Ace Ventura: Pet Detective Submissions and feedback are welcome. Send them to firstname.lastname@example.org Last Updated: October 1, 2008
Ace: If I'm not back in five minutes... wait longer.
Lois: How would you like it if I made your life a living hell?
Ace: Well, Lois, I'm not quite ready for a relationship right now but maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number still 911?
--submitted by LaurR15--
Ace: We're talking paranoid delusional psychosis. I saw the guy's room. Cozy... if you're Hannibal Lecter.
Ace: I'm in Psychoville and Finkle's the mayor.
The Addams Family
Pugsley: We're not shy!
Wednesday: We're contagious.
Girl Scout: (approaching lemonade stand) Is this made from real lemons?
Girl Scout: I only like all-natural foods and beverages, organically grown, with no preservatives. Are you sure they're real lemons?
Girl Scout: I'll tell you what. I'll buy a cup if you buy a box of my delicious Girl Scout cookies. Do we have a deal?
Wednesday: Are they made from real Girl Scouts?
Wednesday: (hooking up an electric chair) Pugsley, sit in the chair.
Wednesday: Because we're going to play a game.
Pugsley: What game?
Wednesday: (strapping him in) It's called, "Is There a God?"
Addams Family Values
Debbie: Would you die for me?
(handling a new member of the family)
Debbie: I bet you sometimes wish it was just the two of you.
Wednesday: (staring at Pugsley) Or less.
(About that girl popping out of the cake at a bachelor party...)
Gomez (looking at Lurch): Was she in there before you baked it?
Debbie: What a lady killer!
Amanda: (regarding lifesaving drill) I'll be the victim.
Wednesday: All your life
Gomez: Children, why do you hate the baby?
Pugsley: We don't hate him. We just wanna play with him.
Wednesday: Especially his head.
Gomez: (to Fester) You'll meet someone. Someone very special. Someone who won't press charges.
Young Girl: ... and then Mommy kissed Daddy, and the angel told the stork, and the stork flew down from heaven, and put the diamond in the cabbage patch, and the diamond turned into a baby!
Pugsley: Our parents are having a baby too.
Wednesday: They had sex.
Amanda: Why are you dressed like somebody died?
Debbie: But with your looks, your charm... Women must follow you everywhere.
Fester: Store detectives!
Elaine: There's no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
McCroskey: Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.
Doctor: Captain, how long before we land?
Captain: I can't tell.
Doctor: You can tell me, I'm a doctor.
Captain: No no. I mean, I don't know how long it's gonna be until we land.
Doctor: Well, can't you take a guess?
Captain: Not for another two hours.
Doctor: You can't take a guess for another two hours?
Captain: No, I can't land the plane for another two hours!
Airplane II: The Sequel
Oveur: Dunn... Gentlemen, let's get to work.
Curtz: Unger, didn't you serve under Oveur in the Air Force?
Unger: Not directly. Technically Dunn was under Oveur and I was under Dunn.
Dunn : Yep.
Curtz: So, Dunn, you were under Oveur and over Dunn?
Dunn : Yep.
Oveur: Yes, that's right. Dunn was over Unger and I was over Dunn.
Unger: So you see both Dunn and I were under Oveur even though I was under Dunn.
Oveur: Dunn was over Unger and I was over Dunn.
Hudson: Hey, maybe you haven't been keeping up on current events, but we just got our asses kicked pal!
--submitted by Deadiamtheone88--
Stifler's Mom: Aged 18 years, just how I like them.
Oz: (on being sensitive) You ask them questions, and listen to what they have to say and shit.
Stifler: I dunno, man, that sounds like a lot of work.
Jim: (waking up in bed, alone) She's gone! Oh my God, she used me. I was used. (grins) I was used! Cool!
American Pie 2
Stifler: Why don't you get yourself a spoon, so you can eat my ass.
Michelle: You've gotta preheat the oven before you stick in the turkey!
Jim's Dad: Why do you think they call it making love?
Michelle: I just call it boning.
Michelle: Steven Stifler just gave flowers to a girl and meant it? It's like watching monkeys use tools for the first time!
Finch: Grandmother fucker.
Stifler: You're a motherfucker.
Finch: (proudly) Yes I am!
