We're all aquainted with G. Gordon Liddy the convicted Watergate felon, G. Gordon Liddy the paranoid and reactionary radio host, and G. Gordon Liddy the actor. But few people are aware of a side of this right wing extremist that he's tried to keep secret until now: G. Gordon Liddy, voracious consumer of BALLS. So come with me as we view Mr. Liddy's life in a whole new light, and you'll understand why the "G" in G-Man stands for "gonads."
now, most people know that when G. Gordon Liddy was young, he cured himself
of a childhood fear of rats by taking a rat that his cat had killed, roasting
it over a pile of burning twigs and eating it. This was all related
in his autobiography, Will.
However, most people don't know that the original text reads: "...with
a scout knife, I skinned, then cut off and ate the roasted haunches and
of the (rat's) carcass. The meat of the haunches was tasteless and
stringy. But those BALLS! As I crushed those succulent genitals
between my teeth, I felt a surge of power course through my body that I'd
never felt before. The combination of my own saliva mingling with
rat testosterone created such a surge of divine strength that in those
moments, I felt I was a god!!!!!!" Liddy's editor later advised
him to rewrite this section for the final draft because he felt it was
"just too cat-damn weird."
This rare photograph was taken the night before Mr. Liddy burst his appendix during a sit-up contest--an injury that prevent him from taking part in combat during the Korean War. Despondent at first, G. Gordon Liddy soon discovered that a military hospital at night is practically the Old Country Buffet of ball eating. Disciplinary records from that time were destroyed by the CIA, but it's been learned thatduring the period of time that Liddy was recovering in that particular hospital, physicians were performing emergency implantations of prosthetic testicles in patients at triple their normal rate .
his military service, Liddy became a lawyer and began to work for the FBI,
where he developed the ability to burn his hand over a candle without flinching.
However, he wasn't able to utilize his carefully honed Ball Snatching skills
until he was given the opportunity to join CREEP ( the
to Ravenously Excise and Eat the President's
balls). Poor Richard Nixon thought that Liddy's activities were aimed
at getting him re-elected, when in actuality, the plan was for the Cubans
(who were ostensibly hired for intelligence activities) to storm the Oval
Office on inauguration day and subdue the President and Vice President
in order to allow G. Gordon Liddy to devour what was undoubtedly the most
powerful set of testicles in the free world (it was also decided that Spiro Agnew's
balls would be divided between John Mitchell and Alexander Haig). Nixon
may have lost his job, his integrity, and the principals of pacifism and
temperance that his religion dictated, but at least he still had his nuts.
Many people live under the mistaken impression that G. Gordon Liddy holds John Dean in the highest contempt. In fact, although Liddy has rid himself of the fear of eating diseased rats, self mutilation, and federal prison, there are still two things that Liddy fears from the bottom of his soul: being the target of criticism in a "This Modern World" comic strip (drawn by the skilled and sardonic Tom Tomorrow), and being in a room alone with John Dean. In his autobiography, Will, Liddy wrote about an incident in which he was taken to Watergate prosecutor James Neal's office for an interview in October of 1974 and accidently left alone in the office with John Dean. Liddy went on to claim that he thought about killing Dean with a pencil, and that Dean ran out of the office, terrified. However, the true story came out a number of years later in a Playboy interview:
Excerpt from the Playboy Interview:
|PLAYBOY: You've been alone with Dean only once since he
testified against the White House, and you've said that you contemplated
killing him then. How close did you actually come?
LIDDY: Oh, it was just a fleeting thought, now one of those sweet memories that one loves to treasure. My first thought when I saw Dean sitting behind the desk was that here was the ideal opportunity to kill the bastard. I saw a pencil on the desk and all it would take was a quick thrust through the underside of his jaw, up through the soft palate and deep inside the brain. But then I realized that I was feeling kind of hungry, and Dean, though traitor to his country, had a set of balls on him that would feed a starving family for days. So instead, I grabbed the pencil with the full intent of plunging it into the soft flesh of his scrotum and twisting it until his scrumptious gonads were pierced like chunks of lamb on a shish kabob skewer.
PLAYBOY: But that wasn't what ended up happening, was it?
LIDDY: Well, I expected Dean to scurry out of the room like a frightened little mouse. Instead he roared up, ripped the pencil out of my hand and went for MY balls the way a Charles Dickens orphan goes after gruel. His testicular appetite was a horrible, fearsome thing. I've never experienced such an intense fear in my life as when I saw John Dean stalking my manhood with spittle dripping from his fangs. I ducked and hid under the desk, holding my yarbles for dear life while Dean pummeled the desk with his fists, splintering the wood. It took five federal marshals to subdue Dean and drag him away, and when they did, I was so relieved that I collapsed into the waiting arms of Henry Kissinger and sobbed like a day-old infant.
