MP: Why the rush?
MM: The Goddess decides that She wants a party thrown in her honor TODAY and you ask why I'm in a hurry? I may have been stuck in the middle of the southern continent, but you, buddy must've been farther away than that if you forgot how She acts when you displease her.
MP: Oh. Did she give you a list of stuff she wanted?
MM: She's mentioned clothes. Hey, is that Disney store new to the Mall?
MP: yup... hey look ((Matt grabs Melissa and drags her after him into the Disney store)) How's this? ((Matt shows off some clothes he wants to see Callisto in))
MM: yeah, right. I want to be there when she opens up your present and pulls out an Alice in Wonderland outfit. After she kills you, can I have your stuff? No, I don't think a Tinkerbell outfit will go over either. I'm heading over to The Gap for Goddesses.
((Melissa bops on down to the gap, leaving Matt stuck in some kind of bizarre mental slideshow of Callisto in the outfits of Disney cartoon women.....MMMMmmmmm Pocahontas....Jessica Rabbit...Little Mermaid...))
MP: Wait, hold on! (runs after Melissa)
MM: We don't have much time. The party is in two hours. The whole town will be there.
MP: Can I ask you something?
MM: shoot.
MP: Ok, when you're in the temple, doing your scribe work...what do the two of you talk about?
MM: Not much. She watches a lot of television.
MP: really? anything good?
MM: hrmm. She used to watch jeopardy, but after a while would get really angry and end up putting her foot thru the tube. Now she watches Wheel of Fortune and Hard Copy. Here we are. Hey, I thought you hated the Gap. How'd one manage to get inside the Mall?
MP: It's like weeds. Pops up all over the place. Could you help me pick out something for the Goddess?
MM: I'd better. Last time you tried to give her a gift, you picked out --
MP: "Watch it Burn," by Hasbro.
MM: And she gave you...
MP: Painful rectal itch. I'd rather not talk about it.
MM: Should we get her a clown?
MP: you mean like Joxer, the Mighty (not the song, but the man)? Or the kind of clown that fit thirty to a VW Bug?
MM: ((pause)) I'm thinking. Nah, too expensive, what with the rebuilding and all.
MP: know any magic?
MM: I can pull a quarter out of my ear. Does that count?
MP: nah, for a quarter, you can watch a guy pull a gerbil out of his --
MM: New subject! How about something original?
MP: we could get her a spot on "Wheel." You said she watches that show a lot. She any good at it?
MM: Yeah. But remember when she went on Sesame Street last sweeps week?
MP: Leggy Goddess Month on PBS.
MM: She beat Cookie Monster to Death with a rake, kicked over Oscar the Grouch's trash can and....and ((sobs))
MP: Deflowered Bert and Ernie, I know, I know.
MM: OK, Matt. ((eyeballing his bulging shopping bags)) What did you get?
MP: Tons of way cool stuff. I went to "Everything in this Store is a Dollar" --
MM: ((thinking: he's a dead man for sure))
MP: I got her one of them rolly lint picker-up tape things! We can't have a Goddess who is linty, now, can we?
MM: No, I guess not. (sigh)
MP: And from Record Town I got her some CD's. Jeff Buckley's "Grace", the new Wu Tang, some Joy Division and the M.O.D. anthology. What'd you get?
MM: A jacket. A real boss leather one from the Harley shop. Can't you just picture Her decked out in leather, astride a raging hog?
MP: ((grin spreading across his face)) MMMMmmmm yeah...
MM: I don't mean a farm animal.
MP: Oh.
(((Melissa shakes her head. Damn, that guy is strange. She begins to walk down to the food court.)))
MP: I also wanted to get her some new shoes. You spend the most time with her, what do you think she'd like?
MM: You're the one that stares at her feet all the time, I dunno. Jeez, just cause a girl spends all her time with a Goddess, it's not like -- Leick Damnit! I forgot that Hudson was dropping over to the temple this afternoon. Whenever those two get together, it's always Tartarus on earth for me. Talk about a double team -- and wipe that thought from your noggin smut-lad.
