in him?
QUINN: He's sweet. He's sensitive. He understands me. [turns
and dances around the room in 360-degree motions] And he's
got those dark Spanish eyes. The professor said he's got a
villa in Spain next to the Ebro River.
DARIA: Try a wire cage in a lab next to the chemical sink.
QUINN: And his family--his father is a duke, his mother's a
socialite, and his sister is a debutante.
DARIA: His parents are rats and his sister's a thread
spool.
QUINN [gasps, shouts]: That's a horrible thing to say about
somebody's folks! I think I'll tell PINKY to forget about
that countesship for you!
DARIA: Oh, good Lord, I think MY sister's a thread spool.
QUINN: What was that?
DARIA: Nothing. Skip it. [looks at QUINN] Ummm...I'm not
sure how to say this delicately, but...ummm....
QUINN [impatiently]: What?
DARIA: Well...you aren't...you know... [wiggles fingers in
the air]
[Fast cut to kitchen, interior.]
BRAIN: --banging. Constantly banging.
PINKY: Well, 'ave JANE take a look at your robo-suit and see
what's makin' that 'orrible noise, then.
BRAIN: Perhaps I shall. Yes.
PINKY: But it's not--
[Fast cut to QUINN's room, interior.]
QUINN: --like that. Our relationship is too important to
cheapen it with--eewww! I don't believe you'd even say that!
DARIA: I'm sorry, QUINN. I've never used that word before in
my life. I don't know what came over me.
QUINN [folds arms over chest]: You should be sorry.
DARIA [after a pause]: So you're not--
[Fast cut to kitchen, interior.]
[PINKY is making a squeaky mattress noise and moving hands
up and down.]
BRAIN: No. More of a--
[BRAIN makes rusty creaky noise out of the corner of his
mouth.]
PINKY: Oh.
[awkward pause]
BRAIN: So...are you going to tell her?
PINKY: That I love 'er? Oh--I've already done that, BRAIN.
BRAIN: Noble sentiment, my friend--but I was referring to
the plan. You won't, as they say, spill the beans, will you?
PINKY: Well, I don't know about that, BRAIN. You know what a
messy eater I can be.
BRAIN: No, PINKY. I mean, you won't tell your--[grits teeth]
--girlfriend about what we plan to do to the world, will
you?
PINKY [uncertain]: Well--I--I owe her an explanation of
some kind, don't I? I mean, the way I left 'er behind at the
restaurant to chase after you and try to stop--well, you
know--and-- [BRAIN looks both perplexed and peeved.] I-I
mean, I gotta tell 'er somethin'. I don't want to 'urt 'er.
Can't I just--?
BRAIN [firmly]: No. If you tell her, she may become a
liability. if she gossips to her fashion-obsessed little
clique, all is lost.
PINKY: But you told DARIA--and JANE--
BRAIN [decisively]: That is different. Their very status as
social outcasts and misfits makes them a calculated risk.
They could scream my plan from the rooftops and no one would
give a f--
[Fast cut to QUINN's room, interior.]
QUINN: Uck! I don't believe you said it again! I'm out of
here! [pulls on her bell bottoms and stomps out of her room,
pouting]
DARIA: QUINN! Wait! Hear me out! [follows her to the top of
the stairs and watches her head bobbing down and out of
sight] Oh, sh--
[Fast cut to kitchen, interior.]
BRAIN: It happens, my friend. In a jihad of this scale,
there are bound to be casualties. [pats PINKY on the back] I
am sorry.
PINKY [sniffles]: I am too, BRAIN. Poit!
[A broad sweep from PINKY to the doorway. QUINN enters the
kitchen and stands in the doorway, crying PINKY's name. BG
MUSIC: The Spice Girls' "Two Become One" swells slowly to a
crescendo as the two lovers embrace and then fade into the
P&B theme, tempo prestissimo. PINKY and QUINN leap into each
other's arms and meet in a crushing embrace, kissing
passionately in a 360-degree camera pan. BRAIN's ears droop
and he scowls. DARIA stands next to him, eyes widening in
disbelief.]
PINKY [whispers] I love you. Narf!
QUINN [whispers] I love you too. Poit!
[More passionate kissing.]
DARIA: Oh, god--
BRAIN: --dammit.
[Fade out on PINKY and QUINN in a liplock.]
------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 3
[The scene opens on an exterior shot of the MORGENDORFFER
house under gray clouds during a heavy rain. What follows is
a montage of shots centered around peanut-eating meant to
show the passage of time and the progression of BRAIN's
plan. BG MUSIC: Cyndi Lauper cheerily chirping "Girls Just
Want to Have Fun". QUINN, PINKY, and DARIA are watching TV
on the couch, while QUINN munches peanuts from a bowl in
her lap and PINKY looks on sadly; PINKY, BRAIN, and the MORGENDORFFERS sitting around the kitchen table; all are
eating peanut butter sandwiches except for PINKY and BRAIN
and DARIA, who are having food pellets (ick!); PINKY and
QUINN watching a baseball game together in the bleachers
(he kisses her on the strikes, and she kisses him on the
balls), seated under umbrellas in a light drizzle. QUINN is
wearing the same outfit here that she has in the ball game
in the opening credits, and a white paper sack of peanuts is
clearly visible in her lap. There is the crack of a bat, and
PINKY attempt to catch a fly ball for his lady love--but it
squashes him flat, to her shock and amazement. Next, PINKY
prancing around SANDI's room dressed as "Pinky Suavo"
(P&B #40) as SANDI, STACY, TIFFANY, and QUINN squeal in
delight. SANDI is lying on the bed; the other three are on
the floor. All are eating peanuts. Clearly visible in the
shot is a copy of "Waif" with a cover caption reading
"Peanuts: the Health Nut's Nut--drop a pound a day with
Mother Nature's tofu!" Next, a sign saying LAWNDALE PETTING
ZOO, followed by a slow pan to the right. QUINN is in a
pink rain slicker feeding peanuts from a pink-and-white
striped paper bag to some cuddly bunnies, then eating a few
herself. Close up of PINKY, slumped and sad-looking, eyes
closed. The rain has notably slackened since the beginning
of the montage, and the sun peeps through the clouds. BG
MUSIC fades out as montage ends.]
------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 4
[Fade in on JANE lying on her bed with her eyes closed,
wearing the same T-shirt and shorts ensemble from "The
Misery Chick" and "See JANE Run". It appears she has just
returned from a jog; the front of her shirt is sweat-soaked,
and the shape of her heaving chest as she pants is clearly
visible through the cloth. The phone rings; she answers it.
All through the following exchange, fast cut repeatedly to
both girls.]
JANE: Buford's Burger Barn--you kill 'em, we grill 'em.
DARIA: Do me a favor when I come over tonight--beat me to
death with Trent's guitar.
JANE: I'd better not--I may need you to pound ME senseless.
I've been spending the last two weeks cooped up in Maison
de LANE waiting for the rain to break so I can jog off a
little of my winter weight. Between the turpentine fumes
drifting up from my mom's art studio through the air vents
and Trent's never-ending Hendrix-esque rendition of
"Hurricane", I'm going nuts.
DARIA: Whatever you do, don't mention nuts--please. My whole
family has gone peanut crazy. Peanut butter, peanut
chicken, peanut oil, peanut brittle--ugh. I've used every
excuse in the book to get out of eating--everything from big
lunch at school to retaining water. Last night I told the
folks I was fasting for the Jewish holidays.
[Cut to JANE and hold on her for several seconds.]
JANE: You're Jewish?
DARIA's voice on phone: Yeah--on my dad's side. And my mom's
Catholic.
JANE: Which makes you and your sister--
[Cut to DARIA; hold.]
DARIA: Overexcitable drunks with big noses who can't eat
pork.
JANE's voice: I see. Sooo-- [smacks lips thoughtfully]
[Cut to JANE; hold.]
JANE: --is the Rat Pack still scurrying around your house?
DARIA's voice: Still there. I may ever ditch PINKY and THE
BRAIN.
[Cut to DARIA; hold.]
DARIA: QUINN's grades have gone up 20% all across the board
with "the professor" tutoring her. And she and PINKY are so
close that when he farts, she stinks.
JANE's voice: That bad, huh?
DARIA: No shock, Sherlock. I tried to tell her she's dating
something you pay the Orkin man to get rid of, but she gives
me this guff about getting something from PINKY that no
other man can give her.
JANE's voice: You mean something besides a case of the
crabs?
[pause]
[Cut to JANE; hold.]
JANE: Look--in all honesty, I think you should let the
little fairy princess handle this thing on her own. I mean,
your sisterly duties don't extend past holding her hair out
of her face when she's hugging the toilet after a big keg
party.
DARIA's voice: Yep--and I even suck at that.
JANE [picturing it, grimaces]: Yick. Anyway--her personal
life ought to be just that. Am I right?
DARIA's voice: Yeah. Right on target. But still-- [fumbles
for words]
JANE: You're the big sister, and you feel an obligation to
kick the little twit in the ass when she's about to [bleep]
up.
DARIA's voice: Right again, Kreskin.
JANE: Man, did I get off lucky being the youngest.
[Cut to DARIA; hold.]
JANE's voice: Your folks shoulda had a couple of boys before
you popped out. Older brothers can teach you a whole lot
about life.
DARIA: Yeah?
JANE's voice: Yeah. Like how to fixed a clogged carburetor,
how to shotgun a beer, how to unhook a bra strap in 3.5
seconds....
DARIA: Sorry I even asked.
JANE's voice: So what are you going to do, O great one?
DARIA: Beats me. Like my grandpa Mad Dog says, I'm up to
here [holds hand flat in air over head] with this chozzerai*
[hocks heavily on the "ch"].
*chozzerai-- Yiddish for "shit".
JANE's voice, imitating DARIA's pronunciation: What's
"chozzerai"?
DARIA: I don't really know. I heard him say that once while
watching a Pauley Shore movie right before flipping the bird
and chucking a beer can at the TV. I didn't bother asking.
[Cut to JANE; hold.]
DARIA's voice: By the way--did you...um...remember to warn
Trent and Jesse not to eat any peanuts or peanut products
no matter what?
JANE: Well, I'll tell ya. I left Trent a note on his music
stand, but my handwriting's pretty piss poor, you know.
I remember one time I left a grocery list for him. Fool
thought it was his sheet music, so he picks it up and plays
it. Wasn't half, bad, actually. I think "Bread, Milk,
Cheese, and Tea" could go platinum.
[Long pause.]
[Cut to DARIA; hold. Pan in for clasp. Her eyes look
thoughtful. Ripple dissolve to image of a skeleton in a
pink tank top sitting on the toilet.]
JANE's voice, somewhat concerned]: Yo! You still on? DARIA?
[DARIA is alarmingly silent.]
JANE's voice, louder: DARIA!!
DARIA [snaps out of it]: Huh? What?
JANE's voice: Whoo, you had me scared there. Where'd you go
off to?
DARIA: You know that conscience I don't have that started
bugging me that time we made that film about QUINN's pores?
JANE's voice: Yep.
DARIA: It's deja vu all over again.
JANE's voice: Well, use plenty of calamine lotion and don't
scratch it. Catch you on the flip side.
DARIA: Okay. Bye.
JANE: Adios.
[Phone clicks off. DARIA sits in silence for a moment. Then
she takes off her glasses, sets them on the corner of the
bed, and reaches for a long rectangular box on the
windowsill. She opens it and takes out her harmonica. She
rubs it on her jacket sleeve to polish it, taps it on her
palm to knock the spit out, puts it to her lips, and starts
to play. The room darkens to simulate sunset. The camera
pans in slowly on DARIA as she plays. A low light bathes her
face, illuminating her cheeks. Her eyelids flutter gently,
and a lock of hair falls softly on her forehead. The whole
effect is one of innocence, purity, and vulnerability. She
slowly plays the instrumental portion of Bob Dylan's "I
Shall Be Released". It, like her, is achingly beautiful
in its sadness and pathos. As she finishes, the camera pans
over the dimly-lit room and stops at the door, which is
slightly ajar. BRAIN enters slowly, his hands behind his
back, looking a bit sheepish. pan repeatedly between the
two as they talk.]
BRAIN [clears throat]: DARIA?
DARIA [taking harmonica from lips]: Yes?
BRAIN: Can I...speak briefly with you?
DARIA: Concerning?
BRAIN: Concerning...your sister and my associate.
DARIA [turns her back]: I have nothing to say on that
matter.
BRAIN: Please...listen. [climbs up on DARIA's bed, pulling
himself up by hand on the sheet] The closer I come to having
the world, the closer I come to losing my friend to the
clutches of that strawberry blonde siren sister of yours.
DARIA: And your point is--?
BRAIN: My point is, this can't go on. If I am ever to take
over the world, this ill-conceived infatuation must cease.
DARIA [turns, glowers at BRAIN]: I agree. I'd like to have
nieces and nephews someday that I can take out in public
without people screaming.
