| 14 Months On Testosterone Update *November 15th 2002* |
Dear Readers, I have been having HARDCORE computer problems. I have NOT been able to post my updates on time or upload photo's unto my website. This has gotten me very upset. I feel as if i have not contributed anything to the gender community for awhile now. It's caused me to feel very unrealible, irresponsible and unprofessional. I am still in the process of getting my computer fixed, so please excuse all this late inconvience bull crap computer stuff! My current/and old voice clips are available for anyone who wants them. Since i have some space to write, i'd like to talk about my gender identity. You all know that i don't identify as trans or ftm. Right now i feel like i don't fit into any community. I am a gay male but i feel distant from most gay ''biological identified males''. Awhile ago, i started to identify as ''male-to-male''. This term was brought up when i was trying to discuss with my mom, that her son is not transsexual. I don't know what influenced me to think of it, but it is very logical. I am male-to-male because i have always been male, and i am evolving with every breath i take, into my manhood. I believe in making our own definitions. I strive to acheive proper recognition with my own personal identity. This is not denial. This is personal growth. This is healing from my past and moving on from it. This is loving myself and communicating with myself about who i am and where i'm going in life. I know alot of people don't understand and expect me to identify as this or that, but identifying myself is my own choice. I also know that there are alot of other guys in my position, that do not identify as ftm or trans and don't feel like they belong in certain gender ''spaces'' either. I would really like to give out a positive message in regards to identifing as whatever you feel comfortable with, instead of what everyone thinks you should identify as. I would really love to be a positive figure in the gender community. Eventually i'd like to speak and express myself through my art. Gender is my passion. I am trying to open myself/my beliefs/my identity to others, be heard and hope that i will receive proper acceptance of who i am, regardless of labels. I'm happy to announce that right before it was time to post these updates, i was asked to write a piece for a book on gender identity that will be published. I will be writing on my male-to-male identity. I feel this all happened at perfect timing! Being in a book is a great way to get heard. I'm very happy to have helped everyone, thus far. Thank you to everyone who reads these updates and motivates me to keep this site going. *14 Months On T Updates* - Acne: My facial acne seems to be getting better. I have more small white heads then anything. My back acne likes to travel. Somtimes it will be worse on the top of my back and then a week later it will travel to my lower back. My shoulder acne reaches down to my arm; these are mainly red ones that evenutally are able to be popped. My chest acne is there but not severe. Over all this acne is very painful physically, sometimes i can't even lay down or be touched in certain spots without howling like a old dog whose hind leg is about to fall off ... A dermatologist appointment has been set for December. - Facial Hair: I have not really shaved for quite some time now. My facial hair seems alot fuller. My sideburns have been growing in but some of the hairs are still light. I use mascara to darken them. My sides of jawline/jawline hair is getting alot fuller and it all connects to frame my face. I use scissors to trim all this facial hair and only shave the sides of my face/cheeks and upper lip. My upper lip hair hasn't grown in too much, which is great because i don't care for a mustache at this time. - Body Hair: My body hair seems fuller and darker. The only places i have noticed more growth are on my chest, full back, butt and shoulders. The hair is like peach fuzz except my chest, which is fuller. - Hair loss: Hair loss seems to be improving. I have been on Rogain for over 2 months now. I only use it at night. I am still going to bring this up at my dermatologist appointment in December. - Mood: My moods been more prone to 'emotional'. I went through a period where my emotions were like so stone, i could barely cry. Tears just would NOT come out. Things have changed though ... i have spent alot of focus this month, on my Fathers death of 2 years ago and this gets me extremely upset... - Voice: I believe my voice hit a level peak a few months ago. I do not see any difference in voice changes. My voice clips are available to anyone who wants them. Please keep in mind that this is a big group of files to be receiving and you should make sure you have proper space in your mail box to fit them all. I tend to send them out alot and fill up peoples mailboxes to the point where they don't even receive all my voice clips and then i have to send all over. - Libido/Cock Growth: Leveled out. I haven't noticed any new cock growth, i haven't really paid attention though. My lidido is still moderatly horny but not as hardcore as it's been. I think alot of things are just really leveled off at this point. - Muscle: I've been exercising. I can see more muscle defintion in my abs, thighs and arms. I'm working really hard on my butt. It's flat and flabby and it want it bubble buttish ... ghetto booty but firm. I want it so big that it hangs off the side walk, can have it's own zip code and go down in history... This is no joke, im very serious. *14 Months on Testosterone Photos* |