journal archives | February

February 13, 2001

I've created this online journal in an attempt to regain some sanity. I do not expect anyone to reply to my babbling, but rather relate to it in some way or another. Maybe somewhere in this bleak world around us, I will entice someone to realize they are not alone. I will attempt to save the dignity of others by changing names if necessary.
So if I know you; stop reading then leave and never come back. You have no idea what it's like when people you know think you're psychotic (or maybe you do). But to save time and space, I will only place four entries on here at a time. Perhaps I will create a journal archive in the future, but for now bear with me.
Good riddance.
~KasarA~

February 19, 2001

All the shit-faced grins; you already judged me, and you don't even fucking care. Go to hell, I will see you there. But we all know there is no hell. It was made for the god-fearing Christians to fear something else so they would love god, and not want to go to hell. But since there is no hell, I will see you where you end up. And I will write you a letter to note how much you don't matter to the world. I will matter, I will live on. You can't stop what has already begun. Fuck off, I am not sane right now - and I LOVE IT.
~KasarA~

February 20, 2001

These past few weeks have deprived me of my sanity. I've gone stir crazy in this empty house ever since some lousy punk kids decided to welcome themselves into my home and take all my belongings on Valentine's Day. It's sad how one can rely on electronics with such a passion. I'm not one to mourn over technology - in fact, I believe it is the destructive force behind mans near future extinction. But I must admit, I do miss my stereo and guitar. HERE I COME BRAND NEW IBANEZ RG 170!!! Meow...
~KasarA~

March 16, 2001

I told my mother the other day that I've been suffering with some sort of depression disorder since I was 12, so she booked me a doctor's appointment so he/she can refer me to a psychiatrist. I feel relieved but at the same time unsatisfied. I'm glad that I'll finally get some of the help I need - and I know this is sick, but I want to go through with the torment and depression even more so. I want to be fucked up, I want to make my life a living hell. Maybe that's a disorder in itself, but whatever it is, I think I'm sordidly in for some rough psychiatric evaluations. I'm scared what the outcome will be. Maybe I'm better off not knowing what is wrong with my head, maybe then I'll be content with the unknown mystery that is my mind. I wish I could be like you (whoever is reading this) then I would know what a sane person is really like. But then again, if I were you - I'd kill myself. Most people live in their happy go lucky worlds and haven't even tasted what it's like to be on the outside, which us insane people call reality. Go ahead and feed your mind with lies, it'll only leave us triumphant in the end. Go ahead and spread your legs - give birth to a brand new generation of ignorance.
How ridiculous and what a stranger he is who is surprised at anything which happens in life.
~KasarA~

April 16, 2001

It was the incessant ringing of the telephone that woke me up early this morning. Perhaps it did not know my pain, perhaps it never throttled the idea that I was at least trying to lie fast asleep in my comfortable bed. It rang not once, not twice - but seven incredulously mind shattering times. This continued on for a half hour; whoever this maniac was, he/she wasn't giving up. The phone continued to ring and I proceeded to cringe until at last I could not tolerate it any longer. I rose from my bed and stumbled towards the telephone; I stared at that telephone straight in the eyes; it laughed at me and taunted every bit of anger in my soul. The number on the screen said long distance and I felt no remorse as I lifted the reciever and screamed into it: Stop it! Just fuck off and let me sleep! ........... There was a long pause on the other line... ::BEEEEEEEP:: It was then I realized the monster on the other end was the fax machine my mother's boyfriend had installed only days earlier. Damn it to hell! One day I'LL be the one on the other end laughing at you.
~KasarA~
Edited by KasarA on April 23, 2001

April 23, 2001

My hair is green. It was supposed to be blue but it turned emerald green. Oh well... I happen to like it. My mother however, would like to place me on a towel rack since I so conveniently match with the bathroom's turquoise hues. Perhaps I will sneak into the school's chem lab to grab a few dangerous chemicals and pretend I am a plant. Hey, it might work... you never know. I could use some highly flammable magnesium anyhow. Send me a picture of yourself if you have brightly coloured hair... y'know, the un-natural kind. I want some cool ideas for things to do with my hair in the near future; I'm running out of ideas.
~KasarA~