BRAIN: Yes, always. He means well, mind you, but I fear
PINKY's gas gauge is permanently stuck in the red zone just
above E. His last few attempts at romance were a racehorse,
a sea lion, and a ball of drier lint he called Courtney.
DARIA: I think he was better off with Courtney.
BRAIN: She definitely had less fluff in her head than QUINN.
[BRAIN and DARIA both smile slightly. A long pause ensues.]
[pan in on clasp of DARIA's face. Ripple dissolve to images
of her own loves--one of Trent sitting in the grass with his
guitar (from "Road Worrier"), one of Jon (from "Spring Break
in Hell") in a fighting pose, his cape flapping in a silent
breeze, and finally of Ted from "The New Kid", in the scene
from the pizza joint with a string of cheese dribbling from
his mouth. This is followed by a mental image of an anvil
dropping on Ted's head, squashing him flat. Ripple
dissolve back to DARIA's face, showing a small smirk.]
BRAIN [noticing her smile]: DARIA?
DARIA [comes back to herself]: Hmmmm?
BRAIN: Are you pondering what I'm pondering?
DARIA [takes his hand between her thumb and forefinger and
speaks softly]: I think so, BRAIN.
[Camera pulls back to overhead shot of BRAIN and DARIA
holding hands, both hidden in shadows. The instrumental
portion of "I Shall Be Released" plays as the scene fades
to black.]
------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 5
[Fade in to exterior shot of Lawndale High School. Cheering
and music can be heard within. Cut to interior of the gym
and sweep pan across the room to show the cheerleaders doing
their routines. A banner on the far wall proclaims proudly
GO LIONS! RIP THE GAZELLES TO BITS! and shows a crude
drawing of a lion biting a deer-like creature on the ass,
with little red lines of blood spurting around the beast's
mouth. In smaller letters underneath the banner proclaims,
FREE PEANUT DAY AT STADIUM! ASK US HOW! The LHS Band is
over at the left side of the room, seated, playing an
off-key version of "There'll Be a Hot Time in the Old Town
Tonight", very reminiscent of The Hooterville Volunteer Fire
Dept. Band on "Petticoat Junction". Camera pulls in for a
clasp on BRITTANY waving her pompoms wildly and leaping up
and down along with six or eight other cheerleaders, all in
the school colors.]
BRITTANY: O-kay! Ready? Go! [high kicks] Two bits! Four
bits! Six bits! A dollar! All on this side stand up and
holler! [She gestures towards the left, and that side of the
room erupts in hollers and hoots. Pan to right side to show
the audience in the bleachers anxiously awaiting their turn
to go wild. If you look closer, you can see two tiny
dots--one red, one green--in the top tier on the left side.
The camera pulls on for a clasp on--who else?--DARIA and
JANE. They have to talk loud to be heard over the noise.]
JANE: So the little general opened up to you?
DARIA: Yeah. I'm a sucker for a rat with a hard-luck story.
I-- can't we go somewhere else? I'm not really into pep
rallies.
JANE: Too much noise for you, huh? C'mon, DARIA, live a
little. Besides, these things are mandatory. Anyone who
skips 'em gets detention. LI's weird-ass idea of team
spirit.
DARIA: I never saw you as one much for team spirit.
JANE: I'm not. But I make the best of a bad situation. I can
safely cuss out the cheerleaders and flip 'em off right in
the middle of a couple of thousand other screaming
morons...tucked right in the warm dirty ass of anonymity.
DARIA [nose wrinkled]: Yeesh. You really know how to have
fun.
[BRITTANY can be heard going into her schpiel in the BG as
they talk.]
DARIA [continues]: Like I was saying--if I just keep my gob
shut, BRAIN takes over the world and QUINN winds up in the
can with the rest of the people on earth. But if I talk, Mom
and Dad will forbid QUINN to date PINKY, and she'll never
speak to me again.
JANE [eyebrow raised}: And that'd be a BAD thing?
[The crowd erupts into cheers and gets to its feet as
BRITTANY finishes her cheer. The girls remain seated
and wait for the noise to die down.]
JANE [after it falls silent, continues]: Don't sweat it,
kiddo. Becoming estranged from your sister won't be the
worst possible thing that can happen. With any luck, your
folks'll see to it you get an all-expense paid trip to the
local Bedlam.
DARIA [sighs]: I should be so lucky.
[Cut to shot of the gym floor. BRITTANY is doing jumps and
twists and furiously waving her pompoms, hollering "Yay!
Yay! Yay!" Suddenly there is a loud gurgling sound from her
midsection. She stops and clutches her belly, squealing.]
BRITTANY: Ooo-ooo-ooh! I KNEW I shouldn't have had that
extra pat of butter on my half a bagel this morning!
[Another gurgle. BRITTANY clutches herself in both arms and
bolts out of the scene, stage right, so fast that she leaves
several hairpins twirling in the air a la Witch Hazel from
"Looney Toons". There is a chorus of gurgles from the other
girls, and they show similar signs of distress. Cut to shot
of DARIA and JANE as they look on in wide-eyed astonishment.
Cut to shot of the hall, where the ladies' room door is
swinging. KEVIN, football in hand, appears at the door,
looking anxious.]
KEVIN: Babe! What's the matter? It's not that time of the
month, is it?
[KEVIN tries to follow BRITTANY into the lavatory. With an
outraged shriek, she pushes him back out into the hall. He
is about to try and follow her in again, when a gurgle from
his own gut halts him in his tracks. He bolts into the men's
john. A moment later--]
KEVIN: Aww, damn! Outta toushie tissue!
BRITTANY: Toushie tissue?!?
------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 6
[Scene, DEMARTINO classroom. DEMARTINO is standing in front
of the class looking like a Gestapo agent interrogating a
prisoner. BG MUSIC: quick burst of the "Hogan's Heroes"
theme. Pan across the room to show that half the seats are
vacant. DARIA and JANE are present in their usual front row
seats. A few other stragglers squirm in their seats, looking
uncomfortable. ANDREA is seated off to the side. Suddenly
she grabs her stomach and bolts out of her seat, knocking
her desk to the floor with a clatter, and barrels out the
door.]
DEMARTINO: You are thoroughly pa-THE-tic. [His right eye
bulges on the stressed syllables. DEMARTINO P.O.V shot of
dwindling crowd as he grumbles.] Bunch of punk kids letting
a touch of food poisoning keep you from attending my CLASS.
Why, I remember when I was in BOOT camp and got one HELL of
a case of Montezuma's Revenge. Nothin' in this great green
world like PUKING your way through morning calisthenics.
[nasty chuckle at the memory] Now...can any of you SLUGabeds
tell me a little about today's subject--the reign of
Napoleon I of FRANCE? [P.O.V. pan across classroom, more
grumbling. Stop on DARIA.] Ahh...Ms. MORGENDORFFER. DO
enlighten us.
DARIA [as camera slowly pans on her]: Napoleon was a
diminutive man with a big head and big dreams to match. His
only desire was to rule the world. Alarmingly brilliant yet
shockingly devious and inhuman, he didn't care who he hurt
or how he alienated his loved ones. He even abandoned the
only woman he ever truly loved in the name of power. [Cut to
DEMARTINO, looking very impressed.] He wanted more than
being cooped up in a bare, empty cage in Breinne, living a
life of study and being mocked by his fellow man. He saw
himself as great and identified himself with heroes of myth
and history. His rule was one of nepotism, graft, war, and
corruption. [Cut back to extreme clasp of DARIA.] Eventually
the one woman he ever really loved yet left behind to pursue
ultimate power died of pneumonia brought on by vanity due to
her wearing of wet clothes to enhance her appearance.
Napoleon ended his life broken, alone, and in exile on a
desert island, destroyed by his own selfish and insatiable
greed. The moral: what good does it do a man to gain the
whole world if he loses his soul in the bargain?
DEMARTINO: Very, good, Ms. MORGENDORFFER. [eyes narrow
suspiciously] A little TOO good, in fact. [slams fist
against chalkboard] NaPOleon Bonaparte. The little dic--
[Suddenly DEMARTINO utters a thunderous watery flatulent
sound, and both his eyes bulge big as dinner plates. He
claps his hands on the seat of his pants and flushes crimson
with embarrassment.]
DEMARTINO [stammers]: I--I--I--I have something to--to--to
take care of right now. Excuse me, class. [He turns sharply
to run out the door, hands on his ass. The seat of his pants
is bulging suspiciously. As he races out of the room,
something brown trickles out one of his pant legs and leaves
a trail of droplets behind. The few stragglers left behind
titter nervously.]
DARIA [wide-eyed] Could it have been something I said?
JANE: Eeh...could be. [gives her a thumbs up] Congrats,
DARIA. I think you just hit upon the solution to your
dilemma.
DARIA: Which is?
JANE: Convince QUINN to start wearing wet T-shirts.
[DARIA scowls a bit at her.]
------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 7
[Scene: the hallway. A total bedlam of people running to
and fro at top speed. BG MUSIC: "Yakkety Sax" by Boots
Randolph, made famous on the Benny Hill show closing
credits, where everybody ran around at exaggerated speed
like this. DARIA and JANE ignore them as best they can as
they stroll through the hall chatting.]
DARIA: I mean, it's like my whole family has been
brainwashed. I don't get it. Can't they see the obvious? I
can see my dad being fooled by a mouse in a suit and a phony
beard, but Mom?
JANE: Hurricane HELEN? Give-'em-hell HELEN? The same HELEN
who once turned the hose on JOEY, JEFFY, and JAMIE that
night they got really drunk at a keg party and started
singing that a cappella version of "The Mighty QUINN"
outside your sister's window at three in the morning?
DARIA: That's her. Now the poor woman's brain is tapioca.
JANE: Hey--I LIKE tapioca.
[Cut to shot over DARIA and JANE's heads as it crackles in
a burst of feedback. Aerial shot of the girls turned to
listen as MS. LI's voice breaks over the air.]
LI: Students...remain calm. Please remain calm. Lawndale
High has fallen prey to an epidemic of food poisoning,
possibly caused by tainted meat served in the cafeteria. In
addition, our lavatories' supply of hygienic paper is
dangerously low. Will the custodial staff please rectify the
situation and then see to disposing of the bad meat. I
repeat, will the--oh, god. Ulp. Oh, dear god. [There is a
loud gagging noise, followed by the sound of the microphone
hitting the floor, and finally a continuous squeal of
feedback. MS. LI has succumbed to the horror.]
JANE: Tainted meat, my lily-white ass.
DARIA: Peanut fever hits LHS.
[SANDI, STACY, and TIFFANY, all in great distress and
grabbing their bellies, enter stage right and barge past
DARIA and JANE on their way to the ladies' room.]
DARIA: Then again, maybe there's a bright spot here after
all.
[MR. O'NEILL staggers into the scene from the same
direction, supporting himself against the lockers with one
hand while grabbing his gut with the other.]
O'NEILL: Hello...uhh...Dana and June.
DARIA: DARIA and JANE, sir.
O'NEILL: Oh...unnugghh...sorry. Say, you wouldn't happen
to--unnuff-- have any toushie tissue on you, perhaps?
JANE [eyebrow raised]: Toushie tissue?
DARIA: Nope, fresh out. Sorry.
O'NEILL [weak smile]: Oh, that's--unnuugghh--too bad. Sorry
I--uuggh--bothered you. [suddenly gives a loud groan, falls
to his knees, and crawls to the men's room]
JANE [waves her hand in front of her nose as he passes]:
Poo-wee! This is getting sick.
DARIA [fists clenched at sides]: He did it. The little
bastard did it. He finally did what Hitler, Stalin,
Napoleon, and forty years of a Democratically-controlled
Congress couldn't do.
JANE: Who? Who did it? And what is it?
DARIA: THE BRAIN. he has destroyed mankind. And we helped
him. Don't you get it, JANE? We're part of it. We helped
him.
JANE [although DARIA's still as deadpan as ever]: Okay--if
you don't calm down and stop hyperventilating, I'll have to
smack you.
DARIA [still as low-key as ever]: Okay. I'm calm now.
Thanks.
[MS. BARCH comes thundering down the hall from stage right
in extreme discomfort, walking with her legs together and
clutching her midsection. She shoves one unfortunate young
man who happens to be in her path roughly against the
lockers.]
BARCH: Get the [bleep] out of my way, you--you disgusting
nasty man!
JANE [watching this with interest]: You know, I don't think
we destroyed humankind. I think we just bought tickets,
strapped ourselves in, and went along on the ride.
DARIA [pondering this]: I guess you're right. Who needs the
A-bomb when you have good old-fashioned human stupidity to
kill us all?
[JOEY, JEFFY, and JAMIE enter stage left and all try to
crowd into the bathroom, Three Stooges style,
simultaneously. After several seconds, they squeeze through
the doorway.]
[DARIA and JANE halt and lean against their lockers.]
DARIA [sighs, looks at JANE quizzically]: Do you ever think
that we two are the last dim vestiges of sanity on the
planet?
JANE: I used to--but I gave it up. It only depressed me
more. Say, listen--there's one thing that bothers me. Once
BRAIN rules the world, what happens to us two?