Spaulding: [to two ladies] Let's get married!
Mrs. Rittenhouse: The three of us? Why that's bigamy!
Spaulding: Yes! And it's big of me, too!
Spaudling: You're one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen and that's not saying much for you.
Girl: ..and we can get married and divorced in no time.
Spaudling: My retirement will be the greatest contribution to science.
Spaulding: Would you mind going out and crossing the boulevard when the lights are against you?
Spaulding: You know, I'd buy you a parachute if I knew it wouldn't open.
Alvy: That's because they don't throw their garbage away. They turn it into television shows.
Z: I think everything must go back to the fact I had a very anxious childhood. You know, my mother never had time for me. You know, when you're the middle child in a family of five million, you don't get any attention.
Bala: Help. I've been kidnapped by the village idiot!
Col Kilgore: I love the smell of napalm in the morning. It smells like.. victory.
--submitted by Michael--
AJ: It's all fun and games 'till someone gets shot in the leg.
---submitted by Heather--
Arthur: I'm so rich, I wish I had a dime for every dime I have.
Susan: A real woman could stop you from drinking.
Arthur: It'd have to be a real BIG woman.
Arthur: Hobson, do you know what I'm going to do?
Hobson: No, I don't.
Arthur: I'm going to take a bath.
Hobson: I'll alert the media.
Arthur: What are you doing tomorrow night?
Linda: I don't know...oh, I have plans for tomorrow night. What should I wear?
Hobson: Steal something casual.
As Good As It Gets
Simon: The life that I was trying for is gone, and I'm feeling so damn sorry for myself that it's difficult to breathe.
Carol: Come on in, and try not to ruin everything by being you.
Carol: When you first entered the restaurant, I thought you were handsome... and then, of course, you spoke.
Melvin: Sell crazy someplace else. We're all stocked up here.
--submitted by Julia73330 and Snowdevil27--
Melvin: I'm drowning here and you're describing the water.
Woman: How do you write women so well?
Melvin: I think of a man, then I take away reason, and accountability.
Melvin: Some of us have great stories, pretty stories that take place at lakes, with boats, and friends, and noodle salad. Just no one in this car. But for a lot of people, that's their story. Good times, noodle salad. What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad, but that you're that pissed that so many others had it good.
Melvin: How old are you?
Carol: Oh please...
Melvin: If I had to guess by your eyes. I'd say you were fifty.
Carol: If I had to guess by your eyes. I'd say you were kind.
Melvin: Doctor, how can you diagnose someone with obsessive compulsive disorder and act like I had some choice about barging in here?
Carol: Why can't I have a normal boyfriend? Just a regular boyfriend, one that doesn't go nuts on me!
Carol's Mom: Everybody wants that, dear. It doesn't exist.
Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
Austin: As long as people are still having premarital sex with many anonymous partners while at the same time experimenting with mind-expanding drugs in a consequence free environment, I'll be sound as a pound!
Austin Powers in Goldmember
Nigel Powers: There are only two things I hate: those who are intolerant of other people's cultures...and the Dutch.
Number 2: While you were gone, I devised a way to make millions in legitimate revenue whilst still maintaining the ethos of an evil corporation. We have become a Hollywood talent agency.
Back To The Future
George McFly: I'm your density.
Biff: Why don't you make like a tree and get out of here.
Lorraine's Dad (about Marty): He's an idiot. Comes from upbringing. His parents are probably idiots too. Lorraine, if you ever have a kid that acts that way, I'll disown you.
Back To The Future II
Doc: The time-traveling is just too dangerous. Better that I devote myself to study the other great mystery of the universe: women!
Doc: (in 2015) The justice system moves swiftly now that they've abolished all the lawyers.
Alfred: Why bats, sir?
Bruce Wayne: Bats frighten me. It's time my enemies share my dread.
A: Are you currently on any medication?
Bean: None that I know of.
Lidia(?): They say the normal tend to ignore the strange and unusual. I, myself, am...strange and unusual
--submitted by Gianna--
Big Girls Don't Cry...They Get Even
Laura: (Voiceover) Why torture yourself when life will do it for you. Who said that? I did! Go ahead and quote me.
Laura: (VO) If these are the best years of my life, I must have some serious third degree burns in my future.
