1. Right off the bat, the worst ever Simpsons episode is?
 
E-I-E-I-[annoyed grunt], known popularly as the Tomacco episode. Horribly
scripted, ludicrous in the worst possible sense, and only one funny line
("That car was made in Guatemala!") Episodes like this make The Family Guy
look appealing. Worst. Episode. Ever.
 
2. Could you explain the people who will read this, what a humour columnist
is?
 
To the people reading this, probably not. But to everyone else, a humour
columnist is not quite a journalist, because you don't need any facts, but
not quite a writer, because you're being published in a newspaper. So to
answer your question I don't know.
 
3. What is the back-story about how you got your spot as a columnist for
HERE magazine?
 
There is no back story, I'm afraid. I got tired of working at the Saint John
Times Globe because I'd been there for four years, so I moved to the paper
run by my friend Mark Leger. But since no one cares about that let's just
say I did it for love.
 
4. What has been your favorite column that you have written so far?
 
Tough one. I like any column that gets a big reaction out of people, so
recently I'd have to say it was my anti-smoking column. ("The only thing
dumber than cigarettes are the people who smoke them.") I also have a soft
spot for an anti-monarchy column I wrote about five years ago. It's always
fun to write columns about topics where I believe the the general public is
completely out to lunch. It's much harder to write a modulated,
well-reasoned humour column, though I frequently try.
 
5. If you were on a show like the Simpsons, would you want to be a voice
actor or a writer?
 
Definitely a writer. It's what I do, after all. Besides, you could move on
to other projects eventually. Julie Kavner will never be able to do anything
ever again without people whispering, "Hey, that's Marge!"
 
6. Which is the bigger hell, a huge stack of angry hate letters or a play
written, directed and starring Paris Hilton?
 
I would consider both of those things very pleasant. If I start getting hate
mail from Paris Hilton, I'll be in heaven.
 
7. What is the history of your award winning TV show, “By the Seat of our
Pants?
 
As the display in the Smithsonian says, By the Seat of Our Pants was a very
stupid television show I made for the local cable station when I was 18. It
was useful mostly to teach me how not to be funny (and some would argue I've
attained perfection in that regard).
 
8. One thing Saint John could improve on is?
 
I hate the "That will never work" attitude. I wish people would wait until
the new project or new council or new idea is at least off the ground, THEN
shoot it out of the sky. It's more fun that way.
 
9. What has been your favorite play to direct?
 
Ashes, by far. Gilbert Boyce and Tammy Boyer were hardworking and
open-minded, which is what you look for in a threesome ­ I mean, a cast.
Plus Anthony Stuart's script rocked, despite his inability to spell three
words in a row correctly.
 
10. And your favorite acting role?
 
I've only had the one with Second Stage, actually, so I guess I'll go with
an incredibly stupid character on By the Seat of Our Pants called Captain
Baked Potato (yes, the show was so dumb that characters sounded like they
were from late-90s Saturday Night Live). It was silly, but I created the
character in Grade 12 Theatre Arts, which was when I finally broke out of my
shell.
 
11. What is the back-story on how you got involved with CBC radio
Information Morning?
 
Again, no back story. I just realized I had the time to do it, so I did. But
since that's boring let's say I did it for revenge.
 
12. If you wrote a prime-time animation show, what would it be about?
 
Something based on reality; I seem incapable of writing anything absurd. My
columns almost always riff on a news event, and my plays have been about
domestic affairs. Maybe "Meet the Press - Animated Edition!"
 
13. If there were a movie being made about you, whom would you want to
portray you?
 
I have been compared in looks to Toby Maguire, Jake Gyllenhall, Orlando
Bloom (seriously), Jeremy Davies, Alan Alda, and Liza Minelli. I personally
think I look most like Jeremy Davies, but since nobody watching will know
what I actually look like, let's go with Russell Crowe. He's the best film
actor alive.
 
14. Where do you see Second Stage in five years?
 
Far away from me. But only because I'll be in another city (or continent).
Second Stage gets better all the time, and I trust that in five years its
members will look back and scoff at what it was like in 2004. In particular,
I think filling a 120-seat theatre for three nights will be considered a
trifle. 
 
15. Have you ever gotten an angry letter that made you laugh and if you had,
which one was it?
 
Almost all the angry letters I get make me laugh. They always have the same
components: 
1) I don't normally write, but . . .
2) I like to laugh as much as the next person but . . .
3) You were very disrespectful!!!
 
I always get a kick out of No. 3 because being disrespectful is essentially
my job. I've never understood why disrespect is considered a fault. There'd
be no progress without it.
 
16. Where do you see HERE magazine in five years?
 
I hope it will be plugging away like it is now, maybe with a Fredericton
edition to go with the Moncton and Saint John versions.
 
17. What does John Mazerolle do to relax when he's stressed out?
 
Ha! I'm imagining my friends and family laughing at the vision of me
relaxing. For someone who doesn't do much, I don't relax much either. But
the things that get my mind off everything include The Simpsons, whale
watching, and visiting my family (briefly).
 
18. What can the readers of your columns and the listeners of your
commentaries expect to see from you in the near future?
 
About three weeks more work, then I'm off to Austria. In the longer term, I
hope I continue to improve (I'd almost have to).
 
19. Do you see the Simpsons lasting very long?
 
Well, 15 seasons is already an incredible run. I'll take a guess and say 18
seasons, plus a movie. I suspect that at some point we'll see Lenny lose his
virginity. Plus I suspect that Smithers may be gay.
 
20. Any final comments? Anything you wish to plug?
 
Yes, I'd REALLY like to plug - wait, are you hitting on me? This interview
is over! (Call me later.)
 
 
> Name Association
> 
> Gilbert Boyce- Disarming
> 
> Tammy Boyer- Determined
> 
> Anthony Stuart- Congenial
> 
> Lisa Flower- Vivacious
> 
> Jay Rawding- Empathetic
> 
> Andrea Arbour- Complete
> 
> Scott Marshall- Beneficent
> 
> John Mazerolle - Wordy