[Pan in for a close-up on DARIA and ripple dissolve to image
of a giant cage, interior. DARIA is on all fours, drinking
out of a giant water bottle like the type found in hamster
cages. JANE is running on all fours on a jumbo hamster
wheel. The image explodes with a pop. DARIA shudders.]
DARIA: We get forty acres and a mule, sister Sarah. All
neat and tidy.
JANE: Maybe you oughta cozy up to BRAIN boy--you know,
lipstick, blush, little silk teddie, nylons, Mickey Mouse
ears. Get on his good side.
DARIA: He doesn't have one. And he's not my type.
JANE: Oh, no. High IQ, big forehead, toneless voice, never
smiles, has contempt for all humankind and considers it his
goal in life to avoid all contact with people. Yepper--you
two are nothing alike.
[DARIA scowls at JANE again.]
[Camera pans on down the hall as the P&B theme,
instrumental, plays in the BG. Pan in closer to see PINKY
and THE BRAIN watching their handiwork gleefully.]
BRAIN: Yes, PINKY. Soon the destiny of the planet shall rest
in the iron fists of the two most highly-evolved beings in
existence.
PINKY: Um...Wallace and Gromit?
BRAIN [harsh sigh]: Correction--the ONE most highly-evolved
being in existence, and the intellectual equivalent of a
booger. [seizes PINKY's ear in a tight grip] Focus, damn
you. You and I will be gods among men. World domination will
soon be ours.
PINKY [Trying to pull out of BRAIN's grip, not
enthusiastically]: Ummm...that's nice, BRAIN.
BRAIN [releasing PINKY's ear and throwing hands in air as
if in supplication]: Nice? Is that all you have to say?
PINKY: Ummm...that's nice...poit?
BRAIN [smacks forehead with palm of hand]: I give up. PINKY,
you're hopeless. [pivots, arms in air] Here I am about to
take over the world, and you're still hung up on that
hollow-headed harlot QUINN! Get over it! [PINKY bows head in
shame.] Think of it, PINKY! The world! Even now I hear the
throngs of worshippers flocking to bow down to me!
[A distant rumble is heard. PINKY turns his head to the
right and looks shocked. His jaw drops open and his eyes
bulge out. He furiously raps on BRAIN's head with both fists
to get his attention.]
PINKY: I hear something, BRAIN--but I don't think it's
throngs of worshippers! Narf!!
[BRAIN and PINKY howl in a wild take of terror. P.O.V. shot
of oncoming crowd screaming and pushing and shoving, Pan to
overhead shot of crowd stampeding, splice in audio of
howling wild jungle animals and hoof beats. As the dust
clears, pan down on BRAIN and PINKY lying crushed on the
tile floor. PINKY has a footprint on his back and a kink in
his spine, plus a broken tooth and a black eye. BRAIN has a
backwards 10-and-a-half imposed on his battered head, and
his limbs are twisted.]
BRAIN [choked voice, in pain]: In the immortal words of
Immanuel Kant-- [shrieks] oww, sh[bleep]!!
[A black-and-white stop frame shot of PINKY and QUINN
sucking face in the kitchen, with a chorus of "la la la"s to
the tune of the P&B theme in the BG.]
------------------------------------------------------------
ACT III
------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 1
[Montage of clips and stock footage to illustrate passing of
time. BG MUSIC: Bob Dylan's "World Gone Wrong". We see lines
of abandoned vehicles on the highway, a deserted playground
with empty children's' swing sets lazily going back and forth
in the breeze, the empty streets of Paris, a tumbleweed
blowing in front of the White House (culled from P&B #14,
"It's Only a Paper World"), a clasp of the wooden surface of
a teacher's desk as a piece of paper falls on it--Kenny
McCormick's "Please excuse me from being late. I have
explosive diarrhea. --K" note (from "South Park #106,
"Death")--which soon gets buried in an avalanche of other
similar multicolored notes; a shot of two Porta-Potties
overflowing with excrement (SP #106); a series of spinning
newspapers featuring the same basic headline in various
languages: "Diarrhea Epidemic Hits (country's name here)";
a collection of caricatures of various "talking head" news
personalities moving their mouths silently giving their take
on the situation. Cut to a sweeping overhead pan of the
rooftops of Lawndale and stop over the sidewalk where two
tiny figures--DARIA and JANE--are walking. Pan in on them as
the BG music fades slowly out.]
DARIA: Have you ever seen the old "Twilight Zone" where
Burgess Meredith finds himself the last man alive after a
nuclear explosion and now has a chance to read every work of
literature ever written, like he's always dreamed--but then
breaks his glasses so he can't see to read?
JANE: Yeah. So?
[DARIA imitates the quacking sound made by Meredith as
another of his most well-known characters, The Penguin from
the classic "Batman" TV series.]
JANE: Fatalistic as always, aren't we?
DARIA: I mean, it's like this is what I've always wanted,
right? An idiot-free world. But now that I have it-- [trails
off uncertainly].
JANE: The world needs idiots, kiddo. Gives people like you
and me something to strive for. Think about it. An idiot is
like a pack mule-- strap a yoke on his back and slap him on
the rump to make him go.
DARIA: I always figured KEVIN had great shoulders for
pulling a plow...but it's getting lonely at the top.
JANE [raised eyebrow]: Getting?
DARIA [correcting herself]: Lonelier. Without idiots, where
does it leave a couple of wiseasses like us? There goes our
favorite pastime--poking fun at the world's inadequacies.
JANE: I guess a bad thing can't go on forever. [looks at
DARIA] Tell the truth--you wish we hadn't gotten mixed up in
this whole thing, dont'cha?
DARIA: I just don't see anyone except BRAIN and PINKY
getting their kicks out of this whole diarrhea thing.
[Cut to interior shot of the boys' room at Highland High.
In a stall on the left, a very familiar pair of red shorts
drape over a pair of sneakers. In the right, gray ones.]
voice of BUTT-HEAD: Hey, BEAVIS. Huh-huh-huh.
voice of BEAVIS: Heh-heh. Heh-heh. What?
BUTT-HEAD: I just had a thought, dude.
BEAVIS: Heh-heh. Yeah?
BUTT-HEAD: We're taking a dump in school.
BEAVIS: Ohhhh yeah. Heh-heh. Heh-heh. Heh-heh.
[pause]
BEAVIS: Hey, BUTT-HEAD. I just had a thought too.
BUTT-HEAD: What?
[BEAVIS emits a loud fart.]
[BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD chuckle loudly.]
[Cut back to clasp of DARIA, in deep thought.]
DARIA [muttering]: Diarrhea, cha-cha-cha. Diarrhea,
cha-cha-cha.
JANE [puzzled]: What?
DARIA: Nothing. Just...nothing. [heavy sigh]
JANE: Okay. When you're ready. [pause] Mind if I crash at
your place for a couple nights?
DARIA: What's wrong with your house?
JANE: All the crappers are backed up. Between Trent and the
band's all-night jam session and Penny coming to stay for
two weeks with the kids, our plumbing doesn't stand a chance
in hell.. Man, you don't know fear until you've had to flush
three pairs of panties, a string of soggy Black Cats, and a
guitar pick out of your septic tank.
DARIA: Be my guest. Plenty of room at my place. QUINN's
locked in the upstairs john, Mom's in the downstairs, and
Dad's at the Texaco station two blocks down.
JANE: Lonely at the top, eh?
DARIA: Yep.
[Silence.]
------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 2
[MORGENDORFFER house, interior. Pan in slowly on BRAIN,
seated on the sofa gleefully watching TV. Cut to BRAIN
P.O.V. of screen, where a crew-cut wearing anchorman with
slanted thick eyebrows and a prominent chin is seated at a
news desk. Behind him and to the right are the letters DNN.]
ANCHORMAN: This is DOM BROKEJAW reporting for DNN--Dead from
the Neck-up news. Our top story--the diarrhea epidemic
continues to sweep across the globe in frightening
proportions. [BROKEJAW shifts to his right in the chair, and
a blue-screen image of a toilet with the word "OUTBREAK"
under it in drippy-looking brown and green letters appears
over his left shoulder.] This modern-day black plague has
reduced developing nations to third-world backwaters and
thriving metropolises to ghost towns. We go now to Wolf
Blitzed live on location in New York City for more on this
story. Wolf? [Cut to scene of an empty building-lined
street in the Big Apple. Wolf is nowhere to be seen. Another
victim has fallen.]
BROKEJAW: Well, it--uh--seems that Wolf is--uh--indisposed
at--uh--the moment. We'll--uh--see if we can't track him
down and--uh--get his take on the situation in--uh--a few
minutes. In--uh--in other news--
[BROKEJAW is sweating visibly. He shuffles papers
desperately. Suddenly his own stomach gurgles out loud, and
his eyeballs bulge. His hands contract, wadding the sheets.
He grabs his collar and loosens his tie with a finger.]
BROKEJAW [voice trembling]: Ladies and gentlemen--uhh--this
thing cannot b-be stopped! Run! For the love of
God--uhh--run! Save...your...selves! [collapses, groaning, behind the desk]
[Cut to BRAIN, grinning and rubbing his hands together with
glee. He picks up a pencil stub, balances it under his
armpit, and scribbles on a notepad leaning against the
right arm of the couch.]
BRAIN: Let's see...if the epidemic spreads exponentially,
increasing at a relatively steady pace per hour, then...
[silently calculates for a few seconds as he scribbles]
...the entire human race will be little more than a bad
memory within 48 hours. [holds pencil over head in both
hands and thrusts his pelvis back and forth in a grotesque
motion] Yay-ess!!!
[studies pad again. P.O.V. shot of the page. Pan down to
two crude sketches representing DARIA and JANE. BRAIN's
pencil decisively draws a circle around them, then a
diagonal slash. He chuckles nastily.]
[Cut to shot of the upstairs hallway and pan in on PINKY,
seated forlornly in front of a closed door. He sniffs sadly,
wipes his nose on his wrist, and speaks.]
PINKY: Are...are you all right in there, QUINN honey?
QUINN [faint and weak-sounding from behind the door]:
Y-yeah...I'm okay. I'm just...[swallows thickly]...so sick
to my stomach. I...must have eaten something that didn't
agree with me. [coughs, groans] God! I've been stuck in here
since yesterday...gross!
PINKY: Poit! I-I'm sorry! [sobs] I'm so sorry! I'm sorry!
Narf!
QUINN: It...it's not your fault, honey! I'll--I'll be fine!
It's just--a--a bug or something! Just...just do me one
thing.
PINKY: What?
[A clasp of the space at the bottom of the door. QUINN's
finger, thin and pale pink, pokes out through the crack
blindly, seeming to search desperately for companionship.
PINKY takes it tenderly in one hand and strokes it with the
other. Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On" strikes up in the
BG, making the situation seem less absurd and more
tragic--two lovers separated by cruel fate, starved for the
warmth of each other's touch, the feel of the other's body.
The pathos here is so palpable it could be sliced with a
knife. All of the sudden the music stops as a loud watery
"blatt" breaks the mood.]
QUINN [dismayed]: Oh, god! Gross! All over the seat!
Eeewwww!!
[Cut to the downstairs area, where BRAIN is returning
from the kitchen with a thimbleful of water. On the way
back to the living room, he passes by the closed downstairs
bathroom door. HELEN's voice, chipper as ever even in the
absurdity of the situation, calls to him.]
HELEN: Oh, Professor!
BRAIN: Yes, madam. What can I do for you?
HELEN: Well--I was just wondering...are you sure there's no
toilet paper in the house?
BRAIN: Positive, Madame.
HELEN: Well, when DARIA gets home, could you send her to the
store for a family pack or something?
BRAIN: Why not just use a washcloth? The principle of
Occam's razor*, you know.
*Occam's razor: a philosophical principle that states,
basically, that the simpler of two solutions is generally
the better and more desirable.
HELEN [high laugh]: Ha! Ha! Ha! Don't be silly, Professor! I
don't need any razors, just a roll of toushie tissue or two.
Honestly, you are incorrigible! No, thank, you, I'll just
wait for DARIA to get back.
BRAIN: Very well. Good day, Madame. [walks away a few paces,
then, to himself] Fools. When mankind first rose from the
primordial ooze, he managed to retain a generous quality of
it between his ears. [enters living room, climbs up on the
sofa, and turns the channel by putting a foot on the remote
button. P.O.V. shot of TV screen, where a "Nightline"-type
logo appears.]
ANNOUNCER: This is "Punchline"...with your host, FRED
FLOPPEL.
[Cut to shot of perfectly coifed newsman--cf. P&B #8,
"Brainania" and #36, "The PINKY Protocol"--at a news desk.]
