Daria
Brittany: What do you think I am - stupid?
Kevin: Wait, are you asking me if I think you're stupid or are you just calling me stupid?
Daria: I guess you can be intellectually gifted and still
be morally bankrupt.
Mr. O'Neill: You know what they say: A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.
Jane: Not if you're diabetic.
Quinn: Daria, do you think long-distance relationships work?
Daria: Yeah, maybe you and I should try one.
Brittany: I love being the hostess. It's so easy to get home at the end of the night.
(about Helen and her sister fighting)
Quinn: Why can't they get along?
Aunt Amy: Environmental issues... they were both exposed to each other as
children.
Brittany: So you're saying that feeling bad, about not feeling worse, is good?
Jane: So you convinced your dad you're not a communist?
Daria: Yeah, I'm showing him how much I love money by hitting him up for it every chance I get.
Quinn: Look, can you please stop talking to me? If the Fashion Club sees this I'll be like one of those baby birds that gets put back in the nest but the mother knows it's been touched by a human and pecks it to death. Understand?
Daria: Sure. You're a birdbrain.
Kevin: Hey, I don't need to follow rules. I'm rebellant.
Daria: Did he say 'repellant'?
Jane: It seems like he should have, doesn't it?
Jane: You know, we are the ones who told him to get a motorcycle.
Daria: Hey, if we told him to drive off a cliff, would he do that too?
Jane: I don't know. We'll have to try that next time.
Mr. O'Neill: Gosh, Anthony, this is marvelous. It's nice to see our students enthusiastic and excited.
Mr. DeMartino: Instead of the way we usually see them, wishing FERVENTLY for our DEATHS!
Ms. Morris: The team needs you, and you need the team... if you don't want to be here taking math again this summer.
Jane: Gee, that almost sounds like blackmail. Fortunately, I can pull up my math grade on my own.
Ms. Morris: Then I'll flunk you.
Jane: Why don't I go to Ms. Li and expose this grade-changing arrangement?
Ms. Morris: She already knows.
Jane: Okay, then, back off or I'll tell the P.T.A.
Ms. Morris: They know, too.
Jane: Congress?
Ms. Morris: You're beaten, Lane.
Jane: Ok, how about if I call the three local TV stations and tell each one that the other two are running the story?
Ms. Morris: Damn.
Dawson's Creek
Dawson: I hate it when movies get too unrealistic. I get a headache. I can't watch.
Joey: Unrealistic? Dawson, your favorite movie is ET!
--found by OnlyHope--
Andie: You mean that you guys would rather watch a movie about something than actually doing it yourselves?
Joey & Dawson: Correct.
Andie: You guys are a bunch of cynics, you know that? I mean, what kind of high school memories will you have if all you did in high school was bitch and moan about everything?
Joey: Bitching memories.
Dawson: Moaning memories.
David: It seems safe to say that when two gay guys go on a date and each of them goes home with a hot blonde girl, something's definitely not working.
Abby: I love that dress. In fact I have the same one, in a smaller size!
[Dawson insults and drives away a film critic]
Oliver: Apologize, kiss her ass, get down on your knees and beg. Just do whatever it takes to get her back here.
Dawson: All right, all right. What are you going to do?
Oliver: I'm gonna go and hit on your ex-girlfriend.
Pacey: Well, you know, it's a new year. Who knows? You and I might even become friends.
Joey: Pacey, I'm upset enough as it is.
Audrey: Uh-oh...I think someone's trying to get your attention!
Pacey: How do you know?
Audrey: Well, she's either trying to get your attention or mine! Which means she's either got really crappy
taste in men...or she's a really smart lesbian!
Dawson: Joey, you're going to have to kiss him.
Joey: I cannot and will not kiss that cretin.
Dawson: It's a movie, you're playing a character. It's not Pacey you're kissing.
Joey: So he's a sea serpent from the deep. What's the difference?
Pacey: (about Charlie) This guy is not even in our social circle. I mean, sure, he circles around it like a
vulture, but he's not actually in the circle.
Jack: Good teachers are just traumatized students trying to erase whatever went wrong with their own high school experience.
Designing Women
Suzanne: Dash, do you ever wonder why we got married?
Dash: No, I know why. I wanted to be a writer and I felt I hadn't suffered enough.
Suzanne: Or why we got divorced?
Dash: I decided I had.
The Drew Carey Show
Drew: If frogs could fly... well, we'd still be in this mess, but wouldn't it be neat?
