~ Chapter 30 ~
Gillian could hear the soft music swirling up from the
ballroom as she walked through Wildwind’s doors. Jake was
ecstatic to have her on his arm at Pine Valley’s biggest event, the
Crystal Ball. As the maids took his coat and her wrap, gently
escorting them into the ballroom, Gillian wondered if Ryan had
come.
Ever sense she’d excepted Jake’s proposal, word had spread
around town like wildfire that the two of them were going to be
married. She wondered if Ryan had heard, and who had told him.
But, most importantly, she wondered how he was taking it. Did he
even care at all?
“Here we are,” Jake said, as they stepped into the ballroom.
Gillian reined in her thoughts, and for the first time took in
their surroundings.
“It’s beautiful. Edmund’s really outdone himself this year,”
she said.
“Well, it is the start of a new millennium,” Jake replied.
“And, the first year to honor the Andrassy foundation.”
Gillian’s smile turned somber. “Yes. I know Dimitri would
be proud.”
“Yes, he would. And he’d be proud of you, too, Gillian,”
Jake said, in an effort to rid her of her sadness. “I think he’d be
happy for us.”
“Do you really think so?”
“I do. He’d be glad that you finally found someone who can
give you the happily after ever he knew you always dreamed of.”
Gillian smiled faintly, remembering the days when she had
lived at Wildwind with Dimitri, and Edmund, and
Grandmama.....and Ryan. Dimitri had tried then to help the two of
them work things out, back when they were too proud, and too
foolish, to even get along. She always felt, until the very end, that
Dimitri had secretly harbored a wish for her and Ryan to
reunite.....But that was all the past now. This was the start of a new
century - a new life - with Jake.
“Why don’t I go get us some drinks?” Jake said. “I’ll be
right back.”
As he left, Gillian willed herself to concentrate on the
present, and be happy for what a blessing Jake was in her life. She
stepped further into the room, in an effort to find the two of them a
table.
As she moved into the crowd, she saw Ryan. He was dressed
in a simple black tuxedo, like most of the other men there. And, yet,
he had an innate sex appeal that all the others lacked - at least in her
eyes. He looked just as good, maybe better, than he had the year
before, when they went on the run together. He was every bit as
handsome as he’d always been. Only now, he wasn’t hers. But, was
her ever?
Their eyes met across the room and held, for what seemed
like an eternity. Why was was that every time she looked into his
eyes the whole world, and everyone in it, just faded away?
Then, Jake was at her side again, and the spell was broken.
But, in that moment, she could see - she could feel - that he knew.
And, she had to talk to him, for her sake as much as his. She had to
see how he was taking the news that she planned to marry Jake.
“What’s wrong, Gillian?” Jake asked, trying to follow her
gaze across the room, but coming up empty.
“Nothing,” she said, taking the glass of champagne that he
handed her. “It’s just been a long year. There’s a lot to think about,
to look back on.”
“I hope not in regret?” Jake asked.
“No,” Gillian answered, firmly. “No regrets. What good
do they do anyway?”
“Come dance with me,” Jake said.
Taking his hand, she followed him onto the dance floor, as
the clock struck eleven times.
~Chapter 31 ~
The clock in the hallway said 11:45 as Gillian passed through.
Waiting until she thought no one would see her, she slipped outside and
headed towards the gardens. Jake was having a discussion with Liza
about Colby, so she knew he wouldn’t miss her. Besides, she’d be back
by his side at midnight, in time to bring in the new year. In the meantime,
she needed to be alone, to think.
She walked silently down the trail, looking at the barren rose
bushes where, in the summer, hundreds of flowers had bloomed. It
reminded Gillian of her life. For a season, she had everything she ever
dreamed of. It was beautiful, and it was perfect. But, like the roses, it had
wilted and died too soon.
Gillian wrapped her arms tightly around herself, to protect against
the cold - and the memories. Except for the moon, and the crystal lights
Edmund had strung on the trees outside the house, it was dark. And the
deeper into the trial she walked, the darker it got. But there was no turning
back.
Finally, she came to an opening in the path where a wrought iron
bench stood beneath a lone tree. Walking over, she sat down. How had
everything turned out this way, she wondered? Rubbing her arms with her
hands to keep warm, she looked into the distance.