Laura: (VO) The problem with my dad is that he's 40, looks like he's 30, talks like he's 20, and acts like he's 10. He's fun to play board games with.
Billy: I always feel like an idiot..but I am an idiot so it kinda works out!
--submitted by DisFUnCTiONal00--
Teacher: Mr. Madison. What you've just said....is one of the most insanely idiotic things I've ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response was there anything that could even be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Billy's Hollywood Screen Kiss
Perry: What do you think of that one?
Billy: Not my type.
Perry: Perfect, eliminates the competition.
Agador: When you going to let me audition for you again?
Armand: When you have talent.
Albert: I was adorable once. Young, and full of hope. Now, look at me. I'm a short, fat, insecure, middle aged thing!
Armand: I made you short?
Albert: Don't use that tone to me.
Armand: What tone?
Albert: That sarcastic contemptuous tone. That means you know everything because you're a man, and I know nothing because I'm a woman.
Armand: You're not a woman.
Albert: Oh, you bastard!
Blades of Glory
Hector: You've gotta start skating again, Jimmy. It's embarrassing stalking a has-been.
Chazz: (after sex addicts meeting) God grant me the serenity not to have sex with my friend's girlfriend, the courage to go home tonight without having sex with my friend's girlfriend and the wisdom to know that masturbation is sometimes the most sensible solution.
Chazz: Look, what happened back there, so not a big deal. Just think of it like a boob handshake between me and your lady's b...
Fairchild: Nothing breaks up a team better than...
Stranz: Herpes! (Fairchild stares him down) Jealousy.
Blast From The Past
Eve: In the first place, I don't fall in love with weirdos I've only known for four or five days.
Troy: Yes, you do.
Eve: And I don't fall in love with grown men who collect baseball cards!
Troy: Uh, yes, you do.
Eve: Or pee in their pants when they see the ocean!
Troy: Yes, you do!
Troy: He thinks that I am a gentleman and that you are a lady!
Eve: Well, consider the source. I don't even know what a lady is.
Troy: Exactly! I thought a gentleman was somebody who owned horses. Turns out, the short and very simple definition of a gentleman or a lady is: someone who always attempts to make the people around him or her feel as comfortable as possible. That's it! If you don't do that, nothing else matters.
George: Life passes most people by while they are making grand plans for it. Throughout my lifetime, I've left pieces of my heart here and there. Now, there's almost not enough to stay alive. But I force a smile, knowing my ambition far exceeded my talent.
Buddy: I've always been one of those people. born salesman, closer, people person.
--submitted by Julia73330--
A Brady Bunch Movie
Mike Brady: Wherever you go, there you are.
Mike Brady: When you tell on someone, you're not only telling on them. You're telling on yourself.
Mike Brady: Cindy, you know by tattling on your friends, you're really just tattling on yourself. By tattling on your friends, you're just telling them that you're a tattletale. Now is that the tale you want to tell?
The Breakfast Club
Bender: Does Barry Manilow know that you raid his wardrobe?
--submitted by Snowdevil27--
Bender: Screws just fall out all the time. The world is an imperfect place.
Vernon: Don't mess with the bull, young man. You'll get the horns.
Vernon: Next time I come in here, I'm cracking skulls.
Vernon: Now, this is the thought that wakes me up in the middle of the night: that when I get older these kids are gonna take care of me.
Carl: I wouldn't count on it.
Bridget Jones' Diary
Bridget: (answering phone)Bridget Jones, wanton sex goddess, with a very bad man between her thighs. ...Mum!
(watching Mark and Daniel fight)
Tom: Whose side are we on?
Shazzer: Mark's of course. He (referring to Daniel) did leave Bridget for a naked American!
Bridget: But he (referring to Mark) did run off with Daniel's fiancee and left him broken-hearted.
Tom: You're right, it's such a tough one to call!
Bridget: Wait a minute... nice boys don't kiss like that.
Darcy: Oh, yes, they fucking do.
Bring It On
Dance instructor: Cheerleaders are dancers gone retarded.