FLOPPEL: Good evening. Tonight--peanut prices have hit rock
bottom. [To FLOPPEL'S left, a graph with a stair-stepping
green line suddenly dropping to the bottom of the chart and
a large green $ in its center appears, Below the graph,
"PEANUT STOCKS DROP".] Due to a recent boom in legume crops
worldwide, wall street is in a panic. [B&W stock footage of
a stampeding crowd racing through the streets in a panic,
anxious stockholders fussing over ticker tapes, a guy
throwing himself through a window.] Recent favorable weather
and our government's failure to curb farm yields have
reduced agricultural legume stock to mere pennies--hardly
worth the paper it is printed on. Investors are losing
millions by the day. [FLOPPEL flips hurriedly through
papers.] In a related story, a mob gathered outside the
Jimmy Carter plantation and proceeded to beat the former
37th President severely.
[Shot of a screaming mob gathered around a man lying on the
ground, beating him. A flailing arm and leg clad in a torn
navy blue suit can be seen in the melee.]
ANGRY MOB MEMBER #1: You were the worst president of this
century!
A.M.M #2: Malaise, my [bleep]ing ass!
[Cut back to FLOPPEL, shuffling papers.]
FLOPPEL: In a completely unrelated story, toilet paper
stocks are on the rise as supplies dwindle to nothing and
grocers' shelves remain bare.
[Shots of a shelf marked TOILET PAPER 2 FOR $1.00 covered
in dust and cobwebs and of a Mr. Whipple look-alike in rags
on a street corner with a piece of cardboard saying WILL LET
YOU SQUEEZE THE CHARMIN FOR FOOD.]
FLOPPEL: The toilet paper shortage has reached such critical
proportions that the President has called a state of
emergency.
[Cut to a shot of the exterior of the White House, with a
quick bit of "Hail to the Chief". Pan in slowly, then cut to
shot of a closed door marked HIS. A voice from within:]
PRESIDENT CLINTON: Hey, HILLARY! Could you bring me a copy
of "It Takes a Village"? I--uh--already went through Al's
book!
[Pan over to similar door marked HERS.]
HILLARY CLINTON: I'm kind of busy in here, Bill!
[Cut to BRAIN, grinning as he watches TV, the flickering
light illuminating every malignant fold on his face. FLOPPEL
rhubarbs on in the background and is drowned out by Henry
Mancini's "Pink Panther" theme as the camera moves to the
back of the couch, where PINKY is furtively entering, stage
right, looking left and right. He reaches under the couch
and pulls out--gasp!--a roll of toilet paper. It seems PINKY
has been holding out on BRAIN. Making sure his large-headed
confederate isn't looking, he hoists the roll over his head
and starts up the steps. The camera follows PINKY upstairs
and down the hall, on the way to the bathroom. Pan in for a
close-up on PINKY as a massive shadow falls over him. The
BG music changes into "Psycho" shower scene music. He gulps;
turns his head. BRAIN is standing at the top of the stairs,
heavily backlit. He is breathing heavily. His fists are
doubled and trembling. His eyes are glowing a demonic red,
and veins are bulging in his bulbous forehead. His ears are
flattened angrily.]
BRAIN: Betrayer! [advances] Judas!!
PINKY: BRAIN! No! N-no! Narf!!
BRAIN: Why, PINKY? Why?
PINKY: P-p-p-poit! QUINN--
BRAIN [roaring]: QUINN?!? You betray me--your oldest and
dearest friend--for that little slut?!? [leaps furiously at
PINKY and grabs for his jugular] you...you BASTARD!!
[PINKY and BRAIN grapple furiously on the ground, rolling
over and over. The toilet paper roll bounces down the
steps. The camera follows its journey downward until it
stops at the opening front door and bumps into the toe of a
black boot. Pan slowly up the leg of the owner of the boot,
to the skirt, thigh, chest, and finally, to the face of
DARIA. She is looking downward.]
DARIA: I don't even want to know.
JANE: Yo--[points upwards]--the boys are really going at it.
[DARIA P.O.V. panning up staircase to the top step. BRAIN
and PINKY come into view. BRAIN has PINKY pinned, hands on
his throat, roaring in fury.]
BRAIN [shrieking]: Damn you, PINKY! I am going to [bleep]ing
kill you!!
[PINKY rears up both feet and drives them into BRAIN's
flabby belly. BRAIN goes careening over the top step,
howling, and bounces down each step to the bottom. He leaps
screaming to his feet and prepares to charge back upstairs
to destroy PINKY. JANE hits the dirt and seizes BRAIN in
both hands. He is squirming so wildly, though, it is
impossible for her to hold on to him.]
JANE: Damn! Help me here, would'jah? I can't keep my grip on
the little bugger!
[DARIA jerks off one of her boots and claps it over JANE's
hands. JANE stuffs BRAIN inside the boot; DARIA ties it
shut. BRAIN continues his fit within the boot. The girls
sink wearily onto the sofa as the boot hops about on the
floor. BRAIN pops free, grabs the roll of toilet paper,
throws open the door, and hurls the roll through the air.
The camera follows its flight into the neighbor's yard,
where the automatic sprinkler reduces it to a soggy,
useless, wrinkled lump. Cut to shot of BRAIN slamming the
door hard enough to rattle the glass in the window frames
and, trembling, turning slowly to face the girls. His teeth
are bared, his fur is bristling, and his eyes threaded with
red veins.]
BRAIN [slowly, grittily]: Don't...[bleep]...with...me!
[The P&B theme plays slowly and menacingly in the
background as the camera pans upward to a bird's-eye-view
of the living room, showing everyone in their places. Then,
the scene fades out.]
------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 3
[Scene: MORGENDORFFER living room. BG MUSIC: the P&B theme,
low and heavy register, with bassoons. JANE and DARIA are
seated on the sofa--right and left respectively. PINKY is
between them. All three are silently watching TV; all are a
bit on edge after BRAIN's outburst, although several days
have passed since the fight. Pan on over to the window,
where BRAIN is standing on the sill looking into the street.
Cut to shot of the exterior of the pane, looking in. BRAIN
is haggard, almost insane-looking. His fur is unkempt, his
eyes have purple bags below them, and his cheeks are
stubbly. DARIA, PINKY, and JANE are visible in the
background. JANE clears her throat loudly to get his
attention.]
JANE: Yo! BRAIN!
BRAIN [not looking around]: Emperor BRAIN.
JANE [sighs]: Emperor BRAIN...there's nothing on TV to
watch.
BRAIN [turns and glares harshly]: What do you mean, there's
nothing to watch? [raises voice a bit] My regime has
generously provided state-sponsored television programming
which meets all content and educational requirements passed
by the FCC in order to entertain and inform you ungrateful
body-pierced teenage hooligans [shouting now] and you say
there's nothing to watch?!?
JANE: Bingo, BRAIN-o. isn't forcing us to watch bad TV
against the Geneva Convention?
[DARIA shoots JANE a querulous look.]
JANE: What? I love "Hogan's Heroes". I'm even thinking of
getting a monocle like Klink's.
PINKY: I-I think she--she just means they want to watch
"Sick Sad World", BRAIN.
DARIA: See it? Hell, I'm living it.
BRAIN [shouts]: Silence! [leaps from the windowsill to the
floor to the table and points furiously at the three of
them, says in an even tone] Now just watch TV quietly and
leave me alone! [steps on the ON button on the remote and
the TV clicks on. Cut to screen, on which there is a test
pattern resembling BRAIN's profile, its head crowned with an
Indian headdress. Instead of beeping, it plays the same
recorded message repeatedly--BRAIN's the leader! BRAIN's the
leader! BRAIN's the leader!"-- in an operatic tone (cf.
P&B #14, "Where No Mouse Has Gone Before"). The screen goes
blank for several seconds, then a program starts. It's
entitled, "All My Brainchildren," and the rating is TV-PB
(PINKY and BRAIN, natch). The scene opens on a sumptuously
furnished parlor. A chimpanzee dressed in a glitzy red
evening gown wearing a blond wig, blue eyeshadow, false
eyelashes, and flaming red lipstick smeared on its mouth
enters stage left. Its mouth moves grotesquely, and a
high-pitched dubbed voice--PINKY imitating a woman--speaks.]
FEMALE CHIMP: Oh, MITCHELL! Poit! You're back from your
six-month elephant safari to the wilds of Pago Pago!
[Pan to shot of a second chimp dressed in a tuxedo and
bowler hat, with a huge handlebar mustache taped to its lip
and a monocle in its eye. He speaks in a snooty British
accent, provided by BRAIN--that sounds a lot like Etno from
"Space Goofs". The camera cuts back and forth between the
chimps throughout.]
MALE CHIMP [MITCHELL]: Yes, KAREN! I have returned from the
jungle where I have spent the last half-year lying in my cot
smoking with fever and thinking of nothing but you!
FEMALE CHIMP [KAREN]: Poit! [heaves deep breath] I thought
you 'ad died overseas of malaria given to you by the
schizophrenic blind shaman what was raised by Tasmanian
wolves after being abandoned by his parents in the fiery
plane crash during the typhoon right before the flood that
caused the mudslide that buried the small tribal village
during that year of plague!
[Cut to shot of the girls. DARIA is dumbfounded. JANE's
lips are drawn to the right in a pondering pucker, eyebrow
drawn up. Cut back to screen.]
MITCHELL: Ah...but that was only a vicious rumor spread by
my enemies in the Illiminati. I am alive and well, and I
have returned to you! And I wish to marry you!
[Cut to shot of the kitchen door that swings open and
admits a third chimp. He is dressed in a yachting outfit
with an ascot and a sailor hat.]
MITCHELL: Who is this lout, darling?
KAREN: Oh, MITCHELL! Troz! I-I thought you were dead! I-I
couldn't be alone!
CHIMP IN ASCOT [speaks in a Canadian accent provided by
BRAIN; sounds like the prime Minister of Canada from "Brain
of the Future (#22) and "Pinky's Plan" (#34)]: What is this,
eh? Who is this man in my house, eh?
MITCHELL: Your house?
KAREN: I-I couldn't be alone, darling. This is LOGAN, my--my
lover! Troz!
MITCHELL: Your lover, eh?
LOGAN: Eh, that's my line, eh?
MITCHELL: Well, then--love this!! [A toy pistol appears in
MITCHELL's hand, and a gunshot is dubbed in. LOGAN says,
"I'm dead, eh?" and falls over on his back, tongue lolling
out.]
KAREN [loud fake sobs]: Oh, LOGAN! Narf!!
[The screen breaks into static and clicks past several
images that look like scenes from music videos. Cut to shot
of JANE clicking buttons on the remote. She stops.]
JANE: How about this?
[Cut to shot of an image of a baboon sitting on a tree
branch. It bears a striking resemblance to Cow and
Chicken's I.R. Baboon. It scratches tself and sniffs its
index finger as the narrator speaks.]
NARRATOR [a droning monotone]: Here we see a specimen of the
extremely rare Guatemalan red-assed baboon of southeastern
Sumatra. This beautiful and majestic creature is noted for
its luxurious plume of hair and its prominent...
[Cut to extreme close-up of DARIA's face with twin images
of the baboon's ass reflected in her glasses. A squeaky
flatulent sound is heard. Cut to shot of DARIA taking the
remote from JANE.]
DARIA: Give me that. [click]
[Shot of TV screen again. PINKY's cheery face, wearing a
fake mustache, fills the screen. The image pulls back to
show PINKY standing in front of a group of cardboard cutouts
in a row of eggshell cartons.]
PINKY: Poit! This is Pinkaldo Revolting, and I'm on TV!
Narf! Hi, Mum! Woo-hoo! Zort!! [waves furiously]
BRAIN's voice, off-camera, whispering furiously: Get on with
it!
PINKY: Oh! Right! Sorry, BRAIN! Troz! [clears throat] Today
we will be talking about dogs what stray out of the yard...
and the females what love 'em!
[Camera angle shifts to show a group of chairs behind PINKY.
From left to right are seated BUTTONS, RITA and RUNT,
STINKBOMB D. BASSETT (from Animaniacs #58, "Smell Ya Later")
and grandson Bumpo, DOUG THE DOG (from #3, "Slappy Goes
Walnuts"), SAM the sheepdog from the classic Looney Toons
cartoons, NEWT the wiener dog, and, to PINKY's right, BUDDY
and BRANDY. PINKY sticks a tiny microphone in BUDDY's face.]
PINKY: You, sir--'ow often do you dig under the fence and
leave your mate at 'ome waiting for you?
[BUDDY sniff's PINKY's arm, scowls, then snaps at him. He
throws back his head and swallows, and a lump slides down
his throat. There is a splashing noise, and BUDDY licks his
lips. Pan in on a close-up of his belly.]
PINKY [voice echoing]: That's all for today! Tune in
tomorrow when we'll be talking to a dog what says he's a
Chihuahua trapped in a Great Dane's body! Narf! G'night,
everybody!
[PINKY looks first at DARIA, then JANE, smiling hopefully.
DARIA shakes her head slowly, then gives the remote another
click.]
[Cut to screen showing a rerun of "Sanford and Son". FRED
SANFORD is staggering about with his hand on his heart while
Lamont casually looks on.]
FRED: Oh, d'is da big one, Lamont! 'Lizbeth, ah'm comin' t'
join ya, honey! Wif' a bottle of ripple, an' an ol'
toof'brush!