Suddenly, she heard a rustling in the bushes. Looking up, she saw
Ryan standing there.
“Ryan,” she said, getting up, “what are you doing out here?”
“Honestly?” he asked. “I followed you.”
“I didn’t know anyone saw,” she said quietly, looking away.
“What are you doing out here?” he asked.
“Thinking. You remember, when we lived here, how I used to
walk through the gardens, or go riding, when I got upset......Well, I didn’t
think it would be proper to go riding in this,” Gillian said, gesturing down
to her dress.
“No,” Ryan said. “I guess not.”
His eyes trailed up and down her body, taking in every detail, from
head to toe.
“You look beautiful,” he told her.
“Thank you,” Gillian answered, blushing slightly, something she
rarely did.
“You always do.”
A silence followed as they looked into each others eyes.
“I suppose I should tell you congratulations,” Ryan finally said.
Without answering, Gillian turned her back to him.
At first, neither one of them said a word. After a moment, Gillian
heard footsteps, and a part of her was sure Ryan had left. Then, she felt his
hands on her shoulders, turning her to face him.
“You came to the loft on Christmas Eve,” Ryan said. “The next
day I heard you’d excepted Jake’s proposal.”
Ryan saw the questions in her eyes.
“I came by Wildwind the next morning, looking for you, and
Edmund told me. He said he thought it would be better for me to hear it
from him. Why did you come to me that night, Gillian? Were you asking
for my permission?”
“I didn’t know I needed it,” she said.
“You, you don’t,” he answered, removing his hands from her
shoulders, and moving away. “I’m just trying to understand what’s going
through your mind. You were upset that night. I could see it in your eyes.
I don’t know what I did, or said, to make you feel that way.”
“Nothing,” Gillian said. “You didn’t say anything.”
She looked away, towards the house, and thought of all the happy
people celebrating inside. How ironic that she and Ryan were both shut
out, alone in the darkness. Even though there were mere feet away from
each other, they still weren’t together, in any sense of the word.
She looked back into his eyes, wondering if this was the last time
they’d have such a moment, and tears began to form.
“You know, we could have been good together,” she said, as a tear
escaped and landed on her check.
Ryan walked back over to her, never taking his eyes off hers.
Running his hand across her check, he wiped away the tear.
Continuing to caress her face, he said, “We still could be.”
From off in the distance, they could hear the citizens of Pine
Valley counting down to the new year.
“FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!”
“I think,” Ryan said, “we’re supposed to kiss now.”
Cupping her face in his hands, he brought his lips down on hers.
The kiss started out gentle, and tender, but Gillian did not hesitate to kiss
him back. Sliding one hand around her neck, and the other down at her
waist, Ryan deepened the kiss, molding Gillian’s body to his own. His
tongue caressed hers as she clung to him fiercely.
Seeming to suddenly realize what she was doing, Gillian violently
broke away from him. She ran her hand through her hair and closed her
eyes, in agony.
“Gillian,” Ryan said.
“Just go away,” she whispered. “Please....just go.”
Turning, Ryan walked down the path and out of sight.
~ Chapter 32 ~
Gillian collapsed on the bench, in despair. Covering her face with
her hands, she wept.
“Gillian?”
She looked up to find Becca standing there.
“Gillian, what’s wrong?” she asked, concerned. “Why are you
crying?”
“Nothing,” Gillian said, wiping her face. “Nothing’s wrong.”
Becca sat down on the bench beside her.
“Something’s obviously bothering you, Gillian, or you wouldn’t be
crying. Please, tell me what it is. Maybe I can help you.”
Gillian thought back on her relationship with Becca since she’d
come to town. She had wanted to like Becca from the start, because she
was Scott’s girlfriend. And, she did like her. She was kind, and
understanding. She was even there for Gillian after the divorce, when
Ryan would rather chase after Hayley then give her the time of day.
But, ever since Scott had moved in with Ryan, she made a point of
never discussing her personal life with Becca.
“Look, Gillian, if you’re worried about it getting back to Ryan, I
promise I won’t tell a soul,” Becca said, earnestly. “You can trust me.
That’s what friends are for.”
Gillian smiled faintly. She’d never had a real friend.
“I’m going to marry Jake,” Gillian said.