--submitted by AnnieBananie0420--
I'm sexy. I'm cute, I'm popular to boot. I'm bitchin, great hair, the guys all love to stare. I'm wanted, I'm hot I'm everything you're not, I'm pretty, I'm cool, I dominate this school. Who am I, just guess, guys wanna touch my chest, I'm rockin, I smile and many think I'm vile. I'm flyin, I jump, you can look but don't you hump. Woah! I'm major, I roar, I swear I'm not a whore. We cheer and we lead and we act like we're on speed. Hate us cuz we're beautiful, but we don't like you either. We're cheerleaders, we are cheerleaders!
--submitted by Alex & melsa--
A Bug's Life
Hopper: First rule of leadership: everything is your fault.
The Cable Guy
Chip: I learned the facts of life from watching The Facts of Life!
Chip as a kid: When am I gonna get a brother? You said I was going to get a little brother to play with!
Chip's Mom: Yeah, well, that's why mommy has to go to happy hour.
The Calcium Kid
Jimmy: My dad gave me some good advice once; "Speak if you have something to say." I always thought that was pretty clever. [frowns] He probably never thought that I'd be talking to the press, though.
Can't Hardly Wait
Denise: Fate exists. It just works in really fucked up ways.
Preston: Especially in your case.
Stoner Dude: Preston Myers? Well, he's tall, kinda. And he has kinda brown hair....not really brown, and he wears t-shirts...sometimes.
Amanda: So he's tall, kinda, and he has..hair, and wears t-shirts sometimes?
--submitted by Snowdevil27--
Kenny: It says here ninety-two percent of the honeys at UCLA are sexually active. Ninety-two of the women in Los Angeles at UCLA walking around going, "Class or sex? What shall I do?" Ninety-two percent, yo! Hey, you know what that means?
Kenny's friend: What?
Kenny: It means I gots a ninety-two percent chance of embarrassing myself. I roll up on that shorty, be like, "What's up yo?" she be like, "You don't know 20 different ways to make me call you Big Poppa" cuz I don't yo.
McQueen: (muttering to himself) Turn right to go left. Guess what? I tried it. You know what...this crazy thing happened...I went right.
Lizzie: You keep talking to yourself, people will think you're crazy.
McQueen: Thanks for the tip.
Lizzie: What? I wasn't talking to you.
Catch and Release
Gray: I think catch and release fisherman are heartless weenies. I think putting a fish through agony for nothing more than your own entertainment is just plain cruel. I think if you're going to torture a living thing... if you're going to make it look into the eyes of its maker and face its own puny little place in the universe, then, for God's sake, have the decency to eat it!
Chairman of the Board
Bradford: Hold on, didn't you just tell us that this is the greatest thing sense individually wrapped cheese slices?
Edison: I would never ever dare compare it to individually wrapped cheese slices! I mean come on , we all know there's nothing better or tastier than that. Bradford, hello! Scrumdillyisious! Cheese slices!
--submitted by Julia73330--
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Willy Wonka: Everything here is edible. I'm edible, but that my children is called cannibalism and it is frowned upon in most societies.
Hooper : So where's your better half?
Banky : Taking a piss. Guy's got a bladder like an infant.
Hooper : That's funny - he says you're hung like an infant.
Banky : Must his mother tell him everything?
Banky: Man, I feel a hate crime coming on.
--submitted by Jill--
Banky: (to Alyssa) Since you like chicks, right...do you just look at yourself naked in the mirror all the time?
Jay: So why the long face, Horse? Banky on the rag?
Holden: I'm just having some girl troubles.
Jay: Bitch pressing charges? I get that a lot.
Banky: All right, now see this? This is a four-way road, ok? And dead in the center, is a crisp, new hundred-dollar bill. Now at the end of each of these streets are four people, ok, you following?
Banky: Good. Over here, we have a male-affectionate, easy-to-get-along-with, non-agenda lesbian. Down here, we have a man-hating, angry as fuck, agenda-of-rage, bitter dyke. Over here we got Santa Claus, and up here the Easter Bunny. Which one of these people is going to get to the hundred-dollar bill first?
Holden: What is this supposed to prove?
Banky: No, really, this is a serious exercise. It's like an SAT question. Which one is going to get to the hundred-dollar bill first? The male-friendly lesbian, the man-hating dyke, Santa Claus, or the Easter bunny?
