Short Stories

There was this guy & he had just bought a brand new Farrari F-50 and he was taking it for a cruise. He was stopped at a red light and this little boy on a mopehead stopped next to him and was at awe over the car. He asked the guy if he could take a quick look inside and he agreed. Just as he was getting out of the car the boy asked the man how fast his car could go and he said. "oh, around 175-200. Want to see?" Of couse the boy nodded and waited for the light to turn green. The man took off at a very high rate of speed. As he was traveling down the road he saw a little light catching up with him and then flew right past him. 'no! it couldnt be the boy on the mopehead could it?" He asked to himself. Then the light came flying back and went way behind him. The guy then realized that it indeed WAS the boy on the mopehead. Then the light started to catch up with him again. He slowed down a bit to catch up with the boy to find out exactly how he got the little bike to go that fast and in a stunned voice the boy looked at the man and said.."Would you mind taking my suspenders off your rear view mirror?"

There was a guy who just got out of a really bad divorce with his wife. One day, he found a genie's lamp. The genie came out and said," Hello master. I will grant you three wishes but, what ever you wish for your wife gets double." The guy didn't like that part but he made a wish anyway. For his first wish, he said, "Genie, I want a house in Hawaii." POOF!!! He got one house, his wife got two. This didn't make him happy but, he made his second wish. "Genie,I want 2 billion dollars." POOF! He got two billion, his wife four billion. By now, this guy isn't very happy. The genie says,"You have one wish left. I have to remind you, what ever you wish for your wife gets double." The guy says," Yeah,yeah.I know." So the guy thinks real hard and says " I got it! Genie, beat me half to death!!"

A guy walks into a bar. He sits down and says to the bartender, "I'll bet you $100 that if you put a shotglass at that end of the bar, I could stand at the other end and fill it up with my urine." Well the bartender thinks, "That's an easy $100." So he says "Okay." So the guy gets on top of the bar and pees everywhere, even on the bartender. Well, the bartender doesn't care, he just won $100. So very happily the bartender asks for his money. The guy very happily says, "Here you go!" The bartender then asks, "Why are you so happy?" And the guy says, "Well, do you see that guy at the other end of the bar? I bet him $1000 that I could pee on you and you would be happy!"

A kid is flunking a public school, so his parents move him into a private school. All the sudden in the private school his grades skyrocket up to A's. Then one night at the dinner table his parents ask,"Why were you doing so bad in a public school, and when we switched you to a private school you did good?" The kid responds,"because I knew they were serious about school. The first day I walked in they had a guy nailed to a plus sign."

This judge asks the child "do you want to live with your father?"."no, he beats me." the kid answered. " do you want to live with your mother?" the judge asks "no, she beats me." the kid answered "who do you want live with then?" the kid answers "New York JETS, they never beat anybody."

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office for a checkup. Afterwards, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "Unless you do the following things, your husband will surely die." The doctor then went on to say, "Here's what you need to do." "Every morning make sure you serve him a good healthy breakfast. Meet him at home each day for lunch so you can serve him a well balanced meal. Make sure you feed him a good, hot meal each evening and dont overburden him with any stressful conversation, nor ask him to perform any household chores. Also, keep the house spotless and clean so he does'nt get exposed to any threatening germs." On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said. She replied, "You're going to die".

3 guys went to an interview for a job at the CIA, the first one was 25 yrs. old, the second was 35 yrs. old, the third guy was 45 yrs. old and they all had to bring their wives. So the first one went in and the CIA agent said as a test of loyalty he had to go into the room his wife was in and shoot her with the CIA agents gun, so he takes the gun and goes and about a minute later he comes in and explains how much he loves her so he leaves. The second one came in and was asked to do the same thing, so he takes the gun and about 15 minutes later comes in and explains how she is the mother of his children and he can't do it. Then the last guy comes in and was asked to do the same thing, so he goes and a few seconds later the CIA agent hears a BANG!! and after that he hears windows breaking and a whole bunch of raquet. So he goes to the room and kickes the door down and there is the man standing there with his dead wife at his feet and the CIA agent yells what have you done. The man says, "SOME FREAK PUT BLANKS IN THE GUN SO I HAD TO CHOKE HER TO DEATH!!"

A blonde bombshell walks into the airplanes and sits in 1st Class and the stewardess asks her for her ticket...The stewardess tells her that she only has a coach ticket. The blonde says, "Im a cute lookng blonde and i'm flying first class." The stewardess replys that she only has a coach seat to Atlanta....the blonds then retorts, "I'm a cute blonde and i'm flying first class". Just then the captian happened by and asked what was happening....the blonde tells him, "I'm a cute blonde and I'm flying first class....The captian whipers in her ear...and the blonde gets up and jumps into a seat in the coach cabin...The stewardess asks the captain what he said to get her to move so fast.. He replied, "I told her that 1st class is not going to atlanta."

A piece of rope walks into a bar and orders a beer. The Bartender asks "Hey, are you a piece of rope?" The rope answers yes and the Bartender says "We don't serve rope." So the rope go's outside and ties himself in a knot and comes back in. "Gimme a beer," he says. The bartender looks at him and asks "Hey, are you a piece of rope?" The rope answers yes and the Bartender says "We don't serve rope." So the rope go's outside and frays the top of his head. He walks back into the bar and says "Gimme a beer." The Bartender takes a long look at him and says' " Hey, aren't you that piece of rope?" and the rope say's "Nope, Frayed Knot."