“I heard you two were engaged. So,” Becca replied, trying to
broach the subject, “what’s so wrong about that?”
“I think I’m still in love with Ryan.”
“Think?” Becca questioned.
“I know. I know that I still love him.”
“Well, what are you going to do about it?”
“I don’t know....I just don’t know,” Gillian said, a rebellious tear
falling down.
“Okay,” Becca said, putting her hand on Gillian’s, “we’ll figure it
out. First things first, how does Ryan feel?”
“I don’t know. That’s the problem.”
“You were just with him,” Becca said.
“Yes. How did you know?”
“I watched him follow you outside.”
“So, you came to find us?”
“I thought Ryan might need some advise. I’ve been watching him
for a long time now, at the loft and around town. He’s miserable, Gillian.
I think you’re the reason why. What happened out here tonight?”
“He kissed me,” Gillian said. “And, I kissed him back. I couldn’t
stop myself, God help me.”
“But why, Gillian? Why does it have to be such a bad thing,
you’re wanting Ryan?”
“Because, he doesn’t love me. He only wants me now because he
knows he’s lost me to Jake. And, what about Jake? He’s a good man,
Becca. He’s kind, and honest, and trustworthy. Ryan can’t even make up
his mind about what - or who - he wants.”
“But, Gillian,” Becca said, carefully, “even if you don’t want to get
back together with Ryan - now or ever - do you think it’s really right for
you to marry Jake when you know you’re in love with someone else?”
“I can’t help loving Ryan,” Gillian said. “I’ve tried to fight it, but
I’ve come to realize he’s just a part of me that will always be there. But
that won’t stop me from being the best wife I can be to Jake. I know I can
make him happy.”
“Well, it sounds to me like you’ve already made you decision,
then,” Becca said.
“Yes,” Gillian said, realizing that, even after Ryan’s kisses, her
resolve to marry Jake was still firm. “I guess I have.”
“But,” Becca said, “I hope it’s the decision from you heart.
Because no matter what else happens in your life, or what you stand to
lose, love is always the most important thing.”
Becca got up from the bench.
“It’s getting late,” she said. “It’s already after midnight.”
“I know,” Gillian said. “We heard.”
“Well, I’m going to go back now. Why don’t you come with me?”
“No,” Gillian answered. “I can’t. Not yet.”
“I’ll stay with you then.”
“No, that’s all right. You go ahead. I’ll be okay here by myself.”
“Are you sure, Gillian?”
“Yes. I’ll be fine, really.”
“Okay,” Becca said, starting to walk away, “but don’t stay out here
to much longer.”
Becca turned and left, and Gillian was alone again. She tipped her
head upward and looked at the stars. They seemed so far away. She
supposed her problems must seem tiny in comparison with the enormity of
the universe.....It was a new year, she thought. A new century. Another
chance to start out - all over again. And, for once in her life, to do the
right thing, to make the right choice.
She got up from the bench and starting walking back towards the
house. Suddenly, she felt a stirring behind her and could sense that she
was not alone. Turning, she found Jake standing there.
“I’ve been looking all over for you, Gillian,” he said. “What are
you doing out here?”
“Jake,” Gillian said. “I’m glad you’re here. There’s something I
need to tell you.”
~ Chapter 33 ~
“Gillian, what is it? What do you want to tell me?”
“Jake, I....” she said, trailing of.
“Gillian, you’ve been acting very strange, lately. I’ve got to be
honest with you, you’re starting to scare me,” he told her.
“Jake, I just.....I want us to get married,” Gillian exclaimed,
hurriedly.
Jake smiled and took her hand.
“I thought we already decided that.”
“We did,” she said. “But, I want us to get married now.”
“Right now?” he asked, joking.
“No, not right now. Tomorrow,” Gillian said. “I think we should
get married tomorrow.”
“Gillian, that’s - why?” he asked, incredulous. “We haven’t even
begun to make wedding plans.”
“I know. But Grandmama and Edmund will help us,” Gillian said,
determinedly. “And, besides, I don’t want a big wedding.....I just can’t
wait any longer, Jake.”
“Gillian, I don’t know.”
“Please, Jake. Please, just do this for me,” she begged, tears
beginning to form in her eyes.