Drew: I always get screwed by the system. That's my place in the universe. I'm the system's bitch.
Lewis: (about sex) One person's always disappointed. So far, I've been lucky; it's always been the woman.
Kate: Oh, my God! How could you lie on the Bible?
Lewis: Well, it's simple. I'm a single, 41 year-old janitor. What's God gonna do? Take that away from me?
Wick: You're going to have sex for the first time with the woman you loved all of your life. I won't try to put any pressure on you. Not at all. Instead, I'd like to congratulate you... prematurely.
Lewis: You don't know how forgettable we are. I went out on a date with this one woman. She told me about her worst date ever. Little did she know- that date was me.
Kate: I can't believe Oswald has a son.
Drew: I know. I feel bad for the kid. You grow up thinking your dad's Neil Armstrong. Instead, you get Forrest Gump.
Drew: We have to tell Oswald the truth eventually. I mean, we can't just keep distracting him with shiny objects... Ok, we can, but we got to stop doing that.
Drew: You guys really got to go.
Lewis: Wait a minute... Six eggs on the frying pan... That twinkle in your eye... Speedy hiding under the pool table with that haunted look in his eyes... You scored last night, didn't ya?
Oswald: Every time my dad and I got into an argument we made up over a nice cold beer... I think that's one of the reasons the county took me away from him.
Drew: Wow, what a great diet. You lose weight by drinking beer.
Oswald: Hey, I'm on that diet, too. You get drunk, you pass out. You don't eat for two days.
Drew: [about Mimi] I can't take it anymore. She's either in my home, or at my work. I watch "Unsolved Mysteries". People disappear all the time. Why can't she?
Drew: Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
Drew: Violence doesn't solve anything? World War I. World War II. Star Wars. Every Super Bowl. Who says violence doesn't solve anything?
Drew: They always spell my name wrong on my paycheck! Look at what it says: "Drew Fairy". Last week, it was "Screw Carey".
Lewis: Looks like every week is Screw Carey.
E.R.
Romano: I'm beginning to think E.R. stands for Everyone's Retarded.
--found by Crystal--
Everybody Loves Raymond
Ray: All right Ally, you have to do what Mommy says.
Ally: Why?
Ray: `Cause I do.
Ray: When I was a teenager I wanted to write the Great American novel. But then I realized that I didn't even want to read the Great American Novel.
Family Guy
Grandpa left in the middle of a baseball game. Peter is worried.
Peter: I just asked him to buy me some peanuts and crackerjacks.
Brian: I don't care if he ever gets back.
Everyone stares at him.
Brian: I wasn't being cute. I hope he's dead.
Stewie: Oh, this is so good it just has to be fattening!
Peter: I've been watching television so much, the shows are starting to run together!
Announcer on TV: And now, Homicide: Life on Sesame Street!
Bert: (Answering phone) Hello? Son of a bitch. I'm on my way. (Gets out of bed and gets dressed) Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's.
Ernie: Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.
Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the DAMN BED!
Ernie: Bert, you're shouting again, Bert.
Guy 1: It's 3:00. Where the hell is Louie?
Guy 2: Well, you tell me. Louie left his house at 2:15 and had to travel a distance 6.2 miles traveling at a rate of five miles a hour. When will Louie get here?
Guy 1: Depends if he stops to see his ho.
Guy 2: That's what we call a "variable".
Peter: [Riding a circus elephant.] Look Lois, the two symbols of the Republican Party: an elephant and a fat white guy who is threatened by change.
Glen Quagmire: Tuesdays in the '80s I was always in bed by 8... and home by 11.
Family Matters
Urkel: Hi Laura, my little sweet potata! Did you think of me while you guys were camping?
Laura: Yeah, every time I used the bug spray.
Carl: There is a guy on our couch who says I remember him, but I don't remember him.
Harriette: Well, tell him you don't remember him.
Carl: I can't tell him I don't remember him! Because, I already told him I do remember him. So, if I tell him I don't remember him, I'll look like a jerk and I still won't remember him.
Harriette: Well, if he remembers you, he's used to you looking like a jerk.
Family Ties
Alex: Skippy, do you remember when we were little kids and I accidentally ran over you with my bicycle?
Skippy: Yeah.
Alex: I drive a car now.
Mallory: Alex, I told you whenever you take a message to write down who called, when they called, and what it was about.