MP: I swear I wasn't thinking at all!
MM: ((liar)) Anyway. So I got her a jacket AND, get this..I went to JMF Toys and got her a Xena bopping bag, you know, those knock-em-down and they come back at you things?
MP: Like an inflatable weeble? Cool.
MM: ((smiling)) yeah, an inflatable weeble. (((The pair arrive at the cafe court)) What do you want to eat?
MP: I don't care, it's on me. Or rather, the "legitimate businesses I'm connected with." Hey, isn't that Morgan over at the manicure place?
MM: ((nods. makes gun with fingers)) Bang, bang, dear Morgan. How long has she been here?
MP: at least fifteen minutes. Fat Joe, the guard near the entrance called her in. What kind of food do we need?
MM: Well, she likes hamburgers, and well need veggie health stuff for Hudson. She said you aren't allowed to cook, though.
MP: How was I to know she was allergic to shellfish? Jeez, one bowl of bouillabaisse and she's hanging from the chandeliers. That was almost three months ago.
MM: Matt.
MP: What? ((innocently))
MM: She stood on your balcony and flashed motorists for fifteen minutes.
MP: That wasn't my fault, I tried to cover her with a blanket --
MM: You circulated pictures on the internet! And you have one in your wallet.
MP: Ethnic!
MM: Beg pardon?
MP: Some ethnic foods, Chinese, Japanese, French, Spanish the whole lot! No seafood.
MM: And candy. She really likes candy. Except for Now and Laters. Broke a tooth on one of them things. Had to go to the dentist.
MP:((winces)) What happened to the poor Dr.?
MM: Made her an irritating blue eyed blonde.
MP: Yikes!
MM: Tell me about it. I'll have a piece of pizza. Where's the fry boy from the French Fry place?
MP: I'll have one too. You mean the Highlander guy? Oh, he was a chair for Roger Ebert for a while. Now, he's John Madden's masseuse.
MM: You're evil.
MP: ((smiles)) 'za's ready.
MM: We better get going. I have a delivery that I have to pick up at the post office on the way back to the temple.
MP: what is it?
MM: A secret. Speaking of which, you can return that Victoria's Secret bag. You've been trying to hide it all afternoon.
MP: but there's nothing wrong with pant-
MM: Matt! Return it!
MM: "Oh. Hi Goddess. Hudson. I uh, didn't expect to find you two here."
HL: "Hi Melissa."
GC: "We came for the big screen."
MM: "Oh. Ok, but no Jeopardy. I would like to keep this set in one piece for more than a half an hour if you don't mind."
GC: "I am sure I don't know what you are talking about." (sly grin)
HL: "What do ya got behind your back?"
MM: (with suspicion) "Just a gift for the Goddess."
HL: "OH Really! Can I see?"
MM: "No, it's a surprise."
HL: "I said let me see it!"
MM: (Rolling my eyes) "Look Goddess, You are not fooling me, I know that is you and not Hudson."
GC: (frowning with disappointment) (To Hudson) "The gig is up." (to melissa) "So how did you guess? I mean look at her. (indicating Hudson in black bikini warlord garb) She looks just like me in that thing. Don't ya think?"
MM: "Yes, Hudson *looks* just like you."
GC: "Then how did you guess?"
MM: "Three things. First, you two do this role switching thing every time you are together. And while I am a bard, eventually I do catch on. Second, Hudson was being a little too friendly to be you."
HL: "Friendly? I hardly said two words to you, how do you call that friendly?"
MM: "Look I am not normally one to give acting advise, but I do know the Goddess and when I made that little Jeopardy comment she would have flung me through the television set."
HL: "oh. Yes I see your point."
GC: "Well, not today I wouldn't."
MM: "Why not?"
GC: "Melrose Place is on in 5 minutes."
MM: "Melrose Place? When did you start watching that cra...." (remember Hudson is in the room) "oh. I take it your episodes are on again. Well alright, but please just go easy when Jake comes on."