“All right. If it will make you happy. I don’t care where or when
we get married - as long as we get married,” Jake said, reaching out to her.
Gillian sighed with relief.
“Are you sure you’re okay, Gillian?” he asked.
“Yes. I’m positive. In fact, I’m going to go tell Grandmama, right
now.”
*******************************
“So, Edmund,” Gillian said, “do you think you can help us?”
“Yes,” he answered, smiling, “I think we can make it happen. I’ll
start working on it first thing in the morning. Where do you want to have
the wedding?”
“Well, I know I don’t want to have it here in the chapel.”
“That’s understandable.”
“I was thinking about the Valley Inn, like Tad & Dixie’s
wedding.”
“Great,” Edmund said, hugging her. “I’m just glad you’re happy.
It looks like the party’s winding down. I’m going to go say goodnight to
some of the guests.”
Shortly after his departure, Gillian saw Becca approaching the
table.
“Becca,” she said.
“Hi, Gillian. I was just getting ready to go. But, I wanted to see
how you were doing before I left.”
“Perfect,” Gillian answered. “Everything’s just perfect. Jake and I
are getting married tomorrow.”
“Wow. That’s so soon.”
“Yes, well, I didn’t see any reason to postpone it.”
“What about Ryan?” Becca asked, lowering her voice.
“I was mistaken earlier, about my feelings for him. I was just
confused after our kiss - that’s all. Jake is the one I’m supposed to be
with. He’s the man I choose. He’s my destiny.”
“We don’t choose our destiny,” Becca said, gently.
“I’m choosing mine.”
“Well, then I hope you’re right,” Becca said, getting up to leave.
“I am,” Gillian said, smiling. “Don’t worry.”
“Goodnight, Gillian.”
Becca walked back to the dressing room to get her wrap. She
emerged several minutes later, and went into the main living room to find
Scott.
“Becca,” Ryan said, stopping her. “I saw you talking to Gillian.
How is she?”
“She’s all right, I suppose,” Becca said, carefully.
“I know you saw me follow her outside,” Ryan said. “When I left,
she wasn’t doing too well. I didn’t know if it was such a good idea to live
her all alone, but she insisted. And, I thought it was best that I do what
she asked.”
“Ryan,” Becca said, gently, “I don’t think there’s any easy way for
me to tell you this.”
“What? What is it, Becca? Is there something wrong with Gillian?”
“She’s marrying Jake - tomorrow.”
“What?” Ryan asked, stunned. “Why?”
“She’s confused,” Becca said.
“But, but why so soon?”
“I don’t know, Ryan,” Becca said.
Becca could tell that he was devastated. And she knew this wasn’t
what Gillian really wanted. If only there was some way to let him know
what Gillian had told her. But a promise was a promise. And they were
never meant to be broken - in any situation.
“Maybe,” she said, trying her best to give him a clue, “she wants to
hurry and get married before she changes her mind.”
Ryan studied her, confused.
“Just think about it,” Becca said.
Ryan nodded.
“Are you going to be okay alone?” she asked.
“Yeah. Yeah, you go ahead,” Ryan said, lost in thought.
Driving home that night, he couldn’t get Gillian, or the memory of
their kiss, out of his mind. After everything that happened between them,
there was always still the hope - no matter how small - that, someday, they
could work out their problems and give it one more try. But now he was
losing her forever.
~ Chapter 34 ~
It was six o’clock in the morning, and Ryan hadn’t gotten any sleep. He
spent the first three hours, since he got back to the loft, tossing and
turning. Finally, he just gave up and decided to take a walk in the park.
In a few short hours, Gillian would be waking up and starting to
prepare for her wedding. And there was nothing he could do about it. He
had his chances with her, and wasted everyone of them. He had thrown
her love away, and he deserved what he got. He supposed it was karma -
what goes around comes around.
Ryan sat down on a bench, his thoughts turning to Jake, and what
was going through his mind right now. He knew exactly how Jake must
be feeling. It was indescribable, just knowing that this perfect creature,
surely one of God’s missing angels, was in love with you and wanted to
spend the rest of her life just being with you. Ryan had known that feeling
once in his life, during the short time - exactly a year ago - when he and
Gillian had finally admitted their feelings and given in to their love.
Staring off into the distance, Ryan let his mind wander. But over
and over again, it returned to the same place - Gillian.