Despite such public slip-ups like the Playboy interview, public knowledge of Liddy's addiction to eating balls was not widespread. Thus, for a long time, the American people simply knew G. Gordon Liddy as a simple, quiet man who enjoyed such wholesome pursuits as planning political assassinations, holding his hand over lit candles until the flesh bubbled, and marching naked down federal prison catwalks singing "Horst Wessel." He found success as an extremist right wing radio host, and nobody ever questioned it when he'd announce from time to time, "We're going to pause for a station break and a light snack," only to come back on the air with the quiet but unmistakable sound of males weeping in the background. He even got his own calendar going, "Stacked and Packed," which features dangerous firearms photographed with the world's most beautiful "women" (see the above photo of one of the many male models who fell victim to Liddy's double edged need for calendar models and scrotally enhanced meals). However, Liddy's testicular vice was finally made public when Larry King exposed his horrendous secret on a recent episode of "Larry King Live."
|This could have been the end of G. Gordon Liddy's illustrious radio career, but he found an unexpected ally in, of all people, former New York City Mayor Ed Koch:|
I watched this broadcast in horror, realizing that nobody was ever going to force this man to answer for his decades of culinary castrations. A new generation of American men would be at risk of losing their balls to the horrific appetites of G. Gordon Liddy.
How do I know this? More than ten years ago, I had some legal problems of my own involving government corruption at the highest level. Needing advice on how to successfully stonewall any inquiries designed at learning the truth, I visited G. Gordon Liddy to learn from the master. But instead of giving me words of wisdom and encouragement, Liddy pounced on me the minute I entered his office and, without any preamble, tore off my hot pink vinyl underwear, and devoured my balls, my precious, precious balls. Sure, maybe my testicles were shriveled and dead after years of misuse, but they were MINE, and G. Gordon Liddy had no right to turn them into a mid-day snack!
So in the interest of justice and, quite frankly, sweet, sweet revenge, I've assembled this page to expose G. Gordon Liddy for what he is: An dangerous, out of control, unstoppable BALL EATER! Read and be warned!
Colnel Oliver North
I have bravely revealed the G-man's terrible secret to enlightened people.
Want to learn more about the ball eaters of the world? (and literature and history and all that other stuff?) Read a book! Click below to go book shopping from the comfort of your own workstation (and to help me earn a little extra moolah!) :)
Most of the pictures used in this site were, ahem, acquired from the G. Gordon Liddy: Actor! page. This is a terrific page detailing his Oscar worthy performances in such shows as Miami Vice, Airwolf, and Matlock. There are also links to photograph sites, and comic strips involving the Gonads Man.
In my extensive "research" for this site, I came across a web site for a band called The G. Gordon Liddy's. Not only do they have a humorous name, they've got some terrific songs available in Real Audio format, as well as a CD for sale. You can visit their citation at Unsigned Radio here, or visit their official hompage here. You should check this out; they're a great sounding band!
This page was made using Netscape Composer, Paint, Microsoft Photo Editor, and Microsoft Word. Like you really give a rat's haunch (no pun intended. Well, all right, it was intended.)
Last update: Wednesday September 15, 1999
Obviously, this page is just a joke, I have no direct knowledge of G. Gordon Liddy's dietary habits as they pertain to genitalia; he might abstain from all reproductive related food items, or he might not stop at the balls for all I know. Yes, I have read Will in its entirety, and I've come to the conclusion that he holds some rather frightening personal philosophies, and that many, if not most, of the political philosophies described in G. Gordon Liddy's book and on his web site are reprehensive, offensive, and in some cases, just plain wrong. I've read countless quotations to the effect of, "Even if you don't agree with G. Gordon Liddy, you have to admire his honesty and integrity," but I feel that's a weak justification. Honesty in and of itself is honorable, but just because a person is truthful about his or her ideas doesn't mean that those ideas are admirable.
But before I climb up on the soapbox...this site obviously isn't a forum for
serious political criticism, but rather a celebration of crude humor in
it's crassest form, and G. Gordon Liddy just happens to be my target.
Anybody who is seriously offended by this page's depiction of G.
Gordon Liddy is cordially invited to get on their knees and bite my shiny
metal ass (to paraphrase "Futurama's" Bender.) Or you can send hate mail