Holden: The man-hating dyke.
Banky: Good. Why?
Holden: I don't know.
Banky: Because the other three are (yelling) figments of your fucking imagination!
Holden: If this is a crush, I don't think I could take it if the real thing ever happens.
Jay: (to Holden after Silent Bob's speech) What do you look so shocked for? He does this all the time. Fat bastard thinks just because he never says anything, that itíll have some huge impact when he does open his fucking mouth.
Silent Bob: Why donít you shut up? Jesus! Always yap, yap, yapping all the time. Give me a fucking headache.
Hooper: Jedi's the most insulting installment, because Vader's beautiful, black visage is sullied when he pulls off his mask to reveal a feeble, crusty white man! They're trying to tell us that, deep inside, we all want to be white!
Alyssa: Good or bad, they were my choices and I'm not making apologies for them now. Not to you or anybody!
Alyssa: Since most of these people are cheering for the home team, I'm going to root for the visitors. I'm a big visitors fan. Especially the kind that make coffee in the morning before they leave!
Babs: I don't want to be a pie!! I don't like gravy.
Babs: Me life flashed before me eyes . It was really boring.
Mr. Tweedy: (being attacked by chickens) The chickens are revolting!
Mrs. Tweedy: (unaware of what's happening) At last, we agree on something!
Babs: Morning, Ginger. Back from holiday?
Ginger: I wasn't on holiday, Babs. I was in solitary confinement.
Babs: Aww... it's nice to get some time to yourself, isn't it?
Dante: You hate people!
Randal: Yet I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic?
Randal: This job would be great if it wasn't for the customers.
Randal: I'm a firm believer in the philosophy of a ruling class. Especially since I rule.
Randal: She'll get over fucking a dead guy. My mom's been fucking a dead guy for thirty years. I call him dad.
Guy: You selling?
Jay: I got hits, hash, weed, and later on I'll have 'shrooms. We take cash, or stolen Mastercard and Visa.
Veronica: You men make me sick. You'll sleep with anything that says yes.
Dante: Animal, vegetable or mineral.
Veronica: Vegetable meaning paraplegic.
Dante: They put up the least amount of struggle!
Randal: You know who I could do without? I could do without the people in the video store.
Dante: Which ones?
Randal: All of them.
Emma: It must be nice having a job with so much downtime.
Randal: Downtime's important. If I had to deal with the fucking mouthbreathers all day, I'd dip my head in the deep-fryer.
Randal: You can't get a chick, ya mook. You're too weird and sad.
Elias: [gets angry] I turn down chicks left and right.
Randal: Your chicks are your "left" and "right".
Janine: [after Donna kisses Michael] Oh my God. I want that so bad. A husband that I can kiss and love and give juice to.
Michael: You've already cheated on three different husbands with their brothers. I think you've given enough juice to everybody. Love juice.
Janine: You know way too much about me. I should've never done that Montel Williams show.
Michael: Even Montel Williams thinks you're crazy and he's seen a lot of shit.
Janine: I was desperate for companionship! All of my husbands... All of them have emotionally abandoned me.
Michael: They went to work. You had sex with their unemployed brothers. You're a horndog.
Mrs. White: Life after death is as improbable as sex after marriage.
Wadsworth: Professor Plum, you were once a professor of psychiatry specializing in helping paranoid and homicidal lunatics suffering from delusions of grandeur.
Prof. Plum: Yes, but now I work for the United Nations.
Wadsworth: Well, your work has not changed.
Col. Mustard: How many husbands have you had?
Mrs. White: Mine or other women's?
Wadsworth: But he was your second husband. Your first husband also disappeared.
Mrs. White: But that was his job, he was an illusionist.
Wadsworth: But he never reappeared!
Mrs. White: He wasn't a very good illusionist.
Mrs. White: Are you a cop?
Mr. Green: No, I'm a plant.
Miss Scarlet: A plant? I thought men like you were usually called a fruit.
Mrs. White: It's a matter of life after death. Now that he's dead, I have a life.
Mrs. White: We had had a very humiliating public confrontation, he was deranged... lunatic. He didn't actually seem to like me very much, he had threatened to kill me in public.
Miss Scarlet: Why would he want to kill you in public?