[Cut to shot of PINKY leaping for joy on the sofa. DARIA and
JANE turn their heads to look at him.]
PINKY: O-ooo-oo-ooh, I love this one! Narf! This is the one
where Aunt Esther says, "You ol' fish eyed heathen.
Hallelujah! Praise glory! [As he does this, he puts his
hands on his hips and moves his head around in that weird
circular thing black chicks do when they get pissed off,
then claps his hand on the "Hallelujah".] Narf! Zort! [high
silly giggle]
[DARIA and JANE look at him, then at each other, then nod.
Daria doubles her fist and bops PINKY on the head first. He
"narfs" in pain. JANE does the same. A second "narf". PINKY
lies in a crumpled heap on the sofa, eyeballs spinning,
stars whirling about his head. JANE picks up the remote and
gives it a click.]
JANE: Sheesh! nothing on but bad old sitcoms, crappy music
videos, stupid soap operas, and boring nature documentaries.
DARIA: Yep--the more things change, the more they suck.
JANE: [Turning to BRAIN] You know this is insane. You can't
keep us here like prisoners.
DARIA: It's madness. how can you rule a world without people
in it?
JANE: Yeah, she's got a point. It's like tearing the drywall
off the house to burn for kindling in dead of winter. You
got yourself a fire, but you're freezing to death in a
vacant lot.
PINKY: Poit! It's like selling a veggie burger what 'as
twice as much fat and calories than a regular burger and
calling it good for you!
[BRAIN and DARIA and JANE stare at him in silent wonder.]
PINKY: What? It worked for Linda McCartney. Troz!
BRAIN [to the girls]: ladies, your analogeic arguments amuse
me....but I recalled the fiasco with Chia Earth all too
well, and therefore I took steps to have the problem well in
hand. Observe.
[Cut to shot of the outside of the window, with BRAIN
gesturing triumphantly. DARIA comes to the window and looks
out. Her eyes widen in surprise. Cut to DARIA'S P.O.V of
Lawndale, in a letterbox shot. The streets resemble a
post-apocalyptic nightmare...cracked pavement, huge potholes
in the road, bare trees, tumble-down houses, gray skies,
rusted-out automobiles with dusty cracked windows, etc.
Wild animals fill the streets. Monkeys roam around the
rusty car bodies and deteriorating houses, chittering. Dogs
and raccoons skulk about, sniffing the overflowing garbage
bags along the curb, Rats scurry up from the sewer grates.
The whole thing looks like a Dr. Doolittle acid trip. Cut
back to DARIA, with a defeated, fearful look on her face.]
DARIA [softly]: All this happened in one week?
[Cut to JANE, still clicking channels. She settles on a
rerun of "The Addams Family". Her lips are puckered again,
this time to the left, thoughtfully. She turns her head to
the left.]
JANE: All what?
DARIA [approaches sofa slowly as if drugged, looking in
shock, says softly] The whole town has gone to [bleep]shack
shambles overnight.
JANE: Es verdad? This I gotta see. [gets up and runs to the
window. A second later, loudly--] Ho-leeeee crap!!
[Cut back to exterior shot of windowpane. DARIA's face
appears next to JANE's, and both stare shocked at what they
see. BRAIN is gleeful. Pan out to the street, where a bunch
of beavers (cf. P&B #25, "Leave it to Beavers") are laboring
over a large lump of paper mache. Pan upward to show an
immense statue of BRAIN resembling the Statue of Liberty...
except instead of a torch, it holds a whip, and instead of a
Bible, a small globe sits in its claws. Cut to interior of
the house as the girls sink dejectedly onto the sofa.
BRAIN is exuberant.]
BRAIN: L'etat c'est moi! Yes!! [close-up of BRAIN as he
turns to face the girls and grins broadly into the camera]
DARIA...JANE...Are you pondering what I'm pondering?
JANE [looking at Morticia Addams on TV, her head cocked]:
I think so, BRAIN--but how did Carolyn Jones ever fit into
that cocktail dress?
[BRAIN, his face in shadows and extreme close-up, scowls.]
DARIA [seems to consider JANE's idea]: A viable
concern...but no. Do you realize that we have stepped into a
Darwinian nightmare?
[PINKY lifts his foot, sniffs the sole, then "poit"s quietly
and makes an "eww" face, scowling and putting out his
tongue.]
DARIA [continuing, trying to ignore PINKY as best she can]:
Evolution has flipped upside down. So-called higher life
forms have fallen by the wayside, and lower beings have
risen to prominence.
JANE: Which means?
DARIA [wryly]: That trip to the beach I planned for next
week is just ruined.
JANE: That's right. Look for the silver lining in
everything.
BRAIN: Man is dead. Evolution's greatest mistake has been
corrected...now the beast shall inherit the earth. [Pan in
slowly on BRAIN as he speaks.] And best of all, it didn't
take an ice age or a cataclysmic event like a nuclear
explosion to cleanse the planet. . .just a handful of
peanuts and man's own narcissistic, self-destructive
tendencies. [dry chuckle] Mankind's reign of terror ends not
with a bang, but rather a whimper!
JANE: Yeah, but the food's still lousy and the TV programs
suck.
[DARIA's gut rumbles loudly, and she flushes pinkly with
embarrassment as she pulls the bottom of her jacket down.]
DARIA: Please don't mention food. I'm starving here. My
mom hasn't been out of the house to go shopping in days.
BRAIN: Ha! it's hard to be noble when your belly is growling
and the larder is bare, isn't it, child? At this point, I'd
imagine you'd sell your soul for a doughnut! that, in
essence, is human nature--greedy, indulgent, self-absorbed!
PINKY: Uh, BRAIN--I'm a mite 'ungry meself. Poit!
BRAIN: Silence, betrayer. [PINKY clams up.] Give up, little
girl. Have some peanuts. Subjugate yourself to oblivious
mob stupidity. [evil chuckle]
[DARIA gets to her feet and folds her arms defiantly over
her chest, scowling, facing BRAIN. BRAIN repeats the
gesture. BG MUSIC: spaghetti western showdown music, Clint
Eastwood-esque.]
DARIA: I may do a lot of crap I hate myself for...but
selling out isn't one of them. [steps closer] What's to stop
me from pulling your head off and popping it like a grape?
BRAIN : Ha! Try surviving one day without me! Like it or
not, you need me to survive. You'll end up dying of
emaciation on your sofa or being torn to shreds by my army
of monkeys the second you step out the door!
[Pan in for extreme close-up of BRAIN's eyes, narrowed
menacingly, somewhat puffy and bloodshot for lack of sleep.
Cut to close-up of DARIA's eyes, as neutral as ever, eyelids
half-shut. We hear her thoughts right at this moment.]
DARIA's thoughts: Look at me, Grandma--your little girl is
fighting with a rat for control of the planet. A lifelong
dream come true.
[DARIA, in a low tone, does some Penguin quacking and takes
off her glasses. Blurred P.O.V. shot of BRAIN still in his
Western pose. Cut back to DARIA as she settles her glasses
back on her nose.]
DARIA's thoughts: It's now or never, Grandma. Something's
got to give here.
[All of a sudden there is a horrific sound--tires squealing,
an engine backfiring, crashing--from outside. DARIA, BRAIN,
JANE and PINKY all turn their heads sharply. BG MUSIC--
"Flagpole Sitta" (I'm Paranoid) screams from the van's radio
until it pulls to a stop. Cut to exterior shot of the
windowpane as BRAIN presses his nose against the glass,
anxious. Pan to the left to see the front door open just a
crack and DARIA's eye peeping out. The door then opens to
show DARIA, JANE, and PINKY run out into the yard to see
what the ruckus is about. Monkeys scatter, squealing as they
run past. Camera pans up the block in a letterbox shot as a
rusty, dented, weather-beaten van that was once white but
has since faded to a sickly gray snakes its way down the
street, weaving and reeling in a furious cloud of smoke,
banging and sputtering. Its windshield is has two bullet
holes in it, the hood is dented and beat up and leaking
steam, and the paint is peeling. On its side is a faded
LAZE logo--it's a snack food truck. The most unusual thing
about this vehicle is not its being here in this
post-apocalyptic version of Lawndale, but the small
projectiles flying from its side windows. Cut to shots of
the mysterious objects striking their targets--one thudding
against the front door of a neighboring house and dropping
onto the porch, one striking the head of a
ridiculous-looking lawn gnome, one smashing through a living
room window, and one flying through a small open bathroom
window. Cut to shot of the van screeching to a stop near
DARIA's house, jumping the curb and knocking over a
pyramidal stack of flyblown Hefty bags, filling the air with
the sickly-sweet stench of rotting garbage. The engine
backfires and stops; the music shuts off. A MAN staggers out
of the cab of the vehicle, his eyes darting back and forth
madly, almost paranoid-looking. He bears a striking
resemblance to Charlton Heston in both "Soylent Green" and
"The Omega Man". His performance may also call to mind that
of Kevin Costner in "The Postman", except it doesn't suck.
His face is covered in a straggly, uncombed beard, his hair
is mussed, and he wears the torn, filthy pit-stained brown
uniform of a Laze delivery man.]
MAN [in a hoarse scream]: The source of our diarrhea is
peanuts! It's peanuts!!
[The CRAZED SNACK FOOD VENDOR reaches into his van and takes
out a vending box--the type the vendors wear at ball games,
circuses, and sporting events--with the company logo on it,
hurriedly puts the strap over his shoulders, and, still
looking around in terror, runs over to the country-style
mailboxes on the curb and furiously stuffs handfuls of
colorful cellophane bags into each one. Suddenly the
monkeys surround the VENDOR and leap at him, clawing and
biting and scratching. He smacks at them violently and
tosses them to the ground and they grab at and spill his
goods.]
VENDOR [choked growl]: Get your paws off of me, you damn
dirty apes!
[Socks a monkey on his arm in the kisser and turns to run as
it screams in outrage. Suddenly he stops dead in his tracks.
Cut to overhead shot of the VENDOR's face, sweat-covered,
contorted in pain and anger and confusion, his hands twisted
into claws. His forehead shines with moisture, and his neck
is grubby with dirt and sweat beads. He screams in fury.
The monkeys swarm about him and tug at the remnants of his
pant cuff, chittering. Cut to VENDOR P.O.V. of the
enormous BRAIN Statue of Liberty made of paper mache, then
pull back to see the VENDOR facing the statue, away from the
camera, as he drops to his knees with his arms raised as if
praying to heaven.]
VENDOR: Oh my god...you've done it...you've really done it.
You've destroyed it all. Damn you. [shouting] Damn you! Damn
you all to hell!!
[pounds his fists on the ground and sobs]
[Cut to overhead shot of a patch of grass in DARIA's front
yard. BRAIN races into the frame, stage right, and hops
furiously up and down, shaking his fists.]
BRAIN: Blast it! What in blazes are you primitive
flea-bitten lower primates doing? Restrain that raving
lunatic before he ruins everything! Seize him! Seize--!
[A black boot--DARIA's--suddenly falls on top of BRAIN with
a sickening crunch as she hurries by...followed by a second
boot--JANE's--and a second crunch. BRAIN is mashed flat on
the ground, face first in the dirt. PINKY hurries past
BRAIN's flattened body, to the left. Pan to the end of the
block as the three stand on the curb and watch the CRAZED
VENDOR's histrionic behavior.]
JANE: You want to talk to this guy? He might be dangerous.
DARIA [focusing a determined glance on JANE]: At this point,
I might be dangerous.
JANE [frowns]: What the hell's that mean?
DARIA [shrugs]: I don't know. If John Wayne had said it,
it's sound right, but--oh, skip it. [takes JANE by the hand]
C'mon.
[DARIA, JANE, PINKY gingerly approach the CRAZED VENDOR,
still on his knees and weeping. He turns a teary face
towards them, and his eyes widen.]
VENDOR: Humans! [He flies to his feet and seizes both
DARIA's arms just under the shoulders. She is shocked and
appalled--for the VENDOR likely hasn't seen a shower or
shave in days.] Thank God! I-I thought I was the last one
still alive!
JANE: All right, you frigging nutball, get your hands off
her, you, or I'll-- [reaches into her pocket and pulls out a
toothpick, stares at it, then continues nervously]--
I'll--uh--pick your ass to death.
PINKY: Yeah! You're in for it now, mister man! Poit! Zort!
DARIA [looking worried]: Uh...guys...don't help me...please.
VENDOR [breathing hard, swallowing]: The source...of our
diarrhea...is peanuts. [reaches into the pocket of the
remnants of his uniform and pulls out several cellophane
packets, which he stuffs into DARIA's hands.] Here. take
these. they're salvation. [produces more packets and gives
them to JANE.] Give them...to your families...friends...
anyone left alive.
DARIA: um, technically, sir, no one's died, really, from
this. They're just--[pauses, rolls eyes]--stuck on the
hopper crapping their guts out.