Alex: I did. Somebody stupid called, sometime today, about something trivial.
Mallory: Alex, you know that could be any one of my friends!
Felicity
Javier: They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." But that's
like saying, "Butter knives don't spread butter on bread, people spread
butter on bread." Of course, that's true, but that doesn't make it a smart
thing to say.
Meghan: What's your problem?
Noel: Wow. Well, um... I don't know where to begin.
Meghan: Hey, if you're actually gonna answer that question, could you not?
Ben: Why didn't you go to more parties in high school?
Felicity: Were you there on Awards day? I didn't exactly win Most Popular.. Oh, god.. oh, god, you did, you actually did win Most Popular.
--submitted by Robert--
Flavor of Love
Saaphyri: (in prayer position) Lord, please forgive me for beating this bitch ass today. No, please forgive me for thinking about beating her ass again, Lord.
H-Town: Is that really necessary?
Saaphyri: Girl, you bettah quit interrupting my prayers before God direct me to whoop your ass.
The 4400
Dr. Max Hudson: If I start to go crazy can you... take care of me? ... In the back of the head!
Diana: You won't even see it coming... Dr. Hudson?
Dr. Max Hudson: I just gave you permission to blow my head off. You can call me Max.
Frasier
Niles: Her lips were saying "no," but her eyes were saying, "read my lips."
Frasier: How can we possibly use sex to get what we want? Sex is what
we want.
Frasier: She's been missing for three days and you're only just panic-stricken now?
Niles: I only just realized it. The last two nights I knocked on Maris'
bedroom door to greet her goodnight, and was greeted with a chilly silence,
so naturally I assumed everything was status quo.
Frasier: Oh, dad, she's not a weirdo. She's just a woman who finds me utterly
fascinating.
Niles: And the distinction would be?
Frasier: There's an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the
Tunneling Electron Microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that by
firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally
minute building block of our universe. If I were using that microscope right
now, I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem.
Frasier: There's nothing you can do when the cold hand of Death comes
knocking on your door...
Knock at door.
Frasier: Would you get that?
Niles: I most certainly will not!
--submitted by Ryan--
(Cheers crossover episode)
Martin: Why don't you come down to Seattle? We'll go to McGinty's and have a beer. It's only a six-hour flight.
Norm: Six hours...sitting there in one place, not moving...it's just not me.
Martin: McGinty's going in for a bypass next month and he's afraid he might not make it out for St. Paddy's Day.
Niles: This is a disaster.
Martin: No, they'll just pop in another pig valve. You know, the only reason he needs it is because he eats so much bacon. So, the same thing that's
killing him is keeping him alive. There's your "O. Henry" story.
Frasier: I hate lawyers.
Niles: Oh, me too, but they make wonderful patients. They have excellent health insurance, and they never get better.
Marie: Am I crazy or are you breaking up with me?
Frasier: They're not completely unrelated.
Niles: Yes, and I'd love to stay but I... have my therapy group meeting, and last time I was late the compulsive gamblers were betting the
passive aggressives that they couldn't make the over-eaters cry.
Frasier: Niles, I would shave my head for you.
Niles: A gesture that grows less significant with each passing year.
Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
Jazz: Making a baby truly is a blessed event.
Will: Don't you mean "Having a baby"?
Jazz: Trust me on this.
Jazz: I'm starvin'! When do we eat here?
Phillip: We eat here later. You eat here never.
Jazz: [looking Phillip up and down] Looks like *you* eat here *often*!
Phillip: Geoffrey, bring me my tools!
Geoffrey: Do you mean your knife and fork, sir?
Hilary: I'm a career woman! I don't have time to dust and push around that...oh, what do you call that big, loud thing that sucks up everything?
Geoffrey: You call him Daddy.
[Scott is interested in Hilary]
Scott: Is she involved with anyone?
Will: Mostly herself.
Friends
Frank (on how to get pregnant): You could try getting really drunk. It worked for many girls in my high school.
(about Rachel's letter to Ross)
Ross: I fell asleep!
Rachel: You fell asleep?
Ross: It was 5:30 in the morning, and you had rambled on for 18 pages! Front and back! Oh-oh-oh, and by the way,
Y-O-U-apostrophe-R-E means 'you are'. Y-O-U-R means 'your'!
Rachel: You know I can't believe I even thought about getting back together with you! We are soooooooooo over!
Ross: [incoherent whining] FINE BY ME!