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it." After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited and minute and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, why even Jesus had long hair...." To which his father replied...."Yes, and they WALKED every where they went!"

There is a blond driving through the country. She has just died her hair brown because she is sick of being made fun of. She is really hungry. She stops at a farmers house and says "Hi! If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?" Farmer says ok. She quickly counts them and says "91!" The farmer looks around puzzeledly and says "Ok. Take one." When the Blond is walking back to her car the farmer asks "If I can guess your natural hair color, can I have my dog back?"

This burgler breaks into a house. He's stealing the CD player when he hears an eerie voice, "Jesus is watching you!" The robber freezes in his footsteps. He figures "nah I'm just nervous," and keeps on stealing things. He's taking the TV when he hears the voice right behind him saying,"Jesus is watching you!" He spins around to find a parrot. "Who are you?" he asks the parrokeet. "I'm Moses," the bird answers. The theif asks, "What idiot would name his pet Moses?" Moses replies, "The same loser who would name his rotwieler Jesus!"

These four Catholic ladies were at lunch talking about their sons. The first lady said,"My son is a Monsignor and when he walks into the room, people address him as your highness." The second lady said, "My son is a bishop, and people address him as Your Grace." The third lady said, "My son is much better than that, he's a Cardinal, and people greet him as Your Emenence." The fourth lady hesitated, and other three ask her to go ahead and tell them about her son. She said, "My son is not a Priest, but he is almost seven feet tall, and weighs 370 lbs. When he walks into the room, people say, 'Oh My GOD!'"

There was a man named Bob, he was having troubles with his wife whom he hated. He didn't want to go through the troubles of divorce so he decided he would kill her. He didn't want to get arrested, however, so he went to his best friend named Arty. Arty, however, wasn't so bright. Bob said,"Arty, if you kill my wife, I'll pay you a dollar." Arty barely even knew what a dollar was but he figured it was good, therefore, he went to Bob's wife's apartment. He entered the apartment and strangled Bob's wife to death. Coming down, he ran into the janitor lady. He strangled her in fear that she might see the corpse and call the cops. When he got to the last floor he saw the desk clerk. He thought, "Just to be safe I oughta strangle him too." So he did. He walked down the sidewalk feeling proud of himself when he ran into a newspaper stand. He glanced at one of the papers, screamed and ran to show Bob. "Bob, Bob!" he yelled, "Everyone knows my secret!" Bob yelled, "Arty! You idiot! How?" Arty showed Bob the newspaper and it read: Artichokes, three for a dollar

A pig walks into a bar and goes, "I'll have a beer." The bartender gives him his beer, the pig drinks it, pays for it and says, "Where's your bathroom?" The bartender replies," Straight down the hall, you can't miss it." The pig comes out of the bathroom and leaves. A while later, a second pig comes and says, "I'll have a beer." The bartender gives him his beer, the pig drinks it, pays for it and says, "Where's your bathroom?" The bartender replies," Straight down the hall, you can't miss it." The pig comes out of the bathroom and leaves. A while later, a third pig comes in, does the exact same thing and leaves, then a fourth pig comes in, does the exact same thing and leaves. One more pig comes in a little while later and goes, "I'll have a beer." The bartender gives him the, the pig drinks it, pays and starts to leave. The bartender says, "Hey! Don't you have to use the restroom!?" The pig turns and replies, "Nope, I'm the 5th little piggie who goes WEE WEE WEE all the way home!"

Sylvester Stallone, John Claude Van-Damme, and Arnold Schwarzenegger (I doubt I spelled the names right) are all going to be in a play about famous composers! Sly goes, "I wanna be Mozart." Van-Damme goes, "I'd like the part of Beethoven!" Then they ask Arnold who he wants to be and he sits and thinks for a while. Finally, he says, "I'll be bach!"

The speed limit on this freeway is 50mph. A police officer sees three nuns going 20mph in this 50mph speed zone. He pulls them over and says to the driver. “Sister, you’re going a little slow for a 50mph speed zone.” The nun replies,”But officer! The sign over there says that the speed limit is 20 mph!" The cop notices that she's pointing to the sign that says Route 20. "No, sister that's the route number." The nun apologizes and the cop says,"That's okay, sister. Just look for signs that say Miles Per Hour on them." Just as he's about to leave, he sees two more nuns in the backseat with horrified looks on there faces. "Sorry," The cop says to the driver, "I didn't mean to frighten them." The driver replies, "Oh no officer, you didn't scare them. They've been like that ever since we got off Route 102."

Once there was this Aztec tribe who worshiped a sun god. They were led by an evil witch named Sybil. One day, they rebelled and captured Sybil. They began a death sentance. They did all the cerimonial stuff and at the end of the sentance, they beheaded her and held her head up to the sun god. However, the sun god was angry and struck them down. Why? Because yoou should never end a sentance with the dangling part of Sybil! (Dangling Participle)

An Indian cheiften lived in a two floor grass house. He spent most of his time on the first floor but he put his throne on the second floor. One day, the throne fell through the roof onto him. The Moral: Those who live in grass houses should stow thrones.