An Interview with the Goddess

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ME = me or melissa
GC = Goddess Callisto
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ME: We're speaking today with the Goddess Callisto. "Welcome"

GC: "Thank-you."

ME: "As most of you are aware The Goddess has been on a rampage seeking redemption every since that ominous day ten years ago when Xena: Warrior Princess rolled in t..."

GC: "Destroyer of Nations."

ME: "Huh?"

GC: "Xeeeena: De-stroy-er of Nations. Repeat after me..."

ME: "Oh I see..."

GC: sharply "I said" deep breath, smiles "repeat after me."

ME: "Uh, Xena: Destroyer of Nations."

GC: "Good. Go on."

ME: "uhm....every since Xena: Destroyer of Nations rode into Cirra....."

GC: "pounding hooves, horses, stampedes, chaos, men burning houses,villagers, Cirrrrra!"

GC: leaping to her feet "Relentless pillaging, running, screeeee-ming, murrrr-dering!!"

GC: whispers "Xeeeeeennnna."

GC: releases blood curdling war cry "Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhh!"

GC: looking at dagger in her hand "oops, sorry. All this battle talk really gets my juices going." extends hand to help me up from my cowering position on the floor.

ME: tentatively extending my hand allowing Callisto to pull me to my feet "uh.....your juices?"

GC: "Yes. My blood lust. What did you think I meant?"

ME: "uh....nothing.....I mean, uh......Blood lust."

GC: nods her head "continue."

ME: "Alright. Callisto, since bec.."

GC: "Did I say you could call me Callisto?"

ME: "uh, no."

GC: "Well then....." arching her eyebrow

ME: "Warrior Queen,"

GC: shaking her head "tsk tsk tsk tsk"

ME: "uh, Goddess?"

GC: smiles "Better" mumbling to herself "pathetic"

ME: Huh?

GC: sweeping motion with her hands "Go on then, interview. NOW!"

ME: "Ca....uh.....Since becoming a Goddess you have taken an active interest in the restoration of Cirrian society...."

GC: "I have always been interested in the restoration of Cirra. Now I have the unique ambrosia induced ability to do something about it. You knowwhat they say, don't you?"

ME: awkward pause "Are you asking me?"

GC: "Who else?"

ME: "uhm, no, I don't know. What do they say?"

GC: sighs, visibly frustrated "patience is a virtue."

ME: "Yes....Yes, it is, a virtue, and one that you display beautifully, I mig...."

GC: "Stop groveling. Just the sight of it makes me sick."

GC: leaning in so that her nose is only inches from mine "You're not very good at this are you? Hmmmm?"

ME: "Well, uh, I ....."

GC: "THINK! Before you answer."

ME: "No, I am not very good at it."

GC: "Pity. I was hoping for a little, intel-lect-ual stimulation. But go on, ask your question."

ME: "Uh, now that you are a Goddess, what are you plans for Cirra?"

GC: rolls her eyes, mumbles "figures."

GC: "I intend to recreate my childhood village in all its agonizing glory, authentic in every way, right down to the blood stains in the town square."

ME: visibly paling "blood stains?"

GC: "aaahhhh, don't worry my sweet, it's a joke, a little Goddess humor. Funny, hmmmm?"

ME: "uh.....yah.....what...ah.....whatever you say."

GC: leaning in to monitor my notes "Anyway make sure you get the punctuation right, we wouldn't want any thing unfortunate to happen to you, now would we?"

ME: "uh....uhm.......another joke?"

GC: "Whatever you say." winking

ME: gulp!! - backing further into my chair

GC: "uhm, that won't help."

ME: "I know."

ME: "So Goddess, of all the things you could have restored, why start with the village bank?"

GC: "I have noticed on that little electronic mailing list of mine...."

ME: "Actually that mailing list is dedicated to Hudson-Leick."

GC: awkward pause as the Goddess reflects ".....as I was saying, I have noticed a lot of dinars being thrown around on that list of mine and in the interest of protecting their contribution I thought it was high time those idio...those people started investing their dinars rather than just tossing them willy-nilly into cyberspace."

ME: "That's good advice."

GC: "I know."

ME: "So, what will be your next undertaking in the Cirrian restoration project?"

GC: "Temples, I think. I know, I know, there weren't temples in the original version of Cirra. Or at least not any to me. But you know what they say, don't you?"

ME: "uh......."

GC: "That was rhetorical. You really aren't very sharp are you?"

GC: long awkward pause "Well?"

Me: "No, I am not."

GC: "See. Now you are catching on. Anyway they say, you must be flexible in today's changing world. So I see no harm in making some minor improvements here and there."

ME: "What other changes will you be making?"

GC: "Well naturally, in my Cirra, there won't be any intoxicants. And, of course, the people will be different, but we have Xena to thank for that."

ME: "Since you bring her up, can we talk about Xena for a moment?"

GC: "I don't know, you tell me. Who is running this interview anyway? Hmmmm?"

ME: "uh....."

GC: "Careful."

ME: "uhm....you are?"

GC: smiling "Yes, I believe I am. Go on ask your Xena question."

ME: "It has been reported that Xena has renounced her warlord ways and has even gone so far as extending her apologies to you and the people of Cir....

GC: spits "That's what I think of Xena's apology. Pathetic. Its all that irritating little blonde you know..."

ME: wiping the spit off my brow "Gabrielle?"

GC: "Yes, that's the one. Before she came along I at least had some respect mixed up with my hatred for the Destroyer of Nations. Now look at her. Warrior Princess. Bah! Simply pathetic."

GC: pauses, looks around deviously "Say, you wouldn't want to join my legion would you? The initiation is simple really. Ever slit anyone's throat?"

ME: "No."

GC: "To which question?"