Rachel: Oh, oh, and hey-hey-hey, those little spelling tips will come in handy when you're at home on Saturday
nights playing Scrabble with Monica!
Monica: Hey!
Rachel: (to Monica) Sorry! (back to Ross) I just feel bad about all that sleep you're gonna miss wishing you were with me!
Ross: Oh, no-no-no don't you worry about me falling asleep... I STILL HAVE YOUR LETTER!
Rachel: And hey! Just so you know, it's not that common, it doesn't happen to every guy, and it is a big deal!
Chandler: I KNEW IT!!!
Joey has packed an emergency kit with food, Mad-Libs and condoms.
Chandler: Condoms?
Joey: We don't know how long we're gonna be stuck here. We might have to repopulate the world.
Chandler: And condoms are the way to do that?
Ross: I think my marriage might be kind of over.
Phoebe: Oh my god, why?
Ross: Cause Carol's a lesbian, and I'm not... and apparently it's not a mix and match situation.
Joey: Ross, if homo sapiens actually were homo sapiens, is that why they´re extinct?
Ross: Joey, they are people!
Joey: Hey, I´m not judging!
Chandler: I have to warn you, this might make me a better person and that is not the man you're marrying.
Tag: Phoebe. That's a nice name.
Phoebe: You think that's nice, you should hear my phone number.
Chandler: (in head) She loves me more than I love her. What's wrong
with me? Oooh.. don't open that door.
Ross: A no-sex pact? I have one... with every woman in America.
(after she explained seeing him wearing her wedding dress)
Chandler's Dad: It was after the wedding, it's not bad luck.
Chandler's Mom: It's not good luck, either.
Rachel: Okay. Now this is just the first chapter, and I want your absolute
honest opinion. Oh, oh, and on page two, he's not 'reaching for her heaving
beasts'.
Monica: What's a 'niffle'?
Joey: You usually find them on the 'heaving beasts'.
Rachel: Alright, alright, so I'm not a great typist...
Ross: Wait, did you get to the part about his 'huge throbbing pens'? Tell
ya, you don't wanna be around when he starts writing with those!
--submitted by Bijal--
Chandler: Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an
opening act, y'know? I mean it's like the stand-up comedian
you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.
Ross: Yeah, and-and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's
that-that... that's not why we bought the ticket.
Chandler: The problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter
how great the show was, you girls are always looking for
the comedian again, y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're
fighting traffic... basically just trying to stay awake.
Rachel: Yeah, well, word of advice: Bring back the comedian.
Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at
home, listening to that album alone.
Joey: (pauses) Are we still talking about sex?
--submitted by Tams--
Joey: Ooh-ooh, I! I am thankful for this beautiful fall we've been having.
Monica: That's very nice.
Chandler: That's sweet, Joey.
Joey: Yeah, the other day I was at the bus-stop and this lovely fall
breeze came in out of nowhere and blew this chick's skirt right up. Oh!
Which reminds me, I'm also thankful for thongs.
--submitted by Tams--
(discussing if Monica should date her ex-boyfriend's son)
Phoebe: Do you really want to be a in a relationship where you can
actually use the phrase: "That's not how your father used to do it"?
--submitted by Ryan--
Ross: Hey, y'know, Mon, if things work out between you and Richard’s son,
you’d be able to tell your kids, that you slept with their grandfather.
Monica: Fine! Judge all you want to but, (points to Ross) married a lesbian,
(points to Rachel) left a man at the altar, (points to Phoebe) fell in love
with a gay ice dancer, (points to Joey) threw a girl’s wooden leg in a fire,
(points to Chandler) livin’ in a box!
--submitted by AliCat--
Phoebe: I will find a selfless good deed! 'Cause I just gave birth to three
children and I will not let them be raised in a world where Joey is right!
--submitted by AliCat--
Ross: WE WERE ON A BREAK!
Chandler: Oh my God! If you say that one more time, I’m gonna break
up with you!
--submitted by AliCat--
Chandler: (in deep voice) Men are here.
Joey: We make fire. Cook meat.
Chandler: Then put out fire by peeing, no get invited back.
--submitted by Ali--
Phoebe: Ok, let's try some aversion therapy. Look at the picture.
Phoebe hits Rachel in the head.
Phoebe: Well?
Rachel: Well, I like YOU less!
--submitted by Ryan--
Chandler: The Bings have horrible marriages! They yell. They fight. And they use the pool boy as a pawn in their sexual games!