May 09, 2001

Do I not deserve the respect I crave so dearly? Am I so fucking meaningless to the people whom I love in this world that they must disregard every emotion within my aching soul? It shouldn't matter how ridiculous the other person thinks your reasons for feeling the way you do are; the only thing that should matter is that they are your own feelings, you can't change them and people just have to learn to accept them whether they think they are right or wrong. This is me, love me or leave me. But never try to change me or you'll lose me forever. Would you rather I change and be unhappy just so you can feed your selfishness by spiting me and saying, "I told you so"? Couldn't you just love me for who I am and not worry about the small things that really don't make a difference? I am so sick of people telling me that I'll bring everybody down if I do this or that. Well y'know what? I'm responsible for myself, not the 50 other people around me that can easily think for themselves without being influenced my me. Take a good look at yourself in the mirror and really think about that one glorious moment you've gained by telling someone else who loves you that they aren't good enough. Go find someone else who can fulfill that one little need and rub it in my face, go ahead. But don't you dare come crawling back to me once you've realized I'm the only one who can give you everything else you need. Has it really been that painful being with me this long? God I love you.
~KasarA~

June 07, 2001

I remember reading this little story a long time ago. It's about this man who was so consumed by hate,
animosity, anger and pain. He analyzed himself and realized he was a mouse (in thought). He wanted to get revenge that was a thousand times greater than the pain he felt. It was impossible, but he tried anyway. It failed. Everyone laughed at him. He curled up into his hole and hid from the world where he died and never lived his life. I don't want this to be me. I have become so anti-social that it's beginning to become impossible to go back to what it used to be. And it's my fault. I've barely ever made any effort to save what was once; it's because I stopped giving a shit. Why do I do this to myself?
~KasarA~

June 30, 2001

Things have been good. School is finally over and I barely passed my grade ten year. I haven't seen my
marks yet, but that's because I "accidentally" forgot to go pick them up this morning. Like I need my mom
riding my ass all summer - she's already been harassing me to get a job. The last thing I want her to do is
cry over me because her 85% average daughter has sunk to a mediocre 60% average. What's with
parents? Do they expect us to change the world? Honestly, I'd rather have a cigarette...
On a different note, I am on good terms with my now ex-boyfriend. If you were here a week ago, you
probably read all that nasty shit about the break up on my main page. I erased it to save some of the dignity he might have had left. But yeah, if you're reading Ivan - I meant what I said but I'll put this behind us. But I swear to god if you bring that nasty Colleen anywhere near me I'll have to puke on both of you. ::hiss:: ...fucking catholic yuppie prep girl. I am insane and she is my insanity.... Fuck I want some ass. You didn't hear it from me.
~KasarA~

July 08, 2001

Oops... I'm sorry Colleen; I must have been on crack when I wrote that. Honestly, I really don't care what
anyone thinks about me anyways. I mean, school's over and I don't want to deal with people harrasing me. But if you're reading and really want to know exactly how I feel about you, here goes... okay, I don't hate you. But I won't lie to you, you're just not the kind of person I'd like to be around for long periods of time. We're just way too different and I can never consider you a friend. Let's just leave it at "acquaintance". Okay? You're a nice girl, I was just saying that if you and Ivan start "hanging out", I can't be around because you just carry this "giddy" vibe with you that makes me want to scratch somebody's eyes out. Well, now that I got that off my chest - I'd just like to say that I'm going to go get my tattoo touched up on the 23rd. Yay, finally... Canada day was freaking cold at the beach. It made me wonder why the hell Shane would run through the freezing cold water. I mean, the kid got hypothermia then walked through the bonfire thinking he'd warm up. Don't worry though; his feet are fine now - just a little black. Fuck I wanted to get drunker...
~KasarA~