GC: "That bastard!" (hurls phone across the room narrowly missing my head.)
HL & GC: (break into hysterical fits of laughter)
MM: (Thinking: Gods, that is just what she needs, a partner in crime.) (leaves the room to search for wrapping paper)
GC: "Interesting choice of armor."
HL: "It's not armor? It's a bra."
GC: "Not armor? What is the point then?"
HL: (shrugs) "purely gratuitous"
GC: "Perhaps you should try armor, or chainmail."
HL: (in her best Xena impression) "Nah, that would just attract a kinkier crowd."
HL & GC: (more hysterical laughter)
MM: (listening in by the door thinking, if anyone else had done that they would be toast by now, quite literally.)
GC: "How do you get around in those things?" (indicating the high heels being worn by Hudson/Shelly on Melrose)
HL: "Well it ain't easy."
GC: "They don't seem all that practical. I mean, do they double as a weapon or something? Look right here, where Jake turns you down, why don't you just impale one of those heels into the base of his skull?"
HL: "It wasn't in the script."
GC: "Why did you go after Jake in the first place? Why didn't you just storm in, kick ass, and take the money?"
HL: "Also not in the script. That's just not the way things work in Spelling land. It's all about seduction and trapping men."
GC: "Trapping men? When do we get to see that? Do you use a bear trap or just rope them?"
HL: "Not that kind of trapping. More like tricking them through sex."
GC: "oh. Sounds rather boring."
HL: (nods in agreement)
GC: "Perhaps I will have Melissa write up something worthy of you."
HL: "She wouldn't mind?"
GC: (unable to control her laughter) "Oh Hudson, you *are* a hoot. What does it matter if she minds?" (Sly grin) "Actually, she minds quite well."
GC & HL: (Share more laughter)
MM: (calling out from the other room) "Yes, that was very punny Goddess!"
GC: (Whispering to Hudson) "Although lately she has become a bit sarcastic. What do you say we have a little fun?"
HL: (looking concerned)
GC: "Don't worry, we are not going to hurt her or anything, just play with her a bit. You'll love it! She does the best impression of Little Hercules and if we are really fortunate she also does a decent Gabrielle."
GC: "Hey Melissa! you are out of Dr. Pepper."
MM: (calling out from the other room) "Why don't you just conjure some up?"
GC: (arches both eyebrows in disbelief)
HL: "ught-oh."
GC: "Because, dear BARD, It is much better when it's made the old fashioned way."
MM: (entering the main room) "You mean you want me to run out and get you some Dr. Pepper when you could just snap your fingers...."
GC: "Yes! That is exactly what I am saying. And get glass bottles. But not the little short ones, the tall skinny kind."
MM: "You know that they don't make those any more Goddess. I will have to search through the depths of Tartarus to find them!"
GC: "Well you had better get cracking then. You still have that party to plan after-all. Would you like anything Hudson?"
HL: "Hmmmm. I'm kind of in the mood for Black Jack chewing gum."
MM: "Black Jack Chewing gum?"
HL: "Yes it tastes like licorice."
MM: "I know what it is, but I don't think they even make that any more." (pause) "Oh, I see. That would be the point. Nice. Thanks Hudson."
GC: "Watch your tone Melissa! Hudson is a guest."
MM: "uh sorry Goddess."
GC: "and?"
MM: "Sorry Hudson." (sigh) "Ok I'll be back in a flash. Oh, and Goddess, stay away from your present while I am gone. On second thought." (takes the gift with her)
HL: "Your right, that was fun."
GC: (smiles, snaps her fingers, Dr. Pepper and Black Jack Chewing gum appear) "Yes, but just wait till she comes back, it gets better."
MM: Let me put it kindly, Matt... If you changed every word in the dictionary to "stupid," and read the whole thing out loud in Bullwinkle's voice, that'd come pretty close to describing you.
MP: You just don't know fashion.
