Diary entry for Feb. 5th (i think) It seems i'm a liar, It's been nearly a month and a half since I've shed a tear. I don't know why I can't cry anymore, they don't listen. they crucify me. they throw their stones I walk away.  listen, listen to me, it seems i'm a liar, it seems I am fake. i called you a friend you called me a liar.  The stones they throw i do deserve.  i don't love, i don't serve.  And I don't have the nerve.  I lost, i lost.  I can't be real with anyone, and everything's a facade. Songs make me come close to tears.  guitars strings plucked, and strummed.  it seems i'm a liar. words that mean nothing.  and everything to someone somewhere.  "some are being born, some are being beaten and some can't tell  the difference anymore." i gave up everything when i walked away.  I gained me, and my self indulgence.  everything i do is for me, my friends that claim to "love" me are the ones that tell me how horrible of a person I am. tony paladino, and jen, and others tell me how selfish, mean, self serving, and horrible I am.  Tony thinks he's being a good friend, because friends do say hard things in love.  True friends will tell you the truth when you ask a question that may have a painful answer.  But i already know i'm selfish, and rude, and it hurts so bad when my "friends" tell me that "for my own good" My parents and sister used to tell me that i was kinda "chubby' or "fat" that i should try to lose weight.  they told me that for my own good, they didn't wanna see me hurt, but I knew, don't you guys think I know that i'm fat? I think about it everyday.  A few weeks ago I sat in a chinese restaurant with Tony Paladino and he informed me of how selfish I am,  and it hurt, It hurt to hear a friend say it, because I knew it. i hate myself, i know that i am a peice of crap, i know that i'm a liar, and i'm reckless with hearts.  BUT I DON"T NEED TO BE TOLD IT.  if someone has cancer, and they know it, and it hurts them and makes them cry to think about it when you see them do you say "hey cancer boy, how's it goin? ya gonna die soon"  NO