JANE [looks at one of the packets]: Sunflower seeds? [tears
it open, shakes a few into her mouth, and cracks the shells
into her mouth.] Gracias. [spits shell]
VENDOR [howling] no!! Dear God, woman, what in hell's name
are you doing? [seizes JANE's wrists hard enough to make her
flinch]
JANE: Oww!! God! Sorry! I'm a little peckish, okay? Damn!
VENDOR: You don't remove the shells...you chew them and
swallow them. It's the only way to cure this plague, don't
you get it?
DARIA: Ye-eah. Clear as mud.
VENDOR [exasperated]: You chew the shells and swallow them.
They soak up the extra water in the bowels and solidify the
stool.
PINKY: Ohh--poit! We 'ad a broken stool in the lab once--
but they solidified it with wood glue, not sunflower seed
shells. Troz!
VENDOR [suspiciously]: Who's the little fella?
DARIA [sighs]: My sister's boyfriend. They did experiments
on him.
VENDOR [furiously]: I knew it! The government's gone too
far now! First Ebonics. . .then the TV ratings...and now
this!!
DARIA and JANE [curious]: This?
VENDOR [explosively]: This!!! this epidemic! They create a
peanut surplus, give everyone on the planet the Hershey
squirts, and then study us like lab rats in order to find a
cure--like that black cancer thing on "The X-Files"! [points
to PINKY] it's because of the government that this young man
is so stunted and hairy and stupid! He must have expelled
all the fluids and nutrients in his body out his rectum!
DARIA [rolls eyes]: Ye-eah. Right on the money.
VENDOR [edging closer to the girls]: I know the truth! I'm
the only one who does left...and [holding up a bag of seeds]
I am the only one who knows the cure!
JANE[chewing thoughtfully]: Sunflower seed shells?
VENDOR [shrieks]: Yes!! [Pull back to a group shot of the
VENDOR, DARIA, JANE, and PINKY as the picture ripple
dissolves to show a flashback. Fade to scene of a clean
white snack food truck driving down a quiet street. Pan in
to show the VENDOR in a clean, pressed uniform and cap,
fresh and youthful and clean-shaven, behind the wheel.
Cue voice-over.]
VENDOR voice: My name is...[pause]...was...MARK BERKOWITZ.
I was the top snack guy on my route. You wanted a sack of
nuts, a bag of chips, a candy bar, you came to me. It was a
damn good job--nice pay, reasonable hours, dental, the whole
shebang. [Breathes heavily, coughs, goes on. Cut to
shots of BERKOWITZ handing out sacks of peanuts to
schoolchildren, filling a vending machine with bags of nuts,
wheeling a pushcart filled with boxes marked NUTS through a
door marked STADIUM REAR ENTRANCE--DELIVERIES ONLY.] Then,
couple or three weeks ago, it started. my orders for peanuts
doubled, tripled, four-pled. Pretty soon all I was moving
was peanuts. The candy bars, chocolate, chips, all that--
locked up in the warehouse .I didn't think a whole hell of a
lot about it...till I started noticing a lot more absences
from work for medical problems. [Cut to shots of BERKOWITZ
searching a file cabinet and then at a computer, his face
awash in a sickly green light.] I searched the company
records, looked at delivery invoices, surfed the Net--and I
turned up evidence of a conspiracy. [high giggle. A shot of
BERKOWITZ at a file cabinet, his back to the camera. A door
creaks open and a yellow light falls on his back. Cut to
shot of BERKOWITZ standing under a spotlight, facing away
from the camera and at a half-dozen shadowy figures behind a
desk.] they caught me with my hand in the cookie jar and got
me on the carpet. [voice choked with tears] I never knew
what hit me. I was called to the boss' office, tried, and
convicted in ten minutes--didn't get a chance to tell my
side of it. I lost my job. [coughs] I lost it all. [coughs
again. A shot of BERKOWITZ standing in the dark with his
hands in his coat pockets under a streetlight. A large
factory building is in the background. His head is bowed
down in suffering anguish.] It was then that He spoke to me.
He had a low, deep voice--like Roddy McDowall. He told me
that it was my job to save the world...that I was the
Chosen One. [giggles again] I had to go out and tell them
the Truth. The Truth was in the Seed. Yes, sir. [An extreme
close-up of a sunflower seed, followed by one of a crowbar
being wedged between two metal doors to jimmy them open. An
alarm goes off.] That night I broke into the warehouse and
stole every damn bag of seeds I could lay my hands on and I
high-tailed it the frig outta there.
[Shot of BERKOWITZ running into the night with a huge sack
over his shoulder and bags stuffed into his pants and coat
pockets, with barking dogs hot on his tail and searchlights
everywhere. Ripple dissolve ends; slow pan to BERKOWITZ with
tears in his eyes.]
BERKOWITZ: they're...after me. I've been running at least a
week now. They've tried to kill me at least once. I stole a
truck to make my getaway, and I've been using it to deliver
bags of sunflower seeds to every house, apartment, and
residence I can. I've been driving cross-country day and
night, sleeping in the van or in ditches, looking over my
shoulder every second-- [pauses, mops sweat off brow with
the back of his hand] Look--I--I wasted enough time here.
The government will stop at nothing to get me. it's up to
me to keep the victims alive and regular with sunflower
seed shells... [looks about furtively]...at least until I
find where the conspiracy stashed the goods.
JANE [eyebrow raised]: Goods?
BERKOWITZ [eyes crazed]: The goods, woman! Every scrap of
tushie tissue on the planet! No doubt the lousy liberal
bastards stashed it in some godforsaken government
lab...or--or a warehouse somewhere in Utah, like where they
stash them dead alien bodies.
DARIA [puzzled]: Dead alien bodies?
JANE [also puzzled]: Tushie tissue?
VENDOR [continues rambling]: I have to complete my
mission...before I--I-- [lets out a Homer Simpson-esque
shriek as he spots BRAIN, flanked by several rather
vicious-looking monkeys. BRAIN points to BERKOWITZ and
grins, his face in shadows. The monkeys advance.]
PINKY [scared]: Egad! BRAIN! No! Poit! Leave the nice crazy
man alone!
BERKOWITZ: So...you!! You are the brains behind the plot,
eh? Who're you working for, hmmm? [recoils] Keep your damn
dirty genetically enhanced ape warriors off me! [pivots,
bolts in the opposite direction]
DARIA: I think the Chosen One is a few chips shy of a bag.
JANE: Yeah--[spits seed shell]--but I think he's our last
hope.
DARIA: You're willing to trust him now?
JANE: Why not? What've we got to lose?
[Cut to BERKOWITZ racing through a grassy field, terrified.
BG MUSIC: something tense and high, with strings, almost
like "Psycho" shower scene music. Pull back to show an army
of monkeys riding after BERKOWITZ on horseback, carrying
sticks. Two of them are carrying an immense fishnet between
them, which they toss over BERKOWITZ and drag him along the
ground in. BERKOWITZ manages to struggle free, tear a hole
in the net, and escape. The monkeys viciously pursue him,
but he eludes them. He stumbles, falls face first in the
weeds, gets up slowly and laboriously, and half-runs,
half-crawls to his van. Heaving himself into the cab, he
revs the engine. BERKOWITZ P.O.V. of windshield filled with
savage monkeys hurling themselves at the glass and
screaming. Their weight cracks the windshield. "Flagpole
Sitta" starts up again in the BG as the engine roars. Cut to
an overhead shot of the van making a sharp U-turn and
scattering screaming monkeys everywhere. A horse rears up
and whinnies. The van backfires loudly and lurches off down
the street, belching smoke and weaving madly. Pan back to
JANE, DARIA, and PINKY as they watch their new friend
depart. BG music fades out. Long silence.]
JANE [pours the last few seeds from the bag in her mouth,
crumples it, and tosses it over her shoulder, then smacks
her lips]: Charming guy.
[BRAIN comes up behind the girls, scowling. The balled-up
cellophane wrapper bounces off his bulbous head, and he
furiously rubs it and grumbles.]
PINKY: Oh, yes! Poit! 'e ought to get together with that
nice bloke what let us stay in 'is tarpaper shack and
shared all 'is lovely Spam recipes with us that time you and
me tried to get the PINKY Alcohol to the authorities! Narf!
BRAIN: PROTOCOL, not alcohol, PINKY...[under his breath]
...jackass. [aloud] And, quite frankly, that overly
paranoid vendor made that rustic NRA poster boy we
unfortunately made the acquaintance of look like William F.
Buckley Jr. by comparison.
[DARIA sighs and examines the packet of seeds in her hand.
BERKOWITZ's voice echoes in her head: "He spoke to me...told
me that...I was the Chosen One...they're after me...it's up to
me...I have to complete my mission...my mission...mission
...He told me...Chosen One...Chosen One...Chosen..." She
gives her head a vigorous shake to clear it and begins
muttering to herself.]
DARIA: Chosen One. Chosen...One. [DARIA P.O.V. of seed bag,
extreme close-up.] Can it really make a difference? [aloud,
to JANE] Can one man really save mankind, or is BERKOWITZ
just some kook with a screw loose?
BRAIN: I'm opting for the latter option, my dear DARIA.
What you have just witnessed are the deluded meanderings of
a grade-A looney-toon. One man simply cannot make a
difference.
PINKY: Ohh...you're wrong there, BRAIN. once upon a time
there was a man born to 'umble beginnings to a dirt-poor
couple in a bed of straw while a star shone up above in the
East...and that little baby grew up into a bloke what went
on to much greater things, by gum! Narf! [Pan in slowly on
PINKY as he speaks and cue up "The Battle hymn of the
Republic" in the BG.] They called 'im a madman. They called
'im a drunkard! They called him a 'eretic! they looked at
'is humble clothes and his long 'air and 'is beard and 'is
sandals and they 'ated him--because 'e told the truth, 'e
did, and 'e fed the 'ungry, and clothed the naked, and
'ealed the sick and the cripples--yet they threw stones at
'im and drove 'im out of every place 'e and 'is followers
went to! [Pan slowly over the astonished faces of BRAIN,
JANE, and DARIA, then back to PINKY, still on a roll.] They
even wanted to kill that man for what 'e believed...but that
didn't stop 'im! No sir and no ma'am! And when 'is work 'ere
on earth was done, 'e turned out to be the greatest Savior
this earth 'as ever known! [music hits crescendo] Troz! And
that man's name was...was....was...er...uh... [sound of
record needle scratching as it is pulled off the turntable]
'ey, BRAIN, what was the name of that 'ippie bloke what
drove that beige van with all those religious slogans stuck
up on it? Ohh, you know the one I'm talkin' about--that
religious kook what lives in that 'ouse up on Franklin
Street with THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A SINNING CHRISTIAN
painted on the side of it? Oh, you know 'is name, right?
[snorts laugh and "poits". DARIA and JANE shake their heads
in disgust and walk away, their backs to PINKY.] Guys?
Uh...guys?
[Whimpers. BRAIN walks up to PINKY and places a comforting
hand on his shoulder. PINKY smiles weakly.]
BRAIN: I reiterate, PINKY...no one man can make a
difference. There is no way that ragtag crackpot could ever
fulfill his mission and spoil my plan.
[Spin cut to scene of DARIA and JANE watching TV together in
DARIA's living room. DOM BROKEJAW is speaking.]
BROKEJAW: And now, the heartwarming story of a ragtag
crackpot who fulfilled his mission and saved the world from
an epidemic of diarrhea with only a beat-up snack food truck
and a handful of sunflower seeds. [Cut to shot of the TV
screen with BROKEJAW seated on a sound stage in a
comfortable stuffed chair. He smiles pleasantly.] Please
welcome Mr. MARK BERKOWITZ. [The image on screen pans back
to show BERKOWITZ, clean-shaven and neatly-dressed, on
BROKEJAW's left, also in a comfy chair.]
BERKOWITZ [shaking BROKEJAW's hand]: Thanks. It's...uh...
nice to be here.
[Cut back to a close-up of BROKEJAW.]
BROKEJAW: Sir, you are a truly remarkable man. Now you say
that after you lost your job with the Laze Snack Food
Corporation, God Himself told you to go forth into the world
and dispense food to the hungry and diarrhea-stricken
masses. Is that correct?
BERKOWITZ: Uh...yes, that is correct.
BROKEJAW: And you say God sounds a lot like-- [checks his
cue card, raises eyebrows]--Roddy McDowall?
BERKOWITZ: Yes. Yes, He does.
BROKEJAW: And you say that after you battled the crazed
monkey army and saw the giant paper mache Statue of Liberty,
you realized you weren't the only human left on the planet
after all?
BERKOWITZ: Yeah. There were these two freaky-looking girls
wandering in the rubble. One had hair like a football
helmet, and the other never smiled. It was spooky. [clutches
chair arms and glances about shiftily, his voice hoarse with
fear] I think those liberal government bastards did
mind-altering experiments on them.
[Cut to shot of DARIA and JANE as they look at one another.]
DARIA: Hey, helmet hair...are the electrodes in the back of
my neck showing?
JANE [squints at her]: No-ooo-oo-o...but that field jacket
would hide any mysterious implants or scars below the neck.