Wadsworth: I think she meant he threatened, in public, to kill her.
Miss Scarlet: Oh. And was that his final word on the matter?
Mrs. White: Being killed is pretty final, wouldn't you say?
Wadsworth: And, to make a long story short...
All: Too late.
Ms. Peacock: So, what does your husband do?
Mrs. White: Nothing.
Ms. Peacock: Nothing?
Mrs. White: Well, he... just... lies around on his back all day.
Miss Scarlet: Sounds like hard work to me.
Wadsworth: I was in the hall. I know, because I was there.
Col. Mustard: How did you know that?
Wadsworth: Can you keep a secret?
Col. Mustard: (leaning in) Yes.
Wadsworth: So can I.
Col. Mustard: You lure men to their deaths, like a spider with flies!
Miss White: Flies are where men are most vulnerable.
Mr. Green: If he was such a patriotic American, why didn't he just report us to the authorities?
Wadsworth: He decided to put his information to good use and make a little money out of it. What could be more American than that?
Cher: I want to do something for humanity.
Josh: How about sterilization?
Dad: Don't tell me those brain-dead lowlifes are calling again!
Cher: They are your parents.
Cher: Searching for love in high school is like searching for meaning in a Pauly Shore movie.
--submitted by Jillian & Amanda--
Cher: Miss Stoeger, I would just like to say that physical education in this school is a disgrace. I mean, standing in line for forty minutes is hardly aerobically effective. I doubt I've worked off the calories in a stick of Carefree gum.
Cher: Sometimes you have to show a little skin. This reminds boys of being naked, and then they think of sex!
Cher: Anything you can do to draw attention to your mouth is good.
Cher: Would you say I'm selfish?
Dionne: No, not to your face.
Amber: Ms. Stoeger, my plastic surgeon doesn't want me doing any activity where balls fly at my nose.
Dionne: Well, there goes your social life.
Travis: Tardiness is not something you can do on your own. Many, many people contributed to my tardiness. I would like to thank my parents for never giving me a ride to school, the LA city bus driver who took a chance on an unknown kid and last but not least, the wonderful crew from McDonalds who spend hours making those Egg McMuffins without which I'd never be tardy.
Cher: Daddy's a litigator. Those are the scariest kinds of lawyers. Even Lucy, our maid, is terrified of him. He's so good he gets paid five hundred dollars an hour just to fight with people, but he fights with me for free 'cause I'm his daughter.
Mel: So, Josh, have you given any thought to our little discussion about Corporate Law?
Josh: Yeah, you know, but I think I'd really like to check out Environmental Law.
Mel: What for? Do you want to have a miserable, frustrating life?
Cher: Oh, Josh will have that no matter what he does.
Dionne: You're too good for him.
Tai: If I'm too good for him then how come I'm not with him?
Cher: Do you prefer fashion victim or ensembly challenged?
Cher: Hey! That's Beavis and Butthead. They are way existential.
Josh: Do you have any idea what you're talking about?
Cher: No. Why, do I sound like I do?
(checking out guys)
Cher: Survey says?
Dionne: Ehh, I like em big.
Cher: Ew, I hate muscles.
Tai: Yeah, well I don't really care either way, just as long as his you-know-what isn't crooked. I really hate that!
Tai: Cher, you're a virgin?
Dionne: The PC term is hymenally challenged.
Cher: I just want to be absolutely sure! I mean, you see how picky I am about my shoes and they only go on my feet!
--submitted by Robert--
Amber: Hello?! Was I the only one listening? I mean, I thought it reeked!
Cher: I believe that was your designer imposter perfume.
Murray: Woman, lend me five dollars.
Dionne: I've asked you repeated times not to call me 'woman'.
Murray: Excuse me, Miss Dionne. But street slang is an increasingly valid form of self expression. Most of the feminine pronouns have mocking, but not necessarily misogynistic undertones.
Cher: Until mankind is peaceful enough not to have violence on the news, there's no point in taking it out of shows that need it for entertainment value!
Cher: (about Josh) He needs someone to take care of him and laugh at his jokes. In case he ever makes any.
Josh: If I ever saw you do anything that wasn't 90 percent selfish, I'd die of shock.
Cher: Oh, that'd be reason enough for me.
