The Jester's Dictionary

Any thoughts on new definitions for the dictionary? Feel free to email them to me, and if used, I'll give you credit for it on the page. They must be sarcastic, rude, and exceptionally assinine, and contain nothing even close to racism. By the way, if any of the following offends you, then you're an idiot.

Alimony
The screwing you get for the screwing you got.
Art
Publicly displayed psuedo-intellectual masterbation.
Blonde
A dimwitted redhead who's had the flame fucked out of her.
Chaos
A million blind lesbians running naked through a tuna canning plant.
Condom
A cheap, simple, yet effective torture device that is used to brutally constrict the genitals of human males.
Defecation
The process by which a lawyer is born.
Eunuch
A man who no longer gives a fuck.
Fertilizer
A chunky, aromatic brown substance commonly found at the feet of a politician after a long oration.
Government
An organization of spineless organisms, three quarters parasitic and one quarter stupid fumbling.
Hay
The first stage of horse feces.
Homophobic
A homosexual individual in denial.
Incest
Sexual activity in the American South.
Lawyer
A parasitic human mutation resulting from anal intercourse.
Life
A sexually transmitted terminal social disease.
Love
Emotional sado-masochism.
Marriage
A ceremony marking the cessation of sexual activity and the beginning of unbridled hostilities between an emotionally involved couple.
Model
An anorexic silicon-injected exhibitionist millionaire. (inspired by Little Peanut)
Pig
A semi-intelligent, bipedal mammal, commonly found harrassing innocent passerbyes in public or infesting donut shops.
Politician
A spineless, verbally hyperactive mutation of the human species, know to have an affinity with the feces of male cattle.
Racism
Discrimination against a particular race based upon a feeling of sexual impotence and a fear of the sexual prowess of the other race.
Reality
A hallucination caused by an overabundance of blood in one's drug stream.
Religion
A convenient excuse to kill and repress people, and make them accept it.
Secretary
An office appliance that gets screwed on the desk.
Sexism
Ridicule and discrimination against members of the opposite sex stemming from an unconscious desire to be one of them.
Stress
The body's reaction to the mind's overwelming urge to choke the living shit out of some asshole who desperately needs it.
War
1. A state of barbaric conflict in which the common people are killed, raped, and tortured for the profit and amusement of the wealthy. 2. Not a good idea.