[Cut back to shot of screen, with BROKEJAW and BERKOWITZ
still talking.]
BROKEJAW: So let me get this straight, Mr. BERKOWITZ--you
believe that our government gave everyone on the planet a
genetically engineered virus as part of a plot to find a
cure for diarrhea?
BERKOWITZ [in close-up]: That's right, DOM. They seeded the
clouds with a lethal biotoxin and infected every peanut from
here to Zanzibar. [pounds his fist on the arm of his chair]
The government has been using us as lab rats for years!
Agent Orange! Thalidomide! New Coke! There's too flippin'
many unanswered questions--like: why would they risk the
health of the whole human race just to try to find a cure
for diarrhea when it can be treated with a simple high-fiber
diet? Did the big snack-food companies have any knowledge of
the plot, and if so, why did they allow themselves to be the
distribution agent for the contaminated nuts? What was the
role of the military industrial complex in the conspiracy?
And--[raises finger in the air for dramatic effect]--the
most important question of all: what the hell happened to
the actor who played Grady on "Sanford and Son"? I haven't
seen him in years! [stamps his foot and doubles his fists]
The public has a right to know!!
BROKEJAW [touches BERKOWITZ's shoulder]: Honestly, sir, I--
BERKOWITZ [flinches, gets defensive]: Get your paws off of
me, you damn dirty ape! [gasps] Oh, my god--you destroyed it
all! [shrieks] Damn you! Damn you all to hell!! [blinks,
comes back to himself, assumes quiet tone] Sorry.
Flashbacks. Real painful.
BROKEJAW: Understandable, after your ordeal...but, really, I
must point out, sir, that there are no such things as
conspiracies.
[Pan left to a third sofa containing the PAID CLINTON
ASSASSIN from Part 1, Act 1, Scene 1, his head still
concealed with a blue dot.]
ASSASSIN [in synthesized tone]: Mmmmm...well, now, I
wouldn't say that, DOM.
[The screen clicks to static, then a rapid montage of
BERKOWITZ's face. It seems he's real popular on the
talk-show circuit. The clicking halts briefly to a shot of a
mob outside Acme Labs, smashing out windows, kicking open
doors, and prying them open with crowbars. Carrying toilet
paper and scientific equipment out in armloads, they hoot
excitedly and engage in an orgy of looting, trashing, and
setting fires to parked cars. Click to "Sick Sad World"
logo and theme music.]
SSW ANNOUNCER: Popular children's talk show host LAMB CHOP
confesses to participating in a drunken orgy with MTV's SILF
and OLLY. [Split screen with L.C. on the left and S&O on the
right, each with those little numbered mug shot plaques.]
Sock puppet sex scandals--next on "Sick Sad World"!
JANE: If Sheri Lewis were still alive, she'd roll over in
her grave.
DARIA: And pound on the lid of her casket screaming "Let me
out!"
[QUINN's wail of despair is heard from off-camera.]
DARIA: And here we have the cry of the wild
strawberry-tufted titmouse.
[QUINN, in hysterics, bangs open the front door and enters
stage right. She is waving a letter furiously in her hand
and is sobbing so hard she is more incoherent that usual.]
QUINN [bawling]: Oh...god! P-PINKY and I--[sniffles]--w-we
broke up! [slumps down on the sofa to DARIA's left and
pushes the letter in her face. JANE leans over for a better
look.] He--he--he sent me this! No guy has ever dumped me
before! What am I going to do, DARIA? What am I going to do?
DARIA: For starters, cry on your own damn shirtfront.
QUINN: Are you kidding? This shirt cost me fifteen bucks
at Cashman's! [boohoos louder]
JANE: Hmmmm...looks like a "Dear John" letter to me.
[Cut to close-up of the letter. It reads "Dear John", with
"John" crossed out and "Quinn" written next to it. Pan
slowly down the page as DARIA reads the contents.]
DARIA's voice: "I fear that the time has come for our amour
to come to a quiet and discreet conclusion as soon as
possible before there are injurious repercussions. As much
as it pains my heart, I sincerely hope that you are
pondering what I am pondering. Othello said it best over the
cold body of Desdemona: 'Then must you speak of one who
loved wisely but too well. I kissed thee ere I killed thee.'
All I ask is that you forget me--or, if thou'st should think
upon me, do it without pain or malice in thy heart. With all
my love, PINKY."
QUINN [sobbing violently]: Oh, god, that was so
beautiful! [sniffles] I can't believe PINKY could write
something like that!
DARIA: Neither can I. I'm surprised that he could get past
the P in "PINKY".
QUINN [explosively]: Oh, DARIA, shut up! Just shut up! Just
because you've never known true love is no reason to ruin it
for everyone else!
DARIA: All I know is, you'd never catch me dating a guy who
looks like a reject from "Willard".
JANE: Look at it this way, QUINN--you lost your dream guy,
but at least you trimmed off enough weight on the bathroom
barc-o-lounger to fit into those new cutouts.
QUINN [brightens a bit]: Yeah, I did, didn't I? They're not
as tight in the hips now that-- [realizes she has just been
patronized and turns pouty]--ooohh!! Damn you! Making fun of
me at the lowest point of my life! [sniffles, becomes
reminiscent] He was so sweet...and funny. I remember one
time I took him to my exercise class with me. I asked him if
he ever tried yoga. He said yeah--he liked the
banana-flavored ones, but the cherry tastes like gasoline.
[giggles] Narf! Poit! [sighs and becomes melancholy again]
But he--he's gone now. He must have left me because I got
sick and had to spend all that time on the toilet--uck! No
wonder he broke up with me! Did you see what I did in
there? [hides face in her hands] God, I've never been so
embarrassed!
JANE: Sure you have. Remember that time you and Johnnie Mack
were watching "The Exorcist" over the phone together, and
you got so scared you had a--
[QUINN shrieks in outrage and dives for JANE's face,
fingernails extended like claws. DARIA scoots forward on the
sofa to get out of harm's way. JANE seizes a sofa pillow to
shield herself from the attack HELEN enters stage left,
gabbing on her cell phone, and the girls break it up fast.
HELEN doesn't seem to notice them.]
HELEN: What, Eric? You don't say! The whole office was out
with the stomach flu last week? So it wasn't just me? Oh!
[pauses] Yes, I'm all better now. You should see me.
[strokes her belly] I must have lost at least five pounds, I
was so sick! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! [pauses] Mm-hmmm. Mm-hmmm. Yes.
Okay. Bye. [clicks off phone] DARIA, dear, I don't know how
you managed to avoid catching that bug with the rest of us.
You must have the constitution of a horse.
DARIA: Yeah. Just call me Secretariat.
HELEN: Oh, yeah--and thanks for those sunflower seeds,
honey. You know, I think that tip about eating them in the
shells really helped.
[HELEN exeunts, stage right. A series of zip pans follows.
QUINN leans over and shoots JANE a dirty look. JANE smiles
and gives her the finger. QUINN makes a jerking threatening
advance. Close-up of JANE's face, eyes narrowed
threateningly. QUINN settles back into her seat and sinks
back in her funk. DARIA smirks. JAKE enters ,stage right,
exuberant.]
JAKE: Hey! How are my two little girls today? [tousles
DARIA's and QUINN's hair violently, mussing it. Neither
changes expression. JAKE stifles a burp with his hand.]
'Scuse me. Those sunflower seed shells are giving the old
man a touch of heartburn--but, man, they work like a dream!
[broad stupid grin] Boy, howdy, I missed you kiddos all
week! You doing all right?
DARIA: Fair to moderate.
QUINN: Lousy.
JAKE [totally oblivious]: Hey-hey, that's great! Glad to
hear it!
QUINN [whining]: Da-aaa-ad! PINKY and I broke up!
JAKE: Huh? Oh! Sorry to hear that, punkin! Aw, I never
really liked that boy anyway! Kinda...short and
pale-looking, and that long hair of his. Looked like a damn
hippie. Oh, don't worry, you'll meet other boys!
DARIA: I have a cockroach in my room who's dying to meet
you. Maybe you'll have better luck with an invertebrate.
QUINN: Da-aaa-ad!
JANE: It's like they say, Mr. M....a man's love is of man's
life a thing apart, but a woman--it's her whole existence.
JAKE: Oh, ye-eeeah. Jefferson, I believe.
HELEN [off-camera]: Lord Byron.
JAKE: Sh[bleep]! [exeunts stage left]
HELEN [off-camera, shocked]: JAKE! Your language!!
[Pan back to full view of QUINN, DARIA, and JANE seated on
the sofa--sulky, deadpan, and indifferent, in that order. No
one speaks for a few moments.]
JANE [breaking the silence]: So...looking forward to getting
back to school?
DARIA: Like a dog looks forward to going to the vet.
JANE: I hear we're getting a new student.
DARIA: You don't say.
JANE: Yep. New girl in town.
DARIA: Any dirt on her?
JANE: Yep. Katie Something-or-other.
DARIA: You didn't get her last name?
JANE: Can't remember it offhand. Something foreign-sounding.
Sounds like...Ka-boom.
DARIA: Katie Ka-boom?
JANE: Yepper.
DARIA: Sounds like a real firecracker.
QUINN: Oh, will you two shut up?
[Zip in for extreme close-up on the three girls, then on
DARIA. Focus in on the round white reflection in her right
glasses lens, then pull back to the sun, shining in a clear
blue sky over Lawndale. Pan down to a sweeping full-screen
view of the town. The streets are clean, the houses are
re-painted, the trees and shrubs are bright green, and
people are driving and milling along in the streets and
enjoying the day. MRS. JOHANSON (the obnoxious hypoglycemic
lady from "Cafe Disaffecto") steps out of her house with a
huge bag of sunflower seeds and plumps down on her porch. A
low flatulent sound is heard. MRS. JOHANSON pours seeds into
her huge hand and shoves them in her cavernous mouth. Zip
pan at top speed through Lawndale, then over the whole
continental U.S. The camera pulls to a stop at a small town
somewhere in the southern part of the country and pans in
for a closer look, going past the burning tire yard, the
railroad tracks, the warehouse district, the gang-filled
streets, the graffiti-covered buildings, and finally outside
the local TV station, JJTV. Pan in to one of the windows and
into a sound studio, where a show is just wrapping up
taping. Pan over the audience. BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD are
sitting next to trailer park tramps LOLITA and TANQUERAY,
chuckling and leering. the girls quickly move away from the
boys. Pan up to TOM ANDERSON, seated next to HANK HILL (of
Fox's "King of the Hill").
ANDERSON: Those boys ain't right, I tell you what.
HILL: You ain't just whistlin' Dixie there, friend.
[Pan on down further. A FEMALE AUDIENCE MEMBER on the bottom
row sets her popcorn down next to her on the seat. BUDDY
pops up from behind her and filches it, making her scream
loudly and fly out of her seat. Pan up to the stage, where
BERKOWITZ is shaking hands with BROKEJAW as the lights dim
and the stagehands move the set pieces around. BROKEJAW
walks downstage and down the stairs; BERKOWITZ slips
backstage. Cut to shot of BERKOWITZ in the wings, standing
in the dark. A low voice suddenly speaks to him.]
VOICE: Congratulations, my friend, You've done excellent
work.
BERKOWITZ: Th-thank you, sir. I'm so glad you were pleased.
VOICE: Pleased? Oh, my dear Mr. BERKOWITZ, I'm ecstatic. My
plan went off without a hitch...and you played your part
well. Expect to find a bonus five or ten hundred in your
post-office box for a job well-done. [Pan down to a
diminutive figure in the shadows, chuckling. It steps into
the light and reveals--SNOWBALL.]
BERKOWITZ: Th-thank you, boss. You're too good to me. Thank
you.
SNOWBALL: Think nothing of it, my boy. You deserve it. You
see, MARCUS, a good scheme is layered like a huge
Machavellian onion. [Pan slowly on SNOWBALL's face as he
speaks. He makes gestures to symbolize peeling an onion.]
The first layer was bugging Acme Labs and listening in on
BRAIN's latest plan to take over the world. Then the second
layer--redirecting the shipments of toilet paper to a
different address to throw BRAIN into a tizzy. The third
layer: a simple search of every computer data base in the
state to turn up the names of two schoolgirls most like
BRAIN and PINKY: one DARIA MORGENDORFFER and one QUINN
MORGENDORFFER. I knew BRAIN would race over there like his
head was on fire and his ass was catching.
BERKOWITZ: To get back the toushie tissue, right, boss?
SNOWBALL [eyebrow raised]: Toushie tissue? [shakes head]
Regardless....the fourth layer: commandeer the package and,
with the addition of a single digit, set things in motion.
It was only a matter of time before love blinded the one and
obsession blinded the other--and betrayal was imminent! Ha!
Ha! Ha! Yes...I let my old friend get ever so close to his
heart's desire, close enough to taste it--to let it consume
him--to let it nearly ruin him--and then--and then-- [deep
breath, grins at BERKOWITZ] You!!
BERKOWITZ: M-me??