Ross: Chandler, have you ever put on a black cocktail dress and asked me up to your hotel room?
Chandler: No.
Ross: Then you are neither of your parents!
Phoebe: They have a liking problem with you... in that they don't.
Frank Jr: You know, I would storm out of here right now... if I had some money... or a place to go.
Monica : It's not a date; it's just two people going out to dinner and not having sex.
Chandler : Sounds like a date to me.
Joey: Do you remember the days when your mom would drop you off at the movies with a jar of jam and a little spoon?
Rachel: You're so pretty.
(regarding Chandler's smoking)
Phoebe : I can't believe you, you've been so good for three years!
Chandler : And this is my reward!
Ross : Hold on just a second, think about what you went through the last time you quit.
Chandler : Ok! So this time I won't quit!
Rachel : (reading the program) Ooh! Look! Look! Look! Look, there's Joey's picture! This is so exciting!
Chandler : You can always spot someone who's never seen one of his plays before. Notice, no fear, no sense of impending doom.
Chandler : You don't think that makes me seem a little...
Ross : ...desperate, needy, pathetic?
Chandler : Ah, you obviously saw my personal ad.
Joey : How young is Young Ethan?
Monica : He's our age.
Chandler : When we were...?
Ross: I don't know what I'm gonna do. What am I gonna do? I mean, this, this is like a complete nightmare!
Chandler: Oh, I know, this must be so hard. "Oh no, two women love me! They're both gorgeous and sexy! My wallet's too small for my fifties and my diamond shoes are too tight!"
Rachel: (about Ross' new baby) I can't believe one of us has one of these.
Chandler: I know. I still am one of these.
Ross: I believe the word you're looking for is... Anyway
Phoebe: No, Mr. Heckles, we're not making any noise.
Mr. Heckles: You're disturbing my oboe practice.
Phoebe: You don't even play the oboe!
Mr. Heckles: I could play the oboe.
Phoebe: Well, then I'll have to ask you to keep it down!
(Ross is newly divorced from his lesbian wife.)
Ross: You know what the scariest part is? What if there's only one woman for everybody, you know? I mean, what if you get one woman, and that's it? Unfortunately, in my case, it was only one woman for her.
Joey: What are you talking about? One woman? That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you. Let me tell you something, Ross. There's lots of flavors out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing! Cherry Vanilla. You could get them with jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream! This is the best thing that ever happened to you! You got married, you were, what, eight? Welcome back to the world! Grab a spoon!
Ross: I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny.
Chandler: Stay out of my freezer!
Ross: You never read Lord of the Rings in high school?
Joey: No, I had sex in high school.
Phoebe: They thought that they could mess with us? They're trying to mess with us? They don't know that we know they know we know! And Joey, you can't say anything.
Joey: Couldn't if I wanted to!
Joey: It's a moo point.
Rachel: What?
Joey: You know, it's like a cow's opinion. It doesn't matter. It's moo.
Rachel: Have I been living with him too long or did that just all make sense?
Phoebe: Do you know anything about chicks?
Chandler: Fowl? No. Women? No.
Chandler: If I turn into my parents, I'll either end up an overage blonde chasing after 20-year-old boys... or I'll end up like my mom.
Chandler: There's a tape here with Monica's name on it!
Joey: Ooh, a tape with a girl's name on it. Probably a sex tape! [thinks] Wait a minute! This says, "Monica." [thinks more] And this is Richard's apartment... [still trying to put it all together]
Chandler: Get there faster!
Monica: I'm Rachel! I love Ross! I hate Ross! I love Ross! I hate Ross!
Rachel: I'm Monica! I can't get a boyfriend so I'll stumble across the hall and sleep with the first guy I find there!
Phoebe: I just went to my old apartment to get you the cookie recipe and that stupid fire burned it up.
Monica: No! Why didn't you make a copy and keep in a fireproof box and keep it at least 100 yards away from the original!
Phoebe: Because I'm normal.
Monica: Hey. Where's Joey?
Chandler: Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong?
Joey: I'm not gonna go commando in another man's fatigues!
Joey: Oh, yeah. Go for it man, jump off the high dive, stare down the barrel of the gun, pee into the wind!
Chandler: Yeah, Joe, I assure you if I'm staring down the barrel of a gun, I'm pretty much peeing every which way.
Joey: What the hell does a paleontologist need a beeper for?