Neighbor: All men are pigs!
Prymaat: Ah, pigs: an omnivorous, domesticated, cloven hoof vertebrate that defecates the same place it consumes.
Beldar: If I did not fear incarceration from human authority figures, I would terminate your life functions by applying sufficient pressure to your blunt skull so as to force its collapse!
Man: You girls watch out for those weirdos.
Nancy: We are the weirdos, mister.
--submitted by Deadiamtheone88--
Anthony: Look around! You couldn't find a whiter, safer or better lit part of this city. But this white woman sees two black guys, who look like UCLA students, strolling down the sidewalk and her reaction is blind fear. I mean, look at us! Are we dressed like gangbangers? Do we look threatening? No. Fact, if anybody should be scared, it's us: the only two black faces surrounded by a sea of over-caffeinated white people, patrolled by the trigger-happy LAPD. So, why aren't we scared?
Peter: Because we have guns?
Anthony: You could be right.
Anthony: That waitress sized us up in two seconds. We're black and black people don't tip. So she wasn't gonna waste her time. Now somebody like that? Nothing you can do to change their mind.
Peter: So, uh... how much did you leave?
Anthony: You expect me to pay for that kind of service?
Crimes and Misdemeanors
My husband and I fell in love at first sight.... Maybe I should have taken a second look.
--submitted by Jeri--
Albrecht: You move and you're dead.
Eric: And I say I'm dead, and I move.
--submitted by Deadiamtheone88--
Sebastian: You know you're destroying an innocent girl's life?
Kathryn: I'm aware.
---submitted by Heather
Kathryn: I'm the Marsha Fucking Brady of the Upper East Side and some times I want to kill myself.
--submitted by JustLikeSMG--
Sebastian:...and then I fucked your daughter.
Mrs. Sugarman: What?
Sebastian: I said, would you care for some water?
--submitted by Sweetiepea33--
Cruel Intentions 3
Cassidy: The only problem with fucking with someone as twisted as you... is that you're fucking with someone as twisted as you.
D3: The Mighty Ducks
Kenny: Hey Russ, you gotta teach me to talk some trash man!
Russ: It can't be taught, Kenny-man, you just gotta do it. Go ahead, try it.
Kenny: Hey ref...
Russ (covering Kenny's mouth): Shh. Pick another target.
Kenny (standing up): Hey #9, bite me!
(#9 pushes him and he falls behind the bench)
Russ (laughing): Now we're getting somewhere.
--submitted by Snowdevil27--
Dazed and Confused
Wooderson: That's what I like about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age.
Wooderson: You got a joint on you, man?
Mitch: Uh, no man, not on me.
Wooderson: It'd be a lot cooler if you did.
--submitted by Snowdevil27--
Dead Man on Campus
-- Bill Gates wants my brain. --
Cliff: How come whenever I'm on fire, I remember to stop, drop, and roll?
--submitted by Silver888--
Cooper: You can't sing show tunes and be depressed!
Cliff: I live in a frat house, right? And these fuckers wanna kick me out for not observing quiet hours! (shouting) Well, they can SUCK my QUIET COCK!
Death To Smoochy
Cop: Are you OK?
Rainbow Randolph: I don't know. I am kinda fucked-up in general so it is hard to gauge.
Smoochy: So you see, kids, a stepfather is just like a new puppy. He needs love and care. Remember though, if your stepdad is ever abusive towards YOU or MOMMY, what's the magic numbers?
Smoochy: Thaaaaaaat's right!
Harry: May God strike me dead if I'm lying.
(Kirstie Alley): You're an atheist.
Harry: What? You have air conditioning in Hell?
Devil: Sure! Fucks up the ozone layer!
Dennis the Menace
Mr. Wilson: Why is it, when everyone feasts on the pleasures of life, I get the indigestion?
Mrs. Wilson: You lied to a toddler, George. (Mr. Wilson chuckles) Well, think how disappointed he's gonna be when he gets home.
Mr. Wilson: Well, he'd better get used to it. Disappointment's gonna be a big part of his life. He's a foot short for his age and he's cross-eyed.
Betsy: You're the smartest person I know.
Arlene: But you don't know anybody!
Arlene: Why were all those men shredding papers in that room?
Richard Nixon: Uh, paper mache is a hobby of mine.
Richard Nixon: Shut up Checkers, or I'll feed you to the Chinese!
Baby: Nobody puts Baby in a corner.
--submitted by Kristi--
Rufus: You know what the dead do with most of their time? They watch the living. Especially in the shower.
Jay: I can't wait to die.
Bartleby: You can't be anal retentive if you don't have an anus.
---submitted by FlaKyMe004
Loki: Instead we'll do the next best thing.
Bartleby: What's that?
Loki: We'll kill people.
Lady almost spits up her coffee
Loki: No, not you.
--submitted by Dgnrate13--
Jay: Let's get making with the love.
Jay: It's a nice way of saying 'Let's bone'.
--submitted by Snowdevil27--
Loki: All I'm trying to say is, I think one of us needs a little nap.
--submitted by Julia73330--
Bethany: Sex is a joke in heaven?
Metatron: The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down here, too.
Bartleby: You know, here's what I don't get about you. You know for a fact that there is a God. You have been in his presence. He's spoken to you personally, and yet I just heard you claim to be an atheist.
Loki: I just like to fuck with the clergy, man. I just love it. I just love to keep those guys on their toes.
Serendipity: I'm responsible for nineteen of the twenty top-grossing films of all time.
Serendipity: The one about the kid, by himself in his house, burglars trying to get in and he fights them off? I had nothing to do with that one. Somebody sold their soul to Satan to get the grosses up on that piece of shit.
Cardinal Glick: Fill them pews, people, that's the key. Grab the little ones as well. Hook 'em while they're young.
Rufus: Kind of like the tobacco industry?
Cardinal Glick: Oh, if only we had their numbers.
Bartleby: Work? What work? You lit a few fires.
Loki: Hey fuck you, I rained down sulfur. Raining down sulfur is like an endurance trial. Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity anyone can take part in.... next to soccer.
--submitted by Kristin--
Dude, Where's My Car?
Jesse: Have you seen my car?
Jesse: You have?
Christie: Well, I saw the backseat.
Jesse: No, I'm talking about the whole thing.
Dumb & Dumber
Lloyd: What's the soup du jour?
Waiter: It's the soup of the day.
Lloyd: Mmm, that does sound good.
Harry: She wrote me a dear-john letter...something about me not listening enough, I don't know...I wasn't really paying attention.
Harry: You know Lloyd, just when I think you couldn't possibly get any dumber, you go and do something like this... and totally redeem yourself!
One kid yelling to another: Have a nice weekend, rotting in your own pissed off world.
(about going to New York City)
Buddy: What's it like?
Santa: Well, there are some things you should know. First off, you see gum on the street, leave it there. It's not candy.
Santa: Second, there are, like, thirty Ray's Pizzas. They all claim to be the original. But the real one's on 11th. And if you see a sign that says "Peep Show", that doesn't mean that they're letting you look at presents before Christmas.
Lucas: Who knows where thoughts come from, they just appear.
---submitted by kat--
Gina: Attention Rex Manning fans. To your left, you will notice a shoplifter being chased by out night manager Lucas. This young man will be caught, deep-fried in a vat of hot oil and served to our first hundred customers. Just another tasty treat from the gang at Empire Records.
---submitted by kat--
AJ: What's with you today?
Lucas: What's with today, today?
---submitted by kat--
AJ: Mark, listening to this crap is guaranteed to make you sterile.
Mark: [under his breath] Maybe I want to be sterile.
Debra: No visible tattoos.
Gina: No revealing clothing.
Debra: We're both screwed. At least you're used to it.
Jane: Actually, his new album tested well among teenage males.
Lucas: Jane, did you compare the percentage of teenage male Rex Manning fans to the incidence of homosexuality amongst teenage males?
Jane: What are you doing later tonight?
Joe: I'm either going to jail, or hell. I can't decide.
--submitted by Kristin--
Deb: I swear, you get smarter the shorter your skirt gets.
Gina: And you get smarter the shorter your hair gets, so it's probably a good thing you went with that.
TV quotes: A-C // D-J // K-P // Q-Z
Last Comic Standing // Title List
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Last Updated: October 1, 2008