ME: "uh........"

GC: "Look, it's really quite simple. All you have to do is pierce the skin,under the chin, with the blade, and tear a hole this way.....here like this." starts to get up to demonstrate

ME: jumping back, falling over, taking the chair with me "That's all right, I get the idea."

GC: sitting back down "No, I don't think you do. Tell me, are you one of those bards?"

ME: "In what respect?"

GC: "In the respect that you are a spineless, cowardly, miserable, wretched creature who leaches of the heroics of others by writing their deeds on those little scrolls of yours?!"

ME: "uh, yes."

GC: snorts in disgust "Well then, go on little *bard* ask your next question."

ME: You once said that the boring part about being an immortal is not having to eat, what, if anything, is the boring part about being a Goddess?"

GC: "Good question. I would have to say the killing."

ME: "The killing?"

GC: "I much prefer the old fashion way, there is nothing like the feel of warm blood...."

ME: "Didn't the Goddess Valasca say tha....."

GC: cold stare

ME: "uh...... good answer."

GC: "Oak, I think."

ME: "What?"

GC: "I would be an oak tree."

ME: "huh? I didn't ask..."

GC: "And *you* would be petrified wood."

ME: blank stare

GC: laughing "get it, a petrified wood?"

ME: "yes, very punny."

GC: "Oh lighten up. Would you like to play a little game of truth or dare? Hmmm?"

ME: "No."

GC: "Oh come on precious. Pretty please."

ME: "Oh.....alright.......I pick dare."

GC: uncontrollable hysterical laughter "Oh my, you are funny! I am afraid you couldn't handle a dare little one. You pick truth."

ME: "Ok, I pick truth"

GC: "What did you really think I meant when I said battle gets my juices going?"

ME: "uhm....blood lust?"

GC: "You wouldn't lie to me, now would you dearest?"

ME: "uh........maybe?"

GC: "hmm, I can appreciate that. Alright, your turn. I pick dare."

ME: "I dare you not to inflict bodily harm upon me."

GC: smiles "Ok, I can do that."

ME: "You wouldn't lie to me, would you?"

GC: coyly "maybe."

ME: "uh....next question? Lucy Lawless recently said in an interv...."

GC: "Lucy Lawless?"

ME: "Xena."

GC: "So she is calling herself Lucy again, eh? And they say I am the crazy one! And Lawless! My Gawd how much more pretentious can she get than that? It's bad enough that she has given herself a last name, I mean who in all of Mesopotamia even has one of those anyway. But noooo, she has to go a step further and rub it in the faces of all the destroyed people she left behind. Lawless. Pah-lease!"

ME: "Uhm, no disrespect intended Goddess, but weren't you calling yourself Heidi Hudson Leick for awhile there?"

GC: long pause "I was young."

ME: "Yes, but that's three names. And Leick? Well, there is certainly a bit of irony there, no?"

GC: "You Surprise me little one. Do you have some kind of death wish?"

ME: "Yes, I believe I do."

GC: Smiling, leaning back into her chair "There may be hope for you yet. Anyway, I had to give up on the Leick thing."

ME: "Why's that?"

GC: "Several reasons. Mainly tho it just went right over everyone's head. You know those idio...uh, people on the Internet couldn't even figure out how to pronounce it, let alone appreciate the irony of it. Anyway, there is apparently some angelic woman going around using the same name. Can youimagine the confusion this would cause at parties?"

ME: "uh, rhetorical?"

GC: "Yes, you are catching on. Perhaps you could be my protegee. I have been thinking about picking one of those up."

ME: "It would be an honor, Goddess."

GC: "No doubt."

ME: "Anyway, Lucy Lawless recently requested in an interview that people, 'Lay the hell off Joxer'."

GC: breaks into hysterical laughter

ME: "If you could...."

GC: "Wait!" laughter subsiding "You're serious? She said that. Well, no wonder she is using a pseudonym! I would too, if I were going around making outrageous claims like that!"

ME: "So, I take it you don't agree wit...."

GC: "No, no....no wait!" imitating Xena "I say, Lay the hell off Joxer."more bursts of laughter

ME: trying not to laugh

GC: "Hey, that is fun, you try it."

ME: "uhm, Lay the hell off Joxer?"

GC: "Good, but be more forceful and you have got to lower your voice like this, I say, Lay the Hell off Joxer."

Both break into fits of uncontrolled laughter

GC: "Wait, wait! I have another, I say, Lay the Hell off Gabrielle!" more laughter

GC: "You will quote that to Hudson, right?"

ME: "Naturally."

ME: "Now seriously, Is there any thing that you would like to convey to your fans?"

GC: "Well lately they have been a little, uh..."

ME: "Lax?"

GC: sharply "NO!" "A little, how shall I say, a little remiss in their worship."

ME: "How so?"

GC: "Well for one, many have taken it upon themselves to theorize about my mental health, insinuating a possible uh.....problem in that area." visibly struggling to maintain control "Also, there has been the suggestion that Gabrielle might be my savior. HA! A few of the more pitiful ones have even knowingly made proclamations outside of my philosophy."

ME: "Could you give an example?"

GC: "Well, nothing specific, but these are usually comments prefixed with statements like no disrespect to the Goddess but,' or Looking around to make sure Callisto is not watching." Well you better believe I am watching and for the record: I AM NOT AMUSED!"

ME: "Well, that is cer...."

GC: holding up her hand "No, no more, I am done here. Now run along little Bard and put this in the Herald."

ME: getting up collecting my things "Thank-you for your t..."

GC: "What?! are you doing? I said, run along. Do it. DO IT!"

ME: Dropping all my carefully ordered notes, turning and running the hell away

GC: laughing "Hope that doesn't affect the punctuation."

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