Monica: Is it like for dinosaur emergencies? "Help, come quick, they're still extinct!"
--submitted by Natasha
[The Friends attend a lesbian wedding]
Joey: All these women, and nothin'.
Chandler: Now you know how I feel. The world is my lesbian wedding.
The George Lopez Show
George: Seems like just yesterday you were my little girl on the tricycle. Now you're
gonna be a young woman in a car, running over a little girl on the tricycle.
Golden Girls
Blanche: I am abhorred.
Sophia: We know what you are, Blanche. I'm glad to finally hear you admit it.
Blanche: Sophia, I said abhorred.
Sophia: Abhorred, a slut, a tramp. It's all the same
Rose: Can I ask a dumb question?
Dorothy: Like no one else.
Sophia: Do you know why I call you pussycat?
Dorothy: Why, because I cough out hairballs? Because I can use my whiskers to feel around at night? Because I would get burned along with witches in the olden days?
Sophia: No, I call you pussycat because I love pussycats and I love you.
Dorothy: Aww, Ma...
Sophia: And you were the best ratcatcher I'd ever seen.
Blanche: What do you think of my new dress? Is it me?
Sophia: It's too tight, it's too short and shows too much cleavage for a woman your age.
Dorothy: Yes, Blanche. It's you.
Herman's Head
Herman: Jay, there are certain occasions when it's better not to think about having sex with someone.
Jay: Sure there are. Family reunions.
Jay: Whenever I meet a girl's father, it's always the same story. First, he offers me money not to see her.
Herman: Yeah? Then what happens?
Jay: I take the money.
How I Met Your Mother
Ted: (on the phone) Oh hey, where are you guys?
Barney: We're at a fundraiser, helping young women raise money for community college.
Ted: Strip club. Nice.
Robin: You have a brother?
Barney: Yeah. He's the awesomest, most best looking-est greatest guy ever!
Lily: (to Robin) He's exactly like Barney.
Barney: That's what I just said.
Barney: Oh man I'm so excited you're here. It has been forever since I've been around anyone even remotely fun. (turning to his
friends) Er, yes offense.
Barney: Relationships are like a freeway...Freeways have exits. So do relationships. The first exit, my personal favorite, is six
hours in. You meet, you talk, you have sex, you exit when she's in the shower.
Robin: So every girl you have sex with feels the immediate need to shower? Actually, yeah I get that.
Ted: You're scared of the Seven Dwarves?
Robin: Just Doc. He's creepy. I mean, the guy went to medical school. What's he doing living with six coal miners?
Robin: Well at least you apologized ... You apologized, didn't you?
Ted: Oh yeah, "I'm sorry" were the first words out of my mouth
[Flashback]
Ted: I'm sorry but I'm not apologizing.
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Dennis: I hate listening to people's dreams. It's like flipping through a stack of photographs. If I'm not in any of them and
nobody's having sex, I just don't care.
Mac: Why do these people like you guys so much?
Charlie: Well dude, it's not that they like us, it's that they don't like you. You know why? Uhh... because you're an asshole!
[at an abortion rally]
Dennis: I think all these chicks are gay.
Dee: Yeah, I don't know that they're gay, I think they can just smell how disgusting you are.
Dennis: Pff...sucks for me.
Frank: We have to convince this guy that we're a legitimate threat to his campaign. There is nothing more threatening to a man
than a woman who is smart and attractive. We have to pretend you're both.
Dee: Wow - you're a horrible father.
Mac: I will tell you what is ridiculous - taking advantage of the mother of God.
Charlie: Are you kidding me? That is a water stain, man.
Mac: Man, we are really pushing our luck with the big guy upstairs with this one.
Charlie: Dude, if you don't think you're going to hell, you need to take a long look at yourself.
Mac: What if it's a miracle?
Frank: It could be a miracle. It could be bullshit. There's only one thing we know for sure.
Charlie: What's that?
Frank: It's a goddamn gold mine.
Charlie: Here's a confession: I'm in love with a man. What? I'm in love with a man... a man named God. Does that make me gay? Am
I gay for God? You betcha.
Mac: Carmen, you got the most amazing body. Are you bulimic or what?
Frank: I did not go to Vietnam and watch a lot of good men die just for scum like you to take away my freedom!
Dee: You went to Vietnam in 1993... to open up a sweatshop!
Frank: ...and a lot of good men died in that sweatshop!
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Last Updated: February 15, 2009