| Three Months On Testosterone Emotional Aspects: So i was reading my guestbook and came across an entry that gave me this idea. Someone with the name of : MW... said they would like to hear more about the emotional aspects of my transition. I think this is an amazing idea to imput unto my site because in real life, i write in a hand held journal for that. My trasition is far from just physical. I am going to start adding more of how i feel as each month passes by. To the person who wrote that entry, thank-you so very much. |
| This is something i was thinking about during the whole 2 months going on 3 months stretch of being on testosterone... December 30th 2001 i wrote: Do you see what i see? Direct eye contact makes me nervous Intimidation forms from nervousness Sometimes when i am looking in someone's eyes While at the same time, they are returning the contact I get lost in their thoughts... In my mind, my assumtions build and i feel as if they can see me ''skin deep'' and i feel as if they are gawking at someone who is not really there What if people had x-ray vision? They'd rape me with their eyes ... If you only knew what i know How every days a struggle... To get rid of what should of never been there Clothes and effort can only hide so much My emotional scars have never healed They just won't stay away... I'd like to take a time out to say: I can't count.. How many times How many thoughts about ... How many self surgery prodecures How many times ive cried over How much fucking pain How much SANITY i've LOST to... my bio/body/birth/parts... --end-- |
| This last past month has consisted of: Emotional Breakdowns...due to the fact that i am not bio-male...my bio birth parts hurt me more then anything. I have spent too much energy this month, focusing on them. Alot of times, i am serisously consider doing surgery on myself because i cant handle this excess baggage...something inside stops me each time... Violent Outburts...i am a the biggest jerk off ive ever seen...i am not interested in lowering my dosage either...if this is how its suppose to be, then so be it...see perfect honest example rite there... I am happy with my almost all of my results I am extremely anxious for more Sometimes i get scared that when everything starts to change hardcore, i wont reconize myself...the facial hair fer example...I really want it and im actually glad its comming in slow like this...I think my puberty is cute... Everything is a challenge now ALL IVE CARED ABOUT IS MYSELF, THE WAY I LOOK AND SEX SEX SEX I've thought many times, that im higher then everyone else...I think im so hot, i think im so cool, i think im top shit because im on T...which is fucked up and im trying to change this... I've hurt many people emotionally, due to my temper/anger/mood swings Im not pleased with the fact that everything sets me off...and i stay in these bad moods forfuckingever and it keeps me in the way from enjoying life and things that i should be happy about Mentally i am starting to feel more complete...im finding the missing pieces to my puzzle of life and putting it back together... Overall... I AM HAPPY WITH MY SUCESS ... NOW ONTO THE 3 MONTHS ON T INFO AND PIC LINK |