| Jack Handy is my god!! These are the funniest quotes in the world.... |
| Deep thoughts by Jack Handy |
| Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out. |
| I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every cuture, is the story of popeye. |
| To me, boxing is like ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other. |
| To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad. |
| MORE COMING SOON |
| I'd rahter be rich than stupid |
| As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD |
| You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea. |
| Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done. |
| If you ever fall off the sears tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy. |
| Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing. |
| He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun." |
| If you're a young Mafia ganster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you. |
| If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming. |