By K.K.
“Why don’t you sit down with us, Kevin?”
So far, so good. He’d broken the ice. She’d laughed at his jokes. She’d told him her name—Barbara.
Barbie would be more fitting, Kevin thought, and it would have been. Barbara was not only naturally beautiful, but anatomically perfect, just like the doll. Under her tight black sundress were long, athletic, deeply tanned legs. Narrow hips, a tight ass, practically no waistline, and high, firm breasts somewhere between large and ridiculous.
“…And this is my friend, Maria.” Said Kevin’s dream girl.
He hardly would have looked at the fat girl, but common courtesy dictated that he do so. Kevin snapped out of the spell of Barbara’s spellbinding blue eyes to look over at Maria.
“It’s really nice to meet you.” Maria said. There was an air of urgency in her voice, perhaps desperation, and Kevin momentarily felt like one of The Backstreet Boys meeting a lust-crazed fan. Looks like she hasn’t been laid since we bombed Iraq, he thought. She reached out a pudgy white hand that had a lot of gold rings and bracelets, and Kevin shook it. Her skin was warm, but far too soft. It felt like warm cottage cheese was covering his fingers.
“Ummm, likewise, Maria.” Kevin lied, because it wasn’t nice to meet her. It was never nice meeting “The Contingency Friend”, the larger or uglier girls cruelly used by the beautiful ones. If a certain guy didn’t meet the beautiful girl’s interest, he was subtly steered towards The Contingency Friend. If the beautiful girl didn’t feel like going anywhere else, or felt like leaving, she merely said she had to give The Contingency Friend a ride home. But to hell with it. He was going to get to Barbara, come hell or high water. Whatever it took. Let the good old American game of Getting Past The Fat Girl begin.
Maria’s eyes shone with interest, and her smile was as huge as the rest of her. She had to be pushing two hundred pounds, and at five-feet-nothing it couldn’t have been healthy. She was wearing a dress much like Barbara’s, but it seemed in danger of exploding at any moment. And where Barbara was outfitted simply with stud earrings, Maria wore all kinds of gold.
“So, what do you do?” Maria asked. Kevin looked from Barbara, who was suddenly conversationally bankrupt, to Maria. Oh, great. Looks like this play is gonna be a handoff, he thought.
“Construction.” Kevin said simply. “Right now I’m helping to build a new hospital outside Henderson.”
“Nice.” Maria said. “No wonder your arms are so big.”
“MACHO!” Barbara blurted, grinning. Kevin blushed, then flexed for comic relief.
“Hurrgghh!” He grunted. “Just call me ‘No-Neck McGurk’!” He said.
Maria signaled for the waitress. “And what is Mr. McGurk drinking?” She asked.
“Oh. MGD’s fine, I guess. Thanks.” He said. Here was a pleasant surprise; normally part of Getting Past The Fat Girl was buying her drinks as well as Dream Girl’s.
“I’ll get the next round.” Barbara said.
“And what might you do?” Kevin asked them.
“CAD.” Maria said.
“Couch potato.” Barbara said.
Kevin’s attention flickered between them, then finally settled on Barbara. “You don’t do anything?”
“I’ve got webcams all over my house. Guys pay me to watch TV naked.”
Kevin mis-timed a sip of his current beer and coughed it back out in shock, covering his mouth with his hand and sputtering for many more moments. The girls grinned at each other with an unspoken though of All-RIGHT! Did it AGAIN!
“Ahem. Well, that’s, umm, nice work if you can get it.” He finally commented.
“Oh yeah. Not a whole lot of excitement, but it pays the rent.”
Kevin imagined Barbara watching TV naked. And practicing Tae-Bo naked. And ironing naked. He was getting around to imagining her straddling him naked when he felt Maria’s gaze scrutinizing him. “Ah…I see. And CAD means, umm, Computer-Aided Design, right?”
“YES!” Maria shouted. “Got it in one!” She high-fived Barbara.
“Check out the big brain on Kev!” Barbara chirped.
Kevin smiled in spite of himself. There’s something funny about these two. But at least there’s something.
“Computer-assisted design, yeah.” Maria said. “But hey, six of one, half a dozen of the other…same thing.”
“Looks like it pays pretty well.” He said.
She shrugged, looked at her lady’s Rolex. “Depends on what you design.”
The waitress set down a beer for him and a mixed drink for Maria, but nothing for Barbara. Maria gave her a twenty, told her to keep it.
Kevin frowned. “You’re not having anything?”
Barbara smiled, and shook her head. Gorgeous blond curls flew. “Not yet. Wanna dance?”
“Sure, if you don’t mind my doing ‘The Whiteboy’.” Kevin said.
The girls both grinned. “GO WHITEBOY, GO WHITEBOY, IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY, GO WHITE BOY!” They cheered, and Kevin sputtered with
laughter. Barbara got up and led Kevin to the dance floor.
This, too, was inconsistent with ‘Contingency Friend’ tactics; usually the Beautiful Girl wouldn’t agree to dance until you bounty-hunted a male friend into dancing with the Fat Girl. But looking back, he saw Maria toast them with a good-natured smile. Nice girl, he thought.
Turning his attention back to Barbara, and busting his best Whiteboy moves,
he failed to see Maria toss a small amount of white powder into his beer.
The night gradually became something of a fantasy for Kevin. He’d been coming to Moose McGillicuddy’s nightclub since he’d moved to Las Vegas. It was across the street from UNLV and frequented by the city’s hottest women, but he hadn’t scored as often as he’d wanted to.
But now he was dancing with his dream woman, while her rich friend bought all the drinks for them. Barbara was arguably the best-looking woman he’d ever seen, also the friendliest, and the best dancer. She flirted without being sleazy, complimented him without overdoing it, laughed at his jokes and smiled continuously. She didn’t look at other guys, and politely rebuffed their attempts to ingratiate themselves with her.
Maria merely smiled and watched them, spoke whenever he spoke to her, and kept buying. He’d bought one round for them, Barbara had bought one, and Maria had bought all the others. She refused to let him buy any others.
Normally seven MGD’s in two and a half hours were a mild buzz for Kevin, but tonight he felt a little drunker than he should’ve been. A little high, too. Buzzing.
He was having a great time. So much so that he failed to notice certain things.
For example, even though the club was packed with hot lights and hotter bodies, Barbara didn’t drink anything. Not even water.
She’d used the phrase “I have no information on that” in response to several of Kevin’s small-talk questions. Kevin had merely shrugged, but Maria had glared at her when she’d said it.
And the last time they’d danced, Barbara was still tireless after five songs. Kevin cried uncle needing another beer. She’d agreed. Staggering off the dance floor, he opened his shirt a bit to fan the sweat off his chest, and felt Barbara’s cool, smooth hand caress him briefly. It’d been just his chest, but he wouldn’t have minded if she slid that cool smooth hand down his pants in front of God and everybody.
She smiled, took her hand away, locked it around his, and led him back to Maria’s table. She had a frosty cold new bottle of MGD waiting for him.
Barbara let go of his hand to sit back down by Maria’s side. Her cool, smooth hand, like the rest of her cool, smooth skin, only had one drop of sweat on it. And it was Kevin’s.
He was officially drunk when he noticed the club beginning to thin out. Checking his watch, he saw it was past one. Neither Barbara nor Maria seemed in a hurry to leave, though.
He excused himself to stagger to the bathroom, wondering what to do. How do I get past the fat girl? He thought. These two seemed to be joined at the hip. In the last twenty minutes, Barbara had expertly massaged his shoulders, and slid a deliberate hand down his thigh. But she had made no other moves or innuendos. Kevin had to make a move of his own now if he wanted to split them up and get her back to his place.
Gotta get past the fat girl…
But his head was spinning, he felt double vision beginning. Impossible, he thought. I never get this drunk.
After draining himself, he splashed cool water on his face and finger-combed his hair. Concentration returned for a moment…and something like chivalry. Look, you’re drunk, but she’s interested. Cool it. Get her number, call her, ask her out. That’s how to get past the fat girl.
It was just as well; he couldn’t seem to think of any good lines anyway.
He staggered back to the table, and sat down heavily. “So, umm, look…”
“Boy, I hope you don’t think you’re driving!” Maria said.
“You’d better let us take you home.” Barbara said.
He shrugged, nodded and yawned. “Umm…whose home?”
Barbara’s permanent grin seemed to blind him. “Whose would you like?”
His eyes widened, then began to close. “Wouldn’t…mind…seein’…all…those
Webcams…” He muttered, and the tabletop was coming up fast.
He woke up on a soft couch of suede. The room was dimly lit, but he could see it was richly furnished and decorated by and for women. He blinked rapidly and his mind climbed the ladder of events that’d brought him here. Barbara’s place…
As his eyes adjusted to the light, he saw he was still clothed. The blinds on the windows were slightly parted to reveal it was still night outside, but not for long.
Shifting his eyes farther to the right, he saw Barbara seated on a loveseat a few yards away.
There was a wretched taste in his mouth.
“Barbara?” He croaked.
She didn’t respond. She sat quietly, not moving, still wearing the same sundress.
A few yards away, from the kitchen, he heard a teakettle begin shrieking. There was a scraping sound, a pouring sound. Must be Maria, he thought.
He slid to a half-seated position, his head spinning. Maybe Barbara was asleep.
But who the hell sleeps sitting up?
A light went on in the kitchen, and a silhouette waddled around the corner that could only be Maria. She was wearing a robe and carrying a tray, but Kevin barely noticed. His heart rate was accelerating as he called Barbara’s name again and she didn’t respond.
“Ah, you’re awake.” Maria said, setting the tray down on the coffee table between the sofa and loveseat.
“Mmm…Hiya…Listen, I think there’s—“
“Here’s some coffee, mineral water, aspirin…” Maria indicated the tray.
“---Somethin’ wrong with Barbara.” He said. And looking at her again, sitting stock-still, his pulse quickened again.
“She’s okay. How do you feel?” She asked quietly, laying that pudgy, cool hand on the side of his head.
“I’m okay…hang on, let me—“ He got up, and Maria took a step back out of his way.
He got close to Barbara, whose big beautiful blue eyes were staring straight ahead, focused on nothing.
She didn’t seem to be breathing.
“She’s not breathing…call an ambulance!” Kevin said.
“She’s fine, I’m telling you. Relax. Have some coffee.” Maria said. She moved
to the doorway and began pressing buttons on a wall-mounted control panel of some kind.
Kevin was having none of this ‘She’s fine’ shit. He seized Barbara by the shoulders and shook her, gently at first, then a bit more forcefully when she still didn’t respond. He called her name over and over, but she still stared straight ahead, right through him and past him.
He became conscious of three things: One, that she didn’t flop or wiggle like an unconscious girl might. Her arms and head swayed slightly, but that was all. Two, that she was much heavier, and her skin and muscles seemingly much harder than they had a right to.
Three, that although she wasn’t breathing or moving, she did seem to be…
Vibrating, slightly, deep inside her body.
“Barbara! C’mon, baby. Wake up. Breathe. DO something!” He cried, on the edge of panic. Incredibly, he heard Maria giggling as she sat down on the couch he’d left. “I said to call an ambulance, damnit!”
“And I said she was fine!” Maria snapped. She saw what Kevin was about to do, and urgency leapt into her voice. “No! Don’t give her mouth-to-mou—“
It was all Kevin heard as his lips closed over Barbara’s. A shockwave slammed through him and he convulsed against her, feeling the saliva on his lips dry instantly. From somewhere far away he heard Maria grunt with effort as she tried to push him away with a pillow.
Then Kevin was on the floor, looking up at her. His lips trembled with shock. The wind had been knocked out of him. He tried to form words, and couldn’t.
Maria shook her head with a small, snide grin, then fell upon him. Her thin lips closed over his. He was powerless to resist her. She kissed him fiercely, her lips fairly crushing against his as her tongue darted inside him. As he fought for breath, he recalled the urgency, the desperation in her voice as she’d greeted him earlier, and recalled thinking Looks like she hasn’t been laid since we bombed Iraq…
Her pudgy hand reached down, questing between his legs. Pressure built up inside his chest; he still couldn’t breathe. He began making choking sounds, found he could finally move his arms, and seized her by the shoulders, forcing her off of him.
“Can’t—BREATHE!” He gasped.
The words cut through her lust. She reared up, crouching above him, blushing. “Oh. Sorry. I get carried away sometimes.” She hovered over him until he started breathing again, then got up and sat next to Barbara on the couch.
“Urrgghh! What the hell did she hit me with?” He gasped.
“’Bout seventy volts. You’re lucky she’s recharging. She could’ve thrown you across the room.” Maria said matter-of-factly, and dabbed at Barbara’s dry, slightly parted lips with the sleeve of her robe. “Normally she’s pretty safe, but just let a little trickle of spit get in there, and it can close a circuit. Zap! Instant shock treatment.”
Maria looked from Barbara to Kevin, and considered the look of raw confusion in his eyes. At length, she grinned.
Then she slapped Barbara across the face, hard.
Twice more, harder.
“Barbara! Yo, Barbie! Earth to Barbie? Come in!” Maria said.
Still no response.
“Hmmm. This should get her attention…” Maria said, and grabbed Barbara’s breasts around where the nipples should have been and twisted savagely.
“Don’t!” Kevin cried in horror, and Maria dutifully let go. But there was still no response from Barbara.
Understanding crested and broke over Kevin like a tidal wave from a frozen sea. He’d heard Maria use the word recharging, but it was only registering now, as he scuttled backwards on the floor like a crab, trying to put some distance between himself and Maria and…what?
“OhmiGod…No. It’s impossible.” Kevin croaked feebly.
Maria clucked her tongue. “Oh, ye of little faith…” She paused to stroke Barbara’s perfect blonde hair. “You know, I thought it’d be impossible myself at first. I mean, balancing the chassis and getting the skin texture right was damn tough. But the vocal response system was a real bitch. I mean the first Barbara was a deafmute, and that seemed to work okay for a while, but what do you know? Some of you guys actually want to have conversations. I was amazed. So, back to the old drawing board. You remember when she’d say, “I have no information on that?”
That was her way of saying ‘I don’t know’. At first, she was just supposed to shrug and giggle and toss her hair, but that seemed to be too…blonde, y’know?” Maria chuckled.
Kevin had stopped scuttling backwards now. He settled for just shaking his head.
It’s an act. They’re actresses, that’s all. Fucking stand-up comediennes pretending to do a human ventriloquism act. Barbara’s just really, really GOOD at this, and she had a stun-gun hidden on her somewhere....
Maria sighed. “Okay. I know. A little too much information at once. Tell you what, let’s put you back in familiar territory.” Her hand reached behind Barbara’s head, and into her perfect hair.
Suddenly, Barbara sat up straight and smiled. There was a light in her big beautiful blue eyes once more, but to Kevin it was not so much a spark of consciousness and intellect as it was a pilot light on a walking stove.
Her eyes focused on him. “Whoa, check out Kev, on the floor! Ready for action! What, too many MGDs, or did Maria give you her patented flying lip-lock?” The voice was sweet as honey, but Kevin eerily expected to hear “This is a recording…”
“You’re not a machine. Please tell me you’re not a machine.” He gasped.
Barbara shrugged, and giggled, and tossed her perfect blonde hair. “I have no information on that…”
Maria giggled along with her. “Barbara, Kevin’s having trouble getting up—“
“Geez, he seems kinda young to need Viagra…” Barbara said.
“No, ya ditz, not getting IT up, I mean getting up. Give him a hand—“
Barbara got up off the couch, looming over Kevin with a smile. Her hands reached down to him.
“—job.” Maria finished.
Barbara still smiled, but her hands changed direction.
Kevin lurched upwards desperately, but Barbara was too close. Her cool, tender hands seized him with a gentle yet implacable strength. He tried to move, but the one hand on his shoulder was sufficient to hold him to the floor like a pin through a butterfly. Her other hand easily ripped the front of his pants away, and he froze with the terror of making the wrong moving and getting emasculated for it.
Her cool, tender hand was on him now. Its touch was suprisingly nice. What wasn’t nice was the storm in his brain, sanity and sex drive battling it out over control of his brain and nerves. Incredibly, he was beginning to respond to her/its touch. “Mmmmm!” Barbara purred. “We’re a big boy now, aren’t we, Kev?”
“God…tell it to go easy. Please.” He choked to Maria.
Maria snorted. “I’m not God. Not yet, anyway. And she is going easy, don’t you think?” Maria watched her creation move, and unconsciously licked her lower lip. Her hand went inside her robe, straightening herself, perhaps for a bit longer than necessary. “Now, if I said otherwise, it could get ugly. The last guy took a swing at her, ended up breaking every bone in his hand. He still wanted to play rough, you believe that? Even when Barbie can lift a car, and I’m pretty good with a bat myself.
He looked like a car crash victim afterwards, and he was drunk, so it was easy to set up. Probably doesn’t even remember what happened.”
“Mmmmm!” We’re a big boy now, aren’t we, Kev?” Barbara repeated with the same eerie purr. Her hand pumped him easily, expertly. It was the point where Kevin would have asked a normal girl to go down on him, but he remembered the electric shock…
“Th-this is rape.” He said thickly.
Barbara stopped. She did not release him, but she stopped.
“Is it, now? You do recall us asking you whose house you wanted to go to, right?” Maria said, no longer looking him in the eye, but below the waist. There was a thin string of saliva between her lips. “If you’d have said ‘My house’, you’d be home alone right now. But you said…Barbara, give us the playback, will you?”
“Wouldn’t…mind…seein’…those…webcams…” Came from Barbara’s mouth, with the full ambience of the bar.
If there was any hope of this being some crazy hoax, of Barbara’s being human, it vanished then. And as if the playback seemed to justify it, Barbara’s hand started again.
“What are you going to do to me?” Kevin grunted thickly.
Maria sighed and slid off the couch, kneeling before him. “Make you happy, I hope. If you’ll do something for me…” She slid the bathrobe down around her shoulders. Her breasts were large, but pale and shot through with thin blue veins. Past her breasts, her bloated flesh kept going, and growing. She looked down at herself and sighed.
“Okay, I’m not Pamela freakin’ Anderson. Before I designed Barbara, I was alone. Not just alone, but practically invisible ‘cause I’m heavy…” She let her voice trail off as she knelt close to Kevin and took him inside her mouth.
He gasped, both with sensation and realization “So Barbara’s…bait?!” He blurted.
“I beg your pardon?!” Barbara said, but kept moving her hand. Between her and Maria, the movements seemed practiced. And he had to admit, it felt pretty good.
Maria took her mouth away. “Good GOD, no! That’s like calling Caesar’s Palace a motel! She’s a bodyguard, an assistant, a friend! She’s going to revolutionize the world!” She spat righteously. Color was seeping into her cheeks.
“But you do use her as bait.” He sighed, closing his eyes. Barbara’s hand was cool and tireless. His earlier panic faded under new rationalizations: some guys use dolls to get off, don’t they? No commandment against that, is there?
Maria evaded the question. She tasted him again, then rose. “She’s able to have sex, too, you know. As long as you use a non-lubricated condom, you won’t get shocked. You can have her…right after me.” She told Barbara to massage Kevin’s chest, which was obviously a ruse to hold him down while Maria mounted him.
He opened his eyes, saw Maria’s body, closed them again. Mmmmm…any port in a storm…maybe if she worked out, dieted…Hell, she IS rich, anyway…
“Maria…Barbara doesn’t need to hold me down. You can turn her off again if you want to.” He said.
“You’re lying. As soon as she lets you up you’re gonna jump for the door.”
“Are you kidding? I haven’t come yet. Neither have you. You can kiss me, you know.” Kevin said quietly. Unfortunately, he didn’t name who could kiss him, and both woman and machine clunked their heads together as they sought his lips. They both laughed, a musical sound, and Maria gently reached behind Barbara’s head and turned her off. The perfect blonde head sank to the floor, inert.
Kevin leaned up and kissed her, tasting real saliva and passion. He held Maria close, feeling the warmth of her genuine human skin. And he forgot all about Getting Past The Fat Girl, concentrating on getting INTO the Real Girl.
And with the exception of one member of the menage-a-trois, who simply functioned, they all lived happily ever after.
K.K. (Ken Kupstis) is the author of CLOWNWHITE: A COMEDY OF HORRORS, the collection INHUMAN RESOURCES and its Audio-CD, THIS WON'T HURT A BIT. His short fiction has been published in CHIC, INTO THE DARKNESS, FLORIDA MAGAZINE, CREATIO EX NIHILO, THE ORLANDO SENTINEL, APRICORN ANTHOLOGY, THE MERIDEN RECORD JOURNAL and others. As an actor, he appears in the films GO, BIOHAZARD: THE ALIEN FORCE, IMMORTAL, and numerous stage productions. He lives in Florida and can be contacted through www.kk.actorsite.com or www.authorsden.com/kenkupstis.