SNOWBALL: Yes! You! Hahahahahahahah!! You were a godsend--a
severely deluded unemployed deluded fool spouting half-baked
conspiracy theories...but your mind contained the answer to
the world's diarrhea problem. I couldn't have planned it
better myself. So I recruited you as the most crucial layer
of the onion--its bitter center, its painful conclusion.
Ah...wiggle a bit of cheese before the mouse's nose and then
whisk it away. That, my boy, is the secret to ruling
people! [laughs again]
BERKOWITZ: I don't get it, Mr. S. Why?
SNOWBALL: Why what?
BERKOWITZ: Why do it? Why go through all that? Why not just
steal that BRAIN guy's plan and take over the world
yourself?
SNOWBALL: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Too easy, MARCUS. Too
easy. No. I wanted my old friend to suffer, I wanted
obsession to eat at him...greed to gnaw at his
heart...betrayal to cloud his judgement. In short, dear boy,
I wanted him to become the one thing on earth he despises
most.
BERKOWITS: What's that, Mr. S?
SNOWBALL: Me.
[Snowball grins broadly. Pan in for extreme close-up of
SNOWBALL's face and enter his eyeball. Darkness fills the
screen. Pull back to reveal THE BRAIN's eyeball, then his
face. He is deep in thought. The P&B theme plays,
instrumental, in the BG.]
BRAIN: Stop lollygagging, PINKY, and come on.
[Pan back to a scene of a sidewalk outside a brick building
in Lawndale's shop district. PINKY is dawdling, uncertain,
at some distance behind BRAIN.]
PINKY: Egad, BRAIN, you're speaking to me again. Poit!
BRAIN: Yes. [clears throat] PINKY...[to himself] this is so
hard for me...the words stick in my throat like a cheap soda
cracker... [deep breath]...I wish to apologize for my
abominable conduct as of late. I realize that I've done
something absolutely unforgivable.
PINKY: Um...urinating in the MORGENDORFFER'S shower every
morning?
BRAIN [exasperately]: No, PINKY, I meant-- [eyes widen in
surprise]--w-well, no, that was a necessity. After all, I
was all naked and wet and soaped up and I didn't want to
have to get out of the shower just to-- [comes back to
himself] Never mind. I was referring to my tyrannical
actions when I found myself on the brink of my lifelong
dream. I did the unspeakable--hurt people, toyed with their
emotions, and, worst of all, alienated you, who I luh--luh--
[he can't say it]--tolerate--my one and only friend in the
world. I falsely accused you of going against me to pursue
your own heart, and for that I am sincerely repentant.
[looks pitiful, shuffles feet, hands behind back] Santayana
defined a fanatic as one who redoubles his effort while
losing sight of his goal. And that was my great sin.
PINKY: Oh! That Santy Annie was one smart bird, BRAIN!
BRAIN [sighs]: No, PINKY. George Santayana was a man and a
great philosopher. You are the birdbrain.
[PINKY giggles and "narfs".]
BRAIN: So... [pause] ...am I forgiven?
PINKY [ecstatic]: Egad, BRAIN! Zort!! I do! I forgive you!
[races over and grabs BRAIN in a painful hug, causing his
eyes to bug out and his ribs to crunch]
BRAIN [strangled tone]: Put me down, PINKY, or I will be
forced to throttle you.
PINKY: Oh. Right. Sorry, BRAIN. [puts him down]
BRAIN: I trust, then, my mea culpa was a success.
PINKY: Oh, yes, BRAIN-- [licks lips]-- and you make a right
mean deep-dish lasagna, too. Troz!
BRAIN: I know you have two terms totally confused, my dense
friend--but I'll take accolades wherever I can get them.
PINKY: So--um--poit!--you're not going to cut me loose,
then?
BRAIN [pats PINKY's shoulder]: Ha. Ha. No. Where else would
I find someone with your wonderfully bubbly, unpredictable
personality?
[A thought bubble appears over PINKY's head and shows and
image of QUINN. BRAIN waves a hand through it, and disperses
it in a puff of dust.]
BRAIN: Besides her.
PINKY [sighs]: Will I ever find another bird like 'er,
BRAIN?
BRAIN: Perhaps. This is California, after all. If there is
another equally as bubble-headed, vapid female within a
hundred yards of you, I trust you'll find her.
PINKY: Oh, I 'ope so, BRAIN! Narf!
BRAIN [finger in air]: I believe Dorothy Parker, on first
love, put it best when she said--
[But PINKY has already stopped listening and has focused his
attention on a display of TVs in a window over their heads.
BRAIN turns his attention to them a moment later. The
images on the screens are news footage of the mob looting
Acme Labs and carrying away toilet paper in droves.]
BRAIN [ears drooping, pained voice]: My toushie tissue!
PINKY [confused look] Toushie tissue?
[Cut back to window display as FRED FLOPPEL appears on
screen.]
FLOPPEL: And that was the scene at the local research
facility as looters discovered a hidden cache of toilet
paper in a concrete bunker below Acme Labs. But the question
remains: what disturbed, twisted mind would horde such a
stash of a precious commodity in a respected genetic
research facility?
PINKY: Egad! They're talking about you, BRAIN!
BRAIN: Shut up, PINKY.
[FLOPPEL's image fades out, and a commercial for "Sick Sad
World" airs. An image of a river flooded with a mysterious
purple goo fills the screen.]
SSW ANNOUNCER: Is this river actually making people go
insane?
[A scientist in a white lab coat appears. He looks and
sounds a lot like Kirk Douglas. His eye bulges in and out
like DEMARTINO'S as he stresses syllables.]
SCIENTIST: It appears we have a bio-hazardous contamination
in out MIDST. The substance we got from local water samples
appears to be BERRY juice. [Cut to shot of a
microscope-enhanced image of a purplish liquid.] This stuff
is like nothing I've ever SEEN.
SSW ANNOUNCER: Berry juice that can cause madness in
humans if consumed?
SCIENTIST: Halluci-NA-tions. Irrational Be-HAV-ior. Paranoid
de-LU-sions. If this stuff gets into the reservoir of any
major city or town... [pause, cut to extreme close-up of
SCIENTIST's face, red filter]...we could have something on
our hands that makes mad cow disease look like the freakin'
SNIFFLES.
SSW ANNOUNCER: Tonight on "Sick Sad World"!
BRAIN [looks thoughtful and scratches chin]: Hmmmm...it
seems that the recent torrential rains caused by my shifting
the planet's orbit did more than boost peanut yields. It
likely causes the juice of some hallucinogenic berry to
sluice into the groundwater and tainted the water tables of
the surrounding towns. If we could get a large, untainted
sample of this extract--! [broad grin] Come, PINKY. We must
wait until the heat dies down and then return to the lab to
prepare for tomorrow night.
PINKY [pads along faithfully after]: Why? What're we going
to do tomorrow night?
BRIAN [turning slightly]: The same thing we do every night,
PINKY...[in close-up, shadowed]...try to take over the
world!
[Pan backwards as the boys walk off into the sunset in the
background. A corner newspaper stand in the foreground
boasts a headline reading PSYCHO BERRY MANIA HITS U.S.!
Below: OUTBREAKS OF LUNACY SEEN AS FAR AS HIGHLAND, TX AND
SOUTH PARK, CO. Below, a quote: "FIRST THE HERSHEY SQUIRTS
AND NOW THIS?" The BG SINGERS--Splendora--chime in.]
SINGERS: They're dinky...they're PINKY and THE BRAIN, BRAIN,
BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN, BRAIN.
[Iris out.]
------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 4 [EPILOGUE]
[Iris in to MORGENDORFFER living room, interior. QUINN is
seated on the left side of the sofa, hunched over, sulking.
DARIA is on the right, reading a book and sipping from a can
of soda. The book is entitled, "The Mouse that Roared". Jake
is seated in the chair on the left, casually dressed,
martini in hand. HELEN, also in casual dress, stage left.]
HELEN: DARIA...your sister has been in a blue funk ever
since she broke up with that boy.
DARIA: And that affects me how?
HELEN: Say something to cheer her up, mmm-kay?
DARIA [resigned sigh, puts down book]: Okay. A chicken and
an egg are lying in bed together. The chicken has fallen
asleep. The egg looks over at him and says, "Well, I guess
that answers that question."
QUINN [ponders the joke for a moment, then her eyes widen]:
Eeeww!!
HELEN: DARIA, no one likes a wise-ass.
JAKE [not getting it]: Hmmm...a chicken and an egg in
bed....
HELEN [sighs]: You are so clueless. I'll explain it to you
later, dear.
JAKE: That'd be swell, honey! Thanks!
QUINN [still grossed out]: God, DARIA! Can you be any more
nasty?
DARIA [puckish smile]: I think so. [quickly swigs her soda
and opens her mouth to emit a loud synthesized Great
Wakkarotti belch.]
QUINN [recoils]: Guh-ROSS!!!
HELEN [shocked]: DARIA!!
JAKE [proud]: Way to go, kiddo!
HELEN: JAKE!! Don't encourage her!
JAKE [whining]: But honey--you're always telling me to
encourage our little angels!
HELEN: Not when they're acting like a couple of wild
baboons, JAKE!
[DARIA is trying to suppress a giggle.]
JAKE [defeated, sighs, then mutters to self]: Hmmm...chicken
and an egg...in bed....
[Doorbell rings.]
HELEN: I'll get it! It must be the pizza! [hurries to the
front door, then quickly turns to admonish her daughter] And
you behave yourself, you mannerless little monkey! [DARIA
hides a smile with one hand.]
[HELEN opens the door. The PIZZABOY on the porch is tall and
heavily backlit, completely in shadow. He has large feet and
what appears to be a goatee that flaps as he bobs his head
to and fro. He hands HELEN two pizza boxes.]
HELEN: My, but that was prompt. How much do I owe you?
PIZZABOY [high, clucking voice] Buck-buck-buck-buck-buck-
buck-buck-buck-bacawww!!
HELEN: Eight sixty-five? That's very reasonable.
[The PIZZABOY puts out a large brown hand that rather
resembles a wing. QUINN's eyes get big as saucers. HELEN
lays several crisp bills in the PIZZABOY's palm. Cut to
exterior shot of the house as the PIZZABOY--in reality,
CHICKEN BOO in a pizza boy uniform and cap--steps off the
porch, pauses to peck at the sidewalk, bobs his head to and
fro, and then struts off down the street. We see him from
the back walking off as the BG singers--Splendora--chime
in:]
SINGERS: You wear a disguise to look like human guys, but
you're not a man, you're a chicken, BOO!
[Cut to interior of house. HELEN, balancing the boxes in one
hand, shuts the door with the other. She is grinning from
ear to ear.]
HELEN: You know, that boy was nice-looking and clean-cut.
QUINN, sweetie, maybe you could ask him out.
QUINN [stands bolt upright and points at the door,
shrieking in outrage]: Are you joking? I can't date that
guy!
HELEN: Why not, dear?
QUINN [still outraged]: He--he's a chicken, I tell you! A
giant chicken!!
[DARIA shakes her head in a what-are-we-ever-going-to-do-
with-that-little-girl gesture, her eyes closed.]
[Cut to half-screen, roll credits right. Dissolve to
character morphs left side. END CREDIT MUSIC: "Sad-Eyed Lady
of the Lowlands", Bob Dylan, Blonde on Blonde, 1966.]
------------------------------------------------------------
VOICE CAST:
TRACY GRANDSTAFF as Daria Morgendorffer
WENDY HOOPES as Helen Morgendorffer/Jane Lane/
Quinn Morgendorffer/Hillary Clinton
MAURICE LAMARCHE as Brain/Kirk Douglas Scientist/Daria Belch
ROB PAULSEN as Pinky/Maitre'd/Angry Mob Member # 2
JULIAN REBELLEDO as Jake Morgendorffer
ALSO STARRING:
DAN CASTELLANETA as Mark Berkowitz
LISA COLLINS as Brittany Taylor/Ms. Janet Barch
NORA DUNN as Ms. Angela Li
MIKE JUDGE as Beavis/Butt-Head/Tom Anderson/Hank Hill
RODDY MCDOWELL as Snowball
BEN STEIN as Baboon Documentary Announcer
JONATHAN M. SWEET as Bainks Complex Guard/Dom Brokejaw/
Paid Clinton Assassin/Fred Sanford/Angry Mob Member # 1/
Shrieking Audience Woman
MARC THOMPSON as Kevin Thompson/Mr. Anthony DeMartino/
Mr. Timothy O'Neill
FRANK WELKER as President Bill Clinton/Fred Floppel/
Chicken Boo
------------------------------------------------------------
"Daria" theme music and background singing by Splendora
"Pinky and the Brain" theme music and incidental music by
Richard Stone
------------------------------------------------------------
EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: STEVEN SPEILBERG, GLENN EICHLER,
SUSIE LEWIS LYNN AND DR. BELCH
------------------------------------------------------------
JEJUNUM: THE LAST ELEVEN FEET OR SO OF THE SMALL INTESTINE
------------------------------------------------------------
THE END! NARF! ZORT! POIT! TROZ!
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