“My God,” he shouted off into the horizon, “how did I let this
happen?! How did I screw this up so badly?!”
Ryan had always known he would mess things up with Gillian.
Somehow, he’d end up hurting her. That’s why he had to leave to begin
with. He hadn’t wanted to leave her then. He just knew she deserved
better. He’d only hurt her..........But he never did. When they were
together, and happy, for those few brief moments, he would’ve died
before he let any harm come to her. No, he never would - never did - hurt
her....until he walked away. All the things he did to hurt her, all the pain
and misery he caused her, came after he left her - because he left her.
The realization hit Ryan like a ton of bricks. He would never hurt
Gillian. He knew he never could. That was just an excuse, an excuse to
allow him to run away, to make it easy for him to be a coward. And, the
further away he ran, the easier it got - until he ran too far.
It was as if their souls were tied together, and he could run, and he
could hide, but he could only get so far before the rope reached it’s
breaking point. Then, he’d feel the tug at his heart, and he had to return to
her, because that’s were he belonged. And he knew it. Deep down, he
always knew it. Maybe that’s why he ran away.
She completed him, but to need someone, to love someone, that
much was terrifying. Yet, he knew, that she was the missing piece of the
puzzle. Without her, he could never be whole. He needed her.
Ryan suddenly realized, he loved her. Still, after all this time, he
loved her. He had never stopped loving her. And he knew that, no matter
what happened, for the rest of his life - and beyond - he always would love
her. And he needed her, just to survive.
Ryan’s mind was flooded with memories of their life together, all
their best and worst times. But, through it all, they had a love that
nothing could destroy. And that was a gift he couldn’t, and wouldn’t,
ignore any longer.
I’m looking back through the years, down this highway.
Memories, they all lead up to this one day.
And many dreams lost along the way haunt me still.
I guess they always will.
When love was too much to bear, I just left it there.
Here I stand, face to face, with this heart of mine.
Living without you I only fall behind.
We had a love most people never find.
All this time, I never realized.
And the courage I finally found has made me turn around.
Ryan could feel tears stinging the back of his eyes. He loved her,
with all his heart and soul. She was a part of him, and there was nothing
he could do to change that. But, he didn’t want to. He only wanted her. He
had to tell her. Somehow, some way, he had to make her see how much
he loved her - how much they were destined to be together.
And, all this time, he worried that he wasn’t good enough. He’d
thought that she deserved better. He was sure that he had nothing to give
her. But, he was wrong. He could give her a love, so pure, so strong, so
complete. He could give her the same gift she gave him - complete and
utter happiness.
Various scenes of the life flashed before him: their wedding day;
the explosion at holidays; the day Mr. Pinkerton came to tell him he was
finally free, only to realize that he never wanted to be; Christmas Eve,
when they made love all night long; holding her in his arms at the Crystal
Ball, knowing that even as his world crashed in around him, as long as he
had Gillian, it was okay; the days when they were on the run together, the
two of them against the world; even when he was all alone, locked up in a
jail cell, it was the memories of her love that kept him alive; then, the
night at the boarding house, when he took her in his arms and held her
after she’d had a bad dream; at the opening of SOS, when he danced with
her, and kissed her passionately, only to agree to a divorce; and later that
night, when he brought her home, giddy and very intoxicated, and he knew
then, when he looked at her, that he could never love another woman.
Throwing all of that away, for whatever reason, was the biggest
mistake of his life.
I can still hear the song of your laughter.
I can still taste the sorrow of your tears.
We said goodbye, but our hearts did not hear.
Now, my love, there’s nothing left to fear.
With all my heart’s put me through, it leads me back to you.
There is only one road I’m walking.
Only one lifetime. One heart to guide me.
Only one road I’m walking.
But I’m gonna run back. I’m gonna run back.
‘Cause I need you right here, beside me.
No matter what Gillian said, Ryan knew that she still loved him.
She felt the intensity of their love, of that tie between them, just as much
as he did. He just had to make her remember - and admit it.
Ryan knew he was taking a huge risk, after all this time, to
suddenly declare his love. But, he didn’t care. He knew now what he
needed to do, and nothing could change his mind. He had to stop the
wedding.
“Only One Road”
Celine Dion