MM: Whatever, Disco Stu.
MP: You're just jealous that I'm going to get all of Hudson's attention at the party tonight. With my funky threads and my new "Personalized Soundtrack" (TM Wesser.Labs), I'm irresistible. ((Matt begins walking around the room, guitar riff from 70's porn movie plays in the "background" (actually it's from his pants). It doesn't matter which movie, it's the same riff in them all.))
MM: ((Shakes her head)) You look like a Very Brady extra. C'mon, we don't have much time. I left Hudson and Goddess alone with the food. She can really pack it away, that Hudson. You know all the veggies are gone by now. You know, she once took a carrot out of the mouth of a goat at the petting zoo.
MP: You forget, I had to administer the heimlich cause she stuffed it in her mouth when the zoo guy tried to wrestle it away from her.
MM: oh yeah, I forgot. ((grabbing car keys)) Ok, clog on over here and help me move this big box.
(((Matt takes the box and walks out the door. Porn guitar playing))
MP: Lock up for me, please.
MM: No prob. ((She had to admit, when you added the music, Matt was sharp))
MM: ((pick up the phone and dial the mall))
Guy#1: "Hello?'
MM: "Yes, may I speak with Matt please?"
Guy#1: "Who?"
MM: "Matt."
Guy#1: "There's nobody named Matt here, sorry dude." ((click))
MM: ((redial the Mall))
Guy#2: : "Hello?"
MM: "May I speak with Matt please?"
Guy#2: "Matt? Matt who?"
MM: "Matt, your boss, that ring any bells?"
Guy#2: "uhm, he's real busy right now."
MM: "Just tell him its Melissa and it's very important."
Guy#2: "Like really important or just kind of import..."
MM: "By the Gods! Just put Matt on the Phone!"
MP: "Hello?"
MM: "What kind of morons do you have working for you down there anyway?"
MP: "All kinds I suppose."
MM: "Well you really should do something about them. You know they hung up on me. Anyway, I didn't call to discuss your help. Well actually, I did call to discuss your help, as in I need it."
MP: "Why would you want a bunch of morons?"
MM: "Not that help. Please Matt focus. We forgot to plan some party games and you know how the Godde...."
MP: "WE forgot?"
MM: "Ok, ok, I forgot. But the point is if I don't think some up quickly the Goddess will have BOTH of our heads on a platter."
MP: "Alright, I give. Who is this anyway?"
MM: ((silence))
MP: "Hello? Are you still there? Ok, ok, I know it is you Melissa, I was just..."
MM: "I call to warn you that we could end up....and you....sometimes I just don't...." ((deep breath)) "Look are you going to help me out here or not?"
MP: "Of course, just calm down. What have you come up with so far?"
MM: "Well, I was thinking Pin the Tail on the Centaur."
MP: ((silence))
MM: "Hello?"
MP: "I'm here. Is this a children's party Melissa?"
MM: "Well, no but..."
MP: "Then why have children's games?"
MM: "Yes, good point. What do you suggest?"
MP: ((sly grin)) "How about spin the bottle?"
MM: "Matt, you know better."
MP: ((still thinking about playing spin the bottle))
MM: "How about tag?"
MP: ((silence))
MM: "Matt?"
MP: "huh?"
MM: "I said, how about tag. What's the matter with you anyway?"
MP: "oh, oh yes, uhm tag, did you say. No, I don't think so. You remember the last time we played tag with the Goddess?"
MM: "No, not really."
MP: "My point exactly. She changed the rules to a game of freeze tag, and well some of us were stuck like that for days!"
MM: "Well how about twister?"
MP: "Mmmm Twister...." ((Matt goes out again)))
MM: "On second thought, that's out."
MP: "There is always the Goddess's favorite....Mortal Combat: The Home Game."
Matt and Melissa ponder this briefly: "NO!"
MP: "Truth or Dare?"
MM: "Hmmm, that sounds like a possibility. Minimal on the physical damage. How's your mental emotional state of mind? Are you up for it?"
MP: "Does it matter?"
MM: "Good point. What about, Goddess Says?"
MP: "You mean that game that's like Simon says only..."
MM: "Yes, only the Goddess is Simon, that would be the one."
MP: "I don't know, sounds kind of risky."
MM: "Would you prefer Mortal Combat?"
MP: "No."
MM: "Well then I am writing it down as a definite possibility."
GC: "Melissa!"
MM: "Just a second Matt." ((yelling to the Goddess)) "What is it Goddess?"
GC: "Touched by an Angel is about to come on, Hudson and I need someone to change the channel. Could you be a dear?"
MM: ((sigh)) "Be right there Goddess." ((to Matt)) "Looks like my beckon calls."
MP: "Touched By an Angel, eh?"
MM: "Yeah, who knew. You want to hear a secret?"
MP: "Sure"
MM: "The Goddess watches all the episodes, even the ones without Hudson."
GC: "MELISSA!"
MM: "Oops got to go! Bye!"
MM: Morning. How we doing?
MP: What happened?
MM: That depends. What do you remember?
MP: Everyone liked my outfit except Callisto -- I had to go home and change.
MM: Then what?
MP: I chased 1stFire around the pool with ice tongs yelling "piranha!"
MM: Yeah. That was after Callisto opened the presents. She liked the stuff you got her. The "Jeopardy: The Home Game" went over well. At least, till Wesser started gaining in points. I knew as soon as he said "What is Hydroponic Farming?" the stuff was really going to fly. well.
MP: Is that why I have this image of him face down in chip dip?
MM: It took Trancer and two firemen forty five minutes to get sour cream and onion out of his eyes, ears, nose, and throat.
MP: ((Changing the subject)) Didn't Hudson look great?
MM: Um, yeah. (Actually she was dressed in normal clothes. Jean shorts, a beat up "Doors" t-shirt and white sneakers -- that to Matt's delight she kicked of and went barefoot for most of the day.)
MP: That woman's a dream.
MM: ((cough))
MP: um...present company excluded?
MM: Not that, goof. You really don't remember?
MP: Nope, what'd I do?
MM: You wormed your way in between The Goddess and Hudson -- who were sitting on together my couch, and asked Hudson if she would like some pizza rolls.
MP: NO! ((It has long been held in Matt's opinion that pizza rolls are the #1 post-sex snack food))
MM: yessireebob. That's how you're lip got split.
MP: Hudson?
MM: Goddess Callisto. She must've gotten over it cause she pulled you onto the karoke stage with her.
MP: What did we sing?
MM: Goddess did a real good rendition of "Take Another Little Piece of My Heart," by Janis Joplin, Big Brother and the Holding Co. Then you and her did a real cool and slightly altered version of Tom Jones' "It's Not Unusual." ((singing)) ...and if I see you hanging about with anyone/It's not unusual to see you die."
MP: So everything was cool?
MM: ((pauses)) Well..you went into your lounge lizard version of "Head Like A Hole." It was a real crowd pleaser. But when you broke into an impromptu "Last Goodbye," by Jeff Buckley, you got to the part "Must I dream and always see your face?" You were looking straight at Hudson and started weeping.
MP: ((groans)) ohmygodno
MM: It took Trancer and two firemen forty five minutes to get you out from under my bed, where you were hiding. You were a mess.
MP: Sounds like it. So how did the Goddess like the rest of her gifts?
MM: She liked them, well most of them a lot. We didn't have to break out the wheel of punishment.
MP: that's a relief. Last time something like this happened, she made us all chant "Wheel...of....Pain!" while she spun the dial. Spastic colon, runny eye, "It's only a cold sore," -- you never knew what the pointer was going to land on. wherever the wheel stopped, the Goddess administered the punishment on you reel fast.
MM: and you Mr. smartass kept trying to cheat and make it land on "Tickle Fight."
((((((((((((Wavy Flashback Lines))))))))))))))
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