I will not waste chalk
I will not aim for the head
I will not skateboard in the halls
I will not barf unless I'm sick
I will not burp in class
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty
I will not instigate revolution
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge
I will not draw naked ladies in class
I will not conduct my own fire drills
I did not see Elvis
I will return the seeing-eye dog
Funny noises are not funny
I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes"
I will not snap bras
Garlic gum is not funny
I will not fake seizures
They are laughing at me, not with me
This punishment is not boring and meaningless
I will not yell "fire" in a crowded classroom
My name is not Dr. Death
I will not encourage others to fly
I will not defame New Orleans
I will not fake my way through life
I will not prescribe medication
Tar is not a plaything
I will not bury the new kid
I will not Xerox my butt
I will not teach others to fly
It's potato, not potatoe
I will not bring sheep to class
I will not trade pants with others
A burp is not an answer
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy
I am not a 32 year old woman
Teacher is not a leper
I will not do that thing with my tongue
Coffee is not for kids
I will not drive the principal's car
I will not eat things for money
I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
I will not yell "She's Dead" during roll call
I will not sell school property
The principal's toupee is not a frisbee
I will not cut corners
I will not squeak chalk
I do not have diplomatic immunity
I will not charge admission to the bathroom
I will not get very far with this attitude
Goldfish don't bounce
I will not make flatulent noises in class
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups
I will not sell land in Florida
I will not sell miracle cures
I will not grease the monkey bars
Underwear should be worn on the inside
I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment
The Christmas pageant does not stink
I will not do anything bad ever again
I will not show off
I will not call the principal "spud head"
I will not carve gods
I will not sleep through my education
I will not spank others
I am not a dentist
I will not bribe Principal Skinner
Spitwads are not free speech
I will finish what I start
Nobody likes sunburn slappers
"Bart Bucks" are not legal tender
High explosives and school don't mix
Hamsters cannot fly
All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy
I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle
I am not deliciously saucy Organ transplants are best left to the professionals
I will not send lard through the mail
I will not use abbrev.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun
Adding "just kidding" doesn't make it okay to insult the Principal
Indian burns are not our cultural heritage
There are plenty of businesses like show business
I will not dissect things unless instructed
I will not hang donuts on my person
No one wants to hear my armpits
I will not mock Mrs. Dumbface
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones
I will not strut around like I own the place
Next time it could be me on the scaffolding
The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far
I will stop talking about the twelve inch pianist
I am not a lean mean spitting machine
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan
I will not whittle hall passes out of soap
Wedgies are unhealthy for children and other living things
I do not have power of attorney over first graders
Cursive writing does not mean what I think it does
I am not the reincarnation of Sammy Davis Jr
I am not certified to remove asbestos
"Bagman" is not a legitimate career choice
I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball
I will remember to take my medication
The boys room is not a water park
Beans are neither fruit nor musical
Nerve gas is not a toy
"Bewitched" does not promote Satanism
The First Amendment does not cover burping
Ralph won't "morph" if you squeeze him hard enough
CRANK CALLS TO MOE!!
7G01 (Some Enchanted Evening)
Moe:"Phone call for Al...Al Coholic...is there an Al Coholic here? Wait a minute... Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass, if I ever find out who you are, I'm gonna kill you!"
7G01 (Some Enchanted Evening)
Moe:Oliver Clothesoff! Call for Oliver Clothesoff!" Marge picks up the extension and hears: "Listen, you lousy bum, if I ever get a hold of you, I swear I'll cut your belly open!"
7G03 (Homer's Odyssey)
Moe:"Uh, is I.P. Freely here? Hey, everybody, I.P. Freely! Wait a minute... Listen to me you lousy bum. When I get a hold of you, you're dead. I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half!"
7G06 (Moaning Lisa)
Moe:"Uh, Jacques Strap! Hey guys, I'm looking for a Jacques Strap! Oh, wait a minute...Jacques Strap It's you isn't it ya cowardly little runt? When I get a hold of you, I'm gonna gut you like a fish and drink your blood!"
7F11 (One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish)
Moe:"Hey, is there a Butz here? Seymour Butz? Hey, everybody, I wanna Seymour Butz! Oh, wait a minute... Listen, you little scum-sucking pus-bucket! When I get my hands on you, I'm gonna put out your eyeballs with a corkscrew!"
7F15 (Principal Charming)
Bart (in Principal Skinner's office):
Moe:"Uh, Homer Sexual? Aw, come on, come on, one of you guys has gotta be Homer Sexual!"
Homer:"Don't look at me!"
Moe:"Oh, no... You rotten little punk! If I ever get a hold of you, I'll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip your face off!"
Skinner, on the other end of the line: "You'll do what, young man?"
7F22 (Blood Feud)
Moe:"Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately? Listen to me, you little puke. One of these days, I'm going to catch you, and I'm going to carve my name on your back with an ice pick!"
8F02 (Treehouse of Horror II)
Moe:"Uh, hey, everybody! I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and big butt and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt Oh, wait a minute..."
8F08 (Flaming Moe's)
Moe:"Uh, Hugh Jass? Oh, somebody check the men's room for a Hugh Jass!" There is a Hugh Jass at Moe's;
Hugh:"Uh, I'm Hugh Jass"
8F09 (Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk)
Moe, "Bea O'Problem! Bea O'Problem! Come on, guys, do I have a Bea O'Problem here?
Barney, "You sure do!"
Moe, "Oh...it's you, isn't it? Listen, you. When I get a hold of you, I'm going to use your head for a bucket and paint my house with your brains!"
9F06 (New Kid on the Block)
Moe, "Uh, Amanda Huggenkiss? Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Huggenkiss! Ah, why can't I find Amanda Huggenkiss?"
Barney, "Maybe your standards are too high!"
Moe, "You little S.O.B.! Why, when I find out who you are, I'm going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs in your butt!"
Bart, "My name is Jimbo Jones and I live at 142 Evergreen Terrace.
(Jimbo and Laura Powers are making out in Bart's living room)
Moe, "You just made your first mistake!"
9F06 (New Kid on the Block)
Moe, "Ivana Tinkle? Ivana Tankle? All right, everybody, put down your glasses, Ivana Tinkle!"
2F19 (The PTA Disbands)
(Moe is taking over as the substitute teacher for Mrs. Krabappel's class during the strike.)
Moe, "OK, when I call your name, uh, you say "present" or "here". Er, no, say "present". Ahem, Anita Bath?"
(The students in the classroom laugh.)
Moe, "All right, settle down. Anita Bath here?"
(More laughs.)
Moe, "All right, fine, fine. Maya Buttreeks!"
(Still more laughs.)
Moe, "Hey, what are you laughing at? What? Oh, oh, I get it, I get it. It's my big ears, isn't it, kids? Isn't it? Well, children, I can't help that!"
3F14 (Homer the Smithers)
Mr. Burns, "I'm looking for a Mr. Smithers, first name Wayland"
Moe, "Oh, so, you're looking for a Mr. Smithers, eh? First name Wayland, is it? Listen to me, you; when I catch you, I'm gonna pull out your eyes and stick 'em down your pants, so you can watch me kick the crap outta you, okay? Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat!"
3F17 (Bart on the Road)
Homer, "Hello, I'd like to speak with a Mr. Snotball, first name Eura"
Moe, "Eura Snotball?"
Homer, "What? How dare you! If I find out who this is, I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran!"
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