I honestly don't remember a time when I didn't believe in God. My grandmother (maternal) would babysit my (only) sister and myself, because she lived with us in Fort Worth, and both my parents worked outside the home. She was forever singing Gospel songs like "Oh, Mary, Don't You Weep" and she prayed a lot. I got the idea, somehow, that God was a young- looking guy with a full beard and long hair---brown. I probably saw a painting of Jesus in a Bible and she pointed out that He was God (is God) and I just took it from there.
In my early teens, I went to a revival with a Baptist preacher and his family, he preached and sang and drove fast. He, later, was killed in a car wreck. (Not the same night.) He pastored a church in Fort Worth, and I remember him talking to me about salvation and it being a gift. I just knew that I felt better about myself when I was going to church than I did when I was not going. About that time in my life, while riding to school one day a friend told me about salvation and the fact that it was a gift, and that being a gift, all I had to do was accept (receive) it. I thought, and prayed, and read the Bible, and thought some more, etc, throughout my teenage years; until, one day I was at home when Billy Graham came on TV and was telling about how Jesus---a name, a person---died on a cross instead of me.
I really wanted to believe that I would go to Heaven when I died. I'd read about Hell. I remember being scared as a kid while visiting my kinfolk in East Texas---way out in the Piney Woods---at night when we were getting ready for bed and my aunt would read from the Bible commentaries about the scorpions and rats that would inherit the earth and a sting would hurt for seven years, and all---and I wanted NO part of THAT!
...(!)
so, I was ready to believe and not go to Hell.
The part about Jesus, and who He actually was (and is) evolved, and, as I studied and grew, and lended myself to the Holy Spirit, my understanding deepened, and my feelings quickened. Although I understand with my head, I know that it is not enough...for with the HEART man believes...and, unless the alabaster jar is broken, the sweet fragrance cannot pour forth. I have seen miracles, things that could not be explained to my satisfaction. Coincidence? There have been so many and so varied that coincidence does not even any more compute. Yet, seeing, and knowing, I have still doubted, almost not wanting to believe in something...someone...so wonderful and multi-faceted.
Just as the children of Israel were led by a pillar of fire by night and a pillar of smoke by day, and every morning there was food on the ground, they still persisted in their unbelief...it is a portrait of us. "I'll never again doubt!" Yeah, you bet you won't. Uh huh. I've heard it before. I'll tell you why I know you will...because you're human. The fire sometimes dwindles. It has to be fed. It has to be rekindled. Its fine up on the mountaintop; but, growth occurs in the valley.
When the Bible opens, the devil is a serpent. By the end of the book, he's a dragon. Somebody's been feedin' that boy. That monster grew in darkness. So it is, and, until Jesus returns, so it will remain. Our monsters grow in darkness. They grow when they're fed.
Start shoving so much light into your darkness that it is displaced.
How do you keep close to God? Draw close to Him and He will draw close to you. You can't get there by remote control. It is a process that must be personally undertaken. It is a relationship that must be nurtured. Pray, earnestly, and praise earnestly. I won't go to the most holy God and say, "Oh, Lord, I just want You to know that I praise You...yes, Lord, I praise You...as a matter of fact I'm gonna praise You sooooo much that You're gonna reeeallly be PRAISED by the time I get through PRAISIN' YOU! Why, I might never stop praisin' You." If I were God, I'd be thinking, "When are you gonna START praising me?"
There are songs that people sing in meetings that say the same thing...Oh, Lord, we praise You. When you praise someone, a salesman, chef, wife, father,whoever...you tell them things that are good and remarkable about them. These are attributes. "Father, You are good---there is none good except You. You are kind...Your lovingkindness extended to someone as unworthy as myself is far too wonderful for me to fully appreciate. You stretched forth the heavens like a curtain. You hold the cosmos in Your hand...and, yet, You regard one such as I. You uphold me with Your mighty right hand. You surround me with favor as a shield. Your mercy endures forever and You do not deal with me according to my iniquities; but, rather, according to Your mercy.
Praise is for our benefit. I have heard that in a certain Japanese translation of the Bible one of the Psalms states that praise makes a big chair for God to sit in. This is the Psalm that we have as "The Lord inhabits the praise of His people."
I must believe that He IS...and that He is a rewarder of them that diligently seek Him.
I have many favorite Bible verses, naturally,...the entire Book is my favorite...however, the verses that most readily come to mind, as I write these lines are Proverbs 3: 5 & 6, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths." It is ALWAYS s-o-o-o-o-o tempting to try and figure out what all is involved in and with your work, your life, your being s-o-o-o-o-o good, working v-e-e-e-ry hard at whatever you're doing...then, along comes Satan, and, on a whim (it seems), it all just goes down the drain. More often than not, it seems, its a situation that threatens your life or livelihood, or your loved ones; in other words, it seems that everything is, or can easily be, lost...or, everything hangs in the balance. At these times, we must remember that Satan is a liar. God is SURELY in control. "I know the plans I have for you," He says. "All things work together for good," he says.
The trick and training is to believe God...its not always easy...in fact, sometimes, its downright difficult...bordering on the impossible...but, trust ye must!
My favorite Bible characters? Jesus, of course (!) and David---a man after God's own heart, eh. Look at all he did wrong--- and, yet, he loved the Lord...with a passion. He was a man of great faith...he walked with his God daily, and he conferred with his God always. He regarded his God. He cared what the Lord thought about him. I think that he knew that God's feelings could be hurt...that God felt pain, joy, gladness, sorrow...as do we.
We are, after all, made in His image.
Jesus has changed my life...made me think...taught me...helped me. I still cannot imagine how someone who doesn't know Jesus...or doesn't believe in God...can get through all this that